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-NEW HERE - AS and how to deal with other parents?!

(10 Posts)
timsmama Tue 11-Jan-11 19:46:55

Although I have had a couple of posts on mn before, I am new to the special needs forum.
I think this might be a long post as I have been bottling it up for a while...

I have been having severe problems with ds1 (3.75) for quite a while, to the point of near nervous breakdowns. I have very little contact to other parents as meet-ups were always very stressful due to ds1 behaviour.

I have spent the past year or so going from place to place trying to get help and find out why he is the way he is and were told that it's just his personality/because our children are so close in age/and other reasons which to me just did not explain anything.

In September he started nursery and everything completely escalated. On top of that, his nursery dealt with it appallingly. Rather than finding out what the problem is (getting help from somewhere to have a look at him etc) they simply called me to pick him up. Of course that way nothing was solved and the next day I had to pick him up again...All the nursery did was tell me every day how he behaved badly and how they were at their wit's end, but made no suggestions how to proceed whatsoever. End of november we made the decision not to send him back to nursery.

I made a few more appointments with different doctors and finally one (a children's neurologist and psychiatrist)said that he is quite certain that he has AS. All of a sudden a lot of things make sense. He will now get a statement and go to an integrative nursery once a place comes available. That might not be until summer though and the dr said how (obviously) important it is for ds1 to have regular contact with other children.

we had one playdate today, and luckily dh was around too. otherwise it would have ended before it properly started. Now, we would really like to make this a regular thing with this boy, the mum already suggested ds1 should come around to their house next time - and we are so unsure how to deal with other parents. do we tell them about ds1' AS? or do we risk them not wanting to meet up because he is a "bad child" or would knowing the diagnosis drive them away? we are just so unsure.

btw, we live in Germany and here not many people have ever heard of AS.

Sorry this has got SO long. I would love to hear of your experiences and suggestions!

Marne Tue 11-Jan-11 20:02:05

Hi, i have a dd(7) with Aspergers and a dd(4.9) with Autism.

I have found its best to be honest with people and if dd1 is going to be playing with another child/playdate i tell them that she can be a little bit sensitive due to her Aspergers. Most parents are understanding but there are one or two who are a bit wary (due to the fact they don't know what AS is).

When dd1 was your DS's age she was a night-mare if another child came to our house (very bossy and got upset really easily), playdates often ended early. When i took her to play at another childs house i was shocked, she behaved so much better than she did when a child came to our house.

I think it will do your ds good to have a friend that comes over regular (once a week) to play and in time it will become easier. If you can explain AS to the child's mother then at least they will understand why you ds is like he is rather than thinking he's naughty.

timsmama Tue 11-Jan-11 20:17:32

Marne, thank you so much for your reply. I cant tell you how good it feels to hear from someone who understands!!!

SauvignonBlanche Tue 11-Jan-11 20:20:58

Hi there and welcome!
It's a minefield. Am busy cooking dinner but will get back to you later.

SauvignonBlanche Tue 11-Jan-11 21:00:13

I have found through bitter experience that it is better to say something, I like Marne's suggestions, they're very good.
Can you get any info/leaflets, in German if necessary to give to people?

Marne Tue 11-Jan-11 21:08:29

In the uk you can get cards (explaining autism), maybe you could get something similar in Germany (or make your own). I think its important for parents to understand that your ds cant help the way he is and its not down to poor parenting, parents are quick to judge when they see a child not behaving (which makes me angry).

Things will get easier as he socialises more, my dd1 now goes on play dates and has friends over (i can even let them go and play up stairs on their own), she still struggles a little with sharing and not winning games but is learning to control herself (not scream her head off).

timsmama Tue 11-Jan-11 21:26:21

I like the sound of leaflets, will have a look if we can get them here!

ds3 is just waking (4months) so must go and may be a while wink

will check in again tomorrow

Oblomov Tue 11-Jan-11 21:54:00

Welcome. WE are having ds1(7) assessed for Aspergers at the moment.
Totally understand everyhting you say.
Have a word with the mum before. Nothing complicated. If they don't wnat to know or back off from you afterwards, there is little you can do, but hopefully they will be too nice to do that.
Good luck.

IndigoBell Tue 11-Jan-11 22:46:58

Your old nursery sounds disgraceful. Very glad you finally got a diagnosis.

I would def tell people about his diagnosis when appropriate. His behaviour is going to be different. So it's better if they realize why rather than just thinking he's naughty.

Are there any ASD or SN support groups near you? Mixing with other SN children can be great.

timsmama Wed 12-Jan-11 15:24:00

Hi! Thanks for all your replies. Well, we havent got the definite diagnosis yet (we are on the waiting list at the autism institute here), but the doctor who made the pre-diagnosis has a lot of experience in this field.

apparently, the autism institute are about to open a "therapy centre" in the town where we live, and they will be offering help for the children as well as the parents. I think that will be very useful.

Tonight I will have a look if I can find a printable flyer online or something that I can turn into a flyer myself.

I guess if someone would avoid us because of the aspergers, then they are not worth it anyway. That boys parents do seem very nice though.

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