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daughter won't go to school

(63 Posts)

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Rocktheboot Tue 08-Oct-19 09:04:10

ANYONE got ANY idea what I can do???!

DD is in year 4 now. she was bullied badly through Reception and Year 1 and is left with horrible anxiety (PTSD/OCD). We moved school as they weren't protecting her and we have been through periods of school refusal over the last 3 years. I don't know what to do any more. I can't keep forcing her in. I mean, I CANT force her in. But I'm going to loose my job at this rate. Then I can't pay the mortgage. I have no idea what to do. do I just have to let that happen???

AmIThough Tue 08-Oct-19 09:07:50

Why does she refuse to go now? What are her reasons?

You can't lose your job over this.

Have you had meetings with the school? They will have dealt with difficult children in the past and will support you.

hormonesorDHbeingadick Tue 08-Oct-19 09:08:44

Has she been diagnosed with PTSD? What support are CAHMS offering?

LeekMunchingSheepShagger Tue 08-Oct-19 09:10:18

What are school doing to help? Have you met with the senco and/or pastoral team?

Earthandsky Tue 08-Oct-19 09:12:09

Would she go on a part-time basis eg mornings only then build up the time? My dc had to do this, starting with an hour and a half a day. It sounds pointless but it’s a way in if she is refusing completely.

Rocktheboot Tue 08-Oct-19 09:25:32

she is in her 2nd round of counselling. first provided by school, 2nd paid for by my employer. I have had many many meetings with school. 1 on 1 helps her, time out of classroom helps her, but they don't have the staff to maintain this. she has talked about killing herself since year2, but CAHMS rejected her referral (currently being challenged by my MP)

Rocktheboot Tue 08-Oct-19 09:26:56

school won't except part time. we did it despite their non-acceptance, for a while. but it doesn't really help with my work/financial situation

Rocktheboot Tue 08-Oct-19 09:28:48

there must be other people that have been in this situation??

Bloodybridget Tue 08-Oct-19 09:31:29

Maybe try posting in Child Mental Health or whatever it's called? Much sympathy, must be horrendous for you and your DD.

lumpy76 Tue 08-Oct-19 09:34:38

Yes - I'm afraid often the only option is to home educate. I've been luck as a sahp but I've known many have to give up work. You can push for an EHCP (you can apply yourself) but it won't necessarily get your child into school. Sometimes school just doesn't work for some. I have a 15 yr old who has PTSD from his time in school - I also have another 2 children (one in school and one now home Ed) who struggle with school and school attendance (they both have ASD). I have other children with no attendance difficulties for those reading who think it's all about parenting! 🤦🏼‍♀️ Please look at NOTFINEINSCHOOL.org and it's sister group not fine in school on Facebook. You'll fine loads of support there.

Puffthemagicdragongoestobed Tue 08-Oct-19 09:43:48

Been there last year which was also year 4 for my son who has ASD. In our case his class was very unlucky with teachers leaving and lots of supply teaching, which was very unsettling. I think there were also some friendship issues. He has been much better in year 5 with consistent teaching and I believe no friendship issues. Also, he has been having more time at home with wrap around care greatly reduced. And his dad has been around more as well.
Where is your daughter’s dad in this? Has the school put any measures in?
My son’s school has provided some time out space in the school building as well as in the classroom which has helped as well.
All the best, it’s such a stressful thing flowers

Rocktheboot Tue 08-Oct-19 09:44:30

I am a single parent @lumpy76. I just don't see how I can home educate without loosing our home. I cannot be the ONLY single parent in this situation? there must be a solution, but I can't think of it

Finfintytint Tue 08-Oct-19 09:47:47

Can you afford to have someone tutor her at home?

lumpy76 Tue 08-Oct-19 09:49:13

You're definitely not the only single parent in this position. Join the Facebook group. Also what have school down to help? Is the SENCO involved? Your DD's problems with attendance, ptsd, anxiety etc most definitely come under the SEN remit. Has the Ed psych been involved? Is the school the same one where she was bullied? If so I would seriously consider moving her.

Rocktheboot Tue 08-Oct-19 09:50:01

@Puffthemagicdragongoestobed time out space/timetable to leave the classroom was in place last year...until TA left. and they haven't had staff to support this since. it helped alot. spoke to the class teacher this year, who said she could go out of class IF there is someone available to sit with her

current complaint is that the school is 'dirty' . they make them sit on the floor for assemblies and the hall is also lunch hall. therapist said OCD, but I think it's more sensory issues

her best/only friend left suddenly last week. we had no idea she was leaving, friend didn't mention it. class teacher announced it was her last day and that was that. my daughter isolates herself and prefers to just have 1 friend

Rocktheboot Tue 08-Oct-19 09:52:50

@lumpy, thanks for the FB group recommendations. I will take a look at that a bit later, when I have time

different school to where she was bullied, but considering moving again anyway. don't think it will solve the problems. but might be a better environment

Stuckinarut81 Tue 08-Oct-19 09:53:17

Hi OP.

I went through this with my eldest who has ASD, started school refusal in year 6, and by year 9 her mental health was so bad I had no choice but to take her out of school completely. She was out for 18 months and is now at a special school with an EHCP.

I’m now facing the same thing with my youngest in year 5. She started getting really anxious and having meltdowns about going to school last year in year 4. What has helped is her seeing the school’s ELSA support person. She has two one to one sessions with her a week and it’s really helped, and now she’s a lot happier about going in.

I’m a single parent too and yes it makes life very difficult financially if they won’t go! I’m self employed so at least I can choose my own hours and can’t get sacked, but if it wasn’t for receiving DLA and carer’s allowance I would be screwed. Have you applied for DLA? If you have medical evidence of her trauma you may be able to get it.

silly0ne Tue 08-Oct-19 09:53:49

My son was quite a bit older when his refusal became unmanageable. We had five hours of tuition allocated by the local authority, but someone had to be present at home when the tuition took place.

Does your daughter have an EHCP? If not, you can request statutory assessment. If one to one support helps, then this would seem to be a reasonable adjustment that the school should consider. Funding for this would be an issue for the school, which is why an EHCP may help.

Do you have any adults e.g. grandparent etc who could help?

Rocktheboot Tue 08-Oct-19 09:56:54

need to go out...back in a bit

Stuckinarut81 Tue 08-Oct-19 09:57:43

Sorry also meant to add, if her mental health is really suffering, you may just have to bite the bullet and take her out. Yes, it sucks. And you will be skint. But the difference in her will be worth being poor for a while. I honestly think if I’d carried on forcing my eldest to go to school, she’d have killed herself by now. You could look into medical education (small units for children who can’t attend mainstream because of physical or mental ill health).

Rachelover60 Tue 08-Oct-19 10:01:59

I would home educate in your position and maybe get someone to help me so it isn't a one man job. You may find a group of home educators near where you live, look online. However I don't know what hours you work, if you are full time every day I know it would be difficult.

It's a real headache for you and your daughter and I'm sorry.

Tvstar Tue 08-Oct-19 10:01:59

Why can't you force her in?

SoyDora Tue 08-Oct-19 10:05:16

Yes, it sucks. And you will be skint

It’s not just about being ‘skint’ though is it? It’s about being able to afford a roof over their heads. How will the OP pay the mortgage if she doesn’t work? Put food on the tables?

crankyhousewife Tue 08-Oct-19 10:06:24

I've been through this with both my children although they were older (years 8 and 11). Unfortunately it didn't resolve for either and is still ongoing despite them being at college now (elder daughter has ASD, younger anxiety and depression).

We had to home school our youngest because her education was suffering. It was that or no education at all.

I wish I could say it got better but it didn't.

Catkin8 Tue 08-Oct-19 10:26:12

@Tvstar What a stupid question. She is clearly very unwell, how will forcing her to school help? The teachers will no doubt send her home anyway.

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