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My DD may have been groomed.

(20 Posts)
50000feet Sun 14-Aug-11 12:32:14

My DD14 with ADS/AS has been hassled by a 26 year old man on Facebook inbox and by text who wants to date her but she is not to tell anyone. Thank god she told us in passing. ( I think she only told us when she saw his ugly photo) The police are dealing with it however DD can't comprehend what it all means. Told her not to reply to him but she did. She got friends involved and even advertised about going for a police interview on FB about a 'peudo'. How do I get the message over to her to keep her safe Any ideas.

Vinniesbisqwits Sun 14-Aug-11 13:25:56

I dont think there is a kind way now shes at the age she is and still ignoring you with little sense of danger, I can imagine how hard it is as ds 11 (asd) and is more like 7 yo mentally and so on the stranger danger this kind of thing im having to be totally frank and say exactly outright what bad thing could happen as ds understands everything so litteral and doesnt retain the info or take what he has learned and transfer it into other similar situations.
No one wants to scare our dcs or make them live in fear but if you have tried many times and ways perhaps showing her on line a similar case might work sad
then theres her access to fb / twitter or any other chat rooms it might be best to block them or at least let her only use them in front of you and you to know all her passwords and check daily.

pigletmania Sun 14-Aug-11 14:04:19

How scarey, I would ask her for her password or nextime you see her on Facebook, delete and block this man.

pigletmania Sun 14-Aug-11 14:04:38

If needs be shut down her FB for a bit

Vinniesbisqwits Sun 14-Aug-11 14:12:29

yes you can set it up so only people shes friends with can see her and her posts and also she cant be looked for in the search plus as piglet says block him.

lisad123 Sun 14-Aug-11 14:33:21

shut down her facebook, then have a very frank discussion about FB and talking to people we dont know. Then if she seems to get it, go though her fb with her, delete anyone unknown and block this man

Vinniesbisqwits Sun 14-Aug-11 14:44:53

thing is lisad is if was my son he says yes he understand but has a short term memory finds retaining info hard and also still has no sense of danger, my Ds if someone came upto him and said come look at my puppy hed be off with them as he doesnt see that the same as stranger danger , he thinks those people would be nasty not friendly and chatty and offer you sweets or show you his puppy in he car so hence ds just cant go out alone atm not sure when or if he eer will only time will tell I suppose. same goes for chat rooms , hes too young anyway and tbh not interested in them but millions of 11 yo do go on fb and twitter ect , he obviously cant and even when 13 as thats FB,s advice he will still be mentally to young, maybe 50000feets DD is the same?

lisad123 Sun 14-Aug-11 14:50:13

completely understand that vinnie, as two girls with ASD myself but clearly the OP thought she was able to understand the situation, otherwise she wouldnt have allowed her on FB at all. My eldest has a moshi monster account and she is very rule lead so knows the rule of "if we dont know them your not adding them". DD2 on the otherhand I doubt will be as good at this at that age, so am unlikely to let her have one without careful monitoring.
We only have 1 laptop in the house and its in full view of the household the whole time, would that help?

Vinniesbisqwits Sun 14-Aug-11 15:08:02

yes thats what I think goodness knows a lot of parents of NT dcs would be good to take that advice, my dcs mainly go on laptop in livingroom on full view and why not nothing to hide have they, maybe that really is the best policy esp for dcs with SN, my other two NT dcs 14 and 15 go on these sites but we also know their passes but they are really sensible with it and only accept people from school or their clubs they know and family, if they cant abide by that they they wont be on msn fb or twitter or eldest goes on World of warcraft where you can chat to players any longer. a local lad to me has been missing a week now after chatting to someone on FB scary stuff.

50000feet Sun 14-Aug-11 17:01:19

I do monitor fb and have set up security with her. I've been through all the laptop on full view and shutting the wifi off at 9pm etc and it all worked for a while - mega meltdowns over it over the last few years - she changed her passwords like she did her underware when the restrictions became no fun with big mother watching. Now she is 14 it's all BBM and no laptops. Have blocked him - the scary thing is he text her before fb. It wasn't till she saw the fb pictures that she told him to get lost - so in one sense the fb worked in our favour. Fb was all done by inbox even after she deleted him. Believe me everything changed when she hit 13 (wont go into it all but its been a nightmare even up to violence) Got Camhs on wednesday so hopefully can get some help from them. X

lisad123 Sun 14-Aug-11 18:21:10

See of it were me, I wouldn't let her have a mobile if she won't stick to the rules you have set. Im very strict and understand it's not for all.

Vinniesbisqwits Sun 14-Aug-11 19:05:31

here too having said that so far my own dcs have been happy to do as i say i think because they have seen the news and stuff and dd especially is scared of doing anything like that but the big diff is shes NT so she understands the consequences where as my ds3 wouldnt , (hes not at the stage of being interested thankfully) dd1 whos nearly 16 is more interested in battlefield and such games and is really grown up for his age too where girls/mates are concerned. so has got to be hard for you when she just doesnt get it, is she like my DD1 easily led ect? if so then the huge meltdowns and taking them away untill she gets more streetwise is the only answer im affraid.

WilsonFrickett Mon 15-Aug-11 22:29:42

If you want your DCs to be on facebook - and of course we do, really, because we want them to have as normal a life as possible - go into their facebook account and change the email address attached to the account to your email address. That way all notifications, including friend requests come to your inbox at the same time as hitting their page. That way you can monitor their page and activity without going through their wall. You can then have a conversation 'Oh, I see xxx wants to add you, who is that?'

Make this a condition of them being able to use the page. I will definitely be doing this when DS gets bigger.

lisad123 Mon 15-Aug-11 22:31:52

good thinking wilson grin

WilsonFrickett Mon 15-Aug-11 22:31:58

Oh and computers only in shared spaces in the house is another really good rule, and I meant to also say to the OP - what a terrible thing to happen but sounds like your DS did handle it well in the end.

WilsonFrickett Mon 15-Aug-11 22:37:57

It's from a really good article a friend shared, will pop back and post the link when I'm not on iPad grin

meercatmum Mon 15-Aug-11 22:59:03

50000feet I tracked this from a prev thread and am sorry about this horrible thing to happen and is really scary. My 13 dd did a similar thing- she is being assessed for aspergers and she has poor self esteem. She secretly went onto omegle a chat website with webcam all made up in the hope of receiving compliments on her looks which she then copied onto fb. She had no concept of risk she was putting herself in wanting to prove to herself and others that she is pretty. We have been pretty tough and banned her from the Internet since (2 months) as we feel she is too immature and has put herself at terrible risk.) In many ways she is now more settled at home as school fallouts / issues remain at school rather than extending into homelife and she texts with her friends. We do get occasional melt downs due to this but we have stuck to our guns and will gradually reintroduce taking many of the above pointers into consideration. Please watch out for these omegle websites as our protection did not pick it up and dd tells me lots of her friends go on it.

WilsonFrickett Tue 16-Aug-11 09:57:18

Folks, here is the link to the longer article I mentioned, some of it may be of use - I certainly found it interesting.

50000feet Wed 17-Aug-11 15:14:25

Thanks all. Man was known to Police. Can you believe he is ASD. Police told DD it straight and Camhs say to tell it short, simple and straight - She doesn't get it, the long explanation won't stay in her mind and she is and always will be vulnerable. Lots of strategies going into place so all ideas are still welcome. She has before had her phone taken off her for long periods but you have to give it back sometime. She conforms for a while but then forgets. Like Camhs say, this won't go away but simple straight messages might stay in her head.

50000feet Wed 17-Aug-11 15:25:02

Meercatmum - I will be blocking that site from the computers thanks. it is scary, all of this. Good luck.

Wilson. Thanks will doing that too!

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