My poor baby - I know why she was the way she was

[Lougle]

So last night I posted about my DD and her WIRED behaviour.

Today I went to see the Christmas play.

Very lovely, very thoughtful. 12 days of Christmas. 13 classes, so one class introduced the play and took it in turns to introduce the other classes.

DD1 was in the class that did the 9th day of Christmas. All dressed as Angels.

To minimise sitting around (presumably) the play was organised such that each 'day' was done individually, and the children from each class came in, did their 'day' and then went back to their class. Then all classes came back for the final song and an address by the Head.

On the 9th day of Christmas, DD's class came in. She looked bewildered as they trotted around in a circle, wobbly. She didn't sing, she just looked overwhelmed.

When everyone clapped her hands shot up to cover her ears, and she looked terrified.

She was frantically looking around for us (I think) and when she saw us she just burst into tears. We could hear her crying as she walked back down the corridor It was heartbreaking, but we knew the play wasn't over for her yet.

When she came in at the end, she stood up and looked at us. We gave her big waves, huge 'thumbs up' and signed 'smile' and 'high five'. She looked relieved.

Again though, she found the clapping so hard, hands shot up to her ears, and terrified.

The Head teacher asked all parents to wait for the children to go back to their classrooms for safety, before leaving the hall.

DD1's TA mouthed to us 'are you coming to class?' and we nodded. As soon as the HT said 'you are free to go to the classroooms...' we bolted for DD1's class.

She was HYSTERICAL I don't actually think I have ever seen her quite that bad. She had been crying for around 15 minutes already.

She cowered in my arms, crying her heart out. The TA said that she seemed overwhelmed, and when I told her about last night, she said 'she rehearsed yesterday, so maybe that's why'. The TA was very relieved that I was taking her home and not sending her on transport.

Poor DD continued to cry all the way home. All the way home she was saying 'I not a good angel, I didn't sing properly'. 'everyone laugh at me' 'x & y (classmates) laugh at me. They always laugh. I don't like x, he horrid'. I told her that it was OK to dislike someone, but she must still be kind to them.

I took her to my Mum & Dad's house (DD2 & DD3 were there already because it was only 2 tickets for the performance) because I just knew that I couldn't repeat last night.

DD continued to cry constantly until 4pm

Then she just flipped, like a 2-way switch being flicked, and became just like last night. Manic laughter, kicking, biting, climbing, 'I am big hippo' as she tried to bite with a wide open mouth. Nothing anyone could do. I asked mum to pin her legs down as I took her Piedro boots off, because she back-heeled my Dad (whom she adores) at the weekend.

She was wild. Mum & Dad have a long empty fish tank in their lounge, with a huge wooden lid. She pulled it off, and I only just managed to throw my weight at it to resite it. If I hadn't it would have caused real injury to her. She did that 3 further times.

I tried sitting her on my lap, facing away from me for 5 minutes. She said she really wanted to say 'sorry', so did. But as soon as I let her go, she went wild again.

She stayed the same until she had her melatonin.

She has two more performances to do yet

[kerpob]

Is there any way you could skip the performances lougle - sounds like it was so distressing for both you and your DD?

[anonandlikeit]

ds2 ms primary does quiet clapping. They ahve a number of kids with sn & many of them don't liek clapping so they do two finger clapping. The head always explains and demonstrates at the start of any plays or performances. SHe also says you can wave & sign as vigorously as you like but keep the clapping to a minimum.

Would your dd school be open to such an idea?

[Lougle]

kerpob I don't know what she should do. She said 'I don't like be a fairy anymore' at bedtime. But she may get used to it, and she can't skip every experience she doesn't like, can she

anonandlikeit that is a good idea, I will think about how to raise it with the head.

[intothewest]

I agree with Kerpob-It just sounds too distressing for all of you...and try the 'quiet clapping' next year?

[woolyxmastree]

I just read this thread and am soo sorry your DD had such a tough time, I too would skip further performances.

My DDs show is on thursday, she is exhausted and picking her face worse than usual...even her teacher commented...they are normally rubbish at noticing. Thankfully just one show.

[intothewest]

sorry x posted- she can't skip every experience,but this is a bit different

[Lougle]

I think I might suggest that I go in tomorrow and collect her from school again, so that if she hasn't coped she can just come home with me instead of facing the bus journey.

[catinthehat2]

Is she the sort of girl who could cope with earplugs such as these to take away the harsh noise of clapping? I've used these in factory environments and they really take away a lot of noise.

[SoupDragon]

I'd pull her from further performances.
It doesnt sound like she got anythng positive from it at all - she didnt even want to sing, let along the aftermath.

[Lougle]

That's the thing, though, SoupDragon, she really did want to sing, and was devastated that she didn't. I think the sensory issues just beat her.

catinthehat2, we have some of those, so I could see if she/they would try it. Good suggestion.

[SoupDragon]

Does she want to do it again though? Can she understand/convey that?

I accept that I am talking from the PoV of having only NT children... I'd ask them if they wanted to do it again but that may not be appropriate here. Then I'd put other measures in place like the ear plugs and the idea of quiet clapping for next time.

Poor thing, it sounds like it really spooked her.

[Lougle]

I don't know. She is so very variable. You wouldn't believe from watching her today, that last year she was the only child in her preschool who successfully sang her solo piece. All the other children mumbled, stumbled over words or refused to sing. She, despite having a severe S&L delay, bounded up to the front, dressed as a Christmas Pudding and sang....Christmas Pudding! beautifully with actions.

But today she had to sit with 100 children, and easily 100 adults in a school hall.

I just don't want her to remember 'I didn't sing properly' if she could remember 'I sang the next time' or 'I coped'. I think the ratio is high enough staff:children that if she completely melted down beyond repair they could take her out and do something different with her.

[purplepidjbauble]

If not earplugs, how about ear defenders or earmuffs? you can get white fluffy earmuffs in Claire's which would look pretty and angelic

[5ElvesMooningSanta]

Oh Lougle :( I have tears in my eyes reading this. Reminds me so much of DS2s performance last year.

I would be weary of allowing her to perform again tomorrow, especially if she has been so wired after the past two times she has done it. What about if she just does her performance and doesn't come out for the end part? Maybe her TA can take her somehwere to wind down? Does she like IT or is there a sensory room she can go to?

DS2 is v similar with noises, he has a pair of peltor ear defenders he keeps at school to help this. He often wears them durin assembly, and I could imagine that they will be part of his nativity costume.

[Agnesdipesto]

Or wear an ipod playing the music softly for her so as to cut out the background noise? Bit Grrrr they did not think it through before hand and give you time to find a solution. I know my friends DS has an Ipod at fireworks and it really helped him be able to enjoy it without having to listen to the noise.

[Spinkle]

Me too. Have been there and it's horrible.

If it were me......I'd take her out of the rest of the performances. It's not fair on her.

Have removed DS from the xmas play for the same reason. In fact, he won't even be at school that day!

Hope she (and you) feel much calmer soon.

[Lougle]

I just don't know what to do. DH thinks that although she was clearly disliking the noise, she shouldn't be excluded because she would probably want to join in. I can see his point, but she seems to be suffering the fall-out in other ways.

I am worried that if I speak to the staff, the only real option would be to take her out, which might not be the right option.

[beautifulgirls]

Can you ask her what she wants to do?

[lillybloom]

I don't think she should be made to do the play again.

[catinthehat2]

I just get the impression she enjoys this stuff hugely - Xmas pudding before, singing, excitement, costumes etc,. Seems a shame she has to miss out even if it is driving her wild at the mo.

Can you risk it with Peltors and squashy earplugs next performance? If she accepts that and gets why she's having the noise drowned out, knows that you are in the audience for the next performance (can you have a predetrmined location so she doesn't have to work out where you are maybe), and the TA can take her out if it gets too much - wouldn't it be worth one more shot?

[Lougle]

Well I took DD into school today, and asked to see the HT.

She was very helpful. She is going to monitor DD today, and depending on how she is she will either pull her out altogether, pull her out part way through or let her continue.

She is also referring her to the school's SHIP (School Home Integration Partnersip) so that they can help us to tackle her home behaviours.

Additionally they are reducing her class from the 9 children currently (there were 10 at beginning of the year) to 7, as they have had 2 children from another class move out of area.

So now DD will be in a class of 7 with 4 staff.

[madsadlibrarian]

that's such good news - my DS had similar problems when he was very young and didn't always do the play, but has gradually improved - and last year (year 4) he took part with no major issues. Same again this year.

[SoupDragon]

Fingers crossed it all goes well and she enjoys it.