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I need a hug today please and a kick up the backside

(10 Posts)
coff33pot Sat 23-Jul-11 13:05:59

Its one of those emotional days.......

After the pead appointment this week which went well and they are going to arrange OT for him and pead did say he would get his statement (although someone did post that they cant promise that so maybe that was false hope given) You would think I would be grateful wouldnt you or feel elated that someone finally looked at my son and saw what I saw in the space of 20 mins?

But I have such a mixed emotional feeling inside. I want the help for him and am fighting for it and dont stop for a second every day but I STILL dont want to be right that my DS needs help and that I brought him into life with AS and I want someone to tell me stop being daft your DS is ok.

Hes not ok.......he is my wonderful son who I love very much and my heart is breaking. And what did I do yesterday?.............I shouted at him sad

I cooked dinner for the children as normal and he insisted he wanted his plate infront of him despite that his dinner was still hot. I told him it was still hot and he said he would blow it. Rather than have a tantrum I placed it infront of him. He wanted tomato sauce on his plate and took his plate and went to the fridge. I told him the sauce comes out to fast so I would do it. Took the plate and put some sauce on it but in doing so I had "disturbed" his food. The sauce touched his peas and he went histerical. Yelled he had made a space for his sauce as he hates it touching his peas. This is totally new thing as normally he likes a little bit on each thing.

What resulted was a full on screaming and crying meltdown. He picked up a hot nuget and gripped it but it burnt his hand. He yelled of course and I explained it was too hot. He wanted to use his knife to spread sauce on it and was continuously picking it up hot putting sauce on his knife and then screaming from burning his hand. I kept repeatedly telling him he must either wait for it to cool or to use his fork to stab it and then do it. But no he wouldnt and just kept doing what he was doing. Then he dropped the nugget upside down on his peas and of course the sauce was over his peas............The distress on this was unbelievable! but I lost patience and took his dinner away and shouted at him above his yelling. Told him "until he calmed down and used his fork like I told him instead of being stupid in prefering to burn his hand he was not having dinner." STUPID I called him stupidsad and all over a bit of sauce. What was I thinking of why didnt I just remove the peas and make him fresh instead of being so determined that he was being silly.

The result of the meltdown ended in him crying that he had an awful day and his last day wasnt fun at all as he had to sit and watch a DVD there was no playing games like they said and that a boy (who is always hitting him and bless him he has his own issues) is bullying him and is too fast for him to run away from to a teacher and told him he would hit him again if he did tell a teacher. Both are only 6. This has taken all day to come out and yes it is good that it has but I should have been aware that it wasnt just a bit of sauce that was upsetting his balance on things. No I just called him stupid.

I am and I feel horrible. I think its because of this meeting and part of me is still denying the fact that my DS and I took it out on my son. A lot of ppl may think this is just trivial and I am sure my family would think I was daft to worry over something like this but it sure feels a big thing to me sad

Becaroooo Sat 23-Jul-11 14:33:46

I can relate.

I called my wonderful, gorgeous ds1 "lazy" a few months ago.

I am deeply ashamed of myself, BUT you know what? It made me realise that
a) ds1 needed help
b) that I couldnt give it to him and
c) I went to the GP and got him referred to be assessed.

So ds2 is now doing therapy and is undergoing assessment by the child dev paeds.

Sometimes you have to hit bottom for things to get better.

I am sorry your ds had a bad day (and I can TOTALLY relate to the tomato sauce thing!!!) but at least he told you about it eventually.

You have a right to get cross/upset/shout occasionally!!!

I sat my ds1 down the next day, explained I was very tired and was trying to help him and I wasnt doing very well and that I was sorry I shouted and that I knew he wasnt lazy. The irony is I have since found out that ds1's issues means he has to work twice as hard as other kids in school and to do even basic self care sad

Give yourself a break and your ds a hug x

EllenJaneisnotmyname Sat 23-Jul-11 14:46:30

Hi coff33pot. Please don't start feeling guilty about shouting at your DS. We have all shouted and often with less provocation. And just because there is a reason why your DS makes unreasonable demands (like no sauce touching his peas) that doesn't mean that they become reasonable. I try very hard to treat DS2 like his brothers (within reason) and not let him control the situation. He's the child, I'm the adult. Obviously that doesn't work all the time and I probably do bend over backwards to avoid meltdowns, but no one's perfect.

This is a really fragile time. You want to get support for your DS, you know his problems aren't just down to parenting but that means there is something different about your DS, something 'wrong.' Be kind to yourself, it's a really emotional time and you need some support and understanding from those around you. (((((hugs)))))

coff33pot Sat 23-Jul-11 17:23:50

Thanks guys for the replys the hugs and the support smile

Sometimes I think you just flag and run out of steam. I have an NT dd who desperately needs my attention too. I have been sending her out to cinema, swimming and out with her friends which is great for her but at the same time I want her home with me to have some me time but at the moment all DS seems to do is resent that she goes out and then resent the fact that she is indoors. The poor thing cant win and has no peace herself. He doesnt hurt her or anything like that but gives her no space and aggrivates her to high heaven.

She really needed me last night to talk over worries of her own and no she had to wait because DS was having a meltdown. I think it was a case of one child on one side needing me and the other child on the other side of the room going "Mum" Mum" and the fact that I was so selfishly preoccupied with my own thoughts about this meeting and how I felt that I flipped. sad

moosemama Sat 23-Jul-11 20:24:25

((hugs))

Coff33 you would have to be superhuman to stay cool, calm and collected all of the time. We all lose it sometimes and wel all say things we regret as well - not just with our SN children, but with the NT ones as well, we're only human.

My ds1 has just spent the past hour getting his poor dad to rearrange the bedroom following our trustee inspection today. He was saying things like "Dad, turn the desk chair 90 degrees to the right, now 47 degrees to the left, now 20 degrees to the right" then "please take the washing basket out of the room - its presence here is making me feel funny". Poor old dh was getting more and more tense, we've had a horrible day with vets, dog operations and now nursing a very poorly old girl and despite us explaining that this means we are stressed and upset, ds1 just keeps on keeping on being ds1.

I understand how you feel about your dd as well. Ds1 is the same about his brother, he is so jealous that ds2 got to go on a playdate this week, missed him like crazy, but has spent 99.9% of the time he's been with him this week antagonising, teasing and generally aggravating him. Same with dd, he loves her to bits, but he's always in her face and over the top until she has enough and gets really angry with her. Its tough finding time to give all of them, because from his perspective, I can never give ds1 enough time or attention, even though in reality he probably gets 80% and they share the remaining 20. sad

Is there any way you can get someone to have ds while you take dd out for a while? Ds2 really loves it when he gets an optician's appointment because we get to spend the afternoon together and I try to get in at least one afternoon a month with him if I can. I try to make sure ds1 gets a treat that he will appreciate on the same day, usually something like playing an online game on my laptop while we're out.

In the meantime, please try to be kinder to yourself and remember you need time for yourself as well as everyone else. ((more hugs))

utah Sat 23-Jul-11 20:31:22

I feel the sibling guilt but to be honest i do feel that I actually do over compensate but can not always see it and I feel they will be better adults with more compassion. I have lost it so many times and now count to ten and just try to catch my breath as when the anger rises and I have shouted when I shouldn't of it is me that cries myself to sleep while my children are snoring.

hannahsmummsy Sat 23-Jul-11 20:32:40

hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

coff33pot Sat 23-Jul-11 22:03:27

I am so sorry to read that your dog is poorly moosemama. I hope she recovers from her op quickly. I know I had a lump in my throat when my cat had to have an op on her paw. She looked so small and pitiful covered in bandages.

Our Jack Russel is feeling sorry for himself due to the fact he has hayfever.....yes hayfevergrin so no rabbit holes for him. He is sitting on settee next to dd who is also sniffing and sneezing with it too!

DS wasnt much better today and has been constantly in dds face all day. Dancing infront when watching telly, moaning that the game she was playing she wasnt following his rules. Yelling everytime she went off to blow her nose. I am sure I have broken a world record for the amount of times I have said "no dont do that DS" The only thing I have going is that at least at night time both sleep well thank goodness!

We run a little shop so the amount of time I have with the children is precious to the both of them and it is a disheartening day if you have spent it telling them off all day or sending them to separate parts of the house! DH and I work it so one of us is always here with them so there are no babysitters involved and my eldest DD has a life of hell trying to control him if he has a meltdown. He is fine when he is calm but she cannot handle him when upset and then that upsets her so there is no point. He just seems to be getting worse at the moment. We were doing so well after researching some stratagies to use and recognising early signs of meltdown looming to prevent it and felt positive that we were turning a corner that was at least slightly less hectic. Lack of experience in autism doesnt help matters either but I am assuming they have relapses of some sort every so often.

And yes utah if I am honest I am usually the one crying at nite because I bottle it up all day till the house is quiet x

moosemama Sat 23-Jul-11 23:29:15

Thanks coff33. Your poor dog, hayfever is horrible. Mine has a grass allergy that gives her itchy paws, not good for a dog that wants to spend half her life in the garden.

Sounds like your ds and my ds1 were both on a mission today. I think its par for the course at this time of year with all the end of term disruption. Sad thing is, we'll just get them properly settled and relaxed and it'll be time to send them back again.

We do the sending them to different parts of the house thing as well, but just recently ds1 has reverted to his old fear of being upstairs on his own, which means that particular strategy is no good at the moment.

I hate it when things go wrong and I can't get a handle on why, especially when they've seemed to be going a lot better recently. I sometimes feel like life with ds1 is a bit like a rollercoaster. There are a few slow and steady bits where things trundle along, but they usually precede a blooming great drop from a great height when things all get very stressed and often scary. Then there are the loop the loops where everything feels like its upside down and out of my control then just when I think I can't take anymore along comes another lull. It does help when things get hairy to know that there will be another trundle along sometime soon, iyswim.

You're right about the relapses, except I'd say they aren't so much relapses as 'reactions' to whatever's going on at the time eg end of term, holidays with unstructured time etc. Weekends are particular flashpoints for many children with ASD, as they cope better in a more structured time framework. Ds1 has been all over the place today because we had to be out of the house for the inspection, then had to wait at my Mum's house even though she was out, then there was all the dog stuff and me being upset. We usually keep Saturdays very quiet as a day to recover from the week. So, pjs for ds1, his favourite tv programmes in the right order in the morning, lunch at the same time and then ds time. If we do have to go out, we try to follow a semi-structured pattern time-wise and throw in something at the end of the sojourn that he will find rewarding to keep him motivated.

I think night-crying is common among us Mums as well. We have to hold it together so much in the day and get so little time for ourselves that its the only chance we get to let it out. sad At least we can come on here and support each other though - I'd be lost without this place.

I try to remember the thing my mum once told me (she's a clinical psych) about 'the good enough mother' or rather 'good enough parent' . Winnicott said basically, that perfect mothers/parents are bad for children. If we were all wonderful stepford mums, who were always sweet and kind, had endless patience, kept perfect houses, did everything for our children and never made mistakes - our children would grow up, leave home and immediately have a breakdown, because real life just isn't like that. We would be doing them no favours, as they would never learn either to take care of themselves or to understand that its ok to be less than perfect, leading to overly high expections of themselves and potentially damaging self-esteem issues if they fail to meet their own unattainable high standards. In addition, they would grow up never learning to accept imperfection in others, setting their expections of others too high and ultimately sabotaging every relationship before it even starts.

Its alright not to be perfect. What matters is that you care about trying to do things right, acknowledging when you get things wrong, caring about how your actions affect those around you and adjusting them accordingly. Without us making mistakes, how would they ever learn the importance of apologies? These are some of the most important things our children (particularly those who have ASD) need to see modelled.

I find it helps to think of it as being perfectly imperfect! wink

coff33pot Sat 23-Jul-11 23:55:09

Ok so today was a perfectly imperfect day! grin You know I can handle that one! DH has just come in from the shop absolutely shattered with his unhealthy takeaway chinese that he wanted. And has just come up to me in the kitchen and said the usual "everything all right?" So rather then bombard him with the ins and outs of things (seeing as I have already aired on here!) I just said " It was a perfectly unperfect day as per the norm do you want a cuppa?" and I have just had the wierdest confused look from his face grin grin

Thanks very much for all your time today. You have saved me from throwing a wobbly and my poor DH from his usual ear bashing! Lets hope for more perfect and less imperfect day for us all tomorrow xxxxxxxx smile

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