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bloody sick!!!!!!!

(10 Posts)
realisticdevientenigma Tue 04-Jan-11 15:26:16

This is an email that I sent out to the mdt about my prolific school refuser and the fact that the behaviour team planned on coming out today to force him there. This was sent at the beg of Dec:

Dear all,
I have a few niggles about the set up for January.
Although I do agree B should be in school.
He should also be able to feel comfortable and able to express his
The issue about us having a totally different little boy when he
accesses school is disregarded.
It's also the different little boy that he will become that is something
we don't relish.
I have also made a remark about B health this winter, which is
another positive outcome of B not being in school.
I am also not apprehending the exaggerated achievements.
This does not help B or his needs.
A few people have said, and one quite recent, that B will end up
If B doesn't have any severe issues, realistically how can this
However, when it comes to the B we discuss, I can see how.
To be blunt, a child should not be institutionalised for difficulties
the parents and child have consistently highlighted.
Difficulties that have gone denied, contradicted or rejected.

No one replied so before the end of dec I replied by forwarding this and adding:

Dear all,
As no one has replied to this I am replying.
I don't know if you are aware of the set up for Tue 4th Jan.
The plan to get B back into school.
There has been no meeting to discuss possible outcomes or even if it's
the right thing to do by B.
Over Christmas a few family memebers have noticed the change in B.
With comments of how much he has progressed and how he's not as
Prooving when you remove the principle source of stress from B
life, the change in person he becomes.
I could go on reliterating a host of other possibilities.
However I think further discussion RE B issues must be aired.
Time is not on B side.

I have recieved this today from his head teacher, Judith is he deputy head:

I am sorry that the plans to get B into school today have not
proved effective. I also understand that the BATS team are no longer to
be involved with B. I know Judith has had a conversation with you
about this. B has the right to attend school to help him learn and
have time with his friends and I know we are all working hard towards

However I do feel I must challenge your assertion that coming to school
is B principle source of stress. As we have discussed many times
this is not obvious to people who see him in school on a regular basis
when he is happy and settled and this has I think been borne out by the
ease with which he comes to school when school staff come to pick him
up. Whilst I am of course pleased that family have seen an improvement
in B it would be lovely if they too could see what a happy
contented young man he is in the classroom.

In relation to a meeting whilst of course issues and concerns and a way
forward need to be discussed however we do seem to spend a great deal of
time talking about the same issues which then don't result in an
improvement in B attendance. Lets hope a New Year brings an
improvement for you and B.

Obviously foaming I have replied with:

This is the first I have heard RE the BATS team no longer being involved.
Now you are well aware of the conversation with Mrs Moore this am, you will also be aware of the conversation between Mrs Moore and
Resulting in B being upset, anxious and tearful.
You have the right to challenge just as we have the right to advocate for B.
Other family members have seen B in school and agree how anxious and stressed he is.
I have also had this confirmed by carers.
I have my opinions of school and B during the irregular support.
However if this could of been more regular, I wonder if it would be the same senario?
In the past 3 members of your staff were ineffective with their support.
I agree meetings about B are fruitless as there is too much conflict and rejection of B's issues.
As for the improvement seen by family members, the only difference to B life is his lack of school attendance, which has
significant this school year.
If B was happy and content in school, he would happily go.
If school acknowledged some of the issues Brynley has in school, maybe Brynley would not refuse to go or refuse to dress.
B has told members of your staff and extended multi disciplinary staff he is scared.

I am at the end of my tether with this, something that has gone on for years!!!
Please tell me I'm not doing wrong TIA x

brandy77 Tue 04-Jan-11 15:36:59

oh god how terribly sad sad

ive a feeling this is how things will turn out for my son ,aged 6,who i have extreme problems getting to school, like today sad

I dont know your full story and am only just experiencing the lack of support and hurdles you have to jump through for your childs benefit. I told my gp today that i feel i will end up having to home tutor my son.

my sons school say the same, that when i manage to get him in he appears fine. there idea of fine is him sitting there being really quiet, not working and fidgeting all the time and then i pick him up and he explodes! his attendance is getting worse, a lot is due to medical probs but half of it due to refusal to go to school

I hope im not posting the same thing as you in a few years time.xx

Ineedtinsel Tue 04-Jan-11 16:24:44

Have you considered another school??

I only ask because we have had trouble getting Dd3's school to acknowledge that she has any issues [poss ASD]. They have been told by numerous proffs that she has issues, but they continue to tell me that she is fine at school.

It took her until half term to settle this year and she has been stressed before xmas.

I have come close to moving her this year and am still wondering if this might be the best for her.

The HT and teachers always tell me she is fine at school but some days she is grey when she comes out and is so uptight she cannot speak.

Sorry but I can't offer any advice, I wish I could and then I would know what to dosad.

Al1son Tue 04-Jan-11 16:42:27

When will it become common knowledge amongst professionals that children with ASD often hide their anxiety in school and work hard to appear 'normal'. My daughters are both just like B and they don't call attention to their anxieties because they can't cope with the resulting conversations. It's easier to keep your head down.

Have you read any of Tony Attwood's books? You may be able to find something in them to back up your feeling that B is not fine. He talks often about children hiding their true symptoms in order to fit in.

You might want to ask MN to edit your post to remove his name.

brandy77 Tue 04-Jan-11 17:52:33

ineedtinsel, yes my mum has mentioned this to me about schools, thing is his school classes are small, 20 kids, the local schools are all very large with over 30kids a class and i honestly dont think he would cope, not just with the classes but with the whole change of school. i think it would possibly make him worse.

there is a special school a couple of miles down the road that caters for all special needs kids from physically disabled through to children on the autistic spectrum and severely autistic, adhd, emotional problems etc. ive looked at the website and it sounds like the curriculum is so differentiated to every childs needs, but you need a statement to access the school and i dont know wether my sons problems would be considered severe enough.x

sorry i havent given you any advice smile

Ineedtinsel Tue 04-Jan-11 19:08:13

Al1son... I have read Tony Attwood's Complete guide to aspergers, I have gone through the book and stuck post it notes on the pages that are particularly relavent to Dd3.

I have often felt tempted to take it to meetings at school, but I still don't think that would make them take Dd3's issues seriously.

I did mention it to the lady at CAMHS and she seemed interested that I had bothered to do some reading around the subject.

I think Dd3 hides her difficulties very well at school but I also think that because she is doing ok academically school are not looking too hard.

Brandy77.. I know what you are saying about class sizes, they are around 26 at Dd3's school and she is mostly invisible so any more and I don't know how she would cope.

I have often thought about Home Edding her but I really need to work, I think it would put such a financial strain on us that it would be bad for DP and I.

I wish there was an easy answer, sadly there isn't and we have to keep plugging away for the sake of our kids.

realisticdevientenigma Tue 04-Jan-11 20:15:51

lol, didn't realise I had left names in!!
His class size was 7 kids including him, now it's gone to 10. He's in special school. Unmanagable for him. He has told staff and us he doesn't like the noise, he doesn't like friends etc. I have observed him in school and he is very anxious. At playtime he sits out and doesn't play or talk to anyone. The child that has no needs in these emails, is also severe learning disabled, down syndrome, heart condition, lung problems, sight and hearing probs, sensory processing disorder, mobility issues, dxd traits of asd, adhd, ocd and odd. Some profs involved he should be dx with asd so he can access help for this, changing his statement!!
Impacts for him is his cardiologist states from a heart point of view not to be too stressed!!! They also change him to skate shorts, doesn't matter what the weather, then when he's sitting out on the cold, wet floor, he's getting chest infections leading to pneumonia, obviously recorded by hospital each year. This winter with him not being in school, he is only on his 2nd dose of anti b's.
The fine child in school is also able to take medication in school, until last year when the hospital phoned the school nurse to ask how she gives him this as they couldn't, she replied..........I can't!!!

siblingrivalry Tue 04-Jan-11 20:33:22

I second everything Al1son says. I have followed your posts about your ds and I'm so sorry the school has been so crap.

It makes me so bloody angry when schools trot out 'he/she is fine/happy etc when he/she is here'.
We removed dd1 from her first school and home-edded her for a while because she was self-harming and was utterly depressed and withdrawn. She sobbed every night and as soon as she woke up each morning. It was all school related.

I told school all the issues she had (sensory/routine etc) and they did bugger all. HOWEVER, she was 'fine' and 'settled' when she was there apparently hmm

Once removed from school, she stopped self-harming and became much happier.

OP I hope I'm not hijacking, I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and that your problem with the school is, unfortunately, all too common sad

Have you thought about your next step? x

WetAugust Tue 04-Jan-11 20:42:14


I've said this before and I don't apologise for saying it again - "You are playing into their hands by describing him as a 'school-refuser'". The reply you received confirms that's how they view matters when they speak of 'improving attendance'.

You need to start wondering WHY he doesn't like school and work on putting that right.

Does the Statement adequately state ALL his difficulties? Does the support spceified address each specific issue? If the support stated in the Statement is adeqaute then is it actually being delivered. If it's inadequate then request a review of the Statement.

Is there another special school he could attend?

You may think he is better while at home and removed from what you consider to be the stressful situation within school. Relatives, as you say, may endorse your view. However, your child must attend school so, short of withdrawing him and home-edy=ucating, you need to weither improve his current school environment or find a more suitable placement.

If don't consider this schoolis 'mangemable' for him, what would be? What adaptions would be required to make school manageable. You need to be very consryctive in making your own proposals to them and pushing them to make the adaptations your child requires. Simply telling school that it's 'stressful' and school disagreeing is not going to move matters forward.

realisticdevientenigma Tue 04-Jan-11 20:50:05

sorry, wet and thanks, must remember about the school refusal!!
Busy playing on xbox with the kids at mo so will answer all later.
Sibling you are not hijacking!!

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