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Caught DD being rude to DS

(10 Posts)
CinnamonPretzel Sun 21-Aug-11 13:54:58

I've just caught DD telling DS that if he didn't go into the garden and play, she'd tell the world he wets himself. She run through the people near by who would hear her, then told him she wouldn't get told off because it was true.

She turned round and saw me, then acted innocently and when I told her to go to her bedroom she asked why? I told her she knew why and she laughed and said yes, walked into her bedroom and sat on her bed with her back to me.

I'm not even furious, just really saddened that DSs own sister is sooo cruel.

Everyone keeps telling me she's okay but a basic run down.

Doesn't do as she's told, is rude, abrupt, doesn't take into consideration others, is bossy and wants things her own way, it very messy - a trail of destruction whereever she's been. Shes 10 and needs reminding to wash/brush teeth etc, hates sensory input - hates cuddles, touching etc. I've tried being positive and giving lots of attention which is okay, but one minute bit of negativety and the world explodes.
Yet, most of this is only with us and not when in company of others! School have noted shes quiet, and doesn't like things that she doesn't have control in but other than that haven't noted anything out of the ordinary. She has no friends, they also think she's bossy and ridicule her.

I want to help her but don't know what to do!? With DS, I knew there was something wrong, had backing from the school and even knew what the DX was from reading but everything I have here is just sooo 'everything'

Any thoughts, even if its just to slap me and tell me to pull myself together
sad

janetsplanet Sun 21-Aug-11 14:14:07

you are describing my 12yr old DD. she needs reminding to wash, brush teeth, change underwear etc. she wont shower unless reminded. has one 'friend' who is 10. shes upstairs yelling at her little sister. she backchats, pulls faces, has a 'wobble', yet is perfect at school and around others

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 21-Aug-11 15:45:20

CP,

re your comment:-
"School have noted shes quiet, and doesn't like things that she doesn't have control in but other than that haven't noted anything out of the ordinary. She has no friends, they also think she's bossy and ridicule her".

This is no excuse at all for her behaviour at all but she sounds very unhappy, anxious and afraid. She cannot deal with her brother's additional needs. She may well think that her brother takes up an awful lot of your time with no time as she sees it left for her for you and her to do girly type things (things that she sees other mums do with their DDs). She may well now think that negative attention is better than none; she got your attention after saying the things she did about her brother.

Her school life sounds very unhappy too. She being cruel is a front/defense for far deeper fears she cannot express or process properly, after all she is 10 and in no way emotionally mature. It needs addressing properly and now or this could just escalate more as she becomes older.

I would talk to Parentline about your family unit (they are a charity and it is not shameful to do this and is no reflection on you). It seems that you are all having a hard time and need some help. They could well help you.

CinnamonPretzel Sun 21-Aug-11 16:32:27

Thanks Attila, What can Parentline offer in terms of discussing my family? I have no problem asking for help nor am I embarrased by my situation, if anything have asked many people their comments but just get the usual - its normal! As you say, its at the point where we either get help to overcome this or she will get worse - especially with the teen years around the corner.

We do actually try and have those Mummy/Daughter days, but in terms of girly stuff, DD isn't in to all that. She doesn't like what all the kids at school are into, such as HSM or Camp Rock etc. She's been invited to a few birthday parties but doesn't want to go. She still likes Tinkerbell, Sylvanian Families and has a few kids in Yr3 (soon to be Yr 4) that she tends to hang around with on occassions or is trying her hardest to join in with the other kids; the stories she tells me from her table unit is appalling but I don't think I can stop it or their views of her.
We also try and do most things as a family and actually don't give DS as much 1:1 time as we should, we're lucky that he likes to play with his own things but DD wants/needs to be with someone all the time and always has - before DS came into the picture.
I went through a stage of giving her almost all the attention while DH looked after DS, and it was okay, but like I said, one minimal piece of discipline where manners are missed or something isn't right and she'd explode. I've tried the behavioural charts where you give positive feedback, reward the good, don't highlight the negative etc, but that didn't work.

Agree this might initially stem from DS, but I think we've always tried very hard to ensure both have equal attention where possible... not 100% sure thats the issue.

Willing to phone PL if you think they can offer anything smile

CinnamonPretzel Sun 21-Aug-11 17:34:06

I've just dropped them a message - I'll see what they come back with.
I can't phone at the moment due to everyone being around - no quiet/private spot.

Thanks for input Atilla - don't know many helplines tbh.

My main concern, is that this is more than just attention seeking and also, that I've queried DDs behaviour in the past when she was about 6. I felt comfortable with her teacher then and thought if I raised it - but I was looked at as if, she's just a normal girl and to deal with it smile This was before DS was showing significant signs for ASD and any attention was changing.
Its very hard to explain, but it really isn't right.

CinnamonPretzel Sun 21-Aug-11 17:34:53

*Attila - doh smile

signandsmile Sun 21-Aug-11 19:43:33

just a thought, and might be silly, but I know some carer's organisations run 'Sibs groups' for brothers and sisters of children with disabiltities or additional needs... also young carer's groups. (I'm not saying your dd is your ds's carer, just that she may find other children in similar situation to her there...) They do outings and meetings and a chance to talk etc...

CinnamonPretzel Sun 21-Aug-11 20:10:17

Thanks signandsmile not silly at all. If anything, when he they were a lot younger, I let her help out a lot more, it got to the point as DS changed that she was getting bossy so I had to kurb it.
She loves to be in control but unfortunately, she can't be - whether that has created the problem and its spiralled, or the control thing is part of anything else, I don't know.
But yes, they both belong to an organisation and she's attending SIBs this week - full week of pampering without DS smile

I'm just getting lost on what I can try - apart from giving her another bash of undivided attention.

coff33pot Sun 21-Aug-11 21:38:32

Total undivided attention wont help as she will want it on a permanent basis so you would have to keep it up or face a decline in behaviour when you have to do something with DS.

You could try a quality time timetable to share your time between the kiddies so that she knows she has your undivided attention for a portion of every day. That would be easier for you to keep to long term smile

For what its worth my DD is 10 (NT) and for the last 6 months she has developed backchat, opinions, pushing boundairies in coming in late from play etc also tearful emotions and dramatics as opposed to tantrum and has been down right horrible to DS who is 6 and is poss AS. Some of it is down to hormones creeping in. She does have friends but is suffering bullying for the first time this year due to her whole year finding their feet in their growing up years. Boys are now nasty instead of being playmates when they were younger and the grouping of who is with who has now started or who is the most popular, that sort of thing....

If things are going on at school that are upsetting her, help her by showing concern about it and help her in writing a diary of what is happening at school. She knows she has your support so will feel more confident. You might then get a pattern of events that you can help her with. Then perhaps at the next teacher meeting discuss this with the teacher but ask DD if she would like this to happen so she is in control of her issues.

hannahsmummsy Sun 21-Aug-11 22:25:04

dont worry about sylvanian families my 15 yr old loves them and secretly so do I x

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