Please cheer me up

[Aranea]

I am feeling so miserable this morning.

4yo dd1 has just started school, and I have just had a meeting with the SENCo. Dd1 has problems with her gross motor skills and some sensory perception issues (overperceiving movement). She also flaps and stamps when she gets excited. And doesn't like large groups.

The SENCo was very nice and has said she will put her on school action plan (not quite certain what that means). But I feel I am constantly defining dd1 in terms of her shortcomings and then scrutinising everything she does in terms of whether it is a sign of anything. SENCo started asking questions about how quickly she processes information, and whether she has friends, and once I start thinking about it I find she does take a minute or two to respond to things on the whole, and actually has only just started to have friendships and is reluctant to make friends with her new classmates.

I feel really miserable about it. And I've just bitten my mother's head off as I thought she was being insensitive, and she got really upset and then didn't really accept my apology. I just want to cry and cry and I don't know what to do with myself.

I feel as though my mother never says anything positive about dd1. Even when I asked her outright whether she actually liked her, her response was to defend the situation in which she had got cross with her rather than to tell me anything she did like about her.

Sorry for this very self-indulgent ramble, it isn't very coherent I expect, but I just feel horrible. Please come and give me a shake/pat on the back/chocolate cake.

[Aranea]

Gah. And it is actually the afternoon, isn't it?

[Carrotfly]

I feel your pain Aranea.

Its tough isn't it. Thats the kind of response I get from my mum. Although she doesnt mean it ... she just says the wrong thoings and kibda winds me up.

Hey, be positive your DD is starting school and it sounds as though everybody is doing things in a positive way for her.

[Aranea]

Thanks Carrotfly. You're right, the school is great, I suppose I am probably oversensitive to whether my mother is being positive about dd1 because I am frightened that I am seeing all her shortcomings and not her strengths iyswim. Is a horrible feeling. Before anyone raised any questions about her gross motor skills I just felt really proud of her.

Crying now. Bugger.

[southeastastra]

i do think children are over-analysed to early but agree with carrot, be positive!

[Aranea]

I wonder if it will mean that her teacher tends to see her as a collection of 'symptoms' rather than seeing her strengths and interests.

[Carrotfly]

You've set me off blubbering now !

I hope when my son starts school in a couple of years he will have as good a support network in place too.

He's got his own difficulties too, and I'm really proud of him as he's achieved so much but still got a long way to go.

You are so right in that you tend to focus on their negatives, I know I do.

Oh dear, sorry ... I dont seem to be doing a good job of cheering you up much do I ?
... but at least you know there are others out there who know how you feel and you are not alone.

[Shugarlips]

My DD1 is now in year 6 and doing well. When she started in YR I will never forget the teacher following me into the playground after I had dropped her off and told me my daughter had a problem with her concentration span and was clearly not pleased with her. I was so surprised as there had never been any mention of this from nursery and she was able to sit and do quiet activities at home. My daughter was given an ILP (Individual Learning Plan) with targets on for her concentration skills - madness at 4 for goodness sake! I saw the SENCO who justified their actions by saying over half of the year had ILPs! I suggested that perhpas then they were just acting their age and didn't need ILPs! I think this time of year when your child is going to school for the first time is a very emotional time and I can empathise with you. As for mothers - don't get me started!

[DoNotPressTheRedButton]

if your own Mother an't accept and understand why you would be upset then she is unusually unfeeling.

Although myn own Mum cut me off halfway throgh the call to tell her ds3 had been dx'dwith autism and may never speak (he can) with'i'll call you back later, doorbell is ringing'and took 4 days so have learned to dismiss this stuff LOL

Hugs, allow yourself to feel miserable but be aware that in having a helpfulschgool you are fortunate. Get a copr of the SEN Code of Practice (internet/ LEA) to get terms explained and eat all the cake you need. The fact she has started to have friendships is great- far better than the alternative really- and motor skills often come later.

If you do feelr eally worried the best way is to get answers, via a referral from your GP. Whether that would help you is up to you, personally I like definites so took that route, but you know your dd best and she sounds like she is moving forwards which is fab

[Aranea]

Thanks Shugarlips - your 'don't get me started!' made me laugh.

at your mother, RedButton. How awful. I feel a bit bad grumbling about mine now, who was only trying to help really but just managed to rub me up the wrong way. And she's never been very good at accepting apologies.

I have been trying to get answers - been to physio and OT. Personally I think she is dyspraxic but the OT 'doesn't like the term'. I am trying to get to see another OT.

[ohmeohmy]

I have always found the reports and statements and stuff awful reading that focus on what DS can't do really hard to read and they brought out all my protective instincts. Just had to remind myself that listing his difficulties will help him get the support he needs.

I am very pleased that his teachers have always defined him by his abilities rather than his disabilities and also how well he has progressed each term.

Some people just don't 'get' Sn, my dad who has seen DS about 5 times in his life as lives overseas makes comments about how 'difficult' he is when if he listened when I explained his condition he would know that what he perceives as bad behaviour is actually him trying to cope.

[carocaro]

I am crying too. Have just come from a meeting at school about DS1 who is 7 and he's fine, but he got so upset last night as he was teased for 'being thick' He has dyslexia, he has a very positive attitude to school and is very enthusiastic. He is very sensitive to these comments and they really knock his confidence, it's heart breaking.

I don't know why I'm crying, his teacher and TA are great and know him really well even after three weeks. They told me so many things that he is great at, how kind and fun he is and how this morning he described a picture so beautifully. I just want him to be happy and have some self belief that he can do it.

And I'm listening to the Power of Love by Frankie Goes to Hollywood on itunes at the same time, to really set me off. Just having a shite time at the mo, husband redundant, I don't work as have 2 year old (whoose asleep now), I hate feeling lost at sea and stressed about money etc etc ANYWAY back to the subject, must get a grip, have sobbed now feel better, gotta go put on some slap and pick up my dear darling boy from football!!!

[Aranea]

Oh carocaro it all sounds rather overwhelming. Your poor little ds1. I hope the teacher is able to help him by stamping on that kind of behaviour from the other children.

Money stresses just eat away at everything too, don't they?

I hope you feel better soon.

[haggisaggis]

Aranea - I think some OTs don't use the term "dyspraxic". When dd was assessed, I asked the OT if she was dyspraxic and she said she didn't like to use that for dd - said she had Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD). I googled that at home and it really just means dyspraxia. SO try the OT wth "DCD" instead!

[Aranea]

thank you haggis, that is very helpful to know. I will try it.

[Shugarlips]

Aranea - I work at an FE college in the student support department and the term dyspraxia is recognised and used all the time. You can be assessed for dyspraxia in a similar way that you can be assessed for dyslexia - what the OT does and does not like is irrelevant really because dyspraxia is a perfectly acceptable term. Perhaps she is trying to dodge the questions.

[Aranea]

Shugarlips - what does dyspraxia mean by the time people get to FE? Can you tell that someone has it? Does it affect them academically? Socially?

[Shugarlips]

Dyspraxia can present itself in a variety of ways. It used to be called the clumsy child syndrome (which is awful and certainly not an accepted term anymore). It is about coordination, generally physical although I do see students with verbal dyspraxia who can speak fluently one day and then not be able to put two words together the next. Dyspraxia in FE will generally mean poor handwriting, difficulty in expressing thoughts, organisational and time management problems and being thrown easily if the routine of the day changes. Dyspraxia can affect people academically (not because they are below average but because they can have trouble expressing their thoughts either verbally or on paper). Socially - I don't know so much but the dyspraxic students I work with have friends. www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk or .co.uk can't remember which, is a good website. Does that help?

[Aranea]

Thank you. It kind of helps but I suppose I am having trouble imagining whether it would mean my dd will be noticeably 'different' as an adult. I guess no-one can answer that really.