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I hate feeling like such a PITA all the time at school...

(36 Posts)
FickleFreckle Tue 19-Jul-11 11:23:55

Yet another fraught conversation at the start of the school day when what I thought was going to be a simple two-minute conversation ended up being an argument that made the teacher late to take her register and inconvenienced the head as well. I feel awful about it, awful about the fact that the teacher with whom I had previously got on so well seems to feel increasingly irritated, insulted and frustrated every time I open my mouth, and awful about getting a name for myself as a nightmare parent.

I'm also unhappy about the result of the conversation, but I have to think positive and concentrate on the positives, which is that ds has had good 1:1 support this last week and the staff have been very kind to him (they always are kind and nice to the children; that's why I've still got him in the school) And we are going to proceed towards statementing, although they don't think he will get it, and they will get the EP in to see him next term.

This latest argument was about ds going part-time in Year One. I've been told that this is a much harder set-up with ds having to use the "big-boy toilets" (toileting is a massive issue) and having the same amount of children with less staff, plus a more demanding curriculum. At various points in the year ds' teacher has expressed her concern about how he will cope. There's also been an ongoing issue about ds biting and pushing and putting his hands around other children's necks which recently led to his being threatened with exclusion and things got fraught then with me saying he needed more support. This was when I brought up the issue of flexi-schooling.

So I found out about it and found out it was legal and a matter of private arrangement between school and parent as the child is then classed as educated off-site for part of the time. Great, I thought, no need to put ds, who is very young for his year and very young for his age, in Year One full-time and watch him struggle while we go through statementing, which we might not get anyway; he can go in the mornings, we can have a transition plan, we can phase him in full-time later if we want but it buys us time and flexibility.

DS' teacher says she is not prepared to even think about it until we have gone through statementing and we can see what support ds will get and what support I will get (?) and "see how he gets on". I said I was worried about the transition and she said she was not prepared to think that far ahead. Suddenly the story is that he's made great progress, the strategies are all in place, he'll be supported next year just as he has been this year. My perception is that despite a lot of effort being made to accommodate him (I've made it clear I'm not criticising the school) ds is getting very stressed and tired and making a fraction of the progress he could make. So if he has found it difficult in reception how is he going to manage in year one? I don't want to "wait and see" - wait and see what? If he is publically humiliated by an inability to control his bowels and bladder? If the progress I've made with him over the summer holidays gets undone and he steadily slides backward? If the pressure steadily builds in him until he lashes out and alienates the few friends he is slowly making? Errr...that's precisely what I am trying to avoid! It might not happen, of course, but I was hoping not to take the gamble.

What is irritating me is that the school are saying that flexi-schooling is too risky a decision to make quickly. As if putting him straight into Year One full-time is NOT risky! What they mean is that it's not the conventional option; and we all know how well the conventional way of doing things serves our children, don't we?

I'm sorry, but I feel as if I can see the whole scenario unfolding with horrible predictability. My son will have a few token assessments done at the beginning when special care will be taken to support him, by someone who has a qualification but doesn't know him or what he is capable of. He will seem OK and he will be given just enough support to get through the school day without disrupting lessons too much and participating in activities in at least a token way. He will make some progress and that will be classed as great, because it's so hard for autistic children to make progress isn't it, that even just being included is progress isn't it? Nobody will know any better, because they don't really know him, and the people who do know him ie. his family, will be treated with professional pleasantness and care and listened to just enough to shut them up and get them out of the classroom so the professionals can do their job.

The cracks will start to show later on, of course, as he finds it harder and harder to keep going. But by then the support will have been decided, the decisions and reports all made. Sigh...

OK, rant over. I feel better now smile

appropriatelytrained Tue 19-Jul-11 12:01:53

Oh you poor thing. I can totally sympathise as I have had years of this and I'm just emerging - a little wiser and a whole lot wearier - out the other side (for the time being at least).

I think you are right to be annoyed. I don't want to be an alarmist or conspiracy theorist but it feels like people are now starting to close ranks against you.

Statementing is not about children, silly, it's about schools - what do schools need? How will they manage? If course that is not the way it is supposed to work but it does. So school are trying to work out what they think they need to 'manage' your son. Where you are trying to find out precisely what your son needs.

This sets you up in conflict with the school and sours relationships. I don't want to worry you but the fact is that I have seen my relationship with school ruined by this business so I have now taken my son out. I have been lied to by just about everyone I can think of - LA, school, TAs, teachers and S&LT.

This is because I haven't wanted to sit back and let him fail or, rather, because I haven't had a choice about being proactive because I couldn't get DS into school and keep him there full-time.

We flexi-schooled for a bit to help but the LA did not like it - it's all about the child though isn't it?

Put your request in writing with reference to the relevant legislation and ask for a written response.

There's no nice way of doing these things - if the essence of what you are going to say causes conflict your choice is only to say it or not say it and that's no choice at all.

But be reassured, you are not being 'difficult' or 'demanding' or 'unreasonable' - you are politely but firmly doing what you believe to be right for your child.

Have you got your own reports for assessment?

Starchart Tue 19-Jul-11 13:29:45

God, your 'I'm sorry' paragraph sums up probably most of lives, at least for those of us luckily enough to get an excellent school.

Trouble is 'excellent' is so way off the msrk, and then you get the rest like ATs school.

Starchart Tue 19-Jul-11 13:33:03

I remind myself regularly thatvI will do everything to maintain good relationships with those who work with my child, but not at his expense. These people will not remember his name in 10 years but he andr will be living with the fall out of their mistakes.

FickleFreckle Tue 19-Jul-11 15:08:07

Oh I am so glad I got a quick response on here as I am feeling more than a little shaky atm. Less than an hour after I sent that post I had a call from the HT saying my son had bitten someone (the same child as last time, poor little girl sad ) and she had no choice but to exclude him. I went to pick him up and it was as if I had been excluded too - the HT told me quickly that I would receive a letter of exclusion, then on Friday (the last day of term) there would be a meeting to discuss his reintegration into the school. (Well I suppose that's one way to get transition planning, ds, but not my preferred one...) I didn't even see ds's teacher (who will be his teacher next year as she is moving up). The classroom assistant (who I really like) wouldn't even speak to me except to get his things, so I don't even know what happened.

I feel so sorry for the little girl and her mother as she was afraid to come to school last time and was promised it was safe and wouldn't happen again. It's her birthday tomorrow, ds was really looking forward to giving her her card and present as she is one of his favourite people. I so hope it doesn't spoil her day. Would it be crass for me to give her mum the card and present anyway with a note from ds saying sorry? I don't see why she should miss out on it but maybe they wouldn't want it?

DS does not understand why he can't come back to school and be in his class until next year. (It is only a 3 day exclusion but obviously won't seem so to his mind). He seemed OK until I heard a wail from behind the sofa where he had wet himself through the lightweight training pants they insist he wear instead of pull-ups. There was a puddle on the floor. DS had bitten his own arm so hard there were deep teeth marks in and it will leave a bruise. I never want to hear my child cry like that again.

Sorry, feeling a bit shaken up at the moment, will write more later when I feel a bit calmer. Don't want to over-react, but...

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 19-Jul-11 15:46:16

You are your child's best - and only - advocate.

IPSEA has information on their webpages re exclusions; I would suggest you read their pages asap.

I would also now write personally to the LEA and request a Statutory Assessment; IPSEA's website has model letters you can use. Ignore the naysayer school in this particular regard.

Lambskin Tue 19-Jul-11 16:36:56

Oh god I really really feel for you and your poor ds. I de-registered my ds (yr 1) yesterday for just those reasons. I wasn't working anyway (no job would have put up with the late starts, early finishes, random dashes to school etc) so I decided that Home Ed was the only solution. It felt like a constant battle and the daily humiliation was just awful.

My ds also bit someone he liked very much. I seemed to be apologising every day and patience from staff, parents, and pupils was very visibly wearing thin. I can't offer any advice there are many others infinitely better at that than me, but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone, none of this is your fault, nobody could do a better job than you, and you sound fantastic.

For what it's worth I'd give the little girl her card and present, and yes maybe a note to say sorry and explaining what life is like for your ds.

Starchart Tue 19-Jul-11 16:50:22

Wtf? And your child doesn't have a statement giving him legal entitlement to support?

Apply yourself so you can stay in control and see and comment on all the evidence.

You poor thing. What a horrendous day. If you can manage it keep your post about him wetting himself and biting himself (and take a photo of his arm). It will be useful evidence.

FickleFreckle Wed 20-Jul-11 21:01:34

Hello everyone, feeling well enough to type now, had a bad night sad

AT you are so right, statementing IS about what the school think they need to "manage" your child and managing is the operative word. I don't actually mind that they are too overwhelmed and struggling with the load on them to give my son everything he needs. I mind that they are not telling the truth and admitting it and enlisting my help and working with me to find solutions instead of persisting with this "we've got it all under control" charade. And now that he has been excluded instead of coming clean, apologising and being more open to me they are retreating ever further behind a wall of silence and vague meaningless professional phrases and professional assurances which amount to "please, please just shut up and get out of our school so we can finish muddling through and come out smelling of roses in time for the next OFSTED"

Starchart, you are right too - it is a really good school. Cosy, caring, kind. It's the system. It's the demeaning culture of school which dictates the them and us divide between staff and parents and encourages - almost forces - dishonesty and eventually, hostility. It's the pathetically inadequate funding that lies behind the rhetoric of SEN "inclusion". It's the stupid, stupid, stupid waste of time and energy and money that comes from simply not LISTENING PROPERLY to parents and not realising that extra regular time listening to parents, keeping them informed and getting their feedback should be the basic ground of all SEN provision and that lipservice just won't do it. Not because they are not good at their job, but because I am living this and they are not. <breathes>

And then, as you say, there are schools like AT's...

Attila, thanks for the reminder (I am wondering how I can make that into a badge). I've looked up IPSEA and found them very helpful because it then helped me make sense of the letter of exclusion I received and why the school had worded it the way they had. They are going for statementing - reluctantly (although perhaps not quite so reluctantly now...) I'm not sure how this is going to work now though as I am not sure I am actually prepared to let him go back full-time.

Lambskin, I identified with your post so much. The thing that keeps me going truly is the people on here who let me know I'm not alone - because I feel alone at school and yes, it is humiliating. Thank you so so much for your kind words. smile I took your advice and gave the little girl's mother her card and present and a note (for her mother to read to her if she thought it appropriate) explaining. I felt much better. The mother is a friend of mine and a really lovely person. The little girl is a sweetheart and I think one of the reasons why ds is targeting her is because he actually has a crush on her sad sad sad

I always seem to end up writing epistles on here so I will stop, only - thank you all!

coff33pot Wed 20-Jul-11 21:38:36

OMG FickleFreckle! your poor DS and YOU!

I am so sorry to read this upset. I went through similar a few weeks back the dredded phone call and my DS was excluded. I used this opportunity to take him out. I basically told them I was removing him totally UNTIL adequate provision for him and his protection was put into place. I gave them no choice and from then on the only contact I had was by email to the Head/SENCO so I had everything in writing so to speak. I was told to HE was not a good idea and that there would be the possibility of a future delinquent if I did and that got me more determined. I politely told them I would like DS to return to school and I am only removing him temporarily to give the school a chance to sort something out and also get more advice is how to handle autistic children. Also put a few suggestions in writing that I have applied at home that have worked for me and said I would like to see them in opperation in the school as it could only be beneficial to DS and the TAs.

They did apply for a statement but I had one in an envelope ready to post if it wasnt sent that week. I personally would just go ahead and do it yourself.

They did put a new timetable of which I asked for a copy so I could make DS aware of what he was going to do and where he was going to be.

Cut a long story short. He is back but I made sure it is gradual and part time for now. I didnt mention flexi school at all as I wanted the statement and the LA to go smoothly. I also phoned CAHMS and told them what I had done and I was given there support in this and told I was not doing wrong.

All along at no time did I say I wont bring him back. But if thruth be known if it didnt go in the right direction he wasnt going back. It turned the tables onto the school to actually pull their fingers out.

You have to do what you feel is right for your DS and you. Dont let them bully you into having him there full time if you know he wont cope xxxx

mariamagdalena Thu 21-Jul-11 14:07:15

I would definitely give the other mum the present. And say that you are so sorry, and so angry that this happened, and you had warned the teachers, so please can she complain formally to the governors.

The school had promised you your DS would be properly supervised, and this little girl wasn't protected. if you'd been looking after your DS I doubt he would have bitten the other child.

And if you want to flexi school: just do it. The education welfare officer is hardly going to bring you to court because the school are failing to meet a child's need to be able to use the toilet comfortably. On the other hand, a brief duration year one disaster might get the statement sorted grin.

FickleFreckle Fri 22-Jul-11 11:03:26

Thanks mariamagadlena and coff333pot smile you are all helping to give me the confidence I need when I am up against bureaucracy. I have the meeting in 2 hours, eek!

It is the last day of school and ds is officially allowed back in school "after the meeting". Um. This could be a problem as while I do want him to say goodbye to everyone and end the term properly, I do not think it is the best situation for a child with ASD who is already very unsettled and confused by his exclusion to be hanging around waiting for a meeting to finish at an unspecified time so he can go back into the classroom for an hour or so. Seems like a recipe for another biting incident to occur, but then what do I know, I'm only a mum. I can't help wondering what would happen if he did; would he get a half hour exclusion then and another reintegration meeting?

I am begininng to wonder if I am crazy or if they are.

If they won't take ds straight away I am going to suggest we divide the meeting into two meetings, one very quick one to "discuss reintegration for the rest of term", ie stay for last afternoon, and one longer one to discuss next term. That way I won't be rushed into agreeing to anything just so that he can get back in the classroom.

Keep your fingers crossed for me please...and for any of you that pray (of whatever beliefs) I could really use some prayers at the

Lambskin Fri 22-Jul-11 13:19:11

How did it go?

They are the crazy ones. They never fail to amaze me with new ways to be crap. smile

FickleFreckle Fri 22-Jul-11 17:28:41

Lambskin, hi smile You're right there about the new ways to be crap, I have just had the most bizarre and horrible meeting and I don't even know what happened exactly. I've never been so confused in my life. I feel as if every statement was either too vague to be helpful, full of veiled and slightly hostile allusions which I wasn't allowed to unpack, or not relevant to what I had asked, or dismissive, or else contradicting something I think I heard before but can't tell because when I tried to clarify I just got a "that's not what I said" and more vagueness.

I keep being accused of misconstruing people and yet when they get annoyed with me and say this it's because I'm precisely trying NOT to misconstrue them by checking with them if what I heard was what they meant.

The most upsetting bit of it for me was when I was trying to discover exactly where, when, how, ds bit the little girl. I had previously said that while immediate consequences for ds were important the most effective thing at home was identifying triggers for his behaviour and being proactive. The SENCO said (I thought)that identifying triggers had limited usefulness because when ds had offended there was no obvious trigger. I tried to put what I thought she had said into words and ask her if that was right.

I was writing this down because being dyspraxic and having problems with memory and oral processing (it goes in at the time but doesn't stay) I find if I make notes it helps enormously to keep me focused and help me remember. The SENCO (who is also the deputy head) snapped at me in an angry voice "No, that's NOT what I said. And don't write that down...All this writing...I find it VERY offensive." I started to explain again and she said in an impatient voice "Yes, yes, I know why it is..."

I did my best to listen without writing anything down and find out what had happened eg. was the child near, did he lunge, did he chase after her
and she accused me of hairsplitting. But with ds these details are very important as clues to his behaviour and motivation.

I suggested we could have another meeting because obviously for the strategies to be effective we needed more careful indepth analysis of what was going on (ie. not the five minutes here and there I get) The SENCO said sarcastically "And where is this "indepth" analysis going to come from?"

This was after the HT had impatiently said "This is a reintegration meeting, this is not to analyse what's gone on, this is to discuss what is going to happen next. I have told you what the school can offer, you need to tell us what you have decided."

I was still quite unclear on what the school were offering though. They said there would be 1:1 but at the same time not saying what strategies the 1:1would use or granting me any space to talk to either teacher or TA before the term started. They made it clear that there would be zero tolerance of violent behaviour and said there would have to be a Parental Agreement to ensure that both school and home were giving the same message to ds that his behaviour was "absolutely unacceptable" (WTF?? "Oh sure, son, just give 'em a bite if you feel like it, that's what I do when I'm pissed off or someone looks like an apple to me")

They have not refused flexi-schooling, they have just refused to give any opinion or discussion on it. They have said I need to make the decision about it (in a very annoyed voice) but will not enter into any discussion whatsoever about how it might work or even when he will go; just "Tell us what you are going to do so I can let Borough Hall know".

But what has hurt me most is the demeanor - the dislike and impatience emanating from them. The way any attempt from me to tell them about ds is met almost with a rolling of eyes. They wanted ds to be in the room during the meeting but with a TA keeping him occupied (since he doesn't understand what has happened he can't really contribute) so he was being discussed in his presence but not really having a clue what was being sad.

They said he did know what he was doing. Why? Because he had been able to tell the SENCO that "biting was wrong" and because he had appeared happy and playing at the time of the attack.

I have observed that ds is happier playing with children a bit younger than him because they are more at his developmental level socially, but they will not let him go into reception again because they say it is "not inclusive" and that he will not learn socialisation from younger children and and that he will become more frustrated because they are not at his intellectual level. This despite observations frequently made that ds is in many ways still a toddler and that if he had been born a couple of weeks later he would have been going into reception in September in any case.

On paper I have got what I wanted - 1:1 support, proceeding to statementing, flexi-schooling - but I feel that I cannot work in this atmosphere. I leave discussions feeling as if I have been beaten up even though I cannot put my finger on exactly why.

Ds' teacher did not even speak to me. She was extremely rude to my mother who accidentally brought ds to the wrong entrance while I was going up into the meeting, shouting at her "You're not supposed to come this way!" "oh sorry I didn't know" "You had a letter about it! You can only go that way in the morning!" (The letter had been confusingly worded).

I just feel so hurt and bewildered. I have tried so hard to be co-operative and reasonable and yet I obviously annoy them every time I open my mouth. OK, perhaps my communication skills are lacking and I know I struggle with formal situations and rules and regulations but I do do my best to observe them. But I don't deserve this surely? I'm just so worried for my boy and what is saddest is that he loves all the staff and children and thinks they are all his friends yet every day he is in there he is at risk of exclusion sad sad sad

Lambskin Fri 22-Jul-11 18:36:19

shock [anger]

Oh Fickle that is truly shit.

Have you been in touch with Parent Partnership? I had a really wonderful woman come with me to a meeting. She informed me, and the school, of my legal rights and it made them behave with a lot more respect when they could see I was prepared to come armed.

They will do everything they can to make you feel powerless but you must not let them treat you and your ds like this. He literally cannot help his behaviour. My ds is very similar, he is able to understand in theory what is good and bad behaviour but when he's in the moment and feeling threatened or anxious, all reason escapes him.

Education is supposed to be inclusive and respectful of differences (hence differentiation), but in my experience if you don't fit they don't want you, end of.

You had every right to take notes, minutes are often taken at a meeting. You need to take someone with you next time. They just bullied you. I am so angry and upset for you, I wish I could help.

Lambskin Fri 22-Jul-11 18:37:07

angry obviously

tryingtokeepintune Fri 22-Jul-11 20:50:36

Fickle - I am so sorry you are going through this.

Agree with Lambskin about getting someone like Parent Partnership into meetings with you. They were good up to a point i.e. they are still employed by the LA, sat next to the LEA SEN officer etc and so tried not to rock the boat too much. However, their presence at meetings reminded school that there was an outsider present who could provide an independent account of what happened, what was said etc. and helped me clarify the issues.

Do not let school/SENCO bully you re: taking notes. It is your right. Alternatively you could email her stating that since she finds note-taking offensive, would she mind you recording the next meeting or bringing someone with you. At least you then have her comments on record.

It might also be an idea to write to the HT and Senco about what you think was agreed today, what was offered. I am sure you know you can change your mind to anything you have agreed to at the meeting - on reflection, I feel... Your email could also state that the HT felt that there was no time to discuss what happened to trigger the exclusion but that you would like a meeting to discuss that.

I know it sounds a little antagonistic but it is important that you start collecting evidence now.

Another thing -you might like to have headings/bullet points so that each point is clearly highlighted and school can agree/disagree. In the past when I wrote emails with more than a couple of points, school tended to only deal with those they wanted to. With headings, it is clear what they have not dealt with.

Another thing, my ds's school tried excluding him a couple of times and then I think they remembered the Disability Discrimination Act and changed strategy. Have you tried calling one of the charities?

I hope the above help. I know how difficult schools can be and how they feel they are the professionals etc. I know how hurtful it is when they seem to dislike your ds. In the end we changed school - took us a long time but we managed it. The irony is that when school realized we were serious, they could not do enough to prove they were the best place for ds but it was all just too late.

Good luck

FickleFreckle Fri 22-Jul-11 21:11:57

Oh Lambskin, thanks so much for the sympathy smile I have wiped my eyes now and focused on the positives and realised that they are actually going to give me the specifics I requested and in the long run however hurt and bewildered I feel much depends on the TA. The TA who has been working with him and the other classroom assistants are lovely and I have total respect for them. Where they haven't been able to take in or listen to what I was saying it's because they were rushed or because it was outside their authority not because they weren't willing. Two of them have children who have problems themselves and I think that is part of what makes them so understanding. The other is from a nursery background and very patient with toddler-type behaviour!

I do feel bullied, but I also have realised that there are a lot of people who understand - on Mumsnet, my family, and the staff at the next door Children's Centre (my mother took my dd there after dropping off ds and I met her there). I went in, they asked me how I was, and I burst into tears. They gave me a hug, a cup of coffee and a shoulder to cry on. Then I came home and found your message as well smile

So just because the Head, the SENCO, and the teacher seem hostile and dismissive does not mean that the TA who does 1:1 will be, in fact I've got every reason to expect otherwise. And if he is excluded then I'm only back to homeschooling him anyway, which might be for the best in the long run. (I just don't want him to hurt anyone else, but I can't keep him home just for that reason) I would homeschool him out of choice, except that ds really loves belonging to that school and is clear (well as clear as he ever is) about not wanting to stop going there. It stresses him and tires him out, but hopefully with half-days this won't be such a problem.

You put it really well - he understands it intellectually, but yes, all reason does escape ds in the moment. They say the behaviour sometimes happens when he is apparently happy and relaxed. But this absolutely does not tally with anything I have ever seen of him in the almost 5 years I have lived with him! I have never, ever known him aggressive when happy and relaxed. He can be over-affectionate. But again this doesn't cross the line of acceptability if there isn't an underlying stressor.

Why does it have to be like this? Of the parents with SEN children I've spoken to, there is so much pain out there, so much frustration, professionals who seemed so nice at first turning so nasty, so little respect for parents' opinions and help. Why?

coff33pot Fri 22-Jul-11 21:44:33

[anger] [anger]
I am disgusted but not surpised. From what you have put here I would say they are the bullies that need to go to a quiet room!

The trigger to how the event happend is VERY important. It is all very well them saying that there was no obvious trigger but there is always a reason behaviour impulsive or not. There could have been certain circumstances that happend prior to your DS being with this child. For my DS it is usually being forced to go into group activity that is noisey, not being able to cope and running away but letting them take him back to a situation he hates, that results in an outburst later in the day and anyone will bear the brunt but it looks like there was no reason iyswim.

Also it is wrong to put a child in a room full of adults talking about them like they were not there. The TA could take him anywhere and play with him. What did they seek to achieve? Your DS may not understand that his behaviour is wrong but he has feelings and could well sense the atmosphere around him and it certainly cant make him feel better if his parent and his teachers are battling things out infront of him. They really havent got a clue have they. And snapping at you for dyspraxia and tutting it off proves there utmost rudeness and ignorance.

I would take today to calm down you have written some notes so go through them when you feel logical to do so. (says she who always jumps with both feet first and not always follows her own advice grin).

The other posters are right in saying you need someone along side you to mediate.

Think things over and ask yourself if you are totally happy with what the outcome of the meeting is. If not......then send them a letter in writing or email if you have the address. Copy it for your records. In the letter state plainly that due to your dyspraxia you found the meeting difficult to absorb and so would like a further meeting to discuss fully in detail with another representative at hand to help you understand.

Write that you understand 1 to 1 is being provided and the school is proceeding to a statement but because of the seriousness of the incident with another child you need to be sure exactly WHAT strategies they are GOING to put in place to protect your DS and other children.

You are also entitled to know exactly what your DS timetable will be and where he is going to be taught. Will it be in the classroom? or a quiet 1 to 1 area? If your DS is comfortable in a reception surrounding can it not be intergrated into his daily routine. For example my DS has 20 minutes nursery time a day as he is relaxed and at ease there and it is a break from the "big boy" world.

You could also say that whilst you agree that violence would have zero tolerance as you dont condone it at home. What strategies are they going to put into place to help avoid such problems in the future.

I would also at the meeting request a Home Book. I have one and it is a great diary of my DS actions thoughout the day (the good and the bad) and I have been able to work out quite a few pattern of events leading up to and angry outburst or running away. It also acts as your DS back up in respect that it would be the 1 to 1 that would be writing in it and once written down cannot be altered or the story escalated for maximum seriousness effect. wink It has actually help back my DS up on occasion when little white lies occur from teachers.

I would also use this in saying you are still worried and uncomfortable to return your child to school for fear of another issue taking place should your DS get overwhealmed again. This would force their hand hopefully into sitting up and taking notice that you want the best for your DS.

On the question of flexi schooling if that is what you want then go for it but for the moment I would treat this whole senario as if your DS is full time and the school think you have every intention of wanting your child in a whole school enviroment well intergrated and happy with proper support. That will stop them getting lax with the "oh hes only here for a bit each day so what does it matter" Because from there unsuportive response when you discussed it it seems to me they dont give a damn.

After the meeting give them a time period that you are willing to wait for them to apply for a statement (not tell them this I mean just in your own head) If they dont do it then just go ahead and do it yourself after you have gathered enough information on what is happening at school.

Sorry this is long lol but this is bullying and so unfair so its kind of annoyed me a bit grin

FickleFreckle Fri 22-Jul-11 21:44:39

tryingtokeepintune, thanks smile that is a good suggestion about emailing the HT about what I think was offered as believe it or not I am still not 100% sure. The SEN did say afterwards it was OK for me to take notes but not...(am not certain what she said I was not to do) So I didn't take any more as I didn't know what was and wasn't going to cause offence!

But yes, I just can't stand the thought of them not wanting ds, thinking that his behaviour is deliberate, feeling that he is walking a knife-edge while he is there, and yet he is the sweetest most innocent child. He really honestly has got no idea. They do talk kindly to him though. Maybe it's just ME that gets up their noses and they're actually thinking "sweet boy, it's a shame he's being spoilt by that nightmare mother" grin

I am going to bring a tape-recorder to the next meeting, then we have got it all on tape. It's a good suggestion about headings. I'm not being antagonistic, I just can't stand any more of this confusion.

I think I had better tidy up the house first though. I've spent so much time worrying about ds if I had a paper trail it would probably be buried in the rubble!

coff33pot Fri 22-Jul-11 21:47:22

ooops! took so long to stamp this out I have crossposted with you lambskin! and now you are relaxed and I am mad hehehehehee grin

coff33pot Fri 22-Jul-11 21:48:19

I MEANT FickleFeckle! blush

FickleFreckle Fri 22-Jul-11 22:21:10

coff33pot I am the last person to complain about a post being long! [sheepish grin] I really appreciate people taking the time to share things. What you said about your DS having an outburst later in the day did make sense as I have found this -I think ds is taking things in his stride and then suddenly it all goes pear-shaped. He can flip from happy to freaked out in a second so I do have to watch out - is he getting too tired, too hungry, too over-stimulated, even too hot or cold? This is what I was trying to tell them about being proactive - he cannot regulate himself yet and when he does switch it will be very sudden so you have to think ahead. If I had had space to talk about it I could have got them to understand but I was cut off - the SENCO said that being proactive would not have helped as the TA was with him at the time and could not have reacted that quickly hmm

Yes, I think one of the things upsetting me was I couldn't get any information about what was going to happen going into classroom, timetable and so on. They honestly couldn't understand why I wanted to analyse what had gone on or be more specific about strategies. In fact from their reaction and replies I am starting to wonder if I was actually speaking English.

I like the idea of "reception time". I am wondering about having a thread where we pull together all the most helpful things schools have done to manage behaviour - it might give me and some other parents ideas to suggest with the sense that we are being realistic because it is being done elsewhere IYSWIM.

I agree about ds being in the room not being a good idea. I think it must be like hearing people talking in a foreign language, hearing your name and seeing that people do not seem happy. Not nice.

Urrgh. I think I need a brew. Anyone else for one? smile

FickleFreckle Fri 22-Jul-11 22:28:15

coff33pot I am feeling more relaxed because of all the people like you being mad on my behalf...makes me doubt my sanity that little bit less. If I am feeling this baffled and unsure of myself after a few meetings I can only try to imagine what it is like for someone who is actually on the autistic spectrum themselves - the ASD mums on here are heroines in my eyes!

I am new to this school lark - how do the veterans keep from descending into gibbering wrecks on a daily basis?

Lambskin Fri 22-Jul-11 22:33:30

Excellent advice from coff33pot and tryingtokeepintune smile

TAs are fab aren't they? I have nothing but respect for them and they showed so much warmth and, even love, to ds. Keep talking to them and cultivate a friendship if you can, as many people on your side as possible is no bad thing. What about PTA etc? I know it sounds a bit much but they are powerful folk and if they like you and understand your circumstances then the Head and SENCo (miserable bitch) will have a harder battle. We can't be there for you in RL but you'd have to have a heart of stone not to be moved to fury at this. Tell people. As many as possible.

Keep us posted won't you?

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