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Reassure me that you too have blubbed when speaking to a professional

(35 Posts)
Lougle Thu 23-Dec-10 16:54:02

I had the learning disabilities nurse on the phone today. It has been a tough month with DD1. I ended up crying, and asking him if he thought it was my parenting.

I don't know if I can do this. I have no idea why DD1 is the way she is. I just want to enjoy her. I want answrs, soluitons. I am exhausted by it all.

Al1son Thu 23-Dec-10 16:58:09

More than once and I'm sure it's going to happen again at some point. It's crucifyingly embarrassing but logically it can only help really. They get to see the impact your child's difficulties are really having on you.

Spinkle Thu 23-Dec-10 17:05:04

Me? cry in front of a professional? Nah
<uncrosses fingers>

I grizzled to a hideously young GP once. She looked about 12 and had braces on her teeth. She mockingly referred to the vest I was wearing whilst listening to my chest (i.e completely unrelated) and I grizzled.

She tried to tell me I was depressed.

I told her in my scary teacher voice (that is, after I'd recovered my composure) that I wasn't depressed but was SHATTERED and a touch ANGRY.

StarlightWonderStarlightBright Thu 23-Dec-10 17:06:48

Oh Lougle It isn't just you. Really. It's so draining this time of year. Lots of our children have faced crazy challenges this last term, and for many it was their first.

Add to that the pressures of Christmas......
And you haven't been well.....
And we all have financial worries.....

Even for parents with NT children this term is a challenge, especially with a new school, new routine, new system (so I'm told anyway).

It will get a bit better, when the days start to get longer, and warm up a bit, and the school and school system is more familiar.

You love your dd and I love hearing about her little determined ways which although hard work for you make me smile at such character and personality.

I hope that her deterimination stays with her and helps her seek out and get happiness in her life, because I'm sure it could. Maybe you could help focus her, and use it to motivate her to learn the skills she needs, although I'm quite sure you do this naturally.

You're allowed to have days when it all goes haywire and you give up for a few hours, especially in the dark cold depths of winter with few opportunities to make use of the outdoors for running around and additional responsibilities of the holidays, keeping warm, fed and all the stuff that goes with being a Christian and Christmas.

Be kind to yourself. I can't speak for Him of course, but I bet he is pretty proud of you for what you have managed to provide for your dd so far.

Panzee Thu 23-Dec-10 17:07:30

I am a teacher and have been in a few meetings with other professionals and parents. We always bring tissues. They are always used. Please believe that it's nothing to do with your parenting.

IndigoBell Thu 23-Dec-10 17:09:10

Oooh Lougle. Sorry you're having a tough time of it at the moment.

Do you not have a dx for DD1? That makes life way harder

Naught wrong with crying.

Hardly likely to be your parenting that is causing her problems, though.

At this time of year I think we all need to concentrate on taking it day by day.....

bubble2bubble Thu 23-Dec-10 17:19:16

I've lost count of the number of phone conversations with professionals I've ended abruptly because I have to go & bawl my eyes out.
There's a good reason these people always have a box of tissues on their desks grin
You are so not alone

FanjoForTheMincePies Thu 23-Dec-10 17:24:40

I have gone one better, I have cried on every professional, and the nursery Head. I cried yesterday on the Ed Psych, I had too much wine and cried lots on my colleagues at our Xmas night out blush and had a big crying blub at the GPs a while ago.

FanjoForTheMincePies Thu 23-Dec-10 17:25:45

Have also been known to cry in front of parents at nursery and quite a few times on the bus!!

Lougle Thu 23-Dec-10 17:28:54

Thank you all. You are being so kind when I have been so sporadic on this board lately.

I am just exhausted, and terrified that it is going to be like this forever.

DD1 struggled so much the week of the Christmas play, then the following week she came down with a flu/ an ear infection (I think Flu, GP said ear infection). So I had her off school for the last 4 days of term.

Last week we took her to Sainsburys, tried to let her walk around (with harness) it got so bad, rolling and laughing and singing on the floor that I had to just hold her while DH went out to the car to get her buggy.

Same thing this week - took her to the hospital for her piedro boot fitting, and ended up stranded with her singing 'I hear thunder' on the floor, kicking her legs and laughing manically. I had to carry her like a holdall.

I wrote a note to OT about her climbing at home. They were fantastic, and offered to arrange a chair for her to sit in while I do essential kitchen jobs, with wheels, so I can take her with me. It arrived today, and was a total disaster. She got in, then wanted to get out within 1 minute, then out, then in, then used it as a climbing frame. We took it away eventually and she was devastated.

SO the LD team nurse called, and I ended up saying 'I don't know what to do. I don't have the answers. You are all giving me different advice. You are all saying different things. Is it my parenting? Do you think it is me, because if it is, I'd rather you said so, then I could do something about it.'

The LD nurse said that it never crossed his mind that we were at fault, and he can see DD2 & DD3 developing well.

I am defeated. I am exhausted. I am crushed.

intothewest Thu 23-Dec-10 17:30:25

Lougle,sorry you're having a tough time at the moment-you sound like a great mum- and as for crying,oh yes indeed

sparky258 Thu 23-Dec-10 17:35:28

yep-loads of times
i went to a very large and important meeting once-and i got so frustrated that i sat there and wailed.
i was kicking myself as these were the people i was fighting against!
ive burst into tears in the middle of tescos aswell.
i was sitting in a very large busy park one day-by myself and bawling like a baby-while everyone walked past and looked-not a pretty sight.
it would be odd if we didnt cry lougle
its does get better-please dont be harsh on youreself lougle.

fightingtheurgetoscream Thu 23-Dec-10 17:38:00

Aww Lougle - don't worry about getting upset. I nearly always blub in fact dh always says before we go into a meeting 'try to hold it together'. Felt better at one meeting though when HT was in tears about ds before I was!

daisy5678 Thu 23-Dec-10 17:42:39

With a couple of ds's professionals, I am probably seen as stony and 'difficult', because I don't trust them. With most, I am calm and breezy. However, there are two in particular who I absolutely trust and one of them (the CAMHS consultant psychiatrist) often sees me in tears because I feel I can drop my guard with her and I absolutely believe that she has ds's and my best interests at heart. I also see her on my own, without ds, so I guess that means my guard drops lower. I don't think people lose respect for us because of that. I really don't. It just means we're human.

You know I do the blaming myself thing too, and agree it would be easier. But it 99% isn't us - I am starting to believe that now. I reckon it's about 40% kids in general and then the extra 59% disability that causes us difficulties. (Some days more one way or the other, of course). I hope you have a lovely Christmas, Lougle, and can see what a good job you do.

StarlightWonderStarlightBright Thu 23-Dec-10 17:43:09

If you're crushed Lougle you need a break. Is there any way you can get one asap?

I don't know whether things will get better for you, but I do know that it is hard to be positive when there is so much else going on to worry about and contend with. And many of THOSE things will get easier, i.e. weather, light, financial things will become clearer, school run will settle down etc.

For most of us the uncertainty about our dc's future is a constant stress but I will be the first to concede that when you have a dx of a sort you have at least a signpost, if it can't be completely relied upon.

Perhaps try to have a break from thinking, from planning and just concentrate on getting through one day at a time until some of the other things improve and you feel a bit stronger to taken on the burden of the future again.

justaboutmaintainingorder Thu 23-Dec-10 17:53:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wendihouse22 Thu 23-Dec-10 18:08:24

Lougle, this happens to me when I've reached the end of my rope. Poor you.

I think though, that in a way, it helps. So often I try to present an "I'm Ok" front so that people won't think my ds' problems stem from me (as my ex-husband throws at me constantly!). My ds has autism and now, newly diagnosed with OCD.

You need a break.....but I know that getting one is hard.

Get Christmas out of the way (notoriously tough) then, try to get through to just one person. For me, it was (in the 18 month absence of my health visitor) the H.V's assistant, who saw me at my lowest ebb and said "we need to help this woman".

Now, years later, I wake in a cold sweat at night wondering what kind of life he has ahead of him.....high functioning he may be, but I just want him to have someone who cares about him. My greatest fear is his loneliness. We all have our fears. They don't go away but what you need is a diagnosis so that, you can move forward in getting some appropriate help for you child.

Sorry, I've rambled on a bit.

Do take care Lougle. You're not alone, it only feels like it.

Triggles Thu 23-Dec-10 18:13:54

I cried and shouted at DS2's GP when she refused to give us a referral to the paediatrician. She still remembers it obviously, as she mentioned it recently to my DH when he was in for an appointment on an unrelated matter. blush

Although, to be honest, I didn't think it was very professional of her to mention it, as you'd think it was confidential what happens in an appointment. hmm

Triggles Thu 23-Dec-10 18:16:21

Sorry, meant to add that I hope you get a bit of a break - even if it's just a little. I am holding on to a thread at the moment myself, and I know that those little 15 minute breaks I get a few times a day are about the only reason I'm still functional.

Lougle Thu 23-Dec-10 18:24:45

I will get a break. DH is home now until Jan 4th, which is more than my fair share compared to some on here.

I am just so disillusioned. I thought that the chair would solve my problem. It has just created new ones. All I can hope for is that the novelty subsides and DD starts to use it properly.

Justabout - that would be nice.

pinkorkid Thu 23-Dec-10 19:08:37

Lougle, sorry you're feeling so low at the moment. It must have been hard having your hopes raised and then dashed with the new chair for dd.

Please be assured it's not you -it's the situation you're in. And we've all cried in front of professionals at times - me too earlier today, felt sorry for the person on the other end of the phone as none of the problems were her fault. You will get through this and feel more on top of things again. You have achieved a huge amount for your dd already and you will find a way to manage again. And you've really helped many people here on this board - wish I could offer something concrete that would help.

chocolatespread Thu 23-Dec-10 19:11:24

I was always so embarrased that mum's emotions were so close to the surface and it was a matter of pride that I never cried in front of anyone.

This is not, I'm sure, the impression DS2's SENCO has of me, however. It seems I can hardly discuss anything, with her in particular, about anything, to do with DS2 in particular, without bursting into tears. DS2 has this unique ability to make me emotional (although, very often, that emotion is joy and affection).

anonandlikeit Thu 23-Dec-10 20:23:39

yep & tot eh poor lady who works in the shop at ipswich hospital... maanged to hold it all together in a meeting only to burst in to tears when paying for my mars bar! blush

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs Thu 23-Dec-10 22:58:49

yes, weirdly feel teary everytime I have a meeting, mostly hold it together, but have been known to cry on more than one occasion blush I hate it as when i get angry I normally cry instead

chickensaresafehere Fri 24-Dec-10 08:58:48

Lougle,you are not alone.

When the cons paed said dd2 might always need help in everyday life,I broke down in floods whilst dh just sat there stunned sad

Before that,no-one had been so brutally honest with us.

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