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So now EVERYTHING is a nightmare. Was dreading this and now it's happened

(13 Posts)
makemineaquadruple Thu 09-Jun-11 13:03:04

Posted loads on my dd recently and her sometimes awful behaviour. The only thing that kept me sane(ish) was that she was doing well at school. By well I mean no tantrums. She still wasn't really forming friendships, but it was on it's way. Anyway, I picked her up today and apparently she's been a nightmare all week! She's been completely defiant, stubborn and has been having major meltdowns which they've had to get other teachers involved to try and help. Apparently it's the screaming that they find the worst. It's completely disruptive obviously.

This was what I was completely dreading because I thought if she gets a taste for being like she is at home at school, she wont stop. People always tell me to leave it and don't punish her myself as it's been dealt with there. But how can I do this when she get's a little treat everyday if she's been good? I had to explain to her just now that I knew she had been naughty at school so she wouldn't be getting the treat. Is this really wrong? I can't see how it is, because I think half the problem was because she didn't realise I find out if she's been naughty.

I just feel terrible because I don't feel like there's anything positive anymore. I can't see how it's going to get better. What do I do? I feel so weak. All i've done since coming home is cry. She says she's sorry, but I really don't know if she understands how bad her behaviour is.

drivemecrazy63 Thu 09-Jun-11 13:12:45

plese dont feel bad weve all been there (((hugs))) has anything changed at school like a different TA or a child she doesnt get on with or bullying in school just ideas, as for the bad behaviour it could be the noise level or the stress/ anxiety causing her to keep screeming and as our SALT has explained to me if their hearing senitivitys really bad this can then cause a dc to be loud or scream. i dont know is your dc AS or ASD or PDD so it depends if their are sensory problems there or not , if it is then the way ss tell us to tackle it is with possitive rewards only and if has had a bad day at school to not punish at home let them deal with it then and there in school as DS separates the two and he doesnt remember why hes being punished later. i feel for you i truly do its hard as hell especially if your not sure yet whats causing the distress, could you get a salt/ait to check her auditory sensitivity out if they have not already?

Marne Thu 09-Jun-11 13:29:50

<<hugs>>, is this her first week back after half term? maybe there has been a change in the classroom that has triggered it or a change in routine (swimming?). I'm not sure about the punishment, my dd2 doesn't really understand punishment so i dont offten punish her (although a few weeks ago i made her sit on the naughty step for the first time ever), usually if dd is having meltdowns its due to change in routine or sensorry issues so i find it hard to punish her for something she has no control over.

IndigoBell Thu 09-Jun-11 13:55:22

Yep, giving your child a treat if they've been good at school can easily cause this type of problem........

makemineaquadruple Thu 09-Jun-11 19:56:00

Sorry Indigo, i'm not sure what you mean.

Drive and Marne, I suppose her routine has changed slightly at school. It was her first week after half term and after the easter holidays several new children joined the group. She no longer has her 1 to 1 as one of the children who started has more severe issues than dd. This seemed to be working fine though.

She's just not herself atall. I'm used to her switching moods quite rapidly and seeing her almost slightly regress, but this is on another level completely.

When she's "switched" she'll just talk nonsense. If I tell her she's being really naughty she'll just growel at me that i've been naughty. Defiant doesn't cover it. She looks straight through me as though she can't see me. She'll usually then repeat a few random sentences from something on T.V. She's starting to hit randomly now. It's not even at something small, it's completely unprovoked. I couldn't finish her bedtime story tonight because I was so upset. Dp had to finish it. She'll then always say how sorry she is, but I really don't believe it's sincere. She'll look at herself in the mirror whilst she says it and pretend to cry like me. It's soul destroying. How can someone who I love so much feel apparently nothing for me. I know that's an odd thing for a parent to say, but i'm just being honest about my feelings. It's almost a victory for her when she sees me cry.

Completely and utterly miserable right now.

asdx2 Thu 09-Jun-11 20:03:44

Hey don't feel bad, in a way it's a positive you know, there is nothing like a seriously disruptive child in school to draw in all the support services available.
For me I keep school and home completely separate so I wouldn't expect school to reward or punish any behaviour at home and I don't reward or punish anything that happens in school although if it's a positive I do make a fuss of the child any negative I don't comment because I figure it's been done to a death in school anyway.
I just find that it adds to your battles if I take on stuff that happens in school and I choose mine carefully.

Marne Thu 09-Jun-11 20:21:08

She loves you, your her mum, she just finds it hard to show you, please dont feel bad sad. Dd1 has started hitting and growlling at me, usually through frustration (because she cant get her point across) and dd2 does the 'looking in the mirror' trick whilst she trys to cry. Has she got a statement for school? seems unfair that she has to share 1:1 at school (this might not be helping). I think its best to keep school and home completely seperate (like asdx2 said), leave it to school to punish/correct her at school and you concentrate on her behaviour at home.

coff33pot Thu 09-Jun-11 20:47:43

ALL children can be little horrors when they want to be and in our cases on most occasions they cannot help it. But that doesnt stop them loving us smile I have just came home from picking my son up from beavers and I forgot his drink that I always bring. That resulted in him growling and barking like a dog at me ALL the way home!

I have made the mistake of bringing school issues home and it has made matters ten times worse to be honest. Started with rewards ie "be good and we shall take dog to park today" Then when its all gone wrong I have to forgo the walk and its a long night that wouldnt have happened if I just left them to deal with issues in the school setting. For a start an incident could have happened in the morning and then here I am at the end of a tiring day punishing him again. Big mistake but learnt by it.

Sops Thu 09-Jun-11 23:44:24

A lack of empathy doesn't mean they don't love you, it just means they can't understand how it feels to be you. In most people empathy and love go hand in hand but not all, so do not think she doesn't love you just because she can't empathise. I know how difficult it is not to take it personally, but I just have to keep reminding myself it's not a choice.
It's taken me a long time to realise that treats and rewards are totally counter-productive for my ds. Even birthday presents bring out the worst in him (he has one from his uncle unopened for the last 2 months 'cos we can't bear the bad behaviour when he gets something- aggressive, spoilt, brattish, horrible followed by weeks of demands for more toys/treats sad)
Might be worth abandoning all conventional carrot/stick behavioural approaches. Although we're told that they work for all children, they really don't. Things in our house have been so much pleasanter since we got rid of reward charts, naughty steps and the like. Tbh, the thing that works best with ds is to ignore the actual meltdown as much as you can (obviously restrain from hurting etc) and as soon as poss offer hug. Usually diffuses situation fastest. Our ds' meltdowns are precipitated by his anxiety so putting more pressure on him to conform makes him feel even more anxious- totally counter-productive. Keep calm and carry on is our slogan here!
It's awful when you feel like things can't get better, but I think on here you can see that others have faced the similar obstacles before you and with (a lot) of perseverance and (a lot) of optimism, things can and will improve.

makemineaquadruple Fri 10-Jun-11 08:55:01

Thanks for all the advice. I knew really that the general consensus was to separate the two(home and school). The thing is, with dd I know she can rememer what she's done wrong at school. Does that change anything? She's bounced off to school again today and she's still not herself. Another saving grace of dd's was that she always slept well. I think you know what's coming. I got about 1.5 hours sleep last night. She would usually respect bedtime routine and apart from getting out to go to the toilet, would stay in her bed. Last night she was just swaning around upstairs without a care in the world. When I told her to get back to bed she'd say "ok, sorry mummy", but then two minutes later would be out again. She's also taken to screaming in the middle of the night. It'll be short, sharp screams. This has never happened before and it's scary. I'm thinking, god what if it's some kind of regression.

Marne Fri 10-Jun-11 10:21:52

I wouldn't say regression, my dd's often go through a bad patch before they progress (mainly dd2), she maybe looking for ways to self calm herself (the getting up and down at bed time), a lot of it sounds very sensory. Does she see OT? (maybe worth asking for a referral from paed or GP, depending on what area you are in and who OT consider seeing). Sould's like she's just having a blip caused by a change at school or home?

bochead Fri 10-Jun-11 10:30:14

Even the most well-balanced, nt adult will take it out on their nearest and dearest when under pressure. I refuse to believe anyone hasn't snapped at their hubby or best friend after a bereavement or stressful time at work at least once. Sad fact of human nature.

As Mum you are the person she's closest to, so sadly there will be times when you bear the brunt of her upset. You'll also get the "brunt" of her appreciation as the years go by. Loving someone and being ABLE to demonstrate that love aren't always aligned.

The lack of sleep is probably anxiety if she's usually good. Reduce the anxiety and the sleep will sort itself out. Let each hour be a fresh start if need be.

asdx2 Fri 10-Jun-11 11:22:01

No, just because she remembers what happened at school doesn't mean there has to be consequences at home. School is school and home is home, let them deal with the issues there and concentrate on the issues at home.
FWIW dd will remember verbatim what happened at school and usually tells me herself anyway, my response is always school is finished now it's time for home and then we move on. It really isn't worth the stress of trying to link the two together and the chances are because she is more comfortable at home you'll get the fallout anyway tbh.

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