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Opinions please, 6 year old ASD son and visits to dad, im really angry

(26 Posts)
brandy77 Mon 27-Jun-11 12:45:04

My son goes to his dads every sunday 9.30 to 4, his father is immature and doesnt listen to what i tell him about his son, he likes to spout off hes a teacher plenty though, even though hes made no attempt to support me in trying to home tutor our son myself for the last 6months. My ex for the quiet life will either play footie at the park next door to his house and/or sit on the xbox all day long and basically give into our sons every whim and fancy. Son is extremely lively.

Anyway, my son is 100% obbsessed with War, it controls every day talking, he repeats everything he hears back into his play. Son came back 4pm yesterday and quite honestly said he had spent his whole 6.5 hours on the xbox on call of duty as it was too hot to go to the park. He then started his re enactment, hard to explain really, but he remembers everything that is said on the game, he speaks in a different voice, makes the most astonishing gun sounds, acts the part and even started singing the jingle that plays when you are awarded new games for gaining a higher level. Its like hes actually in the game for real.

I have to give my son daily growth hormone injections, well last night he screamed and screamed said he wasnt having it, wanted his legs chopped off (turns out he saw men having their legs blown off) so he wouldnt have to have them. So i couldnt do the injection. I had him up till 1am re enacting the war scenes, drove me mad, he will not sleep when hes like this.

I am so b****y angry with my ex, I text him this morning to say we had been up till 1am and that I have the EP visiting today and we are all exhausted. Told him that he had said he got rid of the game 2months ago, and he obviously hadnt, said that our son couldnt have his injection because of associating it with legs falling off etc. and that he had to get rid of the game. He replied "OK", that was it, no blinking apology, nothing sad

My mum has told me to not let him go till his dad is going to grow up and accept that what goes on at his house for those 6.5 hours affects life full time in my household. Im sooooo angry with him and ive got to sit next to the man at a school meeting tomorow and will feel like slapping him!

sorry for rant

nickminiink Mon 27-Jun-11 12:55:53

Hi, this must be very hard for you, I am immature dad keeps me young, however I wouldn't let my son play an 18 rated game at the age of 6 years old, especially if he is obbessed with war. Its a shame your ex can not see what this is doing to his son, let alone being irresponsible to let him play this game. Think your mum has got a point, hope you can get it resolved ammicably so it doesn't affect your son any further.
Good luck

AlfalfaMum Mon 27-Jun-11 13:00:29

Oh my god, I'm furious just reading that.
I don't know what to advise, you need to discuss this with your ex, but don't do it until you can be calm (although you are understandably raging). He needs see that his behaviour is having a really bad effect on your son, and he has to do a lot better if he wants the visits to continue.

brandy77 Mon 27-Jun-11 13:11:42

thanks for replies, nice to hear from a dad. Its soo difficult because obviously my son loves going there as he can do whatever he wants and on the plus side i get a few hours off as im a single parent and its tough being with him all day long. It just really annoys me that he wont listen and im presuming doesnt believe me when i say what the behaviour is like for me on my sons return.

Glad you think i have a right to be angry though, im so tired and its definitely not the right day for me to speak to his father, although I will be seeing him at this TAC meeting at our sons old school tomorow. Because hes so crap with feedback to me and has never really listenend about the medical problems either, I started using a contact book for the sunday visits so i dont have to talk to him as he frustrates me so much. Its quite clearly written on 10th april what ive basically said in my first post so he must think im speaking a load of rubbish im guessing and he probably thinks its hilarious that we were up till 1am, moan moan moan

drivemecrazy63 Mon 27-Jun-11 13:20:47

I totally agree with the others 100% brandy77 is your son asd ? im just wordering as this tends to be genetic/ run in families if your ex is also AS or has traits maybe he may well know what effect this can have on ds but finds it hard envisaging there would be a long term overall problem, not making excuses for him and I would be very angry if I were you but im wondering if there is a better way more relaxed way of suggesting something else with your ds he might be able to ask daddy he can do like a soft play centre or taekwondo he could take him to to burn off energy and dad would be interested to watch and its indoors too, martialarts are supposed to be very good for dcs with SN as they teach them when and where it can be used control and disipline im thinking about it for my ds atm anyways just an idea

brandy77 Mon 27-Jun-11 13:45:45

hi drivemecrazy, yes son is ASD. my ex has been advised by the EP months ago to go to the local swimming pool close to him, take pics of it to show our son, drive past it, take him to visit to get him used to it and then try swimming but he hasnt done a thing. He gets given advice by myself and the professionals and just takes the easy route so he doesnt have to deal with the anxious behaviour with change etc, thats probably why on the SA form under behaviour at home, he wrote fine, even though our son has had major meltdowns there hmm. Hes a 39 year languages teacher and is very pompous and always has to be right, he doesnt communicate well because hes lazy and cant be bothered (his words), he isnt autistic. Many children with my sons medical problem have ASD or other developmental problems associated with the illness. At the moment i wish he would disappear off the face of the earth actually

brandy77 Mon 27-Jun-11 13:47:22

thankyou drivemecrazy smile

nickminiink Mon 27-Jun-11 13:51:48

Brandy77, my mum and dad split when I was 5 and my mum resented every minute we spent with our dad simply because they did not get on, sometimes I am sure my dad did things like feed us so many e numbers so we were hyper when he dropped us off making it difficult for bed time with my mum. It is so important that mum and dad get on for the sake of the children, I do no know your situation and I sure by reading your post it seems very one sided as your ex must take responsibility as well. I know how hard it is to look after a child with SN, so I take my hat to you as a single parent to do this alone must be really hard and of course you need a break and not worry when your son is with his dad. The worry is that he's letting your son of 6 years old play an 18 rated game, affecting him or not he should not be doing this, when there are so many other games and ways of entertaining a 6 year old. You definetly have the right to be angry..... good luck.

drivemecrazy63 Mon 27-Jun-11 13:54:12

your welcome sorry I did see you mention he was a teacher earlier blush then he really has no excuse you would think a teacher of all people would know better wouldnt you and that he would want to encourage him in more physical activities id be seething to if I were you

brandy77 Mon 27-Jun-11 14:00:47

thank drivemcrazy, thats definitely what makes it worse, the fact that he is a teacher. He was meant to be supporting me with homeschooling till son got his statement, which he now has 6 months later. He told the EP that he did some teaching with our son through play, that is defined as giving him a leapstar machine game in the car for the half hour drive to his house and son playing games on it hmm. Son innocently told me about the great games he plays on the way to dads house, as far as the ex is concerned he has a "fun" day, no rules, lets son do all the controlling to lessen meltdowns, doesnt attempt anything new with him because the preparation is too hardwork....he is just bone idle lazy, aghhhhhhh, and as our son is so obsessive about the xbox it makes for a nice lazy day for dad

brandy77 Mon 27-Jun-11 14:04:39

thanks nicminiink, i try to keep my negative thoughts about his father to myself or offload to my mother. Perhaps he is doing it to aggravate thinking about it, but it doesnt help his son getting so stressed about legs falling off that he wouldnt let me do his injection (leg) last night, the injections are so important or he wont grow. I can just hear him at school laughing about it too his work colleagues and probably thinking its hilarious. The knock on effect will continue tonight because my poor son has already said hes not having the injection tonight

mariamagdalena Mon 27-Jun-11 14:29:44

Though I'm in no way saying you shouldn't be angry, I have it on good authority that it's much better in the long run when the EP sees the child on a 'bad day' grin

brandy77 Mon 27-Jun-11 15:55:55

lol maria grin shes seen him on bad days for both assessments. my son went to grannies while me and the EP went through the proposed statement and made changes to it. Im very lucky i have such a lovely EP, lovely little welsh lady smile gota type up the changes now, shes going to bring up the war games in the TAC meeting tomorow and her concerns about him going on them

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 27-Jun-11 18:52:25

Brandy,

Such selfish and entitled men never grow up unfortunately. Its you and your son who are now paying here. I would now be having a chat with a Solicitor regarding future access.

Is access with his deadbeat dad (sorry but that is what he really is here) at all formalised legally?. TBH if it is not I would start having such access placed under a legal footing (contact centre).

This man is failing his son here too and he does not give a toss; he probably is also doing this to get back at you for having the gall to leave him. He cares only for his own self.

brandy77 Mon 27-Jun-11 20:27:12

hi attila, my ex took me through court for the first 3 years of my sons life. It was a control/pompous attitude with him and his own father. We split when i was pregnant. He was seeing his newborn 3x a week and still dragged me through court for contact?!?! I was essentially caring for a sick baby who was later diagnosed aged 19months with a rare medical condition but the ASD not diagnosed till this year. It was a hell of a time, looking after a small baby alone that required more than the usual 24hour care. When my ex was given a court order for once a fortnight 4 hours (i think) unsupervised contact, he then tried to back track in court which did not impress the judge as my ex knew full well that his son wouldnt leave the house with him. I knew it was because he had ASD. It was only because of my careful planning and being supportive to the ex that our son finally managed tiny portions of time outside the house without me in tow, I then worked hard on this to build it up too a full day. I did so bloody much for that man. My son loves going there because he can do whatever he wants.

The EP was not impressed when I told her today about the war game and said it has got to stop, when she brings it up at the TAC meeting tomorow my ex will know full well it is directed at him and should take note as its coming from a professional and not me BUT being the pompous twat teacher he is he could very well ignore even the EP saying it. Im sure he will get in the comment "im a teacher........" though, he always does hmm

runningonmt Tue 28-Jun-11 16:36:24

I am in a somewhat similar position to you. My ex would certainly wind my son up before bringinig him back after a contact visit. Stupidly I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking it was ignorance rather than spite. 6 years down the line my son (by his own choice) has little contact with his Dad. In Dads eyes this is all my fault of course.

If you have tried reasonably to discuss and educate him and he is unwilling to listen you have very little choice really. Your job is not to tip-toe around your ex - but it is to look after the best interests of your DS.

I think my ex thinks he is punishing me somehow with his stupidness - he has no consideration for the damage he is doing to his DS.

I wish my ex would drop off the face of the planet too as at the moment my DS has little benefit by having contact with his dad. But my DS (aged 11) does want to have some contact with his dad understandably but I cannot sit back and watch him inflict more distress on my son - he has enough problems already with his ADHD.

I wouldnt mind if i wasnt getting anykind of emotional support from my ex, but no support plus added grief is not working for me or my DS - let me know how you get on - you are in my thoughts.

PS I am not Dad-bashing here - there are many heros out there who go a fantasic job with their kids (SN or not) - I just wish I had married one instead of the ignorant oaf I managed to reproduce with !!!!! x

brandy77 Tue 28-Jun-11 20:08:26

hi runningonmt, thanks for your message, i bet there are loads of single parents of SEN kids that have problems like us! At least your son has made the decision himself so in your mind you know it wasnt you, doesnt matter what your ex thinks eh. Yep, no emotional support from mine either, i used to phone him up with lengthy hospital updates/school updates but he would forget as soon as i got off the phone and never reply to text/emails so i gave up, hence the contact book for communicating now.

Im hoping the EP at the meeting today made it quite clear that my son should not be playing war games all day long. There was a behaviour specialist guy in the meeting and when the EP bought up about the problems I had after dads visit the guy really went in depth about the problems with ASD confusing reality with fantasy. He said my son shows obsessive behaviour with war, like a lot of ASD boys, but he said the problem is when reality goes out of the window and the fantasy overtakes. He said he would be deeply concerned if my son was still allowed to access these games. My ex was sat there and heard all of this, although the parent support worker told me he looked like he was nodding off and wasnt listening. I couldnt even make eye contact with him too be honest. The EP then handed him some literature on gaming addiction and how it affects the young mind smile

runningonmt Tue 28-Jun-11 20:27:42

My ex was sat there and heard all of this, although the parent support worker told me he looked like he was nodding off and wasnt listening. That really takes the biscuit doesnt it!!

brandy mine took ME to court too for contact (even though he had it at the time but I insisted it was supervised for my sons safety). The morning of the court hearing he was on the phone to me demanding I called the court case off - I could not get through to him that HE WAS TAKING ME TO COURT therefore I could not call anything off. !!!!! He was originally asking for everyother weekend overnight contact but backed off rapidly when it was pointed out to him that if he got an order stating that, and he didnt turn up to collect him (which he often did), I could theoretically have him thrown in jail for breaking the court order - The look on his face was priceless - I nearly pee'd my knickers outside the court for laughing so much.

He is still to this day just as deluded and annoying !

On a more serious note my DS is on the autistic spectrum (somewhere) too although his ADHD is his primary. (No dx for autism at the moment). He gravitates towards anything which is inappropriate (adult language, 18+ games, alcohol etc....) It is becoming a full time job trying to keep him away from age inappropriate games as anything like that seems to have a knock on effect on his behaviour (more aggressive, hyper etc....). He is also ODD (Opositional Defient Disorder) so it is very difficult to reason with him.

If your ex insists on behaving like a child - tell him if he cannot be trusted to act in his childs best interest, when dropping DS off you will come into his house and confiscate any inappropriate material and give it back at the end of the visit - tell him he is a big boy now and he needs to start acting more responsibly.

brandy77 Tue 28-Jun-11 20:38:36

brilliant advice running about going in his house and confiscating inappropriate materials! he wouldnt be happy about that grin

sounds like your ex dragged you through court for the same reason as mine then, control freak and just to be an arse. Oh gosh it doesnt get easier as they get older then with your son! Im not looking forward to the teenage years with my son at all, sunday night when he was up till 1am re enacting the war scenes it freaked me out! it was way too realistic. I didnt tell the EP that he had earlier (when he returned from dads) asked me if i had a real gun to shoot the neighbour and his girlfriend and their dog in the head as the man had told our dog to be quiet! Think if id told them that they would have sectioned him

On a positive note, he did let me give him his growth injection tonight smile

Off to have a celebratory brandy and a sneaky ciggy after being told he got a place in the special school today smile

unpa1dcar3r Tue 28-Jun-11 20:52:57

Hi Brandy
what a d*ck H*ad your ex is and being a teacher makes no odds with me; most of my teachers were also d*ck H*ads!
I'd have supervised contact only or failing that insist he comes to your house (you can always go out or go upstairs) Not ideal for you of colurse but it might make him realise you're serious and i'm sure the people helping your son would agree and encourage this maybe in writing to him- makes it more official. Failing that get his SW to write to him insisting that there are rules to be followed or it could end with him having your son at yours or in a contact centre.
He sounds like a bit of a bully to me too.

brandy77 Tue 28-Jun-11 21:34:58

thanks unpaidcar3r, i really dont want to go the supervised at my house route again, it was awful last time, i hated having him in my house, it was very stressful for all concerned. Ive decided to email him and tell him that our son wont be going to his house this weekend and that he can use this time to get rid of the games and reflect on his immature attitude to the gaming and to think about what was discussed at the meeting about it today. Hes then got 4 sundays with his son and for august with my hols and his hols it gives a 4 week break anyway. IF he f***s up again then I think the EP will be willing to have stern words with him. Ive been very lucky that the EP is extremely understanding and has gone beyond her duties to support me.

He does have his good points, like he will turn up dot on time to collect his son as he knows that time keeping is vital to not stressing his son out. I reckon the gaming was done as a windup, pretty sick really if he thinks its funny that I have the poor boy up totally hyper till 1am pretending hes a soldier. I wont type what ive been calling him, it would turn the air blue grin I honestly thought an apology was in order but obviously not

runningonmt Tue 28-Jun-11 22:18:54

unpa1d is spot on (as usual) - Make him realise you are serious.

He has no right to be controling you - you are in charge as you are the parent with care - he plays by your rules or not at all. He wont like it, and he will continue to try to battle with you but if you stick to your guns (no pun intended) he will learn that you are not taking any more of his rubbish and will in time step into line with you and your parenting techniques (all being well).

We are all behind you - make no appologies to anyone for putting your son first - he will thank you for it in time. Your DS is lucky to have you <hugs>.

Really good news on the school front ..... see what you can achieve when you put your mind to it - I think you are a force to be reckoned with - just let exH know it !!!

unpa1dcar3r Wed 29-Jun-11 08:09:36

Just as an aside Brandy both my daughters (now grown up and one with her own little one) had hopeless fathers. Well I say 'father' but always referred to them as the sperm donors!
My girls are not disabled but went through terrible times, esp eldest who's sperm donor went out of his way to make my life a living hell and also neglected her terribly even though she desperately wanted him to love her. Of course I got the backlash; everything was always my fault according to her (not to mention him and his mother) and while I was struggling to put food on the table he was chucking money at her like no tomorrow- his answer to everything unfortunately.
Well all I can say is now he's a raging alkie, his wife (who was incidentally my best friend- I'll leave it there) hates him and wants a divorce, his 2 new kids hate him, my daughter has nowt to do with him and thinks he's a tosser! (which he clearly is)
She now realises how hard I worked and what I sacrificed for her, even just so she could eat (I was 7.5 ringing wet and at 5'6" incredibly underweight)
and we have a fantastic relationship.
Younger girl has a beautiful baby which her sperm donor will never see, his loss.
So what I'm saying (or trying to say clumsily) is that it will work out in the end, you just stick to your guns my love. And like Running says we are all behind you.

brandy77 Wed 29-Jun-11 10:32:45

thankyou running and unpa1d smile Ive emailed him this morning telling him that his son wont be going this sunday because of his irresponsible behaviour last sunday, and that im still dealing with the aftermath now with the behaviour. Told him it will give him time to think about his attitude towards parenting our son and to get rid of the games and perhaps do what the EP suggested months about him taking photos of the swimming pool etc to show his son to get him used to the idea of going swimming with him. He wont do it though, hes too damn lazy. unpa1d, yes youre right about them getting older and making their own decisions, glad your daughters had you smile you were only 7.5 stone! at 5ft 6, that is skinny! hope youve put on wome weight now xx

runningonmt Wed 29-Jun-11 11:49:15

Morning ladies.

Well done Brandy - a very positive step. The ball is now very much in his court now, and what he decides to do with it is upto him (not you so you have nothing to feel bad about if he decides to shove the ball where the sun dont shine if you get my meaning).

Unpaid - you and me have far to much in common (except the weight bit hahaha!) . I have actually called mine a sperm doner to his face and he really didnt like it !!! Shame. I am really sorry to read about the best friend - looks like they both got what they deserved in the end. I am a great believer in Karma - what goes around comes around and all that.

Today is a good day for me - today I feel strong and empowered. I dont feel like that every day but today I am celebrating the fact that today I do - and that there are plenty of us out there that have the guts to stand up for what we believe in.

I hope today is a good day for you all too x

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