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I don't beeeeeelive it (spitting chips!)

(26 Posts)
runningonmt Thu 23-Jun-11 20:14:50

Ok, bit of background .......

My wonderful DS has ADHD. I am a single mum (Dad left when DS was 4 - DS is now 11yrs).

D.A.D (Divorced and Deluded) does not believe DS has ADHD and has even told DS of his (expert) opinion and instead diagnosed him as a "spoilt brat". ExH was at initial dx consultation (Ds was 7yrs at the time) and told lovely dr that his son does not have ADHD - Dr asked what DS was like when he was with him and exH tells dr all about Ds's behaviour. Dr confirms to exH that what he is describing is classic ADHD symptoms.

DS has since had his dx confirmed by a further three specialists (1st one private, 2nd one NHS at Cahms1, 3rd one at cahms1 as cahms1 wasnt qualified to prescribe medication, 4th one at cahms2 when we moved area and had to change to different cahms) - nothing like a second opinion is there !?! grin

A year after initial dx decided (following much research and soul searching) I chose to use medication as my attempts at behaviour therapy (nothing professional available in my area) was having little effect and his behaviour was getting worse.

DS has very little contact with exH by mutual consent (Ds and exH's consent - personally I would LOVE some 'time off' but that is just how it is). They prob had contact for 10 hrs in last 12 months.

Last year DS picked up a leaflet in CAHMHS office about ADHD. Very useful and informative and in plain english so I took a copy and have photocopied it for new class teachers, club leaders etc .....

DS asked if I would send a copy to exH (in the hope his Dad could understand him a bit more). I sent it to exH with his latest school report.

ExH new partner sent it back to me in the post with "this is not needed, thanks" written accross the top. hmm

Last week channel4 reported on the dangerous overprescribing of ADHD drugs (see my previous rant post).

Daily-wail printed a similar report using the same examples of family who's DS had tragicly died (coronor:misadventure) but was using Ritalin for his ADHD (and prozac for his depression). I truly feel the parents pain but if you read the report it stated the coronor had ruled out suicide (channel4 stated that he had hanged himself as he had not realised the consequences of his actions) but stated the involvement of ritalin and prozac could not be excluded as a factor in his death.

This morning in the post I receive a photocopy of the daily mail report with all the nasty, ignorant, speculative bits highlighted with "Please read some very strong concerns I have regarding (name) in HER handwriting again.
Hilighted bits include:
"he was just a kid"
"he had some problems but they were overstated"
"H was playing up a bit by attention seeking"
"ADHD is just a disease made up by drug companies"
"Ritalin is as powerful as cocaine"
"11 deaths reported in uk whilst using ritalin" (in 20 years).
"He didnt have ADHD when he was with me"

Now the grown up in me wishes to calmly turn the other cheek and throw it in the bin with a 'Hmmmph'!

The not-so-grown up in me wishes to drive over to their house, and ram the report up their .... deleated by Mumsnet.

So come on all you calm, sensible, kind, clever and logical mumsnetters - WWYD ? (inhales deeply, exhales deeply, kicks cupboard door.......)

runningonmt Thu 23-Jun-11 20:20:54

Forgot to mention my beautiful stepsister hung herself when she was 12 yrs old - coronor:misadventure as she did not realise what she was doing would have devistating consequences.

ExH is very aware of this fact although it happened 5 years before I met him.

(S/sister did not have ADHD, was not taking ritalin and was not depressed).

Relevant ? Not really but I feel is particularly insensitive on his/her part.

Starchart Thu 23-Jun-11 20:24:30

Well get an article that rants about something entirely different and highlight all the bad words. Do it with a few until you have the ultimate one that you'd like to send HER.

Then stick it in the bin with hers. You are in control. You are an adult. You are doing what is best for your ds.

magicstick Thu 23-Jun-11 20:28:53

I would not even bother giving him any reaction. Some children need medication for their ADHD, for my son it would be dangerous not to medicate because he has no sense of danger.

Sparkletastic Thu 23-Jun-11 20:34:38

I want to say that ex and his DP should walk a mile in your shoes but since that would entail DS spending time with them when he doesn't want to it isn't such a great plan. Was ex get copied into the range of expert diognoses? If not maybe send them with no highlights and no notes then cease contact unless necessary or at DS' request.

runningonmt Thu 23-Jun-11 20:54:08

starchart - This was one of my options - maybe some statistics about how many people have died in paracetamol related incidents in last 20 years and tell her how I have strong concerns about her giving calpol to her DC? Not that it is any of MY business ofcourse !!!

magicstick My DS is medicated for similar reasons to you - maybe she remembers the time she took my DS into town (not a good idea), on a busy saturday (again - not good) and managed to loose him for 30 mins !!! Strangely enough they didnt tell me about it (But DS did of course grin) I started with the medication shortly afterwards.

Sparkletastic Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to ask them which 4 weeks of the summer holiday they will be having him. You wouldnt see them for dust. I have ceased contact with them for the last two years - it is them that contact me .... or rather should I say HER that contacts me - they are getting married later this year and sent DS a 'normal' invitation - on the basis that I assumed I was not invited I asked who would be taking him - they replied "drop him in the car park at 3 and pick him up at 11pm" - DS was understandibly not keen on the idea as he has had minimal contact with them and was understandibly worried about it ..... but it was obviously all my fault (again) !! And none of his family that I am still really good friends with have been invited - something to do with him not speaking to them since our divorce !?! I'll let you speculate on that one !

auntevil Thu 23-Jun-11 20:57:37

just playing devils advocate here - following on from Starcharts suggestion really. Couldn't you find equally damming reports that are currently doing the rounds re absent fathers and the effects and highlight the sensitive bits? Sparkletastic is more rational. Has ex all the relevant dx and has he even bothered to inform new partner that the dx process started when he was still attending appts?
I think it really depends on whether you want - or your DS - wants to continue any form of communication with ex

runningonmt Thu 23-Jun-11 21:28:03

auntevil loving the name btw. He attended one apt. Argued with the dr, then told DS he doesnt have ADHD after the dr proved he was an ignorant arse that infact the symptoms he was describing were indeed ADHD. Loving your idea of absent fathers reports - I could have a field day with my crayons on that one. I was hoping that he would want to understand his own son and the areas he struggles in but I think he just finds it easier to blame everything on me (still) and let me know periodically what a crap job I am doing on parenting our offspring.

What I want is for him to bugger off and leave us alone as his sperodic interference causes more damage than he can even imagine - but (without trying to sound too paranoid) I think he is more bothered about putting on a good show to others than having any real relationship with his DS.

DS is still wanting to have some kind of relationship with his dad which I feel I have to support (through hidden gritted teeth) but it is always me that is trying to clear up the fall out of my sons upset when yet again his father lets him down / upsets him / lies to him / belittles him etc.....

magicstick Thu 23-Jun-11 21:50:12

You know that you have made the right decisions about your ds. His father isnt there watching how Adhd affects him every day. He isnt picking up the pieces everytime he has a meltdown. I would just be civil with his father and leave ds to make up his own mind about him when he is older.

runningonmt Thu 23-Jun-11 22:26:03

I know sad ..... Frustrating that he seems to think he has rights without any of the bloody responsibilities. I just resent the interference,especially as it is not even aparently coming from his father - unless he is hiding behind her skirts.

Ho hum .... off to treat myself to a brew and may even treat myself to a biscuit or two.

Tomorrow is another day x

blueemerald Sat 25-Jun-11 00:59:01

I would send the daily fail article back with 'this is not needed, thanks' written across the top... seems only fair....

Or send (another, I'm sure,) copy of your son's assessments with crucial bits hightlighted with "Please read some very strong concerns I have regarding (name)' written on it...."

unpa1dcar3r Sat 25-Jun-11 09:35:02

Good morning Running, my love.
I would send it back with large letters written across the top saying "This is not needed, thanks"
Oh and also if I were you I would look up when exactly ADHD was first recognised (1845) by a french GP who recognised that his son (one of 4 kids) was behaving erratically, not like his other kids anyway)
And I would print this off (I just googled this info a couple of years back on a reputable site , not wike for goodness sake, that's crap) and I would also send this back saying "This, however, IS needed"
And I would also add that you wish to receive no further correspndence from them as if they do respond you will A) put it in the bin or B) take it to a solicitor who deals in SEN and knows a fraction more than they do regarding your son.
(Grrrrrr I love the divorced and deluded by the way, that tickled me pink!!!)
Think you were describing many exes with that comment (mine certainly)

runningonmt Sun 26-Jun-11 14:59:18

blueemerald and unpa1d - genuis brains at work in sync with the "this is not needed"
I have decided to send back the cutting with different coloured highlighter marking the bits that prove that the report is largely irrelivent (this bits they decided to ignore).

I will also enclose his leaflet from his Ritalin stating what the REAL side effects are and how they are monitered if they seem to affect DS (which they dont) with the important bits hilighted.

I am also enclosing a brief letter stating that actually it is none of her business how I choose to raise my son in his fathers absence and very little business of ExH as he chooses not to have any worthwhile contact with DS or be involved in any aspect of DS's life except when it suits him.

DS arrived back yesterday from brief (couple of hours) visit with D.A.D and girlfriend (second visit since xmas ...... crikey he really pushing the boat out!)
DAD has informed DS he cant come for overnight stays because he, DS, is on "tablets" ?!? DS is more than capable of taking his own tablets when he is reminded to do so. Also told him he cant come for another couple of hours visit until september becasue he is TOO busy ! ! ! Charming. Suits me fine - the less I have to do with them the better but now DS thinks it is HIS fault he cant see his DAD. Evil and manipulative in my opinion - and this person has rights over my son (or so he keeps telling me) - This really worries me !

Obviously their 'grave' concern regarding DS's medication leads me to believe that perhaps they would prefer DS was not medicated on the day of their wedding later this year !!!!! I think I will put that to them in my letter.

Bizarely dispite our bitter divorce DAD and I used to have a distant but working realtionship with each other where DS was concerned - Unfortunatey dx and meeting new girlfriend happened at pretty much the same time which is when things really nose dived at their end (girlfriend not a problem to me - I am happy he has found another mug to pander after him). I do wonder what tipped him over the edge to cause this situation we are now in ?

D.A.D - (Divorced) and deluded came from a conversation I had with DAD several years after our divorce. He was loosing an argument he was trying to have with me when I retorted "something (cant remember what) was no longer my concern as we were divorced" , in his typical way he became more flustered and told me that we wernt divorced ?!? Erm ....... ? really ? Not what my decree absolute says ! During our divorce he suggested that I had knobbled the judge (one hadnt been assigned at that point) and that I was in collusion with the CAFCAS officer (who neither of us had met at that point) ....... I think you can start to see how difficult it is to reason with him in any shape or form - possibly also why the majority of his family no longer have any contact with him.

Oh the joys of shared parenthood !

unpa1d love the idea of solicitor - can I claim harassment ?

unpa1dcar3r Sun 26-Jun-11 18:16:29

Sounds to me Running that your DS might have got his ADHD from his D.A.D.!!!
Not that my intention is to insult your poor son of course, but his dad sounds a bit!
And there is research somewhere which claims that ADHD and some types of autism come from the paternal side of the family...Hmmm? Does that sound possible do you think?
I would be inclined to withhold the ritalin on the wedding day (Mwhahaha, evil laugh). The only concern I would have with that idea is would it end up with your son being upset and over anxious etc?
I might also send literature which states that if the child does not have ADHD then the medicine will not work and they are likely to become even more hyper rather than calmer.
Does this new bird of his have any kids? What qualifications does she hold regarding being able to diagnose ADHD? Or don't tell me she's of that oh too common school of thought which states that ADHD doesn't exist?
If you get a solicitor she/he would defo word a letter in a brilliant way outlining your concerns over your son and also a few little sentences about how this could be construed as harrassment!!!!
Worth a shot?

mariamagdalena Sun 26-Jun-11 21:06:23

Don't send anything back. At all. Copy it, then take it to your solicitor and ask her to keep it in the file just in case you might need court ammunition in future years. And if your son sees any therapists at camhs, perhaps a copy for their files so they can see what sh**e he has to listen to.

TBH (and easy to say when it's someone else's annoying ex), the more adult and sensible you can be about this total nonsense, the better for you and your son. A crazy new harpy and a deluded ex are not going to be won over by reason, nor dissuaded by anger; if you really can;t just ignore then your best options might be mediation or an injunction (depending on how much harm you think their interference might cause to your ds).

runningonmt Tue 28-Jun-11 19:49:23

Quick update :

DS had a few hours contact with DAD on saturday - DAD told DS we cant have you stay overnight because of ALL the meds you are on (DAD had grillled DS about what he took and when). DAD also tells DS he cant see him for another 3 months as he is far too busy (and on holiday).

text recd on Sunday night from D.A.D: WE would like to talk to you regarding ALL the meds DS is on also why he is changing schools again (see previous thread - DS being kicked out asked to leave for being impulsive, hyperactive and inattentive aka having ADHD!!) DS had just told DAD he wasnt offered a place in the senior school to aviod upsetting DAD. I ignored text and switched phone off !

text recd monday night: I am letting you know i am seeking advise regarding ALL the meds my son is on. I wasnt consulted or asked for my opinion, He has Iunderstand not had any tests I need to know the long term plan he seems like a robot (?!) not an 11 year old. You say he needs routine but yet again he is goingto another school - how is that routine? I am very concerned that my son will be dependanat on drugs for the rest of his life. I ignored text.

Today I replied :I am deeply concerned ds turns into a robot when he is with you. Maybe it is because he feels so uncomfortable around you - He is not like that with anyone else - what are you doing to him to make him behave like that ? I am VERY concerned about this, I will be seeking my own advice too. Your lack of contact with him considering your concerns is extreemely disturbing.

So come on Mums out there - what should I do when my son turns into an andriod around his father ....... Send him with a tin of WD40, a screwdriver set and battery charger ?

Have checked the side effects in his medication packet and there is no mention of robot like behaviour...... I really hope D.A.D does seek advice - perhaps the men in white coats can put him (DAD not DS) in a comfy padded room until he is able to join us in the real world.

unpa1dcar3r Wed 29-Jun-11 08:14:04

LMAO Running. I just adore the reply you sent him. That is sooo funny. Good for you girl. He's a prick of the 1st degree aint he!
Good for youj for sticking up for yourself n your son like that without actually being rude...very cleverly written!

runningonmt Wed 29-Jun-11 12:19:19

unpa1d - I think I am passive-aggressive ?!? I certainly not lower myself to his standard (I have far tooooo much class grin , <shines halo>).

If you think that is good you should have read the letter I posted to H.E.R yesterday (Haggard Evil Runt) - I do hope they take it with them when they go to seek "advice" ......... I think they are possibly stupid enough to do so.

My favourite quote from our divorce had to be when we were being assessed for mediation (it was a blanket no because of the level of violence in the relatinship .... and like I said - I am passive agressive so it wasnt me slapping my DS around !!!)

Him : "I dont want mediation because she will run rings around me and make me look stupid".
Me : "He really doesnt need me in the room to make himself look stupid !!!" My solicitor loveeeeeeed that one !! <snigger in most un-ladylike manner>

unpa1dcar3r Wed 29-Jun-11 13:33:08

How did you put up with him for so long? He's so thick! Good job you're not eh!

runningonmt Wed 29-Jun-11 14:13:12

I think that is why he hates me so much - because I am not dumb and do not swoon over him with a "you are so big and macho because you have a nice car and earn lots of money". After we got married I could not reconcile how someone so stoopid could have such a good job ..... i figured out that if you have been with a company for 30 years (ish) you kinda creep your way up the ladder by talking the company talk. I am sure he is brilliant at his job, but he has no common sense at all.

Imagine my delight when I got home from work one day to discover he had tried to remove a broken toilet seat with a hammer ...... you will never guess what had happened ?!? And it was the only loo in the house so you can imagine how happy (and understanding) I was! Of course it was my fault because I had asked him to change the loo seat on his day off <sighs wistfully yearning for the days when we were together -NOT>

In all fairness I do have to take some of the blame - after all I was the stupid cow that went and married him.

Only found out that I was to be his third wife (and not second as I had believed) a few weeks before we got married. He didnt tell me about wife #1 because "it didnt count because we were young" - He told me she was unfaithful hence the divorce - after we split I found his divorce papers citing husbands infidelity !!!! oops !

Did I mention that the letter i sent H.E.R subtally mentions that I was wife number three, just incase he had forgotten to mention it again - you know how these busy tossers executive types over look the little things. <Evil snigger to self and rubbing hands together with spiteful glee.>

They do say that if you disturb a hornets nest you can expect to get stung !

unpa1dcar3r Wed 29-Jun-11 15:20:04

Haha you remind me of my ex; He actually said to my dalughter once "ya know why your mum hates me so much? It's cos I'm intelligent and she resents that cos she's not"...I laughed so hard it was a little tena moment. I said yes he's right. After she picked herself up from me actually agreeing with him she said 'why' so i replied "well he was intelligent enough to marry me and I was stupid enough to marry him"!!!

Of course he was right though. That's why i have the degree (2:1) despite raising 5 kids, 2 of whom are SLD and running a home/finances/dealing with SS etc and doing it all on 3 hrs sleep a night and he's a raving alkie with no job and a 3 bed terrace he cannot pay for cos he spends all his benefits on drink and not his kids or bills!

runningonmt Sun 03-Jul-11 23:11:47

Oh dear ..... I dont think he apreciated the letter I sent to his gf as he has left a very snotty msg on my answer phone telling me that I have ruined any chance of his son attending his wedding next month - I have also ruined any chance of him 'bonding' with his son. He never wants to see me again (ok with me) or have anything to do with me (still ok with me) although he will be taking advice and writing to me (erm, confused, either he does or doesnt want to have any contact with me - if not why is he writing to me). He rants on about my letter being liabalous although it was not actually addressed to him but his gf. He wants nothing to do with our DS until he is older or I am dead ! He is such a charmer.

DS has heard the msg as we got home after school together and he noticed msg on ansaphone - we were expecting a call from his school about sports day the next day as he had been at his new school for two days for the year 7 induction.

DS has decided he wants nothing more to do with DAD anymore and gave me a huge cuddle and told me that he doesnt think it is my fault at all (bless hi.m) but his sleepless nights again suggest that he has been shaken up by the ranting message

What a bl**dy mess.

How long do you think it will be before he breaks his self imposed contact ban with me when he has a hissy fit about something else ?

How can I make them leave us alone for once and for all?

unpa1dcar3r Mon 04-Jul-11 06:55:29

So why is he punishing your son with the wedding? Why is he refusing to see son to bond with him?
Did your son write the letter?

OMG Running. What a total and complete nob of the 1st order!

I would ignore him now; do not respond, let him chase you now if he wants contact with son. Oh and keep that message; write it down somewhere too word for word.
Bloody hell girl I'm frustrated with him just reading your posts about his attitude. He must be driving you up the bloody wall! Like you said in anothe rpost, he cannot be reasoned with can he. What a dick!
Sorry but I gotta laugh cos he really is unbelievable!
Hope your son is ok, just keep reassuring him it's not his fault and he's wonderful etc. I bet you do all that anyway but even more at the moment, bless him.
These fucking men, don't realise the damage they do, do they. Grrrr

runningonmt Mon 04-Jul-11 22:50:46

So why is he punishing your son with the wedding? Because he can - It is what he always does and he has always done. My job over the last 7 years has been "damage limitator". Your post did make me laugh though - he really is a total and complete nob of the 1st order! (can you get that on a fathers day card ?)

Gotta go - DS has just got up again with another "bad dream" - I suspect he has not yet been asleep so I dont think it is a dream - more that he cant get to sleep as too much is going through his mind still - |This has been going on every night now for over a week now - <deep sigh> x

unpa1dcar3r Tue 05-Jul-11 08:16:44

Yeah go on that card website-I forgot the name- where you make up your own card...I did it once for a friend, was only about £3 or so. But you could do one that says

"Happy Sperm donors day sh*t for brains" grin
Ooh innit tempting!!!!

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