I'm writing a list of all DS1's Asperger traits

[BarbaraManatee]

We've got our first ever parent-teacher meeting with DS1's key worker on Friday. Our main reason for sending him to nursery in the first place was in the hope that someone else would notice the things we do. I don't think they have, although they did mention he'd been throwing sand - I can picture exactly what happened because I know the manic state he can get in when he's tired or stressed & he'll start throwing things around while laughing hysterically & the only thing that I've found to stop him so far is holding his hands still until he relaxes a bit & then remove him & distract with another activity. The only other things they've mentioned is his refusal to paint Hates having dirty hands & that he rarely goes outside "The sun is too bright".

I very briefly mentioned our concerns in passing to one of the workers when she commented on how confident he is. He's not 'confident' he's just oblivious to being left because he doesn't have a normal parent-child bond. I said he'd been like that since he was a baby & it was one of our concerns & she laughed & said "If it makes you feel any better, my daughter's the same. She's in the room next door & always goes straight in to play." My DS1 doesn't "go straight in to play", safe in the knowledge that I'm just next door, he wanders over to a group of children & hovers nearby to watch them play.

I've been making notes of all the things we've noticed for a while but I'm finally getting round to typing it up & I've got to half a page already & still don't feel like I've captured most of the behaviours. None of them are really extreme so I can see why it might be hard for other people to see the bigger picture but it's really upsetting me writing this list of all the ways he's different to other children. It just feels so disloyal - like I'm focussing on all his negative points. He's such a lovely child most of the time & really intelligent & has the memory of an elephant. A couple of months ago, at 3y,2m, he was describing in great detail when we had our garden done 14 months before! It's not something we've even mentioned for the best part of a year & he just came out with it!

I guess the thing that's really bothering me is that I'm fairly certain I have Aspergers & I can see so much of myself in him. I hate to think that he's struggling with life the way I have & seeing it all written down just makes it seem more real! I'm dreading the meeting because if they turn round & insist they think he's "fine" Oh, how I hate that word! I'll probably tell them we're withdrawing him & walk out. Then there's the question of whether to look for a different nursery or continue with our home-ed plan & pursue the issue via the GP when he's a bit older.

I'm over-thinking this, aren't I? Can you tell I have anxiety issues?

[Jackieharris]

Don't withdraw him from nursery.

Most nursery workers won't spot the mild signs of asd.

[AGnu]

My main concern with continuing to send him is that he won't be getting the support he needs. He was saying this morning that he didn't want to go. He seems to enjoy it while he's there but I do wonder if he'd be better off at home again so I can support him properly or at another nursery who will acknowledge his difficulties & work with us to support him.

I have a foundation degree in early childhood & a lot of our training was focussed on noticing subtle signs of ASD. Took me another 4 years after I finished that course, & last year's MN thread for autism awareness week, for me to relate that training to myself though! I've suspected DS1's issues since he was about 3 months. I know what he needs when he gets anxious & I know how to deal with him when he loses control. I don't think nursery do & the longer he's there, the more comfortable he's becoming & the more regularly he'll be exhibiting those behaviours. I don't want to put him in a situation where he's surrounded by adults who refuse to acknowledge it. If they can't understand why he is the way he is then I don't have much faith in their ability to support him effectively.

[Heyhermano]

Hi there - have you thought about taking your little one to your GP and mentioning your concerns? Or your Health Visitor? If you have noticed anything unusual or concerning about his speech, language or communication you could contact your local speech therapy department and request a referral? Then if they have any concerns they can discuss it with nursery, and if not it might help put your mind at rest?

[YDdraigGoch]

Are you absolutely sure yourself that DS has ASD?

How about posting your list on here and see how it compares to others' DCs? I think another poster did that recently as was re-assured that most of her DC's traits she thought were associated with his condition were deemed to be what any x year old child would do in a given situation.

[NotCitrus]

Is he happy, getting needs met and learning stuff at nursery? If so, that's great and any ASD traits aren't a problem. If you are concerned about communication, ask GP for a SALT referral. Also talk to nursery about ways of helping him learn to deal with other kids, eg shouting STOP! I don't like it! rather than hitting or crying.

Does your ds respond when you come to collect him? He sounds like my ds who is now 6 and dn age 7 (who has been diagnosed with ASD) - the nursery staff just worked at their level and it was great. School was harder as more boisterous and it became clear dn's social abilities weren't keeping up with his peers, but until age 5 there were only minor issues. Ds is being referred because of his tactile aversions getting worse, but otherwise is happy in mainstream school - nursery figured he was quirky and left it at that, so are now grateful to have him explained as having ASD traits.