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Tried to talk to DH about dd....

(10 Posts)
mrsshears Sun 21-Aug-11 16:24:26

My dd is a highly intelligent quirky little girl(somewhere on the spectrum for certain) i have posted seperatley about some obsessions dd has,dd also has selective mutism issues.
We went out for the day today as a family and dd was in contact with lots of other dc her own age,the differences are obvious to me and friends can see this too as can teachers and some family.
I took the opportunity to try and talk to DH about dd's differences and made a real pigs ear of itsad
Dh has basically told me that its not an issue and i'm making it one,dd is a really happy little girl and i'm trying to cause a problem and i'm basically being horrible about her and making her out to be a freak!
I'm devastatedsad
Dh rarely sees dd with other children especially large groups of them so i thought it would be a good opportunity to broach the subject,dh did admit in this conversation that it was "glaringly obvious" that dd is different,but he kept back tracking and eventually said what i have put earlier in my post.
I'm really upset and dont know what to do,i have really upset dh and he has made me feel terrible,like i have been derogatory about dd which i would never ever do she means the world to me and i just want the best for hersad

bialystockandbloom Sun 21-Aug-11 16:59:18

My dp was also very reluctant to admit there was anything 'wrong' with ds - and I don't think we're alone on this board, I think it's quite common for this. You're right, they don't see our dc amongst others, and probably have much less idea than us what is normal development or not. My dp refused to concede there was anything amiss for a year - told me I was imagining it etc. Even told me once that if there was anything wrong with ds's development it was me making it happen because I was so insistent he had asd angry

It took him seeing ds at his 3rd birthday party and how different he was to the other children, and also nursery mentioning they had concerns about his interaction for dp to come round.

Is there anyone you can get to talk to dh - family or friend? Or teacher? It might help if it comes from someone else, particularly someone from school.

Also, if you think there is somehting that needs further investigation and help, just go ahead and do it anyway. I wish I'd acted on my instincts sooner.

AdelaofBlois Sun 21-Aug-11 17:15:43

My DP hated me for comparing DS1 (now 4) with other children and failing to appreciate his idiosyncratic development better. Same problem perhaps-that she was around children less and so was less aware of how overall he was rather odd.

But, on the other hand, DS with other children was a very poor guide to DS diagnostically. He kept apart, was given to elaborate ritual and highly 'clever' 'party tricks (reading, spelling, maths), tuned out when spoken too when he didn't wish to be, and ignored adults leaving him to get on with his own thing. Nursery and SaLT were anxious about ASD from these observations. My DP admitted he displayed some autistic behaviours but was adamant we were wrong, that he simply found it hard to speak, and the rest followed from that as escapes and means of finding approval.

Thing was, she was right, since as he has coped with his verbal dyspraxia it has become obvious that that was really the key driver behind all the ritual and interactive issues.

I'm not drawing any comparisons between the two children. I think, though, what I am trying to say is that showing DH your DD among other children and going 'she is odd' is not the best argument because the presence of other kids always makes the slightly odd look really odd. It might be better to get him to think about DD's behaviour on her own and what is lacking, then think about what he might say to other kids on their own (assuming he's around them).

maxsmama Sun 21-Aug-11 17:21:00

mrsshears, I know how it can feel when you feel bad for mentioning it....but hopefully he will come round. My DH has finally and is now being very supportive. I guess people deal with things differently so it might just take him longer. Don't feel bad, you know your child.

mrsshears Sun 21-Aug-11 19:56:52

Thanks so much everyone,its really helpful to know i'm not the only one going through this
I'm not going to bring it up again,at least for a while anyway.
DH knows that dd is different but i feel doesnt want to admit it or dwell on this and i think he feels i'm not helping dd by commenting on this.
I feel really guilty about bringing it up,i guess deep down i would like to know if there is something there with dd and if so i would like to know what it is,however would this just make dd stand out more.
I also wonder what it would achieve,the only difficulties that dd seems to have are socially,she quite often will come to me in a social situation and ask me to explain peoples behaviour.
maybe DH is right,dd is a very happy child so maybe i should just drop it?

Chundle Sun 21-Aug-11 20:36:08

Hi mrs my dH used to say that our dd1 was just more energetic, lively, sprightly, more intelligent etc etc until we got an ADHD dx. He is now her no1 supporter and advocate and fully accepts the dx. We are now going through similar with dd2 who he says is just a little bit slower in her development!
I think men have a hard time coming to terms with these things

HarrietJones Sun 21-Aug-11 20:46:40

Sounds v similar to dd2. Xh isn't as convinced as Dh &I are. Though after he had her on holiday he saw more issues than he would over a weekend visit.

We aren't going any further at the moment because she's fine with school etc, just has some odd habits at hOme!

coff33pot Sun 21-Aug-11 21:19:11

Mrs shears I understand feeling awful when you say things about your DD. My DH supports decisions and goes to meetings but it took several phone calls from school and me being stubborn and just making a GP referral and sitting with me at a meeting to prove what I was doing was right. You are her Mum and if you feel something is wrong just go and get her assessed. You can say to your DH that in order to put all these worries out of your mind that is what you are going to do. If at the end of assessment they say nothing is wrong then tell him you will eat your hat.

My DH still hasnt totally "got it."

It is good that she is happy and she obviously has two lovely parents smile

What I would do is picture DD in older years..........where her social problems could start to cause her distress. With my DS it was the ever widening gap between his peers the older he got that was the issue that forced me to have him assessed.

Alternatively, instead of assessment you can come here for suggestions and search the net for strategies on improving social communication and put them into practice. The difficult thing there is that both you and DH would have to follow your ideas together so she doesnt receive mixed signals. smile

maxsmama Sun 21-Aug-11 21:58:45

completely agree with coff33pot. I think you should follow it up. I know his support is important to you but you have to do what you think is best for your dd. If you want to find out if your child has asd, it can be hard to get a diagnosis. We had to go private in the end. Dr Daphne Keen, she's very good and will most probably be able to tell you either way. She's a developmental neurologist. You can get referred to her at St Georges in London or you can go private (which is a far expense). You can google her name and find her contact details. I think if you believe that you need to find further information with or without your husbands consent, you should do it. you know best.

sneezecakesmum Sun 21-Aug-11 22:19:35

DGS has cerebral palsy after a difficult birth. DD and myself were using the CP term from about 7 months but her DH kept his head firmly in the sand until the paed said it too. It didnt stop DGS getting help, he already had physio and OT on board.

Your DD could be on the high end of the spectrum and it is very important with any special need to get early intervention, it is incredibly difficult for you to go behind his back and destabilising for your relationship re trust, but it is also so important that DD gets help in coping in social situations. Would a teacher or other professional talk to DH as he may also accept it then?

My DDs husband is now a fab dad and fully accepting of DGSs difficulties. They can pull together for DGS, and I think this is what you need to.

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