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dont want to sound like a bad friend but....

(12 Posts)
drivemecrazy63 Wed 03-Aug-11 12:03:34

I have a friend whos son is at SS who is ADHD , hypermobile, asthmatic, she also has another dc who im sure is just naughty she claims is ASD but has no dx and is at a BESD school , it angers me because although shes a friend ive no idea why shes claiming hes ASD to everyone and IS making excuses for his awful behaviour, it riles me as ive known them a long time my own DC is ASD , he shows no traits and ive looed after him for her... am i being mean its just its so hard to get a dx , i know them very well but i know some dcs show certain behaviours only at home and not at school he has not had an ADOS as he didnt get past the paed stage / other assesments hes now 16 and so obnoxious when i argued with her over something the other day she put things on FB about my son saying people in glass houses, ive no idea why she brought my son into the argument as we didnt argue about our dcs but i had told her previously about him being rude to me, and she took offence. as a parent of a dc with ASD i still tell my dc if i think hes out of order reguardless of him being autistic (hes 11), seems she thins its ok if your really rude as long as youve a 'problem' am i wrong or should we still TRY even if on deaf ears quite often as dc needs lots and lots of overl earning ,to still tell our dcs if they do / or say something they shouldnt.

nenevomito Wed 03-Aug-11 12:12:46

You can't change how someone parents their child or stop them from excusing bad behaviour. The issue here is more about her not setting boundaries.

drivemecrazy63 Wed 03-Aug-11 12:20:37

yes i agree if he is asd or otherwise she has never set these boundaries which is why hes now at a BESD school , he talks to her like dirt its quite upsetting yet the other week my dc who is ASD said oh mymmy your so stupid and she shouted at my sonshock he was smiling when he said it and i did say you should not say that its rude but if you saw her face at the time, and my ds IS at a social and communications school he does not know often what appropriate but we still tell him if hes wrong not just ignore it.

drivemecrazy63 Wed 03-Aug-11 12:29:14

I feel guilty for even thinking hes nothing wrong with him though , am i guilty of what others have done in past to me (still do) of thinking hes just a rude lad needing to be sent to his room, but she never does she just says his name loudly and in a whiny way.blush

zzzzz Wed 03-Aug-11 13:06:28

So you think her parenting is rubbish. I've thought that a million times about lot of Mums, some of them very good friends, some not. You think her dx of her son is not correct, ditto the above. I don't see what the problem is with that? So long as you are not being rude to her about it, then what you think if her parenting/child diagnosing abilities is neither here nor there.

Personally if someone was posting glass house type comments on Facebook about me, I wouldn't describe them as a friend. hmm

drivemecrazy63 Wed 03-Aug-11 13:36:42

it is when her sons constantly rude to everyone and rude often about things that dont concern him , as i said she has not got a dx of her son thats the point? and hes 16 and not going to get one ,im sure if you heard him swearing at her telling her get me this and go get me that and telling other adults to p off and telling them how wrong about things that are not his concern you might say the same , if he wasnt equally rude to me and my dcs i deffinately wouldnt have felt the need to post , and no im not talking to her since her comments on fb

drivemecrazy63 Wed 03-Aug-11 13:52:01

ive never said a word to her before of how i feel about her son this was the only time ive ever said he was really rude to me as we were in public and people heard him it was embarrassing so i mentioned it to her as another parent had phoned the club and complained or id not have said she just go angry and said ok i wont bring him again and then wrote on fb sad

zzzzz Wed 03-Aug-11 16:58:45

I'm sorry drivemecrazy63 I don't understand what your point is? I don't think any of us can give an opinion as to weather you were justified in what you said to your friend. I don't know what was said, I don't know what the issues surrounding it were. I think it is unpleasant of her to have posted something on facebook about your boy, but you know that.

drivemecrazy63 Wed 03-Aug-11 17:54:13

I didnt have a point I didnt say anything to her at all the club leader did but i was there i made her a cup of tea we were having a meeting , her ds isnt even a member , I didnt want to be told I was justified just reasurance I did nothing wrong I told the club leader and a parent complained all i said was what happened and she went balistic ...actually I just wanted to sound off as I was upset what she did to me/ said about my ds when youve been friends with someone and helped her all through her other sons statementing and she mine, you wouldnt expect that reaction but Im obviously very wrong and too trusting and naive.i said nothing offensive neither did the clubs leader he just told her they had a complaint and she flew into a rage and left ... I think ive offended people on here now because I dont believe hes ASD perhaps made worse by the other thread atm Im not saying maybe he has some sort of problem maybe he does just he has no traits and hes stayed with me many times, so sorry if that offends anyone it wasnt meaning to.

drivemecrazy63 Wed 03-Aug-11 18:08:53

kind of defeats the object anyway as I feel 100 times worse now for bothering to post I was looking for support but its evidently the wrong place, why am I being made to feel like the bad guy when she was rude to my family and not the other way around this is not a child , and not a child with SN he has not got SEN he has been sent to a BESD school because he keeps hitting people and throwing chairs at people and a couple weeks ago she cried on my shoulder saying a group of parents had knocked at her door saying he had been threatening their dcs at the park with a knife. I told her im sure that cant be true only for herself to say she had later found her kitchen knofe in his room , this lads 6ft2 and scary not a lad anyone would discribe as venerable... there ive said it hes scary to namechange as i dont want 8 months of people now thinking im a horrible person because I didnt back her i bloody well have done for years but enoughs enough.

zzzzz Wed 03-Aug-11 19:17:50

Many of our children are or may become large and scary. They can also be vulnerable, at the same time. It is awful for us and for them.

If you are looking for unconditional support for your actions, I can't offer that, and I doubt weather any of us can. We just don't know what the ins and outs of the situation are.

I don't think you need to namechange. Why would people think you were a horrible person, and why if you are sure what you did was ok does it matter? Certainly I don't think there is going to be an 8month we hate drivemecrazy63 party????? I think you need to chat with someone who knows you personally about this. You sound desperately upset by it all.

EllenJaneisnotmyname Thu 04-Aug-11 00:12:05

Drive, it doesn't sound like your friend's DS's DX or lack of it that's the problem. She just sounds like she's failing to set boundaries for her DS, and excusing his behaviour. Do you think she's scared of him herself? She's obviously feeling really defensive about him, perhaps she can see what he's like but feels it's got beyond her.

I had a huge falling out with someone I thought was a good friend recently, and I'm still convinced I did nothing wrong. I was just trying to support her through a relationship crisis. Always a dodgy area! It really upset me, because she said some nasty and, I feel, unjustified things to me. It hurt me very much. If she had posted those things on Facebook I would have been devastated.

It sounds like your 'friend' who you have supported in the past, is perhaps beyond your help now. She doesn't want it and it's maybe time to forget that friendship. She doesn't deserve you. I hope you have other friends who are mutually supportive.

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