oppositional defiance, care?

[desparetlyseeking]

Where do I even being with such a long and complex history?

My 14 yo son was diagnosed with ODD as part of the statementing process, last year. At this point he was in a pupil referral unit, having had to agree to a managed move from his school. I had made a parental request for a statementing assessment before the move, which was refused then miraculously accepted after the move, and he was statemented with Emotional & Behavioural Needs on the basis of what the school provided. I had already asked for a CAHMS referral and been refused on the basis I was working with the school. An ed psych assessed him just before he left the school and recommended CAHMS as she thought there may be some slight depression. I made the request and we were seen after a few months, DS want twice on his own and has refused to go since. He is on the verge of being expelled from the second school he was admitted to, as he is persistently defiant and a couple of more serious inccidents - anger and violence. He says he will not go to school after this. I have spent the last 2 years not working so I could support him back in to main stream education and be there when he was not at school - sometimes it was only 1 hour a day. This has also involved appeal against the statement, dealing with lawyers etc.

DS is the eldest of two boys, I have been single most all the time and was working in a professional capacity up until 3 years ago. I spent all the rest of my time taking them to activities, DS especially as he is a very gifted footballer. I have driven him up and down the country for this as he has been scouted and was training with a club - even when his behaviour did not warrant it, as a way to keep him on track with education. He is very intelligent and can be lovely and charming, but also horrible. Nothing too odd there. But he has always tried to refuse discipline. He was first excluded at 8, refused to go to summer camp age 10, just took off with a couple of mates who were allowed to be out and about all day. His father wouldn't take him so I arranged for him to go to my parents, 80 miles away. When he realised where we were going he threw himself out of the car as it slowed and jumped in to school grounds. After more than an hour of trying to get him out I had to take my youngest home and went back out looking. By the end of that summer he had his first criminal reprimand. He has progressed on to a final warning for possession of drugs and is on bail for an ABH. He was meant to meet with a YOT team officer, he left the school so he didn't have to. He is hanging with older kids and involved with all sorts, wont come home most weekends, thinks if he texts where he is thats ok, is smoking a lot of weed, sleeping very late etc etc. I have done groundings eg take xbox control, he takes my or his brothers stuff, walks out of the house, last week tried to steal his brother's stuff as i wouldn't give him money. I ended up calling the police but as i had managed to get his brothers stuff away he had his own and they couldn't do anything. This probably doesn't give enough background but I am at the end of my tether. I have called ss twice and they offer "to mediate" but as he wont talk to them, thats it. A national helpline in youth mental health just advised me on respite, another that he had to learn the hard way. His brother is miserable as he is abused most days, scared and starting to think I'll do the same then, he gets to do what he wants. I have set boundaries and consequences but now they are ineffective and he just abuses me. I am on my knees (there have been other family stresses which are massive) and I cant see how I can get us out of this. i am left thinking the only chance of saving my youngest and trying to keep eldest from prison is to wait till he is next arrested and then refuse to take him. It breaks my heart to even think this and i haven't slept more than a few hours a night for the last 2 months or more. I am not giving up, Im trying to do whats right for him. He refuses to go to his Dads, refuses to go to my friends, refuses to see any problem, just thinks its me "chatting shit". I really don't need berating, I do it to myself enough, but any constructive advice would be welcome.

[WetAugust]

Hi

A dx of EBD is a cop out that fails to identify or undertand the real nature of your son's problems.

At 14, and with a Statement, he should be attending school. If he won't go or when he does go, school can't manage his behaviour the LA should be looking for a placement for him that can.

At 14 the LA will be quite content to sit back and wait for him to reach 16, at which point the LA has no statutory resonsibility at all to provide him with an education. Do time is definitely running out for you to get the LA to propoerly address his needs.

I would try:

IPSEA - they can advise about how to get school and LA to find him a suitable placement
Youth Offending Team - as you mentioned he already has had contact with the Police
SS - to do a needs assessment of him and also of your own needs.

I'd also be in touch with the Educational Welfare Officer and demanding a full assessment from CAMHS.

It sounds as though he needs intensive help as he has so many problems. Unfortunately that sort of help is expensive , which is why the LA will continue to ignore his needs and will be quite happy to let you struggle on.

Best wishes

[desparetlyseeking]

Thanks for the reply. Time is running so fast. YOT have not been in touch since he failed to show. The LA is under an order to provide an indication of where he will go next today, and they are likely to suggest an independent school where they work will do mechanics etc - say they can provide teaching from another place, if he responds. Talks of doing life skills but not any psychological etc just say CAHMS is still open to him. But he refuses to go.
What is IPSEA?
EWO - will they do anything other than do me if he fails to go?
This is partly why i think if he ends up under a vol car order they will have to act for him.

[WetAugust]

www.ipsea.org.uk or sossen.org.uk

Both are charities with helplines that will give you excellent advice on special educational needs.

I suggested thw EWO as if he isn't attending school the EWO will be involved - so it's best to put your case first.
.Definitely conatct the YOT. He's excatly the sort of young person (failing to keep appointments) that they should be actively working with.