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How do you deal with this?

(15 Posts)
TheLadyEvenstar Sat 02-Jul-11 12:22:37

DS1 who has AS is currently in his bedroom screaming and shouting because I won't let him go to the park on his own. I don't mean with friends I mean completely alone.

He has 5 peoples phone numbers BUT whenever he calls they never answer the phone to him.

He is shouting and tantruming and really going into rage.

He asked me earlier if i would let him go swimming which without hesitating I said NO as he cannot swim.

How do I make him understand that living where we do it is not safe for ANY child to be out on the streets alone.

metimenow Sat 02-Jul-11 17:27:30

Depends how old he is. When my son started asking about going out on his own I let him go to the corner shop for me. I told him he was being trusted and had to go straight there and back. I ran over the rules for staying safe and he took his mobile phone so I could ring him or he could ring me. Then I watched him from the bedroom window to see if he was sensible. This worked well because he was happy that he was allowed out on his own and he stopped pestering about it. I forgot to say he has Autism, ADHD and Dyspraxia.

Marne Sat 02-Jul-11 17:36:46

Could you compromise? maybe let him go but you follow 5 minutes behind (so you can keep an eye on him and maybe sit on a park bench with him in view). Dd1 has AS, last week we were on holiday and i let her go to the park (which was just behind our caravan) with her littles sister who has ASD, she was so pleased that i let her go, she was only gone for 5 minutes and then i joined them but that was enough freedom for her.

TheLadyEvenstar Sat 02-Jul-11 23:36:52

Sorry should have said he is 12 - 13 in 27days.

He already goes to the local shop and local supermarket.

Its the point of being alone in the park etc not without an adult but without anyone at all to talk to etc.

He has just gone to bed and is still moaning about the fact I wouldn't let him go alone.

Starchart Sun 03-Jul-11 08:40:11

Could you try and make a point of always saying 'YES' to those requests, followed by a caveat?

Like 'Yes, okay when you're a bit older', or 'yes, but I'll be down in 5 minutes' or something?

pigletmania Sun 03-Jul-11 14:21:14

He is at that age where he will want independence like any other teen does. Why don't you follow a few mins behind, and hide somewhere in the park so that you can see him but he can't see you. Do that a few times, and if he is sensible let him go on his own.

unpa1dcar3r Sun 03-Jul-11 18:38:09

It's so hard isn't it. My younger son (12.5) asks sometimes to go to the park or to the shops but I can't let him out of my sight so not possible. Elder boy (14) doesn't ask and it's much easier.
Maybe you could follow behind, hide behind lampposts!

Jaspants Sun 03-Jul-11 19:59:16

I feel your pain - DS (ASD) is a month or so younger, and all his mates are allowed lots of freedom.

He isn't.

He's vulnerable as his decision making processes are flawed, his organisational skills are poor, his perception of danger is skewed and he is obsessed with fire - so much so that he has to be watched when awake at home.

Bit by bit his more sensible friends are kind of taking over some of the keeping watch, so depending on the friend then he may be allowed out, but certainly not on his own.

TheLadyEvenstar Mon 04-Jul-11 22:02:24

Great advice.

Jas you have just described DS1 except he is obsessed with knives sad so really has to be watched all the time as well

Jaspants Tue 05-Jul-11 09:31:30

TLES it is really difficult isn't it? DS wants to be "normal" (his words), and the older and more independent his friends get, the more he wants to copy, but still needs the same level of supervision as a 6/7 yo.

It then becomes a vicious circle of him not allowed to do stuff, so his friends bother with him less and less, so he gets frustrated, agressive and depressed, which affects his behaviour.

No answers but much sympathy.

zzzzz Tue 05-Jul-11 09:51:08

Not at your stage yet but I feel for both of you. What a difficult world it is for the vulnerable and those that love them.

Could you approach it like a project together [not when he's screaming but after when things are calmer]. Could you get him to tell you what he wants [ie in this case he wants to go to the park by himself]. Could you then work out what he needs to do to get that freedom. Easy achievable little steps. For instance you might start by saying he can go if he can go for 5 days without any knife love, can go outside your house for 20 mins and reliably come in, can phone you every x minutes....I don't know you will be able to work out what safeguards you would feel happy with, personally for me this would be a golden opportunity to piggy back a few other requirements on to the process.....Like cleaning teeth every night and tasting new food etc...but mine is still little so perhaps this won't work.

I think privileges should be earned and certainly even my nt kids have to prove they are trustworthy before their boundaries are moved out.

TheLadyEvenstar Tue 05-Jul-11 11:02:50

I am just tired of the battles atm so any advice is being grabbed tbh.

I have spent 2 hours on the phone to the school as for 2 weeks he has gone into school late on Tuesday to avoid French. I had to alert the school to this as they had not noticed the pattern. Next Tuesday I have to be at the school at 8.15 for a pretend meeting to make sure he is in school on time.

I also have a meeting being arranged with the head of behaviour, the head of learning, the head of senco and the head of year..............so not too much intimidation there then ffs.

zzzzz Tue 05-Jul-11 14:11:28

Head Mother you can take them, don't be intimidated, most of them have less understanding of the situation than you do and those that do get it will help.

Perhaps he has to attend French to get to the park as well.......Lord though I HATED French lessons too.

The year is nearly finnished, think of the mornings without school uniform, or rushing or ......heads! grin

uninspired Tue 05-Jul-11 20:54:18

(just had a quick name change)

TLES - don't be intimidated - they should want to help and support you in helping and supporting your son.

I had similar with DS - he always got "ill" on Wednesdays when he had science cos he was worrying about a lot of the flashes / noises that happen during the practical lessons, I spoke to SENCO and it was quickly resolved.

I do know that in our school MFL can be dropped in favour of additional literacy / numeracy for SEN kids - have you worked out what it is about French that he doesn't like?

TheLadyEvenstar Tue 05-Jul-11 21:51:54

I am only aware that his school is atm part of a pilot scheme for the new exam which will be country wide within 2yrs, where all children wanting to further their education by attending College/University will need to have the new exam "EBAC". Which means they have to take English, Maths, Sciene French and either History or Geography.

So for him to fulfill his dream of becoming a journalist he will need to study French as much as he doesn't want to.

I have tried talking to him about what it is he doesn't like but he just shrugs his shoulders.

I am not actually too worried about the meeting as I have been fighting his corner for years only difference is this time I am armed with the knowledge of the fact he has AS whereas before it was just a Mum defending her "Naughty" child.

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