Oh the horrors of the Christmas play!

[Mustbetimeforwine]

Hi everyone.

I'm really stuck with this one. My dd who's nearly 4 possibly has asd and will be in her first christmas play in a few weeks. I have to say i'm absolutely dreading it. I feel like such a terrible mother for saying that. I know I should me excited and proud, but I can't get the image of my dd running around the stage twirling round and round in circles and basically ruining it for everyone else. If she's in the right mood she'll probably do ok, but if she isn't I can picture the scene and it aint pretty!loads of screaming "I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!!" etc. I read one thread with someone saying they wish that children with these problems didn't have to take part. The thing is, i'm not sure how I feel about this. I know all the other mums and dads will be sat there beaming with pride with a packet of tissues. I'm sure i'll have tissues, but for very different reasons.

I'm sure lots of you are having to face this inevitable dilema, so I was just wondering what your opinions were. Also, does anyone have any tips on how to maybe make the whole process go a little smoother. Just to make things more stressful, my dd doesn't like the role she's been given.GREAT!!! It's not girly enough for her and she's very jealous of the girls who got the girly, fairy roles. Most children would just sulk, but because of my dd's problems, she could potentially lose it on the day.

Any comments, advice or experiences much appreciated.

Thanks :)

[tiredmummyneedswineandsleep]

ah feel for you. apparently ds's pre school didnt do a harvest production because of him
im dreading xmas one, he would run riot. must ask tomo what is happening.
i work in an infants dept and since ds was a baby was looking forward to his own nativity, i doubt it will happen
hope your dd has a good day.

[Mustbetimeforwine]

tiredmummy-Can I ask, does your ds have asd?

I think that's the part that hurts so much. You have to adjust from life as you assumed it would be and life as it is. I had all these ideas of how her first christmas play was going to be. I used to get choked just imagining seeing her up there. Now I just feel so anxious.

[tiredmummyneedswineandsleep]

yes mos likely, not got formal diagnosis yet but myself, old private nursery, salt, advisory teache, ed psych, special needs centre and paed all agree the traits are all there. as for his current pre school they said he is the most extreme they've ever seen!
more than likely adhd too.
my heart goes out to you. it's like the childhood and future you imagined has been snatched away.
i feel quite jealous of all the other parents and the parents i know who are going to be beaming with pride at their dc this xmas in nativities.
mine will either be banned or ruin it by shouting, high pitched screaming or running around

have her pre school/nursery said much too you?

just want you to know you're not alone even though it probably feels it.
does your dd have asd? does she have 1:1? x

[Spinkle]

My DS (6, ASD) has not got a part this year. Last year he was a shepherd but at the last minute refused to get his costume on or even go on the stage. He sat at the side in his school uniform. He knew everybody else's words and song long before they did..... I had to sit and watch other people's kids with tears in my eyes from the utter heartbreak I felt (glad it was dark!) And we were furthest from the door and so couldn't escape; 'Whoops-a-daisy Angel' is pretty boring when your kid isn't in it....

I've resigned myself to it now. Still feels like $hit though.

[tiredmummyneedswineandsleep]

ah spinkle my heart goes out to you. i'm so glad that room was dark.
i wontt be able to escape one performance as i work in year one and its one of my set days to work

[sumum]

in y1 my ds just sat lifting his costume over his head the whole time showing his pants to everyone, I was so embarrassed and upset, cried when i got home as he looked so different from the others.

Last year he still just sat not singing or joining in but at least nobody saw his pants.

This year y3 they don't do a nativity - hooray

[tiredmummyneedswineandsleep]

ah sumum feel for you its so hard. one of the reasons i'm wanting ds to go to specialist asd unit is so he doesnt look different.
glad you dont have to go through it this year.

[Mustbetimeforwine]

Yep, my dd would be the one running round and screaming. It's terrible that you should be worrying what other people are thinking, especially in this day and age, but we do. We're only human and I suppose when something isn't the 'norm', people get freaked out.

She hasn't had an official dianosis. We're right at the beginning. She's only been seen by the health visitor, who is torn whether or not she thinks she has asd. Inclusion support came round but dismissed her, saying that her needs were not great enough for their services. Problem is, it's not constant, so it's going to be very difficult to diagnose, whatever it is. It's mainly the social skills that are her problem. She's very overly excited and will assume that a girl or boy is her friend simply because they're in the same room and around the same age. The thing is, she has yet to make a proper friend. She talks about other children and at one point pre school said she was making friends. That was short lived unfortunately. She has yet to have had any invites to parties etc. Heartbreaking isn't it.

What other signs does your ds show besides the squealing and running around, if you don't mind me asking. x

[Spinkle]

I teach year 1/2 too. Happily my DS is a different school, though he did go to my school's nursery but just sat looking after his fluffy sheep in that one (shepherd in that too).

What was worse for me was having to be 'all brave' in front of the other mummies. I don't want sympathy...just a bit of understanding. Seems that I am doubly judged - if you're a teacher and a mum and your kids SN you must be twice a cr@p!

Probably paranoid.

[Mustbetimeforwine]

sorry that last question was for tiredmummy. Didn't realise so many people would be posting

[Mustbetimeforwine]

After reading these posts though, it's good to know i'm not alone. You know that already really, but sometimes you need to hear it from the people who are really going through the same thing.

[chocoholic]

We had the letter to say my DS is a sheep this year!
That is if he will change into the clothes, and there is not a chance he will wear the mask or go near the stage so that is another year of sitting on my lap!

Is it worth asking if she can sit on your lap as an alternative or, can you sit next to her near the stage?

Play time is always a shocker, gone are the expectations of having a proud mummy moment whist proudly watching your child sing or just sit on the stage.
But, I have had proud mummy moment as my DS sings along whilst on my lap, or stands in front of me doing the actions.

Work with them to make it easier on yourself and your DD.

[chocoholic]

Just another thought, have you got someone to go with you?

It is a tough one, and you probably will want to cry with all those other proud parents around but with someone with you it will help you stay strong.

[tiredmummyneedswineandsleep]

ds had delayed speech. talks now but often learned phrases and own agenda. cant have a proper conversation as such.
he can't share with other children, cant interact or play with other children. doesn't see himself as part of a group at all. it's just himself in his own world.
he cant respond to instructions in a group. even on 1:1 basis it has to be clear and visual. he lacks empathy. can push children.
runs around classroom. he will literally run around classroom,touch an activity with tip of his fingers and do same with the next for ages.
he has no sense of danger they had to fit bolts to tops of doors as he could open them all whereas others couldn't and wouldn't try.
doesnt understand personal space and that scares his peers too.
there is probably more. i didnt have to attend parents evening, i meet with teacher every friday to hear how awful his weeks been. something else to miss out on, hearing glowing reports from the teacher. i usually hear how hard he finds it and what awful things he's done.
does your dd start school next year?
i'm dreading ds going. i want him to go to a specialist unit and the places are like gold dust and expensive so doubt the lea will agree.

[Marne]

Hi, dd2 will be taking part in her first play in a couple weeks too, she is going to be a sheep, we have only just managed to get her to go into the hall for assebely by using ear defenders and she doesn't always stay there. I'm not looking forward to it at all . She will be wearing her ear deffenders which will be covered in wool . Dd1 is also in the play and also has ASD but is the oposite to dd2 (loves attention), she has one of the main parts in the play and is very excited.

Good luck to all of you xxx

[Marne]

oh and there are plenty of NT children who can't cope with school plays, there are several in the dd's classes who always break down in the school plays and sports day.

[Mustbetimeforwine]

These specialist units do sound really useful from what i've heard. We're a fair way off thinking about requesting that I think, but it's good to know they exist.

I have to admit, I was really hoping to hear some more positive stories. It is what it is I know, but never the less a little disappointed. Appreciate everyone sharing their experiences though.

Let's keep all our fingers crossed. You never know ey.

[mariagoretti]

sumum, my ds did the costume lift / pants thing too. And its on video cos the school made & sold a dvd of the play. I can see the funny side now so LOL at the thought of hundreds of different Christmas plays with semi-nude dc stealing the limelight...

[borderslass]

when DS was in mainstream [he went to special school full time at 6]
the head who was also the class teacher for 3 days a week gave him 'a special part' in the play we where told to make sure he had dark trousers and white shirt and they'd provide a bit of tartan he was to be a Scottish visitor in christmas from around the world and he started it off after the nativity by bringing a present to the baby Jesus.
When he was brought out they'd gone and got him kitted out in a full kilt he looked amazing headteacher didn't know as one of the part time teachers had taken him out with her to do it.She had a right soft spot for him, his speech was very poor at the time so he couldn't give it away.

[tabulahrasa]

I wouldn't worry about it so much - in a class that age, she won't be the only one running round in circles (if she does)

one child will be ushered off in tears, one will freeze and say and do nothing while staring at the audience, one will say something not scripted and probably inappropriate very loudly, one will sit picking their nose at the front of the stage for the entire play, the person with the most lines will mumble and whisper, one will sing the wrong songs and one will trip over spectacularly

that's what I go for, rofl (my son's the nose picker)

it's her play so don't worry about her ruining it, it's small children performing badly, it's already ruined, lol, just concentrate on her enjoying it - whether that's doing what she's supposed to or not

my friend's daughter (also has an ASD) for her first school assembly decided that the song had the wrong dance, invented her own and steadfastly stuck to doing that in a very sweet and concentrated way on the night - I doubt anyone else noticed though with the chaos that was on stage, lol

it's a bunch of small children all acting oddly in their own way - it's not a west end production, it's supposed to be full of children doing random things, that's the point of them

even if it does go a bit wrong, I guarantee you'll not be the only parent with a child who did something not supposed to be in the play

[OverflowingMum]

Must admit I have mixed emotions about the whole Christmas play/parties/discos/carol services etc...
My 6 yr old DD has aspergers, and finds all the change and disruption at this time of the year REALLY difficult to comprehend. Having siad that she did do OK on stage last year....didnt have to do much, but did stand in the right place LOL
My NT 4 yr old daughter however point blank refused to sing, or join in the angels dance and stood with hands on hips looking very grumpy LOL
I would say try to take it all with a pinch of salt! Try not to make too big a deal out of it.
My oldest daughter (now 11, also NT) was in a pantomime when she was 3, we went to watch. along with loads of friends and family, and she spent the whole 5 mins she was on stage picking her nose At the time I was mortified....but several years on, and many,many school plays/concerts/dance shows later I realise it doesnt really matter all that much at the end of the day.

[OverflowingMum]

tabulahrasa see you have nose picker too! and totally agree with your post!

[Spinkle]

Of course, in the scheme of things it isn't a big deal.

However, when it's your only kid and every christmas you are cringing and cowering instead of beaming it gets kinda tired. I will never get to be 'proud mummy'.

And it's just another 'thing' you cannot do or 'expect' because your kid is not 'normal' like the others.

I know NT kids will act up too. But eventually they grow out of it. My DS will have no 'excuse' the older he gets. The more he will 'stick out' as a kid with a problem. The more he will suffer because he doesn't understand why he acts differently to others.
So, yes - whilst it's a small thing, it's yet another big kick in the teeth how different your kid is.