Does my son has any problem? or is it normal?

[rrbrigi]

Hi,

I would like to hear opinions if these type of behavior normal, or indicate some type of special need and if it is normal is there anything I can help him with?

I will cut the long story to short. It is an ongoing problem since nursery (or earlier). He is 4 and a half now and in Reception. He has only 1 friend (she is a girl). He does not like to interact with others or participate in group works (either small or big).He says he does not like to go to school, because he does not have enough space and there are too many children in it. He hates lunch time play, because then all of the children from the school are outside. He does not interrupt the lesson; the teacher does not have any problem with him, only he is very quiet. Usually if he speaks with people he does not look at in the people eyes (expect family members). Socially he does not like to be with children. He hates to go to parties, and even if we go he does not do anything just sit on my lap. He does not want a party for himself, because he does not want the children to come. He is ok with adult, He likes his teacher especially when the teacher working with him. He likes to play with us. And he is ok to communicate with adult who he knows. He has strong opinion about things that very hard to change. He loves being at home, that is his favorite and I need to force him to go out somewhere (even shopping, playground, visit his friend, restaurant, etc?). He loves me very much. Every day we hug and kiss each other at least half an hour in the morning, half an hour when he comes home from school and another half an hour before bedtime.

The teacher asked me if I can help for him, because it would be better for him if he could play with the other children, but I do not know how. I do not want to force him to go to parties, playgrounds because he hates them. We go to the playground only if there is nobody or very few people, otherwise he asks me to go home.
Any advice much appreciated.

[educatingarti]

Hi rrbrigi

It is very difficult to say from your description whether your ds has any actual special needs. Some of your description would seem to fit a child who has some autistic tendencies but then again this might not be the case.

How well do you know other parents or children in his class? Could you invite just one child to play for an hour or so after school? Do you know any of the parents well enough to explain your ds's difficulties and say "Could your ds come for just an hour or so because I'm not sure how much ds will cope with but I would really like him to be friends with your ds." Are there any other children in his class who are more thoughtful/calm/quiet and not too loud or boisterous that you could invite as this might be easier for your ds.

Could you talk through what will happen when "x comes to play after school" - eg "First you can play with toys. You can ask x which toys he would like to play with. You can show x how you build things with your lego etc. You must share your toys with x while he is here but they are still your toys and you will keep them when x goes home. Then we will have some tea. Then x's mummy will come to collect him and take him home"

I'd have this sort of conversation a few times on the day or so before x comes. If this works OK , you could try it again a few weeks later.

If you are worried about your ds having special needs of some sort, then you would be best chatting to your GP about it. If necessary they will arrange for you to see a specialist. It is better to know than to worry as if he has special needs and you know about it, it will help to get the right support for him in school, and if he doesn't then you will have put your mind at rest!

[rrbrigi]

Thanks educatingarti.

When I ask him if he would like somebody to come to play, he says no. I would imagine that he would go to his room or nanny's house (next to ours) and leave me alone with the child and his or her parent. Or just go and watch TV, He would not be interested what the other kid would like to di, because he think that kid can play alone and he can do something else.

I do not know the parents from the school, but I have a couple of other friends with children. He does not like to play with them either.

The teacher was a bit shocked when we spoke about his social side last parent evening. She though (on the first parent evening) that the language holding back my son (because his English is not his first language), but he did not change at all, however his English improved a lot. And I told the teacher he behave the same way with children who speaks the same language as my son. Also she told me she will keep an eye on him. He definitely does not need a TA in the school. He is a bright boy and copes very well in the classroom (education side). He is not aggressive at all.

I am ok with my son as he is now. I really do not mind that other children are not coming every day in our house, as long as it won?t cause a problem for him in the future. I just do not know because if I let him behave in this way and he will have problem from this in the future I would be very sad.

[educatingarti]

I think it would be a good idea to go and see your doctor and explain all of this. Then if there is a problem you will get the right sort of advice and support to help your ds learn and grow and develop the best way that he can. Of course you love your ds the way that he is - that's lovely and what good mums do! He will always be himself and the boy that you love, it's just that if he does need some help in dealing with relating to others it is better if he gets the help he needs early on.

It sounds as if your ds is very bright and that is great, but he does need to learn some level of social and relational skills too. TAs and other support workers in school are not just for children who struggle academically or are disruptive. They might, for example, be able to support your ds in playing with another child and in developing his social skills. I'm not saying that your ds actually needs a TA, I'm just using it as an example of another kind of help that could be given. If your ds did turn out to have some kind of special need, you will get advice too to support you, so that you know you have done the very best for your son and you may be less worried about whether you are doing the right thing!.

If you are worried he may have difficulties in the future, I really would go and talk to your doctor and see what he/she thinks.