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Hate ,hate , hate going back to school.

(20 Posts)
siblingrivalry Mon 06-Jun-11 07:44:16

It's the first day back after half term and dd has just left with DH for school. She was in tears and chewing her lip until the skin broke sad

Yesterday was awful; she was so anxious and upset.
Her school is one of the best we could hope for-they support her etc, but she finds it so difficult. She has AS and her main issues are with anxiety and low self-esteem. She also has a lot of sensory issues and comes home each day white with tiredness and the strain of coping.

We will most likely HE her at secondary level (she is currently 10, in Y5) because the only school local to us is massive, with a terrible reputation for children with SEN.
But I really, really didn't want to send her back this morning. Thing is, I know it isn't just a case of 'first day back nerves', because this is an almost daily occurrence and the strain it puts on us all is just awful.

Last week was heavenly, everyone was more relaxed and dd was like a different child. It all just makes me feel so sad.

I know that many people on this board will be going through the same thing today and I really feel for each and every one of you. It's heartbreaking.

So I'm back to clock-watching til 3.30.

Sorry for moaning, I think I just needed to get it out.

Shannaratiger Mon 06-Jun-11 07:54:25

Dd(7) has dyspraxia and she has been coming up with reasons why she doesn't want to go back to school since she got up at 6:30. Playtimes are still the main ones though, another visit to the lovely head master is needed to discuss problems with 2 boys 'annoying her' that she just doesn't understand how to handle.

Marne Mon 06-Jun-11 08:36:50

Mine go back tomorrow, i havn't told dd2 yet, dd1 loves school but hates play time, she always seems excited about going back and then after a few days she will be back to her normal crying self. Luckily its her last term at this school as we are moving them in september, they start visits in 2 weeks time.

devientenigma Mon 06-Jun-11 10:03:35

I would let everyone know RE the different child when not in school. It sounds a bit like us though my ds point blank refuses to go anywhere there is noise, crowd and kids. He now has a home tutor with him not being able to go to school due to his anxieties and issues.
White with tiredness and the strain of coping too, exactly what my ds was like also. Or so bad tempered and aggressive. It's not right and needs to be discussed. Maybe dd needs more reasurance and other coping methods. You know best.
BTW my ds is 10 yo too. Hope you manage to sort something rather than getting to the point we are at.

IndigoBell Mon 06-Jun-11 10:11:12

Sibling - why don't you HE her now? Or possibly flexi-school? maybe she just goes into school in the mornings?

I know I go on and on about this - but DSs main ASD symptom was anxiety. His anxiety was caused by having retained reflexes (in particular the Moro Reflex). After a year of retained reflex therapy his anxiety is now totally manageable. It's really worth checking out.......

smileANDwave2000 Mon 06-Jun-11 10:27:37

its understandable your worried and feeling bad as you dont feel your sending your child off to a happy safe environment a lot of us feel like this as you say not just first day back although the forst few days back are the worst but the whole half term and the anxiety it causes not just to dcs but the whole family as a units unbarable
when are you thinking of starting HE or perhaps HE and part time in a different type of school?

wendihouse22 Mon 06-Jun-11 10:32:07 recognise that many of us are going through this today (or tomorrow). My son and I have had a relatively quiet/at home half term. He's been relaxed (unless I've asked him to leave the house) and it's been good. For all of us. He's ASD (high functioning) with additional OCD/Tourettes verbal tics. His anxiety about school means that at 7am this morning his brain was working overtime to try to convince me why he really ought to stay home, play pacman, not leave his room and draw.

I'd HE but don't imagine we'd get anything done, as he struggles to do even a little homework, for me. He's also 10.

We have him down for a good mainstream school with asd unit attachment for 2012. If he doesn't get a place, then, I can imagine he will refuse point blank to attend the (excellent) secondary we have accross the road from us. I know he'd not survive it there.

When he returns home at 3pm he'll disappear to his room to "come down" from the day. And I will also be wrung out from the worry of just how much effort it's taken for him to get through the school day. sad

Send you a brew and biscuit.

siblingrivalry Mon 06-Jun-11 10:40:04

Thanks everyone.
Shanna and marne, hope all goes well with your dd's at school. Fingers crossed for you.

devient, I have followed your story on this board as I am a long term poster/lurker and I am pleased to here about your ds' tutor. It's horrible to see them so strained and exhausted, isn't it?
Thing is, she gets loads of support at school and home, but it just seems to be too much for her to cope with - she's done really well there, but I feel like she's paid too high a price.

Indigo I desperately want to HE her at the end of this school year. Flexi-schooling wouldn't be an option, due to the logistics (school isn't local and we have a complicated pick/up drop system).
I love how happy and relaxed she is during holidays -her issues are still there, but she is so much more receptive to working through them when she doesn't have the pressures of school to stress her out.

She is very receptive to HE at secondary level, but says she wants to finish primary school.
I am at the point where I don't know what to do for the best. I will always take her views and opinions into account, but feel like I may have to over-rule her and HE her earlier, simply because it's too big a decision to expect a 10 year old to make.

The effect of this on the whole family is huge. I would say that 9/10 days she doesn't want to go to school. She was begging DH to take her home on the way to school today. So he's worried and stressed all day, as am I-the evenings are difficult because dd is emotional, anxious and tearful.
Her little sister suffers too, because she misses out on our attention and has to cope with dd1's meltdowns.

I'm trying to balance dd1's wishes with the needs of her and the whole family and it's getting harder and harder, tbh sad

WRT retained reflexes, this is also something I have been meaning to look into and I will do some research -thank you.
I am so pleased it's meant an improvement for your ds.

siblingrivalry Mon 06-Jun-11 10:45:35

smileandwave x posts re the stress on the whole family! Thank you. x

wendi you read my mind, just had a cuppa and some biscuits!
Sorry your son is going through the same. It's so exhausting isn't it? For us and them.
I know dd wouldn't survive our local secondary school -she struggles in her current, 70 place little school.
Hope your ds is ok at school.

IndigoBell Mon 06-Jun-11 10:51:52

Sibling - I wanted DS to move school for a year, and he kept refusing, until in the end I made the decision for him.

He really didn't want to move (resistance to change). On the first (half) day he came out of school saying 'Thanks Mum. You were right'.

I really regret listening to DS for a year, and keeping him at a school which I knew was bad for him. I too thought he was old enough to be able to decide etc. But I forgot to factor in the ASD. He would never choose to change. Never ever.....

So I think you need to overrule her and HE her. Why don't you do it now, as an experiment, for the last half term? Then if it doesn't work out she can just start Y6 in Sep as planned......

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 06-Jun-11 10:56:26


Am sorry to read of this re your DD. I would seriously consider taking her out of this particular school environment earlier now and not do Y6 within that school. I wholeheartedly feel that if child's the additional support needs are not fully met at or by school then the whole family suffers as a result.

Is your DD statemented?. Sorry I cannot recall if she is or not. I ask this because in my experience of living in this part of the world, no statement = no support of any real long term value.

Have you looked at Education Otherwise?. They also have a SEN section on their webpage.

siblingrivalry Mon 06-Jun-11 11:23:44

Indigo your last post made so much sense to me -of course dd wouldn't choose such a drastic change, I don't know why I didn't think of that [slaps head].
I think you are right -sometimes why just have to go with what we know is best and trust our own instincts.

We have HE'd dd in the past very successfully, but she requested trying school a couple of years ago. It's a long story, but basically she left her previous school as a total physical and emotional wreck and when she had recovered she asked to try school because she wanted to 'be the same'. This is a big part of her AS- she is desperate not to appear 'different'. I think she has realised, through her new school, that she doesn't need to fit in with everyone all the time.
Although I don't regret letting her try school again, I do wish I had stuck at HE longer, because she is regressing again now.

Attila dd isn't statemented-that's a whole other story! Thanks for your post, I am feeling reassured after reading these responses.

Thanks everyone

TheDuckster Mon 06-Jun-11 11:23:51

I can relate to your situation.

We home-educated my DD after withdrawing her from school (not once, but twice). She was HE at both primary and secondary level.

She was much happier at home and in the end we decided that allowing her to learn in her own time, at her own pace was the best thing for her. There were still problems and I won't try to kid you it was all plain sailing.

She didn't sit any GCSEs or A'levels - we simply didn't push her to do so. We allowed her to learn what she wanted, when she wanted - she is very bright.

Eventually when she was 17 she announced (without any prompting from us) that she wanted to go to college and take GCSEs and A'levels. She did just that - had a few minor issues - but got the results and is now at univeristy (living away from home).

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

wendihouse22 Mon 06-Jun-11 11:28:00

Attila's right. My son's statemented and the school, an excellent one, has just been awarded 25 hours (he only does a 28 hr week) support. Upped from 20hrs. At the statement review, I said I had no idea how the school were able to accommodate him on just 20hrs. Last week, the LEA upped it now he has additional OCD and Tourettes.

I got into a bit of an argument about statements on here a couple of weeks ago. Someone saying they weren't necessary. Ours has been an absolute godsend and we WOULD NOT STAND A CHANCE OF GETTING INTO THE SECONDARY SCHOOL OF CHOICE without it.

Also agree, the assistance, if it's not specifically tailored to the child might as well not be in place. I'd speak to the Senco and find out what's being done and what needs to be bettered. Clearly, all is not well AT SCHOOL. My ds's school have worked out a new strategy to incorporate the CBT he's been undergoing and includes the whole family. They are in constant liaison with the psychiatrist and counsellor at CAMHS. They know my ds inside out and when things go pearshaped.....they're looking at why and how it can be sorted.

devientenigma Mon 06-Jun-11 13:06:56

sibling you know every time it gets hard for me at home apart from spitting my dummy out I always think about how life was with my ds before. It worried me when you said dd was regressing. This is something I do not want for my ds. The profs think they have got it all worked out where he is, short term home tutor etc, they really don't know what's about to hit them!! It's also another reason of why I/we need school to work this time round. All the support in the world can still miss something. We were also supposed to be having CBT but apparently ds is too severe!! However I don't care how or when but I agree with Wendi they and you need to know why and how it can be sorted!! Be strong Sibling and yes I know easier said than done.
P.s blush wow didn't realise I had a follower, if your ever on facebook, hunt me out lol, take care and hope you feel this is sorted soon x

wendihouse22 Mon 06-Jun-11 13:49:55

My son's CBT's stopped for the moment as too poorly to access it. Started meds in the hope he can go back to it in future.

siblingrivalry Tue 07-Jun-11 07:09:13

Good morning.
Duckster your story is reassuring -so pleased for you and your daughter that things have worked out so well for her. DD is also very bright, so I am really hoping that, as long as it doesn't put too much pressure on her, she continues with her education.

Devient I will have a look for you later on FB. I hope I didn't sound like a stalker grin. I just knew what you were going through and was hoping you would be able to find a solution.

Wendi the school do know dd well, but my biggest issue is that they still don't look beyond her 'fake' smile and expression-she's very good at hiding her emotions and burying them deep.

She said that yesterday was 'okay', which was a massive relief. She's very quiet again this morning. Usually, mid-week is when she really starts to struggle.
DH and I ended up rowing about HE yesterday. He thinks that she should finish primary first, because she has done so well.

I disagree, so the 'discussion' wink rumbles on.
I hope all of your dc were okay at school.

streakybacon Tue 07-Jun-11 07:21:14

Hi sibs smile

Thinking of you and dd. Sorry to hear the return to school was worse than you'd anticipated. I'll phone later in the week - take care.

devientenigma Tue 07-Jun-11 07:34:04

sibling Of course your not a stalker. I can feel your relief even though you are still unsure. Time will tell. What about doing half days after school hols to ease dd back in??

wendihouse22 Tue 07-Jun-11 09:32:57

Morning Sibling..... Glad dd had an "okay" day. My son had one too, which is a big achievement and (family) life was sweeet last night, as a consequence.

My son's learning stopped last year. He's now way behind his peers but amazingly, in the last couple of months, (being assessed for Statement Review), he'd managed to claw his way up and actually achieved a lot in a short space of time. I actually think if he didn't have ALL THIS, he's be a very clever (academically) little boy. And he can still bring me to a standstill with his "take" on things, his logic, his seeing things others don't even notice. Love him!!

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