this may be a very stupid question but

[cheeryface]

what do you do when a 12 year old who is clearly struggling academically and socially at school refuses the help offered ?

ds2 doesnt have a diagnosis of anything but is currently being assessed at camhs because he has been very unhappy , massive meltdowns , threatening suicide etc and gone completely downhill since starting high school.

he has a huge hang up about having any kind of special needs and says he wants to be the same as everyone else.

going to camhs makes him worse as he seems to think that that means hes 'mental' and then acts all the more bizarre.

school offered him a TA to help and a time out card to get out of lessons etc but he will not accept it.

he says he just wants to not go to school etc and i talk to him and talk to him but it makes no difference.

[IndigoBell]

Is Home Educating an option?

[siblingrivalry]

I second Indigobell- my dd is 10, with AS, and she is okay academically but struggles socially. She also refuses any of the help which she sees as marking her out as 'different'.
We will be home educating her at secondary level.

How was your ds in primary? Does he have a history of these kinds of problems?
For children with any kind of anxiety or social issues, secondary school can be incredibly difficult and stressful.

It's frustrating when they refuse support, but understandable in that they are so conscious of what their peers think and desperate to fit in.
DD can't cope with the questions her friends ask eg if she is allowed a time out in the sensory room. There is also resentment, because they perceive dd as receiving preferential treatment. She finds this really hard to handle, so often finds it is the lesser of two evils to just do without the help and suffer in silence, sadly.

[cheeryface]

ds2 was out of school at one point for 3 months and during that time i considered homeschooling him but he was totally unwilling to do anything but the xbox and his behaviour was extremely difficult , as it still is.
i also felt very isolated and couldnt cope with the 24 / 7 stress even though i really wanted to.

[IndigoBell]

OK, He doesn't need to know he has his own TA. She can act like she's the class TA and still keep a very close eye on him......

Instead of time-out cards can he do something more subtle? I've heard of schools doing things like using a ruler on your desk to mean I need time out, or putting a red pen in your pocket........

Can his timetable be slightly reduced without his friends noticing? ie when everyone has options, can he just go to the library to catch up on hw?

[CQrrrnee]

TA support can be low key. Do school have a nurture group? He could have a mentor to talk things through and a safe space to retreat to when things get too much. A large part of the battle is communicating his difficulties and needs clearly to individual staff I found. When my ds was in school the teachers hadn't been told very much about his difficulties and he was always in detention as a result.

[madwomanintheattic]

has he been assessed by an ed psych through school or otherwise? there are other options in some leas. what eotas provision does your lea have?

does he do any other out of school groups? he sounds as though he might benefit from a gp appointment to discuss either ad's or maybe something to help reduce his anxiety?

anything you can do to raise his self-esteem? what is he good at? football? rock climbing?

second the idea of discussing this with the head of the learning support department at school.

what does he want to do as an adult? he does need to continue to see camhs, it's not unusual for kids to be reluctant.

[madwomanintheattic]

play therapy was good for a slightly younger child in the same situation btw - but 12 might be pushing it unless it was x-box based.