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Having more children...

(12 Posts)
WipsGlitter Wed 15-Jun-11 20:49:07

Hi, I had DS2 in 2010 and he was diagnosed with Downs at birth. Big shock, but he's a great wee boy and we all love him. DP is very keen to have another baby, but I am really worried about the same happening again - or something else going "wrong". I'm 40 as well so time is knocking on. For those of you who went on to have another child after a special baby - how did you get over this fear (if you had it) and was there anything special you did to prepare. We agree that we would have the tests this time.

asdx2 Wed 15-Jun-11 20:56:21

Well dd was unplanned and arrived 5 years after ds's autism diagnosis so I never went through the getting over the fear tbh. I do know though that she has been an absolute blessing and has brought so much love and laughter and so many positives for ds that the fact she has autism too seems somewhat of a side issue. Good luck with whatever you decide x

proudmum74 Wed 15-Jun-11 21:15:02

Hi WipsGlitter - we're in exactly the same position as you. My dd was also born in 2010 and has Downs & I'll be 37 in a few months time, so I know exactly where you are coming from & will be watching this thread with interest.

glimmer Wed 15-Jun-11 21:28:48

I think it can be a big difference if your child has a condition that can be tested for (at least then you have a choice about knowing or not) or not. But certainly another child could always have something that you can't test for. DC2 has an extremely rare genetic condition, and I am pregnant with DC3. I am waiting to hear the results from the CVS, and I do not know yet the outcome, but we are decided that we wouldn't have another child with SN, if they are diagnosable antenatally given our family situation. For me, the potential benefits of having another child outweighed the risks, and I think it would be good for everybody in my family, but obviously, having a child with SN makes you look at everything from a very different perspective. To answer the question: I don't thing there is a way to get over the fear, you go with it and confront it. And for preparation, we decided to have a CVS and would take the consequences given that we have a child with SN. Good luck with your decision. What does DH think - I think that plays an important role.

WipsGlitter Thu 16-Jun-11 12:30:34

hi, DH and I are in agreement broadly that we want another baby, and we share the same fears. Before we had DS2 we were so blase and now he frets about autism and spina-bifida and all sorts of things we would never have considered before.

Where we live abortion is illegal so that is another factor to consider.

bigbluebus Thu 16-Jun-11 13:01:08

DD was born 16 yrs ago with rare chromosone disorder & is severely disabled. When I was pregnant (age 30) we decided not to have tests & take whatever life gave us. We are not carriers of DD's condition - geneticist said it was a 'sporadic event' but that was no guarantee that we wouldn't have another child with that or any other condition. When I was pregnant with DS we decided to have a CVS test at 10wks and didn't tell anyone I was pregnant so that any decision we made on getting result would be ours and ours alone. (I was brought up in a catholic family so parents would not have approved of termination but we didn't feel we could have coped with another child with difficulties but equally I don't know how I would have coped with a termination). No amount of tests and detailed scans convinced me that DS was OK until he was actually born.
DS was always a difficult baby/toddler and at age 7 he was diagnosed with HF ASD - so we ended up with another SEN child after all.
But we cope - life would have been so boring without them both and we have met so many lovely people that we would never have met if it wasn't for our DC.
No one is saying it will be easy if life deals you another crap card but do what you feel is best for you and your family - I'm sure you will cope with whatever life throws at you.
Wips I wish you all the best with your decision and hope that all turns out well.

vjg13 Thu 16-Jun-11 13:35:58

It wasn't until my daughter was about to start school that I felt ready to try for another child. I was 34 when I got pregnant the second time and basically just hoped for the best. I didn't want any tests or extra scans because I don't think I would have been mentally up to having an abortion.

My second child was born without any additional needs but I remember feeling very surprised about that on the day she was born so I think I was prepared for her to have special needs too.

WG, all good wishes for what ever you choose.

LegoLady95 Thu 16-Jun-11 14:03:59

I fell pg with DS unplanned when DS1 was only 6 months old. So we didn't even know DS1 was autistic. DS2 is nearly 3 and appears to be NT. I often wonder if we would have been too scared to have him, if we had waited until DS1 was say 2yo before trying (we knew by then he was autistic). So I feel it was a real blessing to have happened unplanned. That said we are seriously considering trying for DC3 (well I am trying to convince DF).
Whether your children have SN or not, you will love them and they will enrich your life.

BakeliteBelle Thu 16-Jun-11 14:47:39

I was desperate for another child and waited 6 years after DS1 was born with severe disabilities. No diagnosis so nothing to test for. However, I had every other test going and frankly, I would have considered abortion if any of them had been positive. Of course, if DS2 had turned out to be disabled with the same untestable, unnamed syndrome, that would have been another bridge that we would have crossed. However, DS2 is NT and it has been very healing coming back - sort of - into mainstream life.

I am glad DS1 was never diagnosed in utero though. Being an SN mum has made me what I am and given me so much more depth. I just didn't want to do it again!

sahara13 Thu 16-Jun-11 19:22:12

Ds2 was already here when ds1 was diagnosed with ASD so the decision was already out of our hands. However, we have since gone on to have ds3! Ds2 and ds3 are NT but I think the world would be a lonely place for ds1 without them.

Chundle Thu 16-Jun-11 19:47:08

Dd1 was prem she has ADHD. We decided to have another knowing there was heightened risk of another premature birth- along comes dd2 also prem but in slightly worse shape at birth. Dd2 has more early on difficulties than dd1 ever did. We won't be having anymore mainly because I couldn't cope with another prem baby x

elliejjtiny Mon 20-Jun-11 00:00:41

We thought long and hard before having DS3. DS1 is on the autistic spectrum (probably mild aspergers) and has mild ehlers-danlos syndrome (hypermobility). DS2 has more severe ehlers-danlos syndrome. We decided to start trying when DS2 was 21 months partly because he was getting heavy and I was worried about having to lug around an older child while heavily pregnant so didn't want to leave it too long. I got pregnant with DS3 just after DS2's 2nd birthday. I'm glad we didn't wait around because DS3 is now 5 months old and DS2 still needs carrying a lot and isn't getting any lighter!

DS3 has hypotonia, failure to thrive and reflux and it looks like he probably has elhers-danlos syndrome too. TBH the hardest part is juggling 3 lots of appointments (it feels like I'm managing a boy band!). In some ways it's easier that they all have issues of some kind because I don't know what "normal" parenting is. I'm always quite surprised when I meet up with friends and and it comes up in conversation that they haven't seen their hv in months/years. We see ours most weeks that we don't see the paed and I forget that most people don't do this after the 6 week check!

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