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ds1 is becoming much more violent

(24 Posts)
northernmonkey Thu 26-May-11 10:57:38

And i'm really struggling to cope with it now sad

Brief background is that he has ADHD, tourettes and autistic traits.
He's always been violent but he's 10 almost 11 and its getting worse.
I am physically sore and dd and ds2 are fed up of getting hurt.
After years of begging for help, finally a social worker came and have agreed to refer him to a befriending scheme so we can have a bit of respite, which is great news.
But she also deemed it was unsafe for him to share a room with ds2 and that ds2 has to share with me.
I'm tired because ds1 doesnt sleep. DD has enurisis and ds2 is now in my room so i hear every move he makes sad
And now to top it off ds1 is getting much worse (has been progressivly getting like this since i moved into this flat) and threatend to jump out of the window yesterday. He wanted to smash my skull yesterday and my arms and back are so sore sad
I wish i could have more help and i wish i didn;t live in this stupid flat with neighbours threatening to get me evicted sad

Sorry for the rant

cheeryface Thu 26-May-11 11:22:05

wish i had the answer for you but i just wanted to say how much i sympathise. my ds2 has recently become violent towards me and he is 12 . he is also constantly threatening to jump out the window and kill himself etc
we dont have any dignosis at the moment as we are STILL waiting for a psychologist but have a social worker coming to see him today after school ( he doesnt know yet )
i have been wondering whther it could be add , aspergers allsorts although he really wasnt bad when he was younger so i dont know.
my neighbour next door is a complete nutter and shouts obscenities to us through the wall. the other side neighbours are lovely but i would not choose to live here really.
i am northern too btw manchester area smile
at the moment i have been reading everything i can on positive thinking and ordered a cd that is supposed to brainwash you somewhat lol it has helped a bit , that and moaning to my RL friend all the time !

northernmonkey Thu 26-May-11 12:32:09

I know, there really is no answer is there sad It is nice to be able to vent on here sometimes, i tend to do it the most when times are very hard.
I hope the social worker goes well for you. This is the 3rd time for me and only the 1st time they've offered help, its hard to get it sad
I used to live the other side of the penines (outside of sheffield) but now i'm in Brighton.
Must admit the services down here have been much better than they ever where up there, but we're not were we want to be yet.

cansu Thu 26-May-11 16:37:00

Is there any chance that getting some medication might help? I only say this because ds1 ASD aged 9 was getting very aggressive but has calmed down massively since being put on Risperidone. We had to go through a psychiatrist but it has changed his and our lives.

northernmonkey Thu 26-May-11 17:52:22

He's on meds but it still happens.
His psychiatrist wants to stop them though, so god knows what it will be like after sad
I just wish i could change our situation. I have so many regrets from the last year sad

Agnesdipesto Thu 26-May-11 18:26:41

I think there is something called the challenging behaviour foundation or something like that who offer advice / support / training etc

The room thing is ridiculous - what kind of housing are you in? If you own it and could build another bedroom / extend then ask social services to assess you for a disabled facilities grant - you could also look at something like a safespace. Having a child sleep with you long term is not a solution. Social services should arrange for an OT connected to social services to do an assessment or you could ask CAMHS to support an application for DFG. Be aware it would take months if not years to actually get a DFG and get the thing built.

northernmonkey Thu 26-May-11 18:57:42

I dont own, i'm in rented, and i'm in no financial position at all to move. I have applied to local housing but the chances of me getting a house is very slim.
I will google the challenging behaviour foundation and see what it comes up with, thanks for that

MABS Fri 27-May-11 15:01:05

Northernmonkey, text me, fancy a drink one eve with me and Custy? xx

Tortington Sat 28-May-11 20:09:01

yes yes

oodlesofdoodles Sat 28-May-11 20:49:59

Northernmonkey that sounds really hard. Does taking more exercise help with his behaviour?

justaboutWILLfinishherthesis Sat 28-May-11 21:05:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justaboutWILLfinishherthesis Sat 28-May-11 21:06:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GRW Sat 28-May-11 21:30:59

If you can get your social worker to write to support you in your application for a house, the Housing Association may give you priority in view of your child's special needs. You may then be able to apply for a DFG for a safespace or bedroom for him.

my3beauties Sat 28-May-11 22:14:42

This happened tonight
Dont know why I namechanged I just feel silly

smugtandemfeeder Sat 28-May-11 22:22:08

oh no poor you, that is awful. so sorry that happened tonight after everything that's happened recently. Are social services helping? sending more hugs.

my3beauties Sat 28-May-11 22:41:23

They're not really helping anymore than i said in my op, so no.
Thanks for the hugs, i need them tonight.

Just wish there was more i could do really.
I want to help him so badly but he just wont let me sad

TotalChaos Sun 29-May-11 00:03:18

sorry you've have had such a terrible day.

MABS Mon 30-May-11 08:53:29

how are you doing? x

northernmonkey Mon 30-May-11 12:03:33

I'm ok today MABS smile
I've decided to take them off to my mums for a couple of days, so a change of scene should do us good.
I will text you if I need you though. Thanks x

MABS Mon 30-May-11 13:38:36

good idea re change of scene x

MABS Sat 04-Jun-11 12:24:55

how was the break?

runningonmt Sat 04-Jun-11 13:34:54

"Agressive behaviour is not acceptable behaviour" ... use this as your mantra, vocalise it, then walk away. My experience is that children are agressive because 1) they can, 2) it gets immediate attention 3) it is learned behaviour from parents or peers. Sorry if no3 upsets any one and I am not suggesting that you are battering your kids at all but i realised that when I reached the end of my teather and reacted in an agressive way to my childs behaviour (smack on the backside) I was actually teaching him it was an acceptable reaction to my own frustrations. . . . back in a min

runningonmt Sat 04-Jun-11 15:15:49

sorry ..... back again. My DS has ADHD too and his agression has been a real issue in our household. If I walk away he will follow me and throw things at me or punch or kick me in the back to prevoke a response from me. I tell him (as calmly as i can under the circumstances) that I know he is frustrated by something but hitting me is not allowing me to listen to him, and when he has calmed down I will be able to help him but until he is calm I have to walk away. He soon learns that agression gets him no-where fast.

Please remember that your child is only trying to use agression as a form of communication - you have to teach them that they can communicate much more effectively in other ways. Remember to heap praise on them when they use an alternative to when they would typically use agression - go over the top if you need to so that they get much more feedback for doing the right thing and try (as much as you can) to ignore the wrong stuff. Your attention is their reward - use it constructively and they will learn that it is better for them to do the right thing than the wrong. Agression is also a very impulsive reaction to strong emotions. 10years going on 11 in my experience is a big hormonal time for boys and we all know testosterone is responsible for a lot of aggressive behaviour. This is by no mean fool proof but if it reduces the incidents you are gradually winning the war (one battle at a time).

Please try to get some time off for you ..... if you get a break you are much more able to have the strenth to use the above tactic. Dont expect miracles overnight - some weeks will be more successful than others and they may regress from time to time but stay consistant and it will get better I promise.

runningonmt Sat 04-Jun-11 15:36:39

By the way - I called social services last year and they asked if there were any other siblings in the house - when I said no they were not able to help me - aparently if he hit other children and they were at risk they would step in but as it is just me they can/wont help .....!!!!!

If i was being battered by a spouse/another adult I would be able to leave them alone and seek refuge - you are not able to leave a 10 year old in full melt down therefore you feel trapped. It is a catch 22 situation and you really have not only my complete sympathy but my complete understanding too.

You have a responsibility to ALL you children to keep yourself safe as well as them.

Dont threaten to call the police and then not follow through - do you have a local community police officer that may have a quiet word with your DS (when he is calm) to explain it is his job to keep everyone safe including him, your other kids and YOU and if your DS is threatening their safety he may have no alternative then to remove your DS from the home until he can be safe. If your DS is able to comprehend that this is for everyones benefit and not a punishment it may help him to control his agression a bit more.

Make sure he understands that this is not to punish him but to keep everyone safe. It sounds to me that punishing him is the last thing he needs - he has enough problems as it is without punishing him for something he is not necesarily fully in control of. A thousand hugs to you and ALL of your family.

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