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Help please

(7 Posts)
dollypolly Thu 02-Dec-10 14:30:08

I'm a new step mum to a 19 year old with ASD. And I'm suffering with a bad cold! I can cope with the 'Getting things sorted' - she's had no help before, and explaining stuff - but find I am being driven mad by the things that shouldn't be so bad, like the contant need to repeat every sentence spoken - the automatic 'what' after every sentence, the inability to speak in any level other than shouting, the inability to close a door without banging it, the repetitive going to the bathroom over and over again in the same hour, bang, bang bang - all those things that make me wish I was back in the peace and quiet of my old house - really impacting on our relationship - need advise please.

TheArsenicCupCake Thu 02-Dec-10 14:43:58

Firstly congrats on being a new step mum

Sometimes dh ( stepdad) finds it easier than I do to cope and some things are harder for him... This is just the way it is and it's totally normal

there are lots and lots of things you can do to help the situations you describe.. However there isn't a quick fix.
But it's great your up for it.
If I were you I'd sit down with your DP/DH and go through the things you think you have a chance at changing...and work through with consistant strategies together until it's at a livable level.

You will become a parrot.. But calm voice and lots of repeating.. And positive reward should help out a lot.

In this house ds has a really loud voice.. So we use hand signals and the term library voice' to remind him to quieten down.. When he did well it was.. " thank you and well done.. You earnt x amount of extra time on your gave thing"
We had to do this loads to start with but now we just use the occasional reminder.

I think tbe best thing to do would be to write a list and we can see what we can suggest..

dollypolly Thu 02-Dec-10 14:58:25

Thank you for your reply. (not sure what DP/DH stand for but guessing) D gets very involved with work and can shut off so we make decisions about how to move forward but he thinks mentioning it is ok and it will be done. So that's part of the problem. I need him to understand that he has to be consistantly reinforcing - so for example his usual come back is 'well I have spoken to her about it' The other problem I face is what to be bothered about and knowing that it's best not to be bothered about everything but being bothered about everything. i like the library voice idea though I'm not sure she would have any idea what that means - she doesn't see things as her problem - the comeback it always HTF is someone expected to do X -
The lack of purpose and the not trying to do something bothers me a lot and being so self centred but the contant banging doors really puts me on edge - I think I need to sort that out as it interupts my sleep and rest a lot.

TheArsenicCupCake Thu 02-Dec-10 16:46:54

Dh/dp .. Sorry dear husband/ dear partner.

It is hard.. And everything without theroy of mind ( or delayed theroy of mind.. It is totally normal to only see their perspective.. Which I think makes things very difficult!

Google social stories and comic strip coversations .. They are a nice visual way of helping our children understand rules.

With regard to the doors.. How about door bumpers? It may work.
Or signs on doors that say gentle etc.

I would have a good browse on the sn board at the add related stuff.. There is loads of ideas on here already.. And keep posting

parenting asd children is hard work.. But the diver linings and the good bits make it truely worth it.

If your step child gets the hang of the library voice.. I'll bet my bottom dollar you'll be on here posting with such pride!

mariagoretti Thu 02-Dec-10 20:55:52

We bought ear defenders for DS... when it gets too much I borrow them for myself. I think TACC's suggestions are a better long term option though

TheArsenicCupCake Thu 02-Dec-10 21:10:48

TACCs suggestions would be better without the typos blush

dollypolly Fri 03-Dec-10 15:43:41

I'll accept any suggestions typos or not. Thank you all, I think I might get some ear defenders too. I like these ideas and will try some out. We tread a difficult line with - why am I being treated like a re***d / child / thicko when we explain things carefully and break things down - and it is true, however much of a non-patronising voice one tries to use it does still sound patronising just cos you are explaining how to tie a shoe lace to someone who's 19, though at least we now discuss learning difficulties instead of living in the land of 'let's pretend it's not here and it will sort itself out' Had discussion with DH (thank you) about understanding the need to repeat things and realised he was expecting that one explaination would do the trick - we've now discussed how many times it might take.
She had no gloves or scarf yesterday and she was very touched by me giving her some - she more than likely won't have any next week either but hey ho!

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