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Has anyone else got a child with SN / and one G&T who can help me out?

(6 Posts)
MrsShrekTheThird Tue 14-Jun-11 22:56:54

Ds1 ASD, Aspie end of spectrum, ds2 3 years younger, G&T but luckily most of time he hides it well grin
so far no huge problems, we speak a lot about respecting each other and how we are good at different things. Til now ds2 hadn't realised he was "clever" but it's starting to dawn on him a bit. Similarly, ds1 starting to notice how independent his mates are getting and how he doesn't do all the things they do, he's too anxious.
Any words of wisdom? Balancing their academic differences without making it an issue? Dealing with promoting independence in different but comparable ways? Am about to get very stressed...

PiousPrat Tue 14-Jun-11 23:49:56

I am in a similar situation, in that DS1 is awaiting a dx for Aspergers and DS2 is very bright, sociable and sporty. With regards to their achievements, I tend to focus on each one separately and make sure I praise them a roughly equal amount, even if their achievements aren't directly comparable, so for example DS2 comes home from school to say he has won the upper school chess tournament, he gets praise and a reward (we usually have a special dinner for big achievement days) then when Ds1 comes home and has remembered to go into the school office, deliver a message & come home with the reply, we make a song and dance about that as well as that is a big achievement for him.

The 2 occasions aren't comparable at all of course, but they both represent something that the child has tried hard and succeeded at which is the part that we focus on. I don't think it has done them any harm to know that there are different boundaries for each of them because they are each different. After all, Ds2 is very different to the kid next door who is the same age and also NT and Ds1 is very different to the Other kid in his year with AS. Their differences are as much because they are different people than being caused by their brain wiring and i believe that it is good for DS2 to learn to be more tolerant and accepting of those differences and for DS1 to become more confident with his own differences and learn how to look for the positives.

As for the independence thing, I'll get back to you in a couple of weeks and let you know if i am remotely qualified to talk on it. DS1 desperately wants to see Kung Fu panda 2 at the cinema. dS1 and i really don't and in a fit of stupidity, when DS1 was going on and on and on about it, I said he'd be going on his own then. Except of course all his peers go into town most weeks on their own or in groups, so now he wants to go. We have thoroughly talked through the route he needs to take, which buses he can get and their times, having his phone on at all times and that sort of thing. Tbh I think i will do something similar with DS2 when it comes time for him to go into town by himself although I probably won't go over it quite so many times or try to think up all possible variables and plan out a solution as he is more capable of thinking on the spot than his brother.

It is heartbreaking when they suddenly realise that their peers can do more than them. Today the door knocked and it was 3 lads come to call for DS1 to go out and play. When he got back he couldn't work out why I was so pleased and asked so many questions as people call for DS2 all the time. Except this is the first time anyone has called for him. In 4 years of living here.

But you know what? They are different and it is okay to treat them as such. If you push yourself to make things exactly even and identical between your SN and NT kids, you will end up doing both a disservice and running yourself ragged at the same time.

IndigoBell Wed 15-Jun-11 09:38:46

I don't really know what to say.

DS2 overtook DD years ago, and it is really, really, really hard.

DD copes very well - perhaps too well? Perhaps she is so busy putting up a front that she doesn't care that she's at the bottom of the class that she has no energy left for actually trying hard? I'm sure she's learnt that it doesn't matter how hard she works...............

So, It's not 100% a good thing that DD doesn't care that DS2 is far ahead of her.........

All I can say is praise effort not achievement....... In the hope you are sending out the message that trying hard is the thing you really care about.

Do both kids know that DS1 has a dx of Aspergers? I think that would be important.......

Lancelottie Wed 15-Jun-11 11:35:58

Bit different here, in that our oldest has both the SEN and the G&T label, so he is wildly ahead of his age in some areas but could certainly not manage the going into town independently that Pious mentioned.

DS1 couldn't even go to the local shop on his own.
DS2 (2 years younger) would happily go, but would probably lose the list.
DD (3 years younger again) would go, get all the shopping, and probably realise we were out of loo rolls so bring those too.

MrsShrekTheThird Sat 18-Jun-11 02:11:50

Oh lance, you and i must have cloned families. Those statements would apply exactlygrin

Thanks all for wise stuff, reassurance and inspiration. Internet hasn't been working so this is the first chance I've had to get back since posting the thread blush
I think I'm probably doing more worry than is particularly necessary but it's my job innit both boys suitably oblivious in their own ways, to what the reality of the situation actually means.
Yes we've talked a bit to DD and a lot to DS2 about ASD and how it affects DS1, he also explains a lot himself as he understands it well, but he erm explains it at length wink and the younger ones then interrupt to ask questions which either frustrates him or sends him into rewind and he starts all over again... Better that most of it comes from me and DH for now, til the small folk learn not to butt in!

Ineedalife Sat 18-Jun-11 12:30:38

I have a right mix bag too,
Dd1[22] is quite aspie but no Dx, she was G and T at school for quite a few things.
She lives independently but regularly gets into difficulties with bills etc. She has a 3 yr old Dd who is sweet and very loving despite Dd1's lack of empathy.

Dd2[15] is NT, fantastic socially and could probably live independently but not academic at all.

and
Dd3[8] being assesed for AS v.bright but not actually on G and T register, rubbish social skills and not independent at all yet.

It is hard isn't it, Dd3 runs rings round Dd2 in an argument and has an amazing memory when it comes to Dd2's misdemeanors[sp] 5 years agohmm. Dd2 reacts agressively and spitefully.

Oh its all good fun isn't it[scream].

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