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OCD ASD and Exes! Help!

(7 Posts)
Mitmoo Mon 18-Jul-11 16:22:45

I've just posted this in Am I Being Unreasonable so sorry for duplicate it struck me that would also be a great section to get some feedback on.

My son has ASD HF and OCD. His father took him away for the weekend (didn't return him as arranged but kept him for another day covered on other threads).

I now have a very confused child, I am his only real parent, Dad just takes him out for a few hours when it suits him, sometimes that can be weeks between, never overnights at his home. I do all of the parenting stuff.

He has spent the weekend telling my son I am nuts, he hates me, he won't speak to me because hates my guts, that I baby him and generally sticking the boot in at every opportunity. I divorced this excuse of a human being over a decade ago.

Now I have a child, who only tried to commit suicide a matter of weeks ago and had to have multi agency support involved CAMHS autism support, school the works who is confused as to how much trust he should have in his Mum and feels he is stuck in the middle of the two of us and he is. Not by my choice.

AIBU to be hopping freaking mad that not only did he not return my son, he told my son to take the blame and say he'd forgotten to tell me they were staying until Monday creating an unauthorised absence from school, he doesn't lie well at all bless him and told me he didn't know about stopping until today until they'd left my house.

And now my son is confused, who should he believe is Mum Mad or is Dad lying, he doesn't want Dad to be lying. Why does his Dad hate me so much. He doesn't get it but he knows that he does by everything he says and did. He says his Dad doesn't want me to all him when he is away and makes mys son feel bad.

On the other thread I posted how when I asked for the address of where there were staying, really politely as arranged in front of my son, me ex went totally off on one. Now I know that he had planned to keep him for an extra night without telling me and without his meds and that's why he went ballistic at me.

Sorry it has been a hell of a weekend so I am ranting, this is the final chapter I promise.

bochead Mon 18-Jul-11 18:20:31

See a solicitor asap. You need a prohibited steps order preventing the ex from having unsupervised contact in future. It's a no-brainer.

Screwing with a child's mind to this extent is a form of emotional abuse. If your kid has been self-harming, then the ex's behavior is actually putting your child at considerable risk. Not giving a kid his meds is neglect. Draw a line in the sand.

Being a decent parent (either sex) should be about making your child feel safe, protected, loved and cared for - he's done the total opposite deliberately at a time when the child is very, very vulnerable. If the other parent can't see past their own egotistical need to score points when in charge of caring for a potentially suicidal youngster then honestly contact is better done only under supervision or remotely.

(If Dad upsets him and he tries self-harming again WHO picks up the pieces, attends all the subsequent appointments, multi-agency baloney etc as you try and get the kid on an even keel again?)

I'm all about kids knowing and having contact with both parents where it is SAFE to do so btw. The key word for me though is SAFE and this goes beyond the usual nonsense. (Just in case anyone jumps to the conclusion I'm a man-hater or summat daft).

coff33pot Mon 18-Jul-11 19:34:50

As a second option. If your DS gets too stressed about not seeing his dad. You could have SET visits not random ones with NO overnight stays due to your sons stability at the moment. At least that will set a routine for your DS and mean he has to return him at the end of that visit. You can then also ensure he has taken his meds either before he goes or when he gets home adn have the surety that he his home with you in the evenings.

Mitmoo Mon 18-Jul-11 19:56:59

BOCHEAD - you've got it, he is so bloody irresponsible. He hates me more than he loves his son and that's not good. On top of that he doesn't accept he has ASD and says things like "What letters has he got this week", in the past he has said infront of the child when he was doing funny body movements "what's up with him he's not normal" until I told him to shut it or say goodbye to his son.

He has had so many chances it just can't go on. I would write a book on it but for the fact it would hurt my son and I won't do that.

I have told him no more overnights and all contact in future to come through me. Let's just say ex is unimpressed.

Mitmoo Mon 18-Jul-11 19:59:06

coffee Definately no overnights ever again. He never has him at his house anyway, only has him 1 or 2 times a year for a couple of nights on trips, that's over. I am not even sure about unsupervised at the moment to be honest.

coff33pot Mon 18-Jul-11 20:27:01

Then dont mate. There wont be a law on this land that would blame you in keeping him from seeing his Dad at all with the comments he is using and how much he is putting your DS mental state at risk! I would definately do as Bochead says though and seek a solicitor and I am sure the CAHMS ppl or the other services you have seen would add weight to your decision x

Mitmoo Mon 18-Jul-11 21:03:26

Coffee The law is a complete ass I have no trust or faith in it having spent over two years being taken to court by ex for unsupervised. He lost in the end but not before one hell of a nightmare. That was over ten years ago now.

You are right though this time CAMHS would be involved as would autism support who would both support my child which would mean severely limiting any unsupervised contact with the Dad.

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