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On the verge of telling social services to go take a running jump

(24 Posts)
mumoftwolittlerugrats Sat 16-Jul-11 16:35:24

So they were involved over our 4 year olds special needs, according to them.
They did a 7 week children in need thing and said if it all goes well it will go down to TAC.
It was about to go down to TAC but my son started swearing a lot lately and screaming (a LOT).
We're getting through it because both me and DP knows he just goes through stages, and if weremain calm and make sure he isn't exposed to swearing (by telling all friends and relatives to be careful with language) then he will get through this period and forget it all.

So at the last meeting, we were very late through no fault of our own, and missed a social worker visit previous to that, so they were a bit snotty, barely listening to the fact that I was in hospital.

So they said they're concerned and want to investigate further now, because my son is obviously in a lot of distress, they need to find out why he's suddenly acting this way.
Well if the effing morons actually listened to the consultant specialist, who says he seems very autistic after assessing him twice,and if they'd looked into his condition and how it affects him, then they'd knowfine well why he's acting that way.
He regresses, forgets things he learnt, can scream and freak out at someone talking to him alone, just because he was responsive last week, doesn't mean we must be secretly beating him at home for him to act worse the next week.

Our social worker seems to know NOTHING about my son's mental disability.

So she says they're not satisfied everything's okay (well of course everythings not okay).
So she's going to start doing surprise visits for the entire summer.
No, she didn't ask if she could.
Her body language was appaling towards us, she may as well have built a ten foot brick wall between us and told us through a hole 'I think you might be abusing him so I'm gonna catch you when you don't expect it'

My son is going to a specvial school in september, thank god, I'm sick of people thinking I must be doing something terrible, because he comes across as 'traumatised'.
Me and DP put several hours a day into our son. I read him a good 3 stories each night, stroke him head to sleep, make him what food he likes. I stay calm when he's screaming and swearing in the street and stand there for however long it takes until he's ready to carry on walking.

I'm at the end of my tether, my partner is wonderful, and is the most caring father I've ever met and puts in equally halfof the parenting.

When we're only 'just' getting through this (son's constant screaming).
Social services have the cheek to come in and say theyre suspicious and will invade our home when they like.
They never even tried to speak to me like a person and understand our situation.
I speak with many people, I use the childrens centre frequently and we get along great with the health visitor and support workers when we do a weekly parenting class.
But this social worker comes along and says this to us.
I'm nervous as hell, if they're gonna come out and say the house isn't good enough, or what she's gonna do.

I'm bursting into tears constantly. They've made things so much worse.

I really want to just call and say she's not welcome anywhere near us, we're finished with them.
They bassically laughed at us asking for funding for extra nursery hours for DS, so they can't help, but they just glare at each other and speak all accusingly. They even said because there's no official diagnosis, they're not even really taking him having a disability seriously. They think we could be causing his behaviour.

So, I don't want social services near us.

Do I have any rights to tell them to stop harrassing us and causing us stress, and go away??

Lougle Sat 16-Jul-11 17:29:12

Oh MoTLRR, that is tough. I don't think there is a way of disengaging now, without you giving the caseworker even more grounds for her suspicions.

Imagine how it would look:

"I expressed concern to MoTLRR and now she has terminated contact. I am deeply concerned about the well-being of master Rugrat"

I think there are a few things you can do.

-You can keep a diary, an 'ABC' diary. A is antecedent (what happened before), B is behaviour (his screaming, swearing), C is consequence (what did you do, what happened next, etc.)

If you can show that a) you take their concerns seriously b) you are just as concerned c)you are trying to identify the cause and look at patterns of behaviour d) you have a rough idea of what might be happening, that may be reassuring.

-You could try videoing some episodes, to show that they are spontaneous or that you didn't do anything to cause them.

-You can tell professionals working with you that SS have raised concern, and ask for tips or pointers to help his behaviours. Then go back to SS with an action plan proposal.

I can understand your anguish, and tbh if DD1 hadn't been in the 'system' so long, and hadn't kicked off half an hour into our assessment visit, our story could be just like yours.

Fortunately for us, DD1 kicked off after the SW had been here half-an-hour, and she could see that for DD1 it is like the flip of a switch. There isn't a build up, there isn't a direct cause, she just 'flips'.

cory Sat 16-Jul-11 17:32:37

I wouldn't advise it. Ime- and I have been through similar- the best way to make them go away is to be very welcoming, ask for help whenever you feel appropriate and show them you have nothing to hide. Make them cups of tea, thank them for coming out even if it feels like the words are sticking in your throat.

Try to see things as much as you can from their pov: how would you handle it if you genuinely didn't know whether a child's problems were exacerbated by problems in the home or not, and if you did know that your missing to pick up on something could result in a child coming to harm?

By the sounds of it, they suspect that part of your ds' troubles may be to do with aggression or stress in the home. As far as I can see, the only way of showing them they are wrong is to present yourself as people who are the opposite of aggressive or stressy. Which is going to be hard, but the harder you work at it, the quicker it should be over.

I hated this, but it was worth doing- and I do understand the thinking behind it.

colditz Sat 16-Jul-11 17:34:07

When she turns up, welcome her in with open arms. Insist she stays for a good long time. Chatter to her about the inanities of every day life. Show your optimal parenting. Smile and nod at everything she says, regardless of how idiotic. Implement her suggestions before her very eyes - if it works, great, if not, she'll see that it doesn't.

Unfortunately, Social workers are really only required to know about the law. They are not required to have any understanding of children or child development, even NT ones. There are some ace ones, and these people would have been ace with or without a social work qualification. The qualification doesnot give dickheadedness, nor does it remove it.

mumoftwolittlerugrats Sat 16-Jul-11 17:46:58

Thank you so much.

We have a 50 inch tv screen hooked up to the computer in the front room.
I could make some kind of presentation on my child.
To give her a real idea of how he is, because she hasn't really looked into him as a person, only trying to grab at what we may be doing wrong.

I'm familar with excel from college presentations and could have it all ready with a nice cup of tea for her, hahah this could work :-)

mumoftwolittlerugrats Sat 16-Jul-11 17:54:08

just saw the next two posts.

Thanks, I'm really trying to be relaxed and good with her, I don't know why it just comes out wrong.

I want to put something together explaining my son's problems.
And try my damn hardest to take down this wall between me and her, she makes me nervous as hell, barely looks at me when she speaks and hides what she's writing.

But I know they can't be beat so I have to suck it up and try and get on her side somehow.

cory Sat 16-Jul-11 18:02:20

Sounds like you're getting the right idea!

And don't forget to make her sit in the comfy chair grin

It is shit, but if it all helps in the end...

Lougle Sat 16-Jul-11 18:11:27

Also, take a deep breath and think logically:

-They don't want a 4 year old on their books. 4 year olds and older are hard to place, even NT ones.

- They really don't want a SN 4 year old to place - very few people are joining that queue.

So, logically, she just wants to assess the situation, find that all is well, and move on.

coff33pot Sat 16-Jul-11 18:28:22

I wish you luck. I personally hate them due to past experiences that ended up all totally unfounded with the book thrown back at them. But although the end result turned out fine and they had egg on their faces I made a rod for my own back by telling them where to go. That made them more determined, all the more bloody nosey and curious. And so it took 10 times longer and a lot of sleepless nights.

There I good ones but I have to say I have never met one. Keep smiling and passing the tea and have a private rant when she leaves out of earshot of your DS lol grin Then pass the tea again on the next visit. Dont make the same mistake I did. I understand how awfully upsetting this all would be but trust me they will go away a whole lot quicker if you put up with it and go with the flow x

TheHumanCatapult Sat 16-Jul-11 19:46:23

nod in right places and people are right if you say go away they could well up it to a at risk level.

and get yourself advocate to come to an caf meetings .after some problems with disabled childrens team I got advocate involved result is apology for their behaviour .Mind at next meeting i am going to watch there faces as they moaned for me chaing dx and turns out ds has just been dx with a rare and progressive problem that if not found would beeen so much worse

elliejjtiny Sat 16-Jul-11 19:47:54

(((hugs))). IME social workers know very little about SN. DS2's SW told me he'd be fine if I didn't cuddle him too much and told my 3 year old off for wearing nappies. She made me feel stupid. Sometimes I think they are deliberately awkward so that parents say this isn't worth the hassle and ditch them so there ends up being less children to divide the money up between.

Just as a warning though. I ditched DS2's SW and she agreed to close the file but before she did she sent a nasty letter all about my incapabilities and copied it to all his professionals. I also have to put on certain forms that we used to have a SW and who it was although she has never contacted us again thank goodness.

cory Sat 16-Jul-11 23:58:24

Otoh if you can get a SW on your side it is a great help if other institutions start kicking up a fuss. When the Education Welfare officer and dd's headteacher got difficult, there was nothing more comforting than the sight of two SWs at the end of the table glaring at them.

mumoftwolittlerugrats Sun 17-Jul-11 00:01:31

wow, social workers on side, must be like the mafia having your back.

I'm gonna try and treat her like a friend, and make a slide show all about my son for her.

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 02:11:10

i asked social services for a carers assesment , they said dd wasnt disabled , i said how come she gets dla , has a blue badge , taxi to school and spends 7 hours a week with one speacial needs teacher and 2 kidss ???,what bloddy counts as disabled . I have asd myself I have a carer with her help i have kept well for 7 years , cos i lost it the lovely lady from the initial response team told me i was getting a parent assesment instead , a fu@@@@ing insult after every thing i have tried to do for dd , and pareniting her bloddy well despite my disability. im so stessed i went down a and e tonight (dd on rare trip to rubish father) and got some diazepam just to stop myself throwing myself in road with dispare , i feel if thats the only way is for dd to go into care or this s@@@t will keep happening . im lucky that adult services are very understanding of situation and even stick up for me.

mumoftwolittlerugrats Sun 17-Jul-11 13:01:59

hannahsmummy you shound like you've done brilliantly, please don't let them get you down.
I know myself social services enjoy a good witch hunt and wanna be the hero and catch all the bad guys, they seem to have no empathy for parents struggling, don't even have the means to help so god knows why theyexist.

Fact is though, your child will suffer from going into care, so it's your job to stop that happening, unless absolutely necessary

mumoftwolittlerugrats Sun 17-Jul-11 13:11:15

hope you're okay,and stay strong and get through their involvement and stay with your child.

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 13:16:33

hi rug rat mum all we asked for was support for our sn kids , the money they are wasting on visits and assesments could instead pay for a care package to greatly benifit our children , what a waste of govenment time and money. i see children on my council estate evey day obviously neglected , do social services bother them do theY b@@@ks

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 13:18:53

ps what is TAC

mumoftwolittlerugrats Sun 17-Jul-11 22:26:26

TAC is team around the child, they're saying it's the new CAF.

I completely agree, their system is totally ** up.
Apparently it's all to do with pots of money.
All comes from different pots.
So it seems easier for them to let a parent struggle and end up having a nervous breakdown, and take kids into care, than it is for them to just pay out to support parents with respite.
I've seen it all my life with my mum being mentally ill.
They were incapable of giving a 16 year old child respite by just paying for afterschool club, when looking after two very young siblings (and while taking gcse exams). Their attitude was do it all alone if you fail we'll just take them into care.

The funding to put kids into care is always there no matter what.
The funding to give a parent or standing in carer, at their wits end a day of rest by paying for nursery hours,
is next to impossible for them.

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 22:32:03

dd young carer lady is filling in C A F on friday will it help ???. hugs my mum is always in psyciatric hosp so know how you feel

mumoftwolittlerugrats Sun 17-Jul-11 22:41:02

Oh they still do CAF then? That just means they'll have meetings and invite and share the information with all the support team involved.

Yeah my mum is not right at the moment. My youngest sister is living with neighbours. (I'm in a different region)
Social services refuse to give any support to those neighbours, they don't get a penny.
Whereas if they hadn't taken her in social services would be paying a LOT for fostercare for her. So you'd think they might sort out basic money to feed her for them. Mother is too off her trolly to even consider financial arrangements and will say no anyway.
So again, the neighbours are good enough to take care of her with no support at all.

hannahsmummsy Sun 17-Jul-11 22:48:43

i love my mum but she was never well , we have to look at the fact we must be doing something right , we are looking after sn kids in the most toughest of circumstances with the agency that are meant to support us scurutinizing us . guess what were still here caring for them , we must have somthing . nt kids are hard at the best of times . sn kids have more obstacles . well done to us xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

mumoftwolittlerugrats Mon 18-Jul-11 08:07:02

Thank you smile xxxxxxxxxx
That's right, we do damn well =)

mariamagdalena Tue 19-Jul-11 00:18:04

Never hurts to get some emotional support off GP and / or health visitor at times when you're stressed because of new agencies querying parenting skills.

It helps hugely to see someone who knows you, values your family life and does have faith in your judgement. Bonus side effect might be that the normal helping professionals could be willing to write down that you are a sensible and resourceful mum who seeks help in times of trouble grin

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