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Relationships with 'normal' children

(14 Posts)
Firsttimer7259 Mon 01-Aug-11 12:27:07

My DD (18m) is has GDD of about 6-8 months. We have social occasion coming up with my original mums and babies group. Now shes been making good progress but I know she's not yet at the stage her peers were at 4 months ago when I last met some of them.
Im in two minds: I want to go and meet up with this group of parents and children, but I am scared of how sad I will feel when I see my girl with her direct age mates. WWYD?

EllenJaneisnotmyname Mon 01-Aug-11 12:43:39

You will feel sad, it's just such an obvious comparison, and everyone will probably be comparing. If they are a nice bunch who will be supportive and friendly, do go. You'll soon find out which ones can't help themselves boasting. It might be that you'll be happier in smaller groups, 2 or 3 of the friendlier ones. You need to be doing 'normal' things and seeing friends just like everyone else, and, in fact, a support network is probably more important for you.

Try to concentrate on the progress your DD has made, in comparison to 3 months or 6 months ago. A delay is just that, it's not no development, it's slower development. Easier said than done, of course.

zzzzz Mon 01-Aug-11 14:49:12

I wrote you a long mail and have deleted it because it was preachy rubbish.

I think you will find it hard, but I also think you should do it. You need the friends, dd needs friends, these are your group. Let them know you now before dd is old enough to listen to the explanations. People are kinder and more understanding than you would imagine, but you do have to give them the opportunity be good people.

It will be hard to see other peoples children ahead of yours, but she is going to do it all in the longer term, [as Ellen says delayed not stopped], so you can learn all about it from the trail blazers. You may find there are others in your group who have children with issues and you may be able to lend some support to the struggling. It is amazingly good to help someone else, even if it is only by telling them their hair looks great, or whatever.

Be brave.

hazeyjane Mon 01-Aug-11 15:47:08

Hello Firsttimer, as you know ds is 1 and is delayed, average 4-6 month old according to last assessment. The social side of ds being delayed has been really hard, but I have found it unavoidable (I have 4 and 5 year old dds, and a lot of mums I know had babies around the same, time as i had ds). It never stops being painful, seeing one of their lo's running about or crawling around like a crazy thing, whilst ds lies there or cuddles into me (actually he is sitting now - yay!) I have also tried to take ds to singing groups and swimming, as I know how helpful they will be to his development.

I always make a point of explaining to people about ds early on, so that there are none of those awkward, 'ooh is he crawling/rolling etc' conversations. Most people are really nice, and asked questions etc, a couple of people have kind of looked a bit awkward and avoided me (maybe I smell) it hurts, but I have to shrug it off.

As zzzzz says, these are your and your dd's group, it is important for her, and important for them. (But please come on here and have a moan/cry/rant/wine afterwards if you need tosmile)

DeWe Mon 01-Aug-11 18:12:52

Are the group aware about her GDD?
If they're not, it might be easier to either send an email round them saying something along the lines of "Looking forward to seeing you, I don't know if you're aware but my dd has a GDD of about 6-8 months" She's made really great progress lately but I just wanted to explain as I can find it hard when I see her with her peers." If you know one of the group well enough you could ask that they let people know.

Often people don't mean to boast or say tactless things and if they are aware beforehand it gives them time to get their heads around things not to say. I found it hard explaining face to face about dd2's disability, so I would let people know by phone or email first, because it made it easier for me.

Firsttimer7259 Tue 02-Aug-11 09:35:09

OK OK Im going. I think I was going to anyway, but needed strategies for surviving how I feel. Which you wise women have supplied. Mucho thanks.

They are a nice bunch and know DD is being tested for delays. They just havent seen her for months and months now and I guess I am worried about the reaction when our children are side by side (my reaction and theirs). On the other hand I think it would be useful for my H to see other children DDs age. He's often irritated with me and thinks I exaggerate. So there's a plus...? And I dont want to lose the mummy friends I have made so far

EllenJaneisnotmyname Tue 02-Aug-11 09:38:23

Have we bullied you into it? grin We're a hard lot here, you're not allowed to hide away! (Unless you want to, of course.)

hazeyjane Tue 02-Aug-11 09:47:03

Good for you Firsttimer, just remember it is ok to be upset.

At the moment, as soon as I talk about ds and his delays, i come straight in with something he has achieved and is doing well. For example, ds has just started trying to roll a ball back to me, it would probably seem like such a small thing to someone else, but for us it is huge. I think it disarms people to focus on the positive things that your dc is doing.

I am the mildest bully in townsmile

ArthurPewty Tue 02-Aug-11 09:48:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Firsttimer7259 Tue 02-Aug-11 09:50:30

Needed a leetle prodding is all wink

zzzzz Tue 02-Aug-11 09:52:34

grin feel I should be shouting "you go giiiirl", but sadly don't have the neck or the attitude for it.

Dh may be in a vile temper afterwards.....be prepared with large drink and dvd for the wind down. wink

Firsttimer7259 Tue 02-Aug-11 09:59:55

TBH I think he will just be upset. But it will be helpful for him to see I am not attacking DD and being overly critical when I am just trying to analyse the different elements of what is up with her. Its easy to have your head in the sand when you don't see other children of the same age.
HW we will both need a stiff drink after I reckon.

zzzzz Tue 02-Aug-11 10:53:09

I hate watching my dh "get it" again and again. sad

coff33pot Tue 02-Aug-11 12:26:07

zzzzz I hate it too sad

DS and his obsession with guns and playing in "computer game mode" as in levels or copying the exact routine acted out on a TV programme caused a right row with his sister this morn. DH is just point blank saying play something else, have a different choice, or you can change ideas in a game.

Result...........meltdown as DS is getting confused and muddled and cant explain himself against 2 NT people that are flexible in their ideas. Result was full on screaming rage from DS and DH saying we wont play any game if you cant be nice.

Then its my turn to explain again his ridgedness in his mind on not faultering on how something he has seen. To him it cant be changed. Then a sad face on DH sad

I hope it goes well for you Firsttimer smile Just think that your lovely DD is still going to enjoy herself amongst children and the stimulation she will receive will be good for her. It is bound to be hard for you and DH but the more she mixes the more confident she will be in her future years. She is going to get there its just a delay thats all smile

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