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problems with dd1, please advise

(17 Posts)
CherryMonster Fri 14-Jan-11 23:19:38

ok, this might be long. here goes....

dd1 will be 6 in march. she is in year 1 at school and has been having problems since she started there. she was fine until she started school, strong willed and difficult, but its only since she started school that her problems have really begun. she has been on a fixed term exclusion 3 times from school due to violence towards staff. these incidents include biting her teacher on the arm, knocking someone over which caused a broken elbow (she maintains that this was an accident, and i believe her) and kicking her TA in the leg. incidents have been less frequent since she went into year one, and also seem to be less intense.

there have been problems with homelife, in that i threw her dad out when she was nearly 3 due to him being violent towards me. he now has a new partner and a baby daughter, and lives not far away. until 6 months ago, contact with her dad was sporadic at best, and pretty much non-existent at times, however in the last 6 months, she has stayed at his house every single weekend, along with dd2 who is nearly 5. she idolises her dad, and thoroughly enjoys her visits to him.

things are quite good at the moment, apart from sometimes at school. her behaviour has been improving, she is no longer getting as violent, and seems better able to calm herself down when she does get het up. she is also no longer rampaging round school, screaming, shouting and knocking things over. she is an extremely bright little girl, but her schoolwork has been below par due to her disruptive behaviour, she is now beginning to catch up.

over the last 6 weeks or so, she has started wetting herself on occasion, usually at school, but more recently at home too. she is still dry at night, but wets herself sometimes in the day. today at school she went to the toilet, but due to messing around, managed to wet herself in the loo's, and then defecated and smeared it on the walls.

i am at the end of my tether really, she has never done this before, has been reliably dry day and night for nearly 3 years and i dont know what made her do that today. life at home is ok at the moment, she gets plenty of attention, and there is nothing bad going on.

please help me?

CherryMonster Fri 14-Jan-11 23:40:33

please sad

giraffesCantDirtyDance Fri 14-Jan-11 23:41:21

I wish I could. Just saw your post in chat to look here. I am not sure but dont want to go unanswered. I think it sounds like something is going on for her thats making her behave like this? Does she have a diagnosis of anything? It doesnt read like it from your post.

Maybe try GP?

Sorry am no help, hopefully someone will be along soon.

CherryMonster Fri 14-Jan-11 23:46:36

no diagnosis as yet, i originally thought ADHD, and have completed a "connors scale" as have schoo. but now i am thinking its more like aspergers due to the violent outbursts. she is constantly on the go, never stops moving, even when she is asleep, has never had any speech delays, in fact her conversational skills right now would match that of any adult. the thing which concerns me most, is that although she displays all the same behaviours at home as she does at school, they are much, much less extreme at home.

i have had major issues with the way school deals with her behaviour, they seem to treat her like a much older child a times, and exclude her from most activities (school trips, pe, assembly) the trips annoyed me most as both times i offered to go along to keep her under control.

giraffesCantDirtyDance Fri 14-Jan-11 23:48:44

Ah so likely to be a SN of some sort rather than an extreeme reaction to school, its just the SN seems to present itself more intensley at school?

I really dont know what I am talking about sorry blush Hopefully tomorrow you will get more reolies, its late now.

CherryMonster Fri 14-Jan-11 23:49:21

thats what i thought. oh, i forgot to add, her father has ADHD.

tryingmybest13 Fri 14-Jan-11 23:50:41


Can you see your GP as giraffes say and get a referal to CAHMS? Has the school got her on an individual education plan? What's their view of her triggers for behaviour? What's dd's thoughts?

You might try a charity called young minds (google it) - I've heard good things about them re: kids' mental health etc. They have a helpline for parents.

tryingmybest13 Fri 14-Jan-11 23:52:06

Ps when I say mental health not impying anything; but if SN and she is stressed it might impact on her behaviour?

CherryMonster Fri 14-Jan-11 23:54:04

she has already been referred to camhs. she has been seen 3 times so far, and they are currently evaluating that "connors scale" that school and myself have both completed. she does have an IEP, as well as a risk assessment. there dont appear to be any set triggers, she can be set off by anything and nothing. she wont talk about what is going on. i will add that when she has a violent outburst, once she has calmed down she will apologise without prompting. she is also a very, very affectionate child, especially towards adults.

CherryMonster Fri 14-Jan-11 23:54:52

dont worry trying, i already have one SN dx for ds2, so i know what you mean.

tryingmybest13 Fri 14-Jan-11 23:56:53

Yes sorry I typed my first post before your second post had appeared.

shodatin Sat 15-Jan-11 00:29:21

Deterioration of behaviour and wetting seem to have co-incided with birth of father's new daughter - about six months ago?
Am baffled by poo-smearing incident, which seems angry.
I do hope you get some help very soon.

CherryMonster Sat 15-Jan-11 00:32:05

the original behaviours did seem to coincide with the pregnancy of fathers new partner, but all has been fine for at least the last 6 months in that area. father is turning up every weekend and having both girls overnight, dd1 adores him and always comes back happy. no idea why she did the poo smearing today though, that is the thing that most concerns me i think.

shodatin Sat 15-Jan-11 00:46:02

I think it would be natural for her to feel jealous of the baby, and not know how to discuss this with you, but sorry I can't think of anything positive to suggest, poor child.

ToffeeChristmascake Sat 15-Jan-11 01:02:48

You are having such a tough time. I'm so sorry.

The violence is a concern, but it is a good sign that your daughter is learning to calm herself down and to control her behaviour. It is also good that she is doing better at her school work.

The poo-smearing thing is worrying, but sometimes children do bizarre things. My son and his friend once pooed together in my son's bedroom, then hid the poos in various receptacles shock. I spent some time crawling around on my hands and knees, following the smell of poo. I don't think I arranged another playdate for some time afterwards.

In your daughter's case, it naturally sets off alarm bells in you, but it may just be that she was playing around with something she doesn't find disgusting yet. Or maybe she finds it disgusting and was deliberately smearing the school walls because she hates the way she feels at school. I would keep an eye on it and be more concerned if this turns into a pattern of behaviour.

I'm afraid there are no easy answers to your OP. It could be that your DD has behavioural issues because of the violence of your ex-partner (did she witness this?), the disruption of the split, no contact with her dad for several years, then a reunion coupled with the birth of a half-sibling. However, you could agonise over all this and then find out that she has special needs such as Asperger's or ADHD. Or none of it may apply.

I think the most important thing at this stage, when you don't really know what you are dealing with, is that you are getting good support and help. It is a shame that you and the school do not agree on how to deal with her behaviour. You do need to feel that you are on the same side. Could you arrange a meeting with the SENCO to discuss their reasons for excluding your daughter from so many activities and their proposals for including her again? Maybe you could suggest helping out again.

Are you happy with the help you are receiving from CAMHS? You can always request to see a different professional if you are not happy with the person you are seeing at the moment.

The other thing you could do is keep a diary of her behaviour. That might help you to see if there is any pattern to it.

Sorry not to provide you with any magic answers. I wish I could.

earwicga Sat 15-Jan-11 01:27:33

Is there any domestic abuse going on in your ex's house?

I hope CAMHS can get to the bottom of this. I would phone them and ask them to start putting more work into your daughter.

CherryMonster Sat 15-Jan-11 12:08:59

thank you. i dont know what is going on at ex's house, we never discuss it, and his partner is not friendly with me. when i say not friendly, we say hi in the street and we discuss the girls when they come to collect them, but no more than that. ex is quite chatty and easy to talk to but he is always with his partner.

i am happy with the level of input from camhs, her caseworker has been ill so she hasnt been senn much since before christmas, but she is better now, and as soon as she has the info about the connor's scale, and has done a school observation i believe she intends to see dd1 fortnightly.

i am not organised enough to keep a diary, i have 4 kids, one with already diagnosed special needs who has quite severe sleep issues. most of the time i am sleep deprived, often getting 4-5 hours a night, and during the day rushing around like a mad thing trying to sort things out.

the reasons that school have given for the exclusion of activities is that she is too disruptive, she needs so much attention that the other children seem to miss out. i think the main thing i want is to know exactly wha is wrong so that i can go to the school and tell them that its not her fault, she has extra needs and they need to stop excluding her, and actually get help to deal with her.

i have suggested many strategies to deal with her behaviour, things that work for me, and while some of the teachers have adopted them, most have not. she needs them to be consistent, like i try to be at home.

there is one observation that has been made to me, by both the ed psych, and her camhs worker. they both said (away from dd1) that it sounds like she needs the extra attention rather than just wanting it.

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