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Anybody else feel so bad for the siblings sometimes, having to put up with all the crap?

(14 Posts)
emkana Wed 13-Jul-11 23:37:08

ds is unbearably awful every day after school, screaming, crying, tantrumming...it's hard for me but I feel so gutted for the dd's sometimes, thinking what their lives could be like...

Lougle Wed 13-Jul-11 23:39:23

emkana...I know that feeling.

nadia77 Wed 13-Jul-11 23:49:40

hmmmm but i think they just learn to adopt same here ds is younger and dd has to put up with all the crap but when he is well behaved or does something new she is the proudest big sister in the world

Tricia7212 Thu 14-Jul-11 08:04:36

Yes it is hard on them. My eldest used to include ds in his group of friends as ds had problems making friends and they all treated ds as they would anyone else which was fantastic. They do grow up to be more aware of people with disabilities and more tolerant of all people. I used to take time out and spend with others when they were younger, because ds was taking up most of my time. Now they are older they are wonderful caring people, who go to the aid of anyone. And I have been told how well mannered and polite they are. As long as they know you love them and are proud of them then you should have no problems with them.

fusia Fri 15-Jul-11 00:01:33

I have a 7yr old with ASD and his 4yr old sister gets the brunt of his moods-and mine i'm guilty to admit.sometimes feel so wound up by ds's tricky behaviours that i end up snapping at everyone.feel so guilty when i've calmed down later and constantly giving dd guilty hugs and appologies for being cross at her when its my ds thats driving me mad.
but theres also the great side that the siblings will grow up not giving a hoot about differences and being a caring,considerate individual.
their hardships will be rewarded and i think we need to recognise that its not easy and they're being fantastic siblings.

timetoask Fri 15-Jul-11 05:44:36

emanka, I feel the same. I wish my DS2 could have a brother to play with. It is hard on them, specially socially. DS2 si already a shy child, having a brother like DS1 doesn't help.

MommyUpNorth Fri 15-Jul-11 07:27:15

Yes. I'm trying to get them all out of the house this summer and do things with them all, but the reality is that we all go somewhere and I am glued to ds. The older kids seem to have loads of fun, but I would like to spend more time with each of them and it just isn't fair. sad I must say that they don't complain about it much, but every time they ask me to play something when we're out and I have to say no, I feel absolutely awful. sad Had to leave the 3 older kids at the playground while ds bolted to a bridge, and I just never really imagined life to be like this...

LaydeeC Fri 15-Jul-11 09:24:29

fusia
my dd is almost 12 and her brother almost 14. He is AS and she is well aware now that her life has been different from that of her peers. And she is quite resentful of it. When she was younger, we had some family therapy to come to terms with his diagnosis (and behaviour to some extent). One of the things that came out was that she felt we (as parents) had let her down as 'we weren't meant to let bad things happen'.
It still hurts me to think of her thinking this.
It is very very difficult for siblings. My dtr also grieves for the life she 'should have' had. As she gets older she has become more accepting that her brother is different and needs support but she constantly mentions that we give him more attention and that we love him more and that we are always talking about him. Of course this isn't true but I guess it is her perception.
To our LEAs credit, they had to take into account her wellbeing when deciding on a placement for our son as under the ECM agenda, she was 'entitled' to a normal family life.
There is definitely not enough support for siblings of children with needs.
And I give out lots of guilty hugs as well!

blueShark Fri 15-Jul-11 19:33:36

I have 2 DS, DS1 (5,SLI, ASD traits) and DS2 (3,NT).

DS2 is the social butterfly, Mr famous at nursery and most children are pleased when I drop him off and waving bye when I pick him up. And in terms of language he is ahead for his age. Whereas DS1 at nearly 2 years behind and not really motivated to communicate in sentences always....DS2 has worked out that I jump to assist to the every Help I get requested from DS1 so has recently started communicated either in single words or just says Help which is driving me mad sad

DS2 also goes crazy when DS1 refuses to pay attention to what he is saying (sometimes because he is too occupied with his own play and sometimes because the language is too complicated for him) so even though I laugh when I hear DS2 saying "DS1 are you listening to me, I am talking to you"..."Hey, stop ignoring me I know you can hear me".."I am telling you for last time so you must listen" grin I can understand his frustration when he is trying so hard to engage with DS1 who is his idol.

Play dates also work more in favour of DS2, DS1 will engage briefly but then DS2 will charm and take over the friend and the show.

What I am mostly pleased about is that DS2 is still to young to acknowledge the difference in DS1 and they are best friends. But I mostly worry about paying too much attention to DS1 due to lots of exercise and ABA targets I work on with him daily so trying my best to include DS2 as well and spend every chance I have with DS2 when DS1 is in school.

ByTheSea Fri 15-Jul-11 21:41:23

Yes, sometimes I feel so sorry for DDs, who have been on the receiving end of some attacks as well.

supermum98 Sat 16-Jul-11 08:18:58

My ds had his younger brother and sister in tears this week with one of his angry outbursts, this isn't the first time and my ds is getting physically agressive with them both although mainly his NT brother. Both siblings are struggling more as they get older I think. Getting direct payments has helped as I have a super lady come in three times a week to work with ds on his reading and she listens to his frustrations too. During this time I can spend time with the other two. When the social worker came round to assess for this, she over heard my younger son say 'Why does ds always get all the attention'? Couldn't have been better timed. This comment helped me get DD.

alewVera Sat 16-Jul-11 17:15:38

Hi, yeah have that feeling pretty much every day.

clangermum Sat 16-Jul-11 17:25:34

SIBS UK is a charity that looks at the needs of siblings of children with special needs. I went on one of their courses and it really helped give me some ideas.

mumoftwolittlerugrats Sat 16-Jul-11 17:32:00

Yep,
DS1 aged 4, probably ASD screams, tanrums, several hours a day.
DS2 aged 1 1/2 gets the brunt.
They need watching, DS1 has actually hit DS2.

I'm now seperating them during the volatile tantrums, and putting DS1 on the stairs out of the way to protect DS2 which I feel a bit terrible about.

Only recently I've realised DS2 really needs 1:1 with me and DP.
He's grown so much and is really clever, but we just haven't noticed because all our time seems to go into our son who has special needs.

So now after DS1 goes to bed, it's DS2's time, face to face, no distractions, and it's actually a really nice time we have.

DS2 is so reactive and sociable and we haven't been appreciating him and giving him all the attention he deserves, until now.
I'm amazed at how much he can interact even though he's just a toddler, and we've missed out on that while being so distracted with DS1

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