ADHD, HOW DO U COPE?(21 Posts)
MY LITTLE GIRL HAS ADHD,(SHE 4 AND STARTED SCHOOL AT CHRISTMAS). I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING NOT RIGHT AND HER NURSURY AGREED SO SHE WAS OBSURVED AND THEY HAVE SAID IT IS ADHD. I SAID NO TO THE DRUGS SO WE TRY TO FOLLOW BEHAVIOUR PLANS. THE MAIN PROBLEM I HAVE IS THAT MY HUSBAND WILL NOT ACCESPT SHE HAS IT, AND JUST GETS MAD WITH HER AND ME. ITS SO HARD ANYWAY, TRYING TO CARM HER DOWN AND GET HER ATTENSION FOR SCHOOL WORK. I'M SO FRUSTATED AND HAVE STARTED TO LOSE MY TEMPER WITH HER, WHICH I SO DON'T WANT TO DO. DOES ANY ONE HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR ME?
i know drugs sound awful but if you think about ADHD being a chemical imbalance / incorrect brain activity then it can only be fixed properly with medication. I have 2 ADHD pupils in my class and I can tell within 5 mins of seeing then if their medication has changed or been missed. you will only be so successful with behaviour plans etc
As for your husband, he must realise there is something wrong - maybe he needs to see her in action (you know watch her in class but not let her know he is there?)
THANKS FOR YOUR REPLY, MY HUSBAND SEES HER AT HOME AND IT STILL DOESN'T SINK IN! I THINK HE THINKS THEY ARE SAYING SHES TROUBLE OR STUPID OR SOMETHING!!?? CAN'T GET IT THOUGTH HIM THAT IT REALLY COULD HELP. MY BROTHER HAS IT TO, BUT IN THE 80'S KIDS WERE JUST BAD. SEEING HIM STRUGLE WHEN WE NEW HE COULD HAVE DONE BETTER IS MAKING ME WANT TO DO MORE. MY DAD WAS THE AME AS MY HUSBAND, IS IT A MAN THING??? I WILL KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE DRUGS THOUGH
Your husband may be trying to come to terms with the diagnosis and it can take some time to accept it.
When my ds1 was diagnosed one of the emotions my dh and I went through was anger thinking it was the school's fault he had this diagnosis as they couldn't 'manage' him.
It took us years to accept it but as he got older there was no denying it.
Parenting a child with ADHD is frustrating but it is great you are using behaviour plans at a young age and she has her diagnosis so can receive help at school from the beginning.
Have you read the CHRISTOPHER GREEN book I found it really helpful and made me feel a better parent as I realised it wasn't my crap parent skills that made ds1 the way he was at times.
How are you today kelly? I have been thinking about your predicamenta nd think that your husband hust needs time to adjust. coming to terms with this kind of thing can be difficult. my sister took 3 yrs to admit there was anything at al wrong with her daughter and it was quite obvious to everyone - she wasnt walking at 2yrs adn still doesnt talk.
Have you looked at diet? I don't mean the usual e numbers and additives. My son has ADHD and it is made worse by milk, cereal, bread and certain fruits (all normally considered healthy) I was lucky my doctor agreed to refer him to someone researching food influences and once the problem foods were excluded the change was remarkable.
Please remember that ADHD is for life, not just for childhood.
The secondary symptoms will improve, and they will work out coping strategies to mitigate or work around the primary symptoms, but those symptoms will still be there.
kelly80 was your dd actually diagnosed by a Medical person ie: devt paed , child phsych ? She seems quite young to have a formal diagnosis ? A really good website regarding foods for adhd is the Hyper Active Child. They have been around for years and have some very good advice on 'bad foods'.
Hi Mummyofboys, Would you mind posting the link for that website please?
Hi Kelly 80,
I can total sympathise with you! I also have a 4 year old DD who is EdPsych diagnosed as having ADHD and Aspergers! It is a pretty scary diagnosis at first. The most important things to remember whilst trying to sort out a behaviour management plan for you, your DD and your family is that it is nothing you have done. There is nothing WRONG with your child. This does not mean that she is naughty, or limited in anyway. My DD also happens to have a gifted diagnosis and a mental age of 8!!!
I was diagnosed with ADHD 5 years ago at the grand old age of 23! I went all through school never knowing why I was being yelled at so much! The best way I can explain it is the phrase 'I didn't KNOW I was out of my seat' which is to say the first time I knew when I had done something wrong, was when someone was yelling at me for it. This is not intentionally disruptive or defiant behaviour.
I have taught children with ADHD during my professional career, but have never realised the impact this 'disorder' has on a family until I had my DD. I have focused my attention on learning about ADHD ever since my own diagnosis. The best book I have read so far is called 'Putting on the breaks' by Quinn and Stern. Because it is written for children with ADHD. Most books are written by non-adhd people about people with adhd. This can make their empathy with the subject a little lacking. A good parenting book is 'Life on the edge' by David Spohn, which adds a little humour to the situation, written by someone who knows about it.
My daughter is not medicated, her behaviour is controlled by diet and a very clear behaviour management program called 1-2-3 Magic, which really is magic for all except the really bad days! I agree that food additives are not going far enough with dietary intervention, my daughters main triggers are wheat and salicylates, a naturally occuring food chemical in fruit and some vegetables. She also has a problem with chemicals in ordinary household cleaning products and toiletries.
Whether your DD has ADHD or not, some decent intervention and a good behaviour management program is needed for you to be able to enjoy your daughter to the full, as I finally do mine.
Try this website, they are a bit strict on food, but the general principles are great
Hope you don't mind me giving so much of my opinion, but as you can tell, this is a subject close to my heart. If I can provide you with any more help or info, please let me know and you can email me privately.
I have found parenting an ADHD child a very lonely and frustrating experience at times (and shes only 4) and think that if we all stick together our children will be happier and more supported.
ir2224 Hyper Active Children website:
snozcumber. Hi. Can you clarify that an Ed.Psych is formally allowed to dx ADHD or Aspergers. I hear so many mums with SN children say that this is not correct and that only devt paed along with the reports from Ed.Psych, OT etc can make such a dx. Just wondered ......
Mummyofboys I live in the Isle of Man so maybe its different here but, an Ed-psych assessed my daughter this year, wrote a report for me, the GP/HV and the school. Her placement on the SEN register at the school is based on the Ed-Psych report. Any review meetings (2 a year) involve the Ed-Psych and she helped decide where on the register my DD was placed and that her place in her current school should be guaranteed on need for next year despite us having moved out of the catchment. So she is very involved in the whole process. Having seen a paed for other things with my DD I don't know what more they could/would do than this!!
Thank you Mummyofboys.
I also meant to say to the OP good luck. I can't offer any advice but my nephew who is 12 has just received his official diagnosis today which is why your topic stuck out to me.
Snozcucmber: I just read your post and what you say about your own ADHD rings so true with my nephew. That's exactly how he feels about being yelled at and about getting out of his seat. For years he has been saying he couldn't help it, that he didn't realise he was being naughty by getting out of his seat and that he couldn't help the fact that he wasn't doing his work to a consistent standard. People assumed that he was just messing around and being lazy. Now hopefully he will get some help with it all.
Sorry to hijack the topic by the way.
Snozcumber - how did you get it down to the wheat/cleaning products/ salicylates? We have been dilly dallying with the Sue Dengate plan for a couple of months and I am certain that salicylates are a major problem for DS and his lack of concentration but I just can't seem to get myself sorted to work out the wheat/dairy etc. We let DS eat what he liked over Christmas and by New Year he was a mess - his sleeping went haywire, his night time seizures were awful and he just couldn't cope!
We did Sue Dengate's FAILSAFE but really strictly. It has been horrendously hard work, I can't pretend it hasn't!! Especially not helped by loads of deliberate and accidental screw ups by me!!
I find that the FAILSAFE website and support groups can be really good, but for me they just added loads of confusion at times. There are a lot of people on their who have gone to a real great extent with what they have identified is a problem for their children. This is really awesome for them and very helpful for people who have exhausted all other options, but I just found some of it mind boggling.
I decided that I would just focus on the big stuff to start with! We took cleaning products and toiletries out from day 1, as I had always had a problem with these things affecting my breathing and headaches etc.. If you think sals are a problem, then definately look at them, they are pretty much all flavoured/scented with something and the airborne affect of these sals is enough to cause major ructions in our house.
Place to start with this - I use, Faith in nature, seaweed shampoo and conditioner (the only 1 my DD can tolerate, but there are others). Simple or mitchum unscented roll-on/stick deodorant. Simple soap. Tesco's 'naturally' kitchen/bathroom cleaner, dishwasher tabs and washing powder but sparingly. Ecover is also ok and a bit more widely available. I bought ecoballs which are great for washing with a bit more frequently, but not great on stains.
We already had dairy out before FAILSAFE, so just never put it back in. Both of my childrens sleep problems are caused by Amines if that helps and I think that is pretty common! I have been doing this for 18m and am still making mistakes.
If you like you can send me a list of what your DS is currently eating when FAILSAFE and I will have a look if anything is obvious for you. A fresh pair of eyes can sometimes help. Elimination diets are unfortunately just a case of keep taking stuff out till its right, but such little things can be screwing the whole thing up, without you even realising it.
Hope that helps some and it would be good to be in contact with someone else crazy enough to even try this diet!
Thanks Snozcumber - just popping out but will be in touch later. An idea of a typical days diet for your DD would be interesting - also interesting what you say about amines as I'd been letting him have bananas hoping that he could tolerate something other than a boring old peeled pear!!! Poor DS, he loves fruit especially grapes and oranges and dried apricots/raisins
snozcumber my dd is 5 and has adhd aspergers and odd. What is the 123 magic approach that you use?
knat 123 Magic I think is an American behaviour program, by a guy called Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. Books and DVDs are available readily in the UK, can be a bit pricy for the DVD but also available second hand from Amazon or Ebay.
Never actually seen the DVD but the book (red cover) is very comprehensive with different stuff in.
Basic principle involves giving a child 3 clear warnings that you expect a certain behaviour to either begin or stop. E.g
Child: Can I have a biscuit?
Parent: Not now dinner will only be 5 minutes.
Child: But I really want a biscuit!
Parent: I've told you 'no' now that's 1!
Child: I don't want dinner, I want a biscuit!
Parent: That's 2, I've warned you, if you ask again it will be time out.
Child: I don't care, etc...
Parent: That's 3, 5 mins time out please!!
All very calm, no raised voices, no physical intervention. Took a couple of weeks for DD to work out that when I said 3 that was it, no more discussion, just time out and she wasn't coming out till it was up. After that I rarely have to get past 1 or 2 most days. Bad days calmly go to time out, sometimes has to be removed to her room to do it.
But it just reduced a lot of the whining, demanding, arguing behaviour that used to be ALL the time. Unless she is having a food or chemical reaction. Then we continue with it for consistency and my sanity but she rarely knows why she's in trouble on those days.
Would recommend it definately, I used with DD2 who is 2 1/2 also. Not as easy at such a young age, but tends to help keep me calm more than anything!! Try searching for it, I think they have their own website. Publishers site is:
fatzak will put something together showing roughly what we eat over the next day or say. Would be interesting to compare.
Here's my email Snozcumber - would be great to get some ideas from someone who is following the plan and has it working for them!!
sarah at webactif dot co dot uk
thanks snozcumber i'll take a look. Only trouble is my dd has a problem with counting ie we count to five if not done consequence but she puts her hands over her ears and starst reallyh getting upset and shouting if we count!!!!
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