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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on SN.


(9 Posts)
Triggles Wed 06-Jul-11 08:51:36

I'm at a loss as to how to get this to sink in with DH. He seems to run along the same lines as DS2 sometimes, I swear! hmm He expects things to be done a certain way, and trying to get him to "think outside the box" or approach things from a different angle or in a different order just frustrates him.

I can't even begin to count the times he and DS2 have a ridiculous power struggle over something that is essentially SO unimportant that I can't believe they're fussing back and forth over it. This morning it was brushing DS2's teeth AFTER he put his uniform on (which is how I normally do it). DH wanted to do it BEFORE he put his uniform on, so he didn't get toothpaste on the uniform. A good thought, honestly, but to DS2's mind it's backwards, as that's not how it's normally done. So DS2 is screaming, DH thinks DS2 is fighting about not wanting to brush his teeth at all, and I'm sitting here going hmm.

Is it just in our household, or is the father slightly more "out of touch" with the fine details of ASD issues and such. I think that partly because I'm the one doing the majority of care, doing the research, going to appointments, dealing with extra stuff (SALT, OT, and so forth), that I most likely have a better understanding of what he wants when he is kicking off than DH does. I also think partially that DH just hears the kicking off and fussing and just assumes it's this or that, without stopping to think about what led up to it or actually listening to what he is saying.

Sometimes DH can be quite good about it, but I also think that occasionally because DS2 can mimic or copy phrases and sentences and use them (sometimes appropriately and sometimes not) in conversation, that DH thinks DS2 understands more than he actually does. I am constantly reminding DH "he's FOUR" and "he doesn't understand what you're saying" or "you need to break it down into terms that he can follow and remember" or "don't run all the information off to him at once, he won't remember it - bit by bit please."

I know part of it is DH's depression (which he is on meds for), and that he is not so great at remembering the finer details. But as I am dealing with an incredible amount of stress myself, plus shouldering a bulk of the responsibility at home, I find it very frustrating to have to keep reminding him how to deal with DS2.

sigh... please tell me it's not just us....

zzzzz Wed 06-Jul-11 09:11:59

Firstly I think my dh and father and my friends dh's all do this to some extent. You seem to spend so much effort explaining and then have to do it again and again and sometimes spread yourself in between kids and dh, it is exhausting. But and it is a big BUT I think, sometimes, it helps. Dh is the randomizer in our house and yes it causes chaos and we are always late for school and stressed when he is there for the dressing bit, but sometimes just sometimes we have huge steps forwards. Lets face it, it IS a good idea to learn that you can clean your teeth in a different order sometimes.

Shake the box and most of the time you get crumbs but every so often out pops a toy.

It's not just you, its all of us, nt and sn, and it is good. But I too am SO tired of hissing "he can't understand what you are asking" through gritted teeth.

Triggles Wed 06-Jul-11 09:20:37

Oh, I completely understand that DS2 needs to learn to be flexible. But a power struggle over it and trying to push him into it is not going to work, he'll just meltdown and refuse. He's much more open to change if he's prepared for it ahead of time, and eased into it, rather than "alright here we go,we're doing THIS now."

Don't get me wrong - as I said, DH CAN be good with DS2, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't have to remind him. There are days when I feel like he is another child in the house, which sounds much more awful than I mean, of course. It's just his power struggles with DS2 often remind me of DS2 and DS3 both fighting over the same toy. grin

ah well....

At least DH is finally starting to be comfortable taking DS2 to school on his own. (that sounds much more simple than it is, trust me! lots of potential complications!) I've actually had 2 days this week where I didn't have to do the school run in the morning, which has been a wonderful break for me!!

zzzzz Wed 06-Jul-11 09:59:26

We are living parallel lives grin!

On a good day I convince myself that it is just because I am so brilliant.....most of the time I just wish he could just do things my way so we can get on with our lives instead of fighting over the detail. I mean does it really matter if ds gets in the car through the same door every time?

Becaroooo Wed 06-Jul-11 11:17:22

Sounds like my dh!!

Some days I just look at him and think "perhaps you should be being assessed for asd too!!"

Its hard. Dh is very blinkered, likes to do things a certain way, gets very anxious if routines arent followed...sound familiar???? grin

Insanitybecomesme Wed 06-Jul-11 12:01:48

Both myself and my DH agree he is asd too, there are some very interesting days in this house where I find him Harder work than our 3DC with SN's!!!!grin

signandsmile Wed 06-Jul-11 13:07:17

I sometimes think I have two kids! blush end up mediating between dh's and ds's rigidity. (argh!!!)

Dh has recently had his own assessment, and comes out with significant autistic traits, but no diagnosis as is just under the cut off point on two out of the 3 areas...

bdaonion Wed 06-Jul-11 13:25:31

You're not alone. DP just does not seem as atuned to DD's emotions and moods. She has SLI and I can sense when she is tired from a hard day at school (which usually manifests itself in power struggles at home) and adapt my manner accordingly, whereas he will go into battle over the slightest little thing, so we are all stressed out and tense! In his defence, he is from a small Caribbean island where the general consenus is that a couple of good "licks" will sort out any child's problems so he is on a learning curve of his own.

Triggles Wed 06-Jul-11 19:16:35

Thank you so much. It's just been the day from hell here, and I'm absolutely beside myself. DH says he thinks I'm depressed and need to speak to a GP. I personally think if he'd just get his act together and not drive me to distraction, shout, stomp around, and in general just be miserable all the time, I'd cope with everything else just fine. hmm

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