I have had yet another experience of ds1's teacher marching up to me after school and confronting me in a highly aggressive manner.
When he came out of school I asked him if he had handed in his homework - he said no. Then I asked his he'd brought home his new homework and he said he'd left it in his drawer. So, I got his completed homework out of his bag and asked him to take that to his teacher, then go inside and fetch his new homework - which he did, without complaint.
Stood there chatting with ds2 and dd, when I looked up to see his teacher striding towards me with a look of thunder of her face and really aggressive body language. I assumed ds1 must've done something really bad and I was about to hear about it - but no.
She barked at me that she had reminded him three times today to put his homework in his bag, the last time being only two minutes ago. I apologised and told her he's been very tired and vague the last couple of weeks and we've been having similar problems at home. To which she told me she had told him to put his homework in his bag and he'd refused, saying he wanted to bring it home tomorrow - so it has nothing to do with him being vague 'he's not vague he's rude and disobedient'.
I was taken aback at the aggressiveness and just said I would speak to him, but as we walked away I was shaking and quite upset and angry. It wasn't what she said it was her whole manner and the way she spoke to me - really aggressive and confrontational. Fwiw, she was way off the mark - ds knows he does this particular homework on Thursday evenings at home, so he didn't see a need to bring it home today, she didn't give him a reason to bring it home today, so in his eyes there was no need to comply. I asked him if he'd been rude and he was adamant that he wasn't, that he didn't use a rude tone of voice, he just said he wanted to bring it home tomorrow. I told him that he knows he should do as he is told by his teachers, parents etc and that he knows its naughty not to and he admitted that is something I tell him a lot, but got quite upset telling me he wasn't rude at all, then said he was really confused because he thought I taught him it was only rude if you used a rude tone of voice, but now I'm telling him its just rude to say no. Aaarrgh!
The only other thing that might be relevant is that a few weeks ago the teacher cornered me after school, took me into a classroom and told me that ds was basically unteachable (not in so many words) and wouldn't qualify for any support in class, so there was nothing else she could think of 'to do with him'. 
(There was a lot more to it and I was very distressed afterwards.) I happened to be meeting wiht the inclusion boss a couple of days later and related the conversation to her. She said it was unacceptable, inappropriate and downright misinformation, not to mention inappropriate lines of communication. The inclusion boss has since been working very closely with the new SENCO and the teacher concerned hadn't spoken to me since, in fact it has seemed like she was actively avoiding me - until today. I now wonder whether the inclusion boss raised it with the SENCO, so the teacher has been 'spoken to'.
That said, this isn't the first time, there have been several of these occurrences throughout the year and each time I come away either shaking or in tears, which is very unlike me, but I have honestly never experienced such aggression and hostility before in my life. I now dread picking ds1 up from school because of it.
So, after speaking to my Mum (seriously needed to speak to another adult to get some perspective) on her advice I called to speak to the Head. Unfortunately he was out at a meeting, but I've left a message for him to call me tomorrow.
Half of me thinks we only have four weeks left and I should just let it lie, but if I'm honest, that doesn't sit well. The teacher clearly has issues and I feel like if I don't say something she will just continue to do the same to some other poor parent next year.
Am I wasting my time speaking to the Head? What should I say? I'm worrying now about how to handle the telephone conversation so that I don't sound like an over emotional, paranoid parent. I have honestly never been anything but helpful, polite and full of praise and thanks for this teacher, so I know it its nothing I've done, but I do know she has really struggled to understand and cope with ds, despite having lots of support from EPs, Inclusion and even ASD training.
I was thinking of telling the Head that I don't want to make a formal complaint, but that I want it noted that I'm not happy to be treated like that. I thought I should point out that I have always got on well with every single member of staff in the school - through two ds's over a span of six years at the school and its not in my nature to over-react or complain, but that I am concerned that if she can do it to me and get away with it, she is likely to do it to another parent in the future.
I am going to have to say something now, as he's going to call me back tomorrow, but I'm worried that I don't have a clear idea of what he can do about it really.
Any advice?
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.
SN children
Should I bother complaining? (Long rant)
moosemama · 22/06/2011 18:03
Yes Ellen, he's in year 4 at the moment. I don't think she's likely to be given the class again, but ds2 could well end up with her when he hits year 4 the year after next. I have to say, that worries more than a little.
Dh says exactly the same thing about lack of empathy and poor social skills, in fact the first thing he said after we met her for the first time, was that he thought she was probably on the spectrum as well as ds and she's not done much to disprove the theory. If its not that then there's definitely something else going on.
The daft thing is, I know she has tried really hard to be inclusive and to try to understand how to deal with him, its like she just can't get her head around it no matter how hard she tries. She has listened to the advice she's been given by professionals and tried to implement it, but without being able to see/think about things from ds's perspective and really getting to grips with understanding how the mind of someone who has ASD works, there are new things almost every day that she either misreads or doesn't know how to handle.
The thing is, regardless of whether she has worked hard to try and support ds, I feel she shouldn't be allowed to go round ranting and confronting parents in the playground like that. This time, fortunately, we were only there with the last few stragglers, but on previous occasions she's done it in front of all the junior school parents - and I mean all, as I have to pick ds up practically at the door for him to find me, so all the other parents are basically stood facing us waiting for their dcs. In addition, it angers me that she has obviously labelled ds as 'disobedient' 'defiant' and 'rude' (all her words) when she should have learned by now that that's simply not the case. She basically accuses me of making excuses for him, when in reality he is just badly behaved.
Oh god - and we have to start all over again with a new teacher in September. Ds has told me the new teacher's name today, I've never met her, but I observed her teaching her current class in the playground yesterday and from what I saw, it doesn't looking good. 
I could have just seen her on a bad day though - she might be lovely. [hopeful]
Good luck with it, moose. I'd forgotten about DS2 coming through.
I am so crap. She just rang and I wasn't expecting it with it being so late, so I ended up relating the whole sorry story to her.
On the positive side, she agreed that the behaviour was unacceptable and that I had a valid complaint, which she will pass on to the Head tomorrow. She also said that I have been very measured in my responses to this teacher and not at all unreasonable, so at least she doesn't think I'm a moaning minnie or a trouble maker - hopefully.
I suppose its their move now - I'll have to wait and see what tomorrow brings. The teacher concerned isn't normally in on a Friday, but sod's law would have it that she seems to be scheduled to teach ds's class last session tomorrow afternoon for some unknown reason. 
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