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I cant carry on anymore. feeling suicidal

(35 Posts)
hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 11:31:59

Im a mum with aspergers I have never been ashamed of that fact . I had a long battle to get apropriate support from the adult mental health serives and for over 7 years i have had great support. about a year ago dd got ill wilth a mystry joint pain illness , she has always had mild sn , school seem to hit an all time low. i asked for a stat asses , the school listed her main need as being a young carer ( V OFFENSIVE as i have spent much more time caring for dd as she has been ill , as a mum should do ) . i asked for a carers asesment , turned down as dd aparently not disab , although she recives dla .lost the plot my asperger mind concluded me not being alive anymore would result in better help for dd , now in getting parenting assesment . i love dd want the best for its begining to seem that care is the only option. i know it would devesate her as private psycologist says she cant bear to be away from me for more than one min . she was on rare visit to father , who has been shit , last night . i ended up down a and e to get valium as i couldent resist the urge to throw myself in morving traffic . my dd is a lovely kid with some needs . i want to throw the towel in , the world the taxpayer and dd would be better off

Lougle Sun 17-Jul-11 11:46:52

Hannah, that's not true at all smile You are doing a great job in caring for your DD. We all feel like throwing the towel in sometimes.

What is your DD's main SN? Perhaps we can help smile

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 11:48:52

emotianal and social

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 12:00:02

dd keeps saying shes im pain an screams makes a fuss etc until she recives medical tratment , i dont think shes putting it on its her way of communicating how she feels . the hospital imform social services , school nurse etc , the finger gets pointed, my asperger mind panics and thinks of worst , its a vicious circle. dd under chams crisis . i cant cope with all these strangers invading my life, but i made it worse by telling them i was suicidial . i havent washed up or done the ironing everythings a mess. all i want to do is cuddle dd , tell here everythings ok and play junior monopoly .

pinkorkid Sun 17-Jul-11 12:00:37

As lougle says, you are doing everything you can for your dd and should feel secure that you are the best person to do that - but you shouldn't feel bad that you need some support yourself to be strong for her. Also you have given great support on here to other parents who are struggling with their ds' extra needs. You are a great example to those of us who have dc's with AS that they can go on to live an independent life and be good parents themselves.

Can you start with going to your gp for support with the anxiety and depression?

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 12:09:50

im lucky in the fact i have 30 hours care a week and great mental health social worker who understands AS. i have always managed to cope with anxiety since i got a carer . the illness and increasing sn of dd has made my anxiety snowball as child care proffesionals misinterprate my AS and dont understand that i may say very stange things under pressure. im scared they will take dd into care , but my logical brain tells me its unlikley as they have only just offered support and she will be 16 in march. if they say she isnt disabled can her dla be taken away or are ss and gov do i deal with social services assesment , tell them to piss off , or make them nice cups of tea , pretend to give them eye contact and generally pretend I dont have AS ????

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 12:10:38

ps im seeing pychatrist in aug will ask for anxiety medsx

elliejjtiny Sun 17-Jul-11 12:13:08

(((hugs))). I have dyspraxia which has some similarities with AS (my dh also has AS) and I'm so with you on the proffessionals thing, especially the ones that come to your house and start bossing you about. As for being a young carer what total rubbish, I would have been insulted by that as well. My DH would struggle looking after our 3 boys on his own, I think you are doing a brilliant job

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 12:18:45

im apealling stat assement refusal on the ground that the young carer diagnosis from the school swayed the panel in to thinking it was a social sevices problem and not educational

sickofsocalledexperts Sun 17-Jul-11 12:31:37

You have a very hard path and I am sending you strength and hugs. Prozac has helped me when times got tough and pursuing the assessment sounds a good idea. Please do not ever feel that your daughter is better off without you. A child needs their mum, and however hard life gets, having mum at your side makes it all 100% easier. I know that both as a mum and as a daughter.

colditz Sun 17-Jul-11 12:40:29

She's fifteen, they will not take her into care unless you are beating her senseless (which I assume you're not)or she wants to go (and again, I assume from her behavior that she doesn't)

And logically the reason they won't take her into care is because she is 15, would be very hard to place and it would cost too much to pay a foster carer if she has diagnosed SN. They won't take her, you are both the cheaper and safer option. You are safe, she is safe, don't panic.

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 12:50:50

thanks , my aspergers anxiety has just hit the roof . thanks for your advice I need to think logical .

drivemecrazy63 Sun 17-Jul-11 13:00:54

i feel for you truely i do, im feeling a overwhelmed atm it does get you in a state as im reading your thread my stomach is churning, i used to be agraphobic and so much is going on too much all at once i can only cope wih one problem at a time and im sure as your AS its the ame for you one problem , take time get it sorted i can handle that 3 or 4 things as i have at the moment im a mess i want to hide away tell them all to go away and stay in my room... all im thinking is you need to tell them to STOP i need time to think and asses in my mind and order things appropriately then 1 by 1 deal with each thing seperately... and 110 % no daughters better off without her mum especially one who like my ds or your dd relies on you as there rock and suppoort, use the people you already know who have been supporting you tell them how thess do gooder strangers getting involved are making it worse... a few years ago my ds had been picked n poked for 3 years to no avail at the time and i wrote them all a im dealing with it looking into alternative help letters and they all buggered off maybe with your support your already getting thats what you need to do , take a step back let the water clear and then make decissions... and as your dd is 16 soon to be honest they wont be bothered as they have so many on their list... so wait and get in contact with adult sevices for her maybe as your already involved with them for yourself that would be easier.

Chummybud1 Sun 17-Jul-11 13:05:50

Poor you, you are having a bit of a rough time. You have managed for 15 years to raise your wonderful daughter, you are a good mum and have seeker help before things get bad. Forget the ironing, play monopoly and enjoy spending time with your daughter that obviously loves and needs you

giraffesCantZumba Sun 17-Jul-11 13:06:06

You did the right thing seeking support last night when you felt suicidal.

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 13:09:58

im just gonna get dressed tidy up , go and finish my cleaning job and carry on as normal. when dd gets home im going to hug her , lay on the bed and chat to her , she dosent know im suicidal so i can pretend every things normal. i just have to forget about social services in between visits. they can find everything about us from a couple of poxy visits . thanks mumsneters i feel you have given me stength to carry on

drivemecrazy63 Sun 17-Jul-11 13:22:17

thats the ticket em your a brill mum and ds will leave school soon life will be completely different and youve a lot of happy times to look forward to de-stress and hug your baby be there for each other forget the world and just be for a bit (((hugs)))

drivemecrazy63 Sun 17-Jul-11 13:22:53

thats shouls read F* em blush

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 15:52:39

in tears now , just phoned crisis team and they said I have taken up enough of there time today . I just wanted someone to talk to , tried to sleep had a bad dream . nobody cares x

drivemecrazy63 Sun 17-Jul-11 16:20:39

we do hannahsmummy we really do if your feeling that bad walk into A&E again and tell them your feeling that bad.. or ask a neighbour or friends or family or ring your social worker anyone please dont do anything silly ring samaritans please:

08457 90 90 90 please im so worried about you xx

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 16:37:48

thanks asked to speak to manager , told them 2 times in one day not unreosanable xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx feel a bit better now xx i know i have to help myself but i the whole point in having a mh crisis team is that you could ring them xx

EllenJaneisnotmyname Sun 17-Jul-11 16:49:15

You've got friends here, hannahsmummsy. Keep going. smile

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 16:51:25


smugtandemfeeder Sun 17-Jul-11 17:13:50

everyone on here cares hannahsmummy. thanks for coming back to let us know you are feeling a bit better.

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 17:49:50

thanks im going to church tonight my faith makes me feel better (although I tottaly respect its not everyones cup of tea ) left a note for when dd gets home telling her i love her and what she needs to do , pjs on etc. have to start getting her to take some responsability even though she has sn ( i wouldent want her any other way ) i have to get my life back and get her to be a little more independant xx

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