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WWYD? ASD friendships

(5 Posts)
merlotmoments Fri 24-Jun-11 13:48:54

ds has a dx of ASD. his best and only friend has no dx but has strong traits and a strong family history of ASD.

Ds occasionally spends time at their house but finds it challenging. There are lots of kids and it's chaotic. he's an only and isn't used to mixing with older children.

I was encouraging the visits and friendship but I've heard (from a very reliable source) that an older sibling with ASD is very violent, that the parents don't feel that they are in control and that one of the younger siblings has been hurt recently. My source feels strongly that I shouldn't let my ds go to his friends house.

I don't want to judge this family and I don't want to spoil ds's one and only fragile frenship but DH feels that given what we've heard we have to stop ds's visits. WWYD?

Marne Fri 24-Jun-11 14:08:35

Its a tough one, if your ds enjoys the visits then i would continue to let him go, if he gets upset being around the other children then i would leave it (you could always have the other child over to your house so they can still see each other). There could be a risk of you ds getting hurt but you also get this risk at school (even more so if your child is around other children with ASD/ADHD). Maybe speak to the parents of the boy and see how things are, the person that told you might not have thier facts straight (it may not be as bad).

merlotmoments Fri 24-Jun-11 14:16:39

It really is tough... The other child comes to us regularly. (far more so than he goes to their house) No matter what I will not stop inviting him.

but I know my source is reliable and when I say hurt I'm not talking a a punch thrown in anger, it was a serious assault and from other things I have seen first hand I know the problems in that house are getting worse rather than better sad I like the parents which is what makes it really hard.

bochead Fri 24-Jun-11 14:41:39

Have an honest & open discussion with the parents - include in that discussion the question of whether they'd appreciate your support in accessing help for the violent asd older sibling. Add in that offer of help as so many judge and criticise very few offer ANY support when you have a really behaviorally challenging child despite and PC denials to the contrary. The mere fact you've offered will probably mean more than you'll ever know.

We ALL know how isolating life with a disabled child can be, how bloody hard it is to even find the right place/expert to go for help, much less actually recieving the help we need. With several children the parents may be too busy firefighting to have the time to google/research write the letters needed.

Not to sound cruel but consider it payng it forward as there may yet come a time a few years in the future when you'll be grateful for the contacts you may research for this family now. I'm a firm believer in gathering good karma ; )

If we as parents of sen kids don't show a bit of solidarity for one another then why on earth would we keep asking our PCT's, LEA's, SS etc to "bend over backwards to help us" ? (insert extreme sarcasm here!)

It may be that you agree with the parents not to send your kid there but instead to give them 2-3 hours a week for their child to visit you, enabling them to spend the time on the "difficult" sibling with much gratitude. Your own child will benefit as you know.

Either way I wouldn't make a choice without speaking to the parents directly, mostly because no matter how "reliable" your source this is how I as a parent of an sen kid prefer to be treated. Deal with me directly please, it's just good manners in my eyes.

merlotmoments Fri 24-Jun-11 14:46:10

You are right. I need to talk to the mum about it. I'm not sure what help or support I could offer but I like her and if the roles were reversed that is how I'd want her to treat me.

Thanks for the prespective.

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