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Just been beaten up by my 4 year old.........again!!!

(20 Posts)
Mustbetimeforwine Fri 03-Dec-10 16:55:35

Oh christ! Will this never end??!!

Everytime I think my dd has snapped out of her hidiously violent streak, I am always left disappointed and genuinely bloody and bruised. It's becoming a nightmare.

My dd, who was always such a good sleeper has now decided that she doesn't want to go to bed anymore either. GREAT!! we needed that like a hole in the head!!angry

I just seem to be a nervous wreck. Not to say that I wasn't feeling like this not that long ago. I stupidly thought things were improving but, how wrong was I was.sad

She's got so many parties and plays etc coming up in the next couple of weeks and i'm absolutely dreading it. I was before, but since all this has started up again, i'm on the edge, I really am.

My dh and I were going away for 1 day and 1 night next week(that's all!!)and we're thinking we're probably going to have to cancel that due to her behaviour and bad sleeping. Don't think it would be fair on her gran. Another enormous spanner thrown into the works, as dh and I really needed this tiny break away. Can't tell you how much we were both looking forward to this. Haven't gone away on our own for years, as i'm sure most of you can relate to.

Sorry about the length of this rant. Really appreciate some words of comfort right now from people who really understand.

Thanks

Mustbetimeforwine Fri 03-Dec-10 16:57:54

Sorry, forgot my Grrrrrrrrr

intothewest Fri 03-Dec-10 17:02:02

Does she act the same way at her gran's house?It really sounds like you need that break

ghoulsforgodot Fri 03-Dec-10 17:02:52

Hi,
Can you still send her? You may find she sleeps better for her gran. I know DS does this.
You sound like you could really do with a break. One night away will be fine. Give you a chance to recharge your batteries

FanjoForTheMincePies Fri 03-Dec-10 17:07:14

I agree, you deserve it, and she will probably not be like that with her gran!

FanjoForTheMincePies Fri 03-Dec-10 17:07:28

i mean you deserve the break, not the beating!

auntevil Fri 03-Dec-10 17:07:33

I know my DS behaves much better for other people than for me. He saves his best attacks for me as well. Ghouls could be right here, she might surprise you - in a positive way smile

Mustbetimeforwine Fri 03-Dec-10 17:25:56

I really hope she surprises me. Can't see it myself. She does tend to play up for her grandparents aswell though unfortunately. I think it's because she see's them probably more than is average.

Seriously though, nothing seems to work anymore! I take toys away, say she can't do something that she's really been looking forward to. I even pulled the classic "i'm calling santa if you don't start behaving yourself!!" to which she replied" Can i have a word with him?" grin

She starts reception class in january and i'm so worried that the violence has started because usually when it starts at home, it eventually follows at pre school. blush

Has anyone got any tips because i've never been so close to smacking and I really don't want to do that.

sickofsocalledexperts Fri 03-Dec-10 17:45:51

I would never smack, but I would punish. What does she absolutely hate? She needs to be shown - instantly - when she offers violence, that it is a zero tolerance policy. Please do this now, when she is 4 and when beating you up does not actually mean too much harm as you still have a massive physical advantage over her. It won't always be the case, as I'm, learning with my VERY large autistic boy.

Have you tried putting her in her room - not just for 4 mins, but for an hour? Sending her to bed early (take light bulb out of room if necessary), locking her favourite Teddy away?

Or just getting extremely angry, and shouting, does that work? Old-fashioned parenting maybe, but I see nothing wrong with it when a kid is actually trying to hurt her parents.

It has to be something that will show, not tell, that she has done the ultimate wrong. If you don't treat violence as if she has literally just shot the Pope, she will learn that it's ok at school too. I am sorry if I none of this helps, I really would like to help as I have been there with DS. We used to use a hairwash (which he hated) when he was very young. It stopped him being aggressive, something I am extremely glad of now.

TheArsenicCupCake Fri 03-Dec-10 17:50:04

If it were me I'd put in a traffic light system, red and yellow card to go with it and positive rewards and praise.

There has to be a no tollerence on violence put in now adhered to strictly IME as she is only going to get bigger!

All of this will take time and there will be battles over it.. Just keep on .. The angyer you get the quieter your voice.. Until deathly cold

if you search on here there is lots for behaviour management .. The traffic lights and red and yellow card system .. Does work well and was explained to me by a Teir 3 CAMHS behavioural therapist .

Don't feel like you have ever failed in anyway and make sure you get that break.
Gran will cope and you can regroup and rest for a night.

Hth

Mustbetimeforwine Fri 03-Dec-10 17:55:20

Oh believe me, we've done a lot of shouting and being angry. Too much really. I hate it and I always feel guilty afterwards. Judging by your name i'm assuming that you're not going to agree with the experts who say when you raise your voice, you've lost control. In all honesty, I have. Hats off to all those parents who keep calm and don't raise their voices. Seriously though, I don't know how they do it. Everytime I lose my temper, which is rather often, I tell myself i'm not going to lose it like that again. Then the next thing happens and all that seems to go out the window. My daughter would try the patience of a saint. It's bloody difficult to remain calm when your little girl is scratching your face with both hands with a look of complete hatred fills her face.

Sorry to get so heavy, but that's really how i'm feeling.

sickofsocalledexperts Fri 03-Dec-10 18:09:23

Just sending you a private message, mustbetime, as you sound so down.

IndigoBell Fri 03-Dec-10 18:14:12

Can you not remove yourself so that she can't beat you up?

Was at a NAS workshop today - and one of the main things they said was you're not doing you or your child any good by getting beat up

Even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom....

Mustbetimeforwine Fri 03-Dec-10 18:24:50

Thanks sickof-i'll look out for that.

IndigoBell- I've tried that and she doesn't normal follow me, but because she's in complete destructive mode, she will then decide to trash whatever room we were in. It will usually start with fairly innocent pillow throwing, but because that doesn't get much of a reaction, she'll then look for something valuable, breakable etc. She has run off with my mobile several times and just smashed it against the wall. So the short answer to that is no, I can't. It's like she's always ahead of me. She can be incredibly manipulative, which although shows intelligence for her age(been like that for ages), it's also incredibly hard work.

Just need it to stop. I know i've got another mammoth challenge putting her to bed in an hour now and things have only just calmed down!! Bloody hell!

Somebody stop me ranting! I'm out of control!shock

IndigoBell Sat 04-Dec-10 06:44:13

Some people on here have a 'safe room' for their kids. Which as far as I understand it is a room where they can go when they're in meltdown and not hurt themselves or anyone else. Not sure if that would be a possibility for you?

Have you thought about giving her melatonin to help her sleep?

LaydeeC Sat 04-Dec-10 09:27:08

mustbetime
I feel for you sad
you are describing my son exactly when he was four (13 now) and as other posters have said, she will get bigger.
I'm not sure if there are any underlying problems because this is certainly outside the boundaries of 'normal' (sorry) behaviour. My son has AS - and his diagnosis came about because I was exhausted trying to deal with his behaviour.
I also received lots of advice from friends (have you tried, this works for me etc) all of which served to make me feel even shittier as none of the techniques that would work with my dtr worked with my son. The best bit was to provided a padded room for him, wtf!
It is a miserable place to be. I plucked up the courage to go to my GP in the end because, (having a neuro-typical dtr) I came to realise that it was my son, not me, with the problems.
Sorry for such a negative post especially as I don't know the background.

LaydeeC Sat 04-Dec-10 09:30:44

^^ sorry, should explain as just read that back.
When I say it was my son with the problems, I didn't mean for it to sound dismissive. It's just that I realised that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing but nothing seemed to work in the way that it does with my daughter or my friend's children. It therefore became obvious that there were other factors at work which I didn't know about. In our case, it was that my son was autistic and we were trying to apply the parenting techniques that one would apply to nt children with no success.

ouryve Sat 04-Dec-10 15:01:05

We're going through this in a slightly different way with our 4 year old with ASD at the moment. He's gettign quite a sensory hit out of kicking, slapping and even biting. Some of it's when he's bored, in which case, we try whatever works at the time to get past the behaviour then make sure he's stimulated. Sometimes it's because he's over stimulated, so he often ends up in his room for a bit. Other times, it's because he doesn't want to do something, such as get dressed.

We find that he does get stuck in certain behaviours. He started throwing his drinking cup at our heads. I changed it for a different one and it hasn't even occurred to him to throw that one at us, in almost a week. A lot of behaviours are centred around triggers for both of my boys and mixing things up a bit, while a bit tricky at first, usually breaks a cycle of behaviour.

Is there any way you can tweak your daughter's bedtime routine? If there's any activity she has difficulty with stopping close to bedtime, then stop it much sooner and make sure she has a different relaxing activity to ease her over
the disappointment. If the act of getting ready for bed itself starts up the behaviour, then do that slightly earlier, with the promise of some cuddly time or a story or something (so long as she's calm about the getting ready bit) before she actually has to go up. Obviously I don't know exactly how the sequence of events goes, but it's well worth analysing your routine for triggers and trying to remove or at least diffuse them.

mariagoretti Sat 04-Dec-10 19:21:59

I don't have any suggestions that aren't similar to those above. But have been there and it's horrid so didn't want to read and ignore.

mistybluehills Sun 05-Dec-10 16:20:52

Really feel for you. What an awful, draining situation. better times must be ahead of you.

I am relatively inexperienced compared to others here, but want to try to help. It seems like a really simplistic suggestion, but I wondered if there is any way you could get outdoors with her then she is away from hurting you and using up some energy? Might even help her to sleep and give you time to breathe.

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