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Shit-stirring AIBU

(54 Posts)
StarlightMcKenzie Wed 03-Aug-11 10:19:00


Sidge Wed 03-Aug-11 10:22:20

I don't think it is shit-stirring really, I think we've all met people who diagnose themselves with all manner of shite. The OP is talking about people who haven't seen any doctors or specialists but have decided that they have "something" with no basis for that at all.

Which does genuine sufferers of allergies, asthma, ADHD etc a real disservice.

timetoask Wed 03-Aug-11 10:24:44

Have read the thread, I think the OP is talking about people that have not saught medical help and have decided for themselves a diagnosis without being properly informed.

StarlightMcKenzie Wed 03-Aug-11 10:28:18

Okay. Perhaps it isn't shit-stirring, but my blood does boil when I see people allude to parents talking about their child's ADHD without diagnosis.

First, it is entirely possible that a child DOES have ADHD without a diagnosis with all the professionals agreeing 'generally' but not confirming because of the cost of provision that will have to follow.

Secondly I would not answer the majority of people's questions about the details of ds' diagnosis (he has ASD). It is none of their business.

Thirdly, the point the riles me the most is the implication that people 'claiming' these labels are preventing people with REAL problems from getting provision/sympathy etc. Current propaganda fueling cuts.

The ADHD thing looks like it has just been thrown in there as one of many examples, but the anti-ADHD people will be out in 2 secs and it will be the most mentioned I'd bet.

timetoask Wed 03-Aug-11 10:32:26

Yes you are right actually. It is not helpful to see ADHD mentioned in a thread like that one. It really doesn't help those of us struggling with behaviour despite being good parents.

I can see the point that the OP is making, but would have been better not to mention ADHD which is already so misunderstood by everyone.

mum0ftw0 Wed 03-Aug-11 10:37:56

The only bit that annoys me, is obviously people thinking suspected ADHD is just the parents not bothering to try and control their child.

Of course I've had o go through this,eole assuming I just don't disciplinemy child (with ASD)

And told off from various people (that don't have a clue what they're talking about) including a social worker, nursery worker, other mumsnetters...
for 'labelling' my child, because he doesn't acvtually have a diagnosis, so may not even be ASD, I still may just be a crap parent.

Several consultant letters saying 'probably ASD' 'very likely Autistic' etc, doesn'treally mean anything dontcha know,
not a real diagnosis

BarbarianMum Wed 03-Aug-11 10:43:14

Well a friend of mine has 'diagnosed' several of her family members with Aspergers/ASD type characteristics following her son's (proper, medical) diagnosis with HFA. I thought it was quite common for those whose children are diagnosed with ASD, or ADHD, or those type of previously under-diagnosed conditions to take a look at their families and recognise similar traits (aka Rory Bremner on ADHD on Radio 4 last week).

Was going to post on said thread to say so but I am so sick of the 'people pretending to have allergies' bollox that I couldn't be bothered (I mean I'm sure it happens but its not normal behaviour).

EllenJaneisnotmyname Wed 03-Aug-11 11:56:32

I've self-diagnosed my DS3 as being 'somewhere on the spectrum.' (That's a technical term, BTW. grin ) His school recognise it, too, but it's never going to be in black and white. Oh, and half my DH's family, too.

nenevomito Wed 03-Aug-11 12:18:53

I have to admit that I saw that thread and hid it straight away. I've seen so many of those threads and they always go bad in the end, regardless of what the OPs intentions were.

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin Wed 03-Aug-11 12:30:06

Well, as often happens, I'm swimming in the opposite direction. So here goes.
I find it annoying when people self-diagnose their children with little knowledge and very shaky evidence.
It's the same level of irritation I have when they say 'Oh yes, mine talks about x obsessively and gets very cross. Just like your DS really, so mine must have Asperger's as well.'
No, it's not the same.
ADHD is a very specific syndrome, the child can't switch their behaviour and responses on and off to suit the occasion, so it also irritates when you get a parent saying 'He's got ADHD at home' to explain why his behaviour is worrying them, but not ADHD at school for some reason?
I take children with food allergies very, very seriously although no-one in my family has a serious allergy to anything. So the ginger biscuit example would have annoyed me, because I would have gone out of my way to ensure that child never had a ginger-related experience when in my care.
I might even have taken the offending item away from him....purely on safety grounds you understand. smile
If a parent tells me they think XYZ, then I would listen and see what I thought and be open about trying different strategies that sometimes work.
But sometimes it is a parenting issue and not a syndrome.

StarlightMcKenzie Wed 03-Aug-11 12:37:58

I think the issue Goblin is the balance. These parents do exist. I have an anorexic friend who is 'allergic' to everything except peas and she can only one of them an hour (not quite but you get the picture). She feels ill if made to eat anything else. She has a serious condition which is a serious problem, but actually I DO doubt that she is allergic to most of what she claims to be. Her 'allergies' are preventing her from seeking help or dealing with the real issues though. So I think the picture, even with crap parents, is complicated.

The problem though, and you may see a different picture given your profession, is that the parents that I mix with on hear and in RL are NOT in the make up a diagnosis camp, and find it incredibly difficult to be heard. It is also becoming more and more culturally acceptable to imply that conditions are made up as excuses for laziness, not getting a job, not participating in our Big Society. That is not to say these people don't exist, but I suppose I think that the clearly deluded parents probably need some support of some kind to be doing what they do, of for their attention-seeking behaviour.

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin Wed 03-Aug-11 12:48:32

'I suppose I think that the clearly deluded parents probably need some support of some kind to be doing what they do, of for their attention-seeking behaviour.'

No argument here, it is very rewarding to unpick a problem and try and find a way forwards with everyone involved, not just the child. The relief for parents is often huge.

EllenJaneisnotmyname Wed 03-Aug-11 12:48:52

Star, this thread has been linked to in the AIBU thread.

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin Wed 03-Aug-11 12:50:00

I have had the accusations of poor, permissive and inadequate parenting thrown at me as well, by parents of children in my son's class. Years ago, but I'm still angry about it. smile

thetasigmamum Wed 03-Aug-11 12:50:10

One of the reasons people are finding it difficult to be heard is because of the people who are claiming (or having claimed for them) conditions they do not genuinely have. This then leads to people with little knowledge of the condition or the associated issues making false assumptions based on incorrect information.

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin Wed 03-Aug-11 12:52:21

So if this thread is now out on the main board, how does that work for posters who haven't opted in to the SN board? They see it too, because of the link?

StarlightMcKenzie Wed 03-Aug-11 13:02:17

Oh that's alright. I'm not under any belief that this place is sacred, but it IS a place to discuss issues that arise on the main board and put them into a SN context here.

This board is for discussing SN issues and attitudes about them, which includes what people think or discuss on the main board.

StarlightMcKenzie Wed 03-Aug-11 13:02:38

But who is that smug person on a witch hunt?

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin Wed 03-Aug-11 13:11:32

Namechanger rather than random stranger.

bochead Wed 03-Aug-11 13:21:51

I've had the crap parenting thang chucked at me more times than I've had hot dinners. My son also lacks a formal diagnosis despite it being blatently obvious as soon as you place him in a room with his peers "summat's a bit odd" about him iykwim.

It's been 3 years now since his first school said "whoah asd alert - refer for diagnosis!" He's worked his way through 3 schools and a behavioral unit with me screaming for help all the way. It took 2.5 years to get him in front of a multi-disciplinary team for ados and their report was inconclusive. In that time I read every parenting book going , implemented the advice within and watched in despair as his "issues" became more pronounced and the gulf between him and his peers widened.

Officially he has "social communication disorder with autistic traits" which is utterly meaningless and enables the latest professional of the moment to join the "oh it's cos she's a lone parent & must be a crap Mum" bandwagon. It's an update to the "complex needs" we lived with for 2.5 years while ordinary teachers etc scratched their heads.

Actually I have to work 5 times as hard as most parents of "normal kids" do and implement my own therapies whenever I can as frankly he can't wait for the authorities to pull their heads outta their asses and help him. (thanks Moondog for the calender idea btw it was amazing!). OT is not in his statement even though he does show strong dyspraxic type symptoms just as one example. he can barely form his name or use a knife despite a LOT of hard work on my part.

I've love a "proper diagnosis" but the battle to get him seen by a tertiary centre to clarify the current woolly description has already seen me visit my MP etc without managing to get a referral out of my PCT as yet. I still don't know for sure if he is asd or not but it's an easy shorthand to use in day to day life to explain his difficulties to those adults trying to help him. Other Mums on playdates for example - it's obvious he's not wired the same as others to a moomin by now. Sadly I doubt I'm the only parent in this position as the postcode lottery means some kids lose out.

StarlightMcKenzie Wed 03-Aug-11 13:46:41

Oh, it's probably my stalker then.......

thetasigmamum Wed 03-Aug-11 13:56:45

bochead the problem with using the 'easy shorthand' of 'dyspraxic type symptoms' to describe something that may easily not be anything to do with dyspraxia is that it might have a negative impact on peoples' treatment of children (or adults) with dyspraxia at a later date. Dyspraxia is very little understood or even recognised by the general public and those fortunate enough to not have direct experience of it. It makes life much more difficult for those of us who have to deal with it all the time when people self diagnose and use 'easy shorthand'.

EllenJaneisnotmyname Wed 03-Aug-11 14:06:57

Theta, dyspraxia would be the least of Bochead's worries. It's much more likely to be ASD. You do know that dyspraxia is very often co- morbid with ASD and AS, don't you?

EllenJaneisnotmyname Wed 03-Aug-11 14:22:37

That came across rather harshly, theta. It's just that as soon as a hint of an ASD DX rears it's head, the SALTs and OTs suddenly drop you like a stone. They have 'other priorities' and if your child has ASD, well, you'd expect them not to talk or be dyspraxic. They have the ASD DX so don't need any more DXes, or therapy it seems. My DS2 has HF ASD, he has been referred to OT three times, by his Paed, by his school and during his statutory assessment. Has he ever been seen? No! So, yes, he is dyspraxic, but no, he doesn't have a Dyspraxia DX.

thetasigmamum Wed 03-Aug-11 14:42:49

EllenJane How do you know he is dyspraxic? You are guessing he is. You don't know for sure. And the fact is, children with diagnosed ASD get far more attention and understanding than children with diagnosed dyspraxia. Because many teachers have actually not even heard of dyspraxia, and many teachers don't 'believe' in it. Despite seeing a 20+ page report in front of them and the results of numerous tests. And to be honest I'm more concerned about my own and my childrens' worries than Bochead's. And you don't actually know what my worries are, even, so don't dismiss them out of hand.

And yes, I do know about Dyspraxia. Far far too much. Both my DDs are dyspraxic and so am I. and we have all been diagnosed and gone through vast batteries of tests (some of which are to do with a research project so, not all of which are I suppose were strictly necessary). I spend far more of my time than I want or should need to explaining dyspraxia to teachers and others who should know anyway (and who should read the reports etc with which they have been provided). And one of the reasons I have to do this is because there are so many misconceptions some of which are caused as a result of people wrongly self diagnosing themselves or their kids.

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