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Love DH but feel I am only capable carer for DS

(16 Posts)
Smallmonkfish Sat 13-Nov-10 22:26:28

Love my hubby so much. He is fab DH and father.

But DS has so many cares and tonight DH forgot to mix formula with water. So DS got 3 feeds of undiluted formula and started projectile vomiting, was really upset etc.

It's not DH's fault, he's trying to work and support me, I'm trying to look after SN child. We're both knackered, but I feel I have to "project manage" everything, even though I've made my own mistakes.

Just feel I had to rant cos DS was so upset. Worried I'll never be able to let anyone else care for DS.

Anyone else feel similar?

wukter Sat 13-Nov-10 22:34:14

No advice here, but don't want to leave your message unanswered.

I don't know if this is any sort of solution, or just plain ignorant, but might it help if you spent the a few weeks putting together a sort of Care Book? I mean if you get a few minutes doing some task during the day you could write it down, and eventually you'd have a guidebook ready in case someone needs to look after DS in a hurry.

I bet you already have such a thing.

1980Sport Sat 13-Nov-10 22:50:28

I think that all mums feel this way - no one can do it just as well as us, although in the case of an SN child mistakes are that bit more serious!

In terms of project managing you probably will always be doing this but rather than get annoyed celebrate your achievements, pat yourself on the back and look at your ds and think 'wow this is all me - he's getting xy and z because I sorted it all out'

You don't say what age your dc is but I'd say things will get easier!

LegoLady95 Sat 13-Nov-10 22:55:08

It's a huge pressure to feel that way. My DP much prefers it if I write instructions for him regarding the children. Again it shifts the responsibility from him to me though!

mariagoretti Sat 13-Nov-10 22:55:10

Small, from your other posts, you guys have really complex stuff to deal with. Even as the primary carer, it's unusual that you've managed to get to grips with it so quickly. Fwiw, I think your DH will get there. And probably a lot sooner than you think.

It's the pressures, and the fear of the consequences of an error that are making you feel so afraid. But given that most mothers of 'typical' dc moan about their dh not doing the nappy right, forgetting to purée the broccoli etc, yanbu to be fed up.

Smallmonkfish Sat 13-Nov-10 22:56:31

Thanks to you both. DS is only 8 months, 4 months in high dependancy then straight home.

Am pleased with how we're doing, but worried about making mistakes through exhaustion and repetition!

Have various routines written down, but DH typical guy, would no more look at them than ask directions!

Smallmonkfish Sat 13-Nov-10 22:57:40

Thanks Maria too! Makes me feel human!

LegoLady95 Sat 13-Nov-10 23:13:40

It sounds like you are doing a great job.

Smallmonkfish Sat 13-Nov-10 23:17:24

Thanks Lego, bring on the wine! X

wukter Sat 13-Nov-10 23:48:34

<glug glug glug> for smallmonkfish.

Lougle Sun 14-Nov-10 07:36:28

I don't know if it would work, but I take it you get bottled/jarred pre-mixed formula?

You can get bottled/jarred sterile water. I wonder if your DH would find it easier if he just had to remember 'one of those and one of these', or whatever.

My DH is much better if he is told exactly what to do, because then he doesn't feel that he has to make the decision, IYSWIM.

sarah293 Sun 14-Nov-10 07:54:20

Message withdrawn

starfishmummy Sun 14-Nov-10 23:31:00

Instead of long notes could you just put little reminder notes in strategic places - such as "dilute formula" next to where you keep it? you can always tell your dh that they are reminders for you if he objects!

shaz298 Mon 15-Nov-10 08:41:18


I so feel for you. y little one is now 5yrs alost 6 and I don't really let anyone else be responsible for aking feeds or drawing up meds.

I have everything typed up and on the fridge ( feeding regime - LO is tube fed, med times and exactly what he gets and when). I also have details of how to make his feed, as he is on a powdered feed and concentration varies fro day to day.

I do regularly get frustrated because I am IT and get uptight because hubby doesn't know some things I think he should. However when I think about it sensibly, I am at home 24/7 and he goes to work so he can't possibly be expected to have the same volume of information about LO in his head as me.

It is the same if my mum looks after LO. Even though she gets written instructions and medicines are drawn up and feeds made, every single time she gets something wrong! I really struggle to let anyone else look after him, but do try and do it ( though not overnight) for everyone's sanity.

I just really accept that I am responsible now.If I want his feeds and meds to be done properly then I need to do it. The typed stuff is really an idiots guide in case I am unwell ( Happened 2 yrs ago and I ended up in hospital with pneuonia!)

It's still very early days for you. You will probalby find that over tie it all becoes second nature. Let your hubby help but maybe just discreetly 'check' that everything has been made up correctly before it's given. I'm sure your hubby is annoyed with hiself for getting it wrong.

My hubby if he gets it wrong is beside himself and then gets into a vicious circle of not doing things because he's worried he'll get it wrong.

Hugs to you both xxxx

SookieD Mon 15-Nov-10 21:31:55

It's early days I agree. I remember when we were not long home from hospital and had recurring problems with feeding my DS I would get really obsessive about it and would freak if DH didn't do everything the right way.

Looking back I understand that I was living in a state of anxiety convinced something was about to go wrong and responding in a total control-freak way. The reality was that if things were gonna go wrong, they were gonna go wrong.

This won't help just now and obviously doesn't apply to things like meds where precision is required but it'll help in the long run if you can coach yourself to let go a bit - I tried to leave the house or leave the room when DH was doing things because it drove me mad to watch him not do things the way I wanted them done and it can really sour things.

Smallmonkfish Tue 16-Nov-10 00:26:14

Thank you all for the really sound advice.

Guess when you are in this situation it takes so much more than getting used to parenting a special baby, you have to start all over again on all levels.

Shaz, have focused on what you said about DH working and me caring, how can I expect him to know the ins and outs when I'm here all day every day and he's at work? I don't expect each new medic to get all of DS' history the first time they meet him, so why be harsh on DH?

Will cook him a nice meal or something to show appreciation of his help (well beans on toast at any rate, baby permitting!)

Thanks x

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