To take dd clothes to charity shop

[NewLife4Me]

Just been in her bedroom and found a complete disaster.
Not only clothes (dirty) mixed with clean thrown in her wardrobe and pull out trays, but dirty underwear, chocolate and sticky sweets mixed in and several glasses/jug full of horrible yellowy custard type of stuff.

I thought she'd grown out of it, but I can't stress enough how disgusting it was.
I've peeled the crap off, folded them and bagged them up for charity shop.
She still has plenty left, hanging up, but she can't possibly need or want them if she is doing this.

I don't expect perfection, but she is 12 now and surely should be taking some responsibility for her surroundings.
Dirty clothes in a basket which is in her room, not taking chocolate, sweets and concoctions upstairs.

AIBU, I won't tell her unless she asks where something is, or I might take her to the shop on Saturday to visit her clothes

[escapedfrommordor]

Ew that's rank. I think I'd just close the door on it and let her enjoy the squalor.

[AvaLeStrange]

As mum of an 11.5yo DD feel your pain but I'm not sure I could bring myself to do that, although DH has threatened it on numerous occasions, and not just with clothes.

I once found a mug containing what appeared to be home grown mozzarella on her windowsill

[DementedUnicorn]

If you do decide to donate wash them first!!!

[cozietoesie]

I'd wash them as well. Otherwise the charity shop might just put them straight in the bin.

[AlisonWunderland]

Yep just bag everything up and bung it in the attic or somewhere obscure.
Repeat weekly.
Sometime around late May Bank Holiday, she'll wonder where all her stuff is.

Return bags and introduce her to washing machine.

[cozietoesie]

Washing it is effectively doing that, Euphemia. It represents at least two bites to that particular cherry.

[NewLife4Me]

escape

I wish I could but she's gone off to school now and I can't stand the smell of sweaty clothes.
We have 2 grown up ds and she is worse than either of they were, in fact put together they weren't as bad as her.

It's so depressing as we thought we'd finally got through, but instead of it just being out in the open like before it's chucked in drawers, and hidden.
I haven't moved the bed yet.
But her drawers have been removed as they were empty, apart from sweets, chocolate, papers and the clothes I've taken.

[WorraLiberty]

I've peeled the crap off, folded them and bagged them up for charity shop.

Why have you bagged them up before washing them?

[AvaLeStrange]

Alison I love that idea.

I've just redecorated DDs bedroom - I may well give that a go if she doesn't up her game!

[NewLife4Me]

Have just seen posts about washing clothes first, will certainly do this but am adamant thats where they are going.
When she has done it before, countless times we have gone through it together and she knows how to use the machine. She is the same at school, but her friends aren't much better which doesn't help.

I want her to have a little bit of discipline as I think it will help organisation and have a knock on effect with other things too.
I already sent her back to school with very few clothes for the term.
When she comes home if she brings washing and keeps tidier then I'll allow a few more.
I can't think of what else I can do, she's lazy with most things tbh.

[NewLife4Me]

Have bagged them for somewhere to put them, I always wash before taking them as when they steam them it isn't the same as washing.

[KittyCheshire]

i think giving them away to charity is going too far. i would clean and confiscate first.

I think parents giving away their kids stuff is completely and utterly fucking wrong.

[LizzieMacQueen]

I would wonder whether she has 'issues'. Is she at boarding school? This maybe represents the small area in which she has some control so she therefore does nothing.

Why do you allow her food in her room if she is like this?

[ShinyTurd]

If you want to hear disgusting, I've got something.......

DS went through a stage of weeing in bottles because he couldn't be bothered to go to the bathroom five metres away So I'd find all these wee filled bottles It was because he didn't want to stop playing the Xbox.

[MyLocal]

Haven't read the responses just your OP and all I can say is 12? Ha ha ha ha ha wait until she is 17! mine didn't stop the shitty behaviour until she moved to uni and realised get cleaning fairy only came to our house.

She had evolved into a cleaning demon like her mother.

[EcclefechanTart]

Don't give her clothes/things away without her consent. My parents did this to me and it irrevocably damaged our relationship. I never trusted them again really, or that my home was a safe space. I'm 35 and I still have nightmares about my things disappearing based on stuff my parents did when I was a young teen. Please find another way to discipline/educate her instead.

[MrsSkeletor]

Taking her stuff without her knowledge then taking her to the shop to "visit" her things would be a cruel and disorienting thing to do. You'll wreck your relationship if you do something like that just to prove your power over her. Chuck the stuff in the loft if you don't want to look at it, but it makes me feel anxious and sick if I imagine being your daughter, realising her stuff is in the shop window.

[sleeponeday]

OP this sounds really, really extreme. Beyond normal early teen behaviour. I'm tentative about raising it, but do you know that ADHD manifests itself very differently in girls than boys, and often deteriorates at onset of adolescence? It tens to be more ADD and less H, too. An interesting article here. Obviously that may have nothing whatsoever to say to it, and she could just be lazy as you say, but if she's chronically absent minded and disorganised, maybe it could be worth exploring?

[NewLife4Me]

sleeponeday

Thank you so much, I will look at this. I don't think she's quite right tbh, and have considered ADD?ADHD there are so many learning disabilities in our family, all from my side.
Just never thought it would manifest itself like this

The going to visit the clothes bit was me letting off steam, I wouldn't do that really but was tempted to give them to charity.

Thank you Eccle for your honesty and so sorry this is affecting you now. I will reconsider and perhaps IABU.

Anybody any suggestions, I can't let this go on and have tried everything.
I don't allow food upstairs at all, her brothers didn't either.
She sneaks things and takes them upstairs.

When I moved the bed there were bits of the red wax stuff off Baby Bel cheese.
more chocolate wrappers, dirty clothes, etc.

As I said, I don't expect perfection but the minging stuff needs to stop.
I can't confiscate her phone as her timetable is live and she needs it for internet at school.
She doesn't get much pocket money as I can't afford it.

Perhaps, this is the straw that broke the camels back as she is such hard work.

[mrsnoon]

I got home from a friend's house one afternoon to find my duvet, bean bag and a large selection of my clothes outside on the drive - my Mum told me if I wanted to live like a pig I could live outside like one. She had also chucked the contents on my bin all over my bedroom to add to the general shit and mess in there. I stayed up till stupid o'clock putting it right and was MUCH better after that. Lesson learned.

[ClopySow]

I was disgusting at that age. I'm starting to grow out of it now, age 40. No punishment would have changed me. Mum just shut the door and refused to have anything to do with it.

[NewLife4Me]

I'm not sure what to do now.
We have been worried for a while that there may be something, but just couldn't put our finger on it.
She has to have help at school for organisation but thought this unrelated to her what I presumed to be lazy behaviour.
However, I don't want to ignore it if there isn't a problem and she's just being lazy.