Is this behaviour from a sibling to be expected

[baboos]

I have 3.5 year old twin sons, non ID. Currently one son is being assessed for ASD, process started a few months ago. Second son has always been spirited to say the least, but it has never crossed my mind that he needed to be assessed too, their pre-school think the same. Just recently though his behaviour has taken a downward spiral , he has taken to serious bouts of crying and tantrums when told no, hitting me, shouting at me, generally doing things that his brother does, without the added learning issues, that were red flags both to me and his pre-school. I'm now questioning whether he has some issues too.

My attention is heavily weighted towards the son that is being asessed, since I can't really take my eyes off him for any lenght of time, due to him putting himself in danger from his various antics. I do appreciate this and I try really hard to not let this happen all the time, nevertheless it does. I am now concerned that he is copying his brother to get my attention, his key worker at pre school has informed me that his behaviour has started to deteriorate with her too, and without any prompting from me, she suggested that he was copying his brother as a way to get attention.

I'm really struggling to keep my head above water, DH works away a lot, so I'm on my own a lot of the time.......I adore my boys, never believed we would have a child, let alone two, we had multiple cycles of IVF to achieve them, but feel like I'm failing them for not coping.

So my question is, is this behaviour normal for siblings of SN children, and does anyone have any experience or advise on how to tackle this.

[baboos]

zzzzz......Thank you, at the end of a very long hard day, I was getting into a habit of questioning my own judgement, and I know that sometimes I treat nt son as I would an older sibling, but then remember that they are the same age and perhaps I am expecting too much from him. In a way, I worry about him more than I do sn son, silly as that sounds. I just don't want him to grow up with too much pressure on his shoulders, and you are right of course in that, he doesn't yet understand why his twin gets the lion share of the attention from mum, and I must always be mindful of this at all times.

It was interesting to read that you have delayed one of your sons at school, my boys do not start until 2012, but their pre-school manager has already suggested I think about delaying starting sn son until the year after......have been adament I didn't want to do this, more from sn sons perspective, but listening to your views I will have to re think this.

[baboos]

zzzzzz........Thanks again, I'm pleased to hear that their relationship, and things in general have improved with age, gives me hope. We are still at the initial stages of assessments, so are still surrounded by so much uncertainty.

Unfortunately I have no 1 to 1 time with them, their pre-school is on site with the primary we are hoping to get them into (we are in catchment, in small village, so should be ok) it has an outstanding record, so is very popular, and is full to capacity, but I will speak with the manager to try and get one day seperate as you do, as this sounds very beneficial to you and your boys. I'm sure this will help us too, so thanks for that.

In our situation, my two will go straight from the pre-school to reception at primary, so not same building, just same site. I need to give this some more thought, we do however have plenty of time to see how things progress with him before I have to decide for sure what we will do.