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Any tips for seperation anxiety at childcare. Its been going on for years!

(7 Posts)
smugtandemfeeder Thu 04-Aug-11 19:45:08

Ds is 3.5 and has terrible seperation anxiety. He has been going to a childminder for two years and still cries and gets upset when we leave him. I have tried all sorts, staying for half an hour each time, just leaving him. Has been going to a new preschool recently as well and is doing the same. Have tried telling him in advance he is going (big no no, cries all morning, 4am til 9am) or not telling him and springing it on him (slightly better)

If childminder and I start talking to each other he gets upset and avoids eye contact and seems cross. He will not talk to either of us, almost as if he cant cope with me being where the cm normally is, or both of us together.

Once i leave him at cm or preschool he is fine but after two years of sobbing and asking me not to leave him im starting to feel like we need to make some progress.

On the way to preschool he tells me he is worried the teachers will talk to him or pick him up.

EllenJaneisnotmyname Thu 04-Aug-11 21:25:52

Sorry, smug, no advice just a bump.

Ineedalife Thu 04-Aug-11 21:45:38

No advice sorry, we haven't really cracked this yet.

Although Dd3 will now go into school without hanging on to me, she doesn't really go anywhere else.

She doesn't cry anymore so I suppose we have made progress, but she does keep on asking if I am staying with her. I think I have probably been too soft with everything except school ie, Brownies and parties, because they are optional.

Hope someone else comes along who can help you.

smugtandemfeeder Thu 04-Aug-11 21:55:26

Thanks both. Pre school keep saying the annoying words "they are all like it" and writing in his home to school book that he "settled quickly" nothing to do with the fact that he was sobbing and had tears streaming down his eyes and that he has been like that for two years at the childminder.

We had one childminder we had to stop going to as I literally couldnt get him across the door step. She kept saying "they are all like it", "if you are anxious he will be anxious."

Tiggles Thu 04-Aug-11 21:56:15

DS suffered baddly until he was in year 3 at school.
Different strategies worked for him at different times but in essence they boiled down to the same thing - a standard routine that he could act out.
Playgroup - just left him sobbing with member of staff.
At nursery (so the term after his 3rd birthday) he took an action man (which would keep him safe when I wasn't there) into nursery and put it straight into the going home box. Worked for 1/2 a term, until the staff told him (not me) that he couldn't do it anymore. Grrr!
Reception and year 1 they left me to physically lock him into the school kicking and screaming trying to avoid his fingers in the door. Not good!
However in new school, so year 2, head teacher used to take him in and give him a job to do.
Year 3 he went in and got a sticker to put on a reward chart, then 15mins golden time if 5 stickers in a week.

daisysue2 Thu 04-Aug-11 23:55:49

Littlemissgreen's ideas sound great and I don't have much else to add except that I am still having problems with my 8 year old.

Both my dds had separation anxiety from being tiny babies they were never happy being left at nursery and always cried. Oldest seemed to be the worst, she actually kicked the teacher in Reception when she tried to take her from me, as she screamed. I didn't handle it too well in retrospect as I just left her and allowed the teacher to deal with it and as they said they all did it and she settled in after. But the reality was she was deeply upset and struggling at school as she was later diagnosed with Autism.

So with younger dd now just finished y3 andat a different school the teachers didn't put any pressure on her or myself and allowed her to always be handed over to the teacher. She still has mild problems but if talked through will go in without any problem, she is fine if dropped off from the car and goes in without any fuss but if I walk her into the playground then she gets upset. By the way dd1 stopped overnight when she made a really cool best friend in year 2 who she would rather be with than me.

smugtandemfeeder Fri 05-Aug-11 18:47:10

DS likes it when we give him a car to hold and we talk about when he doesnt know what to do he can play with the car. So perhaps we need to really work on that. I have noticed that once at the childminder I let him cycle in on his bike and he was happy so perhaps that will be the key for DS too.

Why is he fine as soon as we leave though? Holding it in? Im assuming if so it will get worse when he has more hours in school. He only has two days away from us at the moment.

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