whats going on with my ds?? VERY Long post but please read and comment if you have the time, desperate for comments/advice/similar stories

[worriedaboutmyson]

ok, before I start Im sorry this is such a long post, Ive lurked on these boards for years now but never posted much as its so difficult and lengthy to explain whats been going on. Its got to desperation point now, I really need support/help/advice so hence my mammoth post.Im going to post this on the behviour board as well and Ive name changed to protect my id somewhat, but my post could easily make myself/child indetifiable so if you think you know us please dont aknowledge that on here-feel free to pm me instead.
somethings may be irrelevant but ive tried to remember and include as much info as poss to give you a clearer picture.
right, here goes...

Horrible pregnancy(spd etc)traumatic long labour with long 2nd stage. born healthy, slightly jaundiced,extremely sleepy, refused to latch to feed, persisted but gave formula after 24 as no success.
Always wanted to be held, had to swaddle to sleep birth-approx 18months. never crawled, army shuffled, walked at 13months, walked round funiture from about 11months on tiptoes.would not appear to realise injuries or react as other children did-bang head and just carry on/bleeding scraped knee, not react in any way. constantly agressive and violent towards other children(normal for this age though?)
By 2.6yrs recognising makes/models of cars-hard to explain but would recognise makes of car(not obvious ones like a mini or landrover)
about the same time had to put locks on the outside of living room/kitchen/bathroom doors as he would wake in the early hours, climb over his stairgate and ransack the rooms eg toilet roll down the loo, soap/shampoos down sink/makeup on the walls/mirrors. washing up liquid poured into the coffee/tea jars etc etc
used to line up his cars in a line across the room,bumper to bumper. would resist going in buggy/care seat and go stiff. wanted to be unclothed all the time+strongly resisted getting dressed.

School reception yr- shortly after starting school it was apparent he couldt/wouldnt line up with other children, he would end up lashing out at them. after a week or two of this he started going into class ealier than the rest of the class but it was still a problem to get him in, he would run off, both within ad outside school grounds, Id end up having to drag him(big heavy lad for his age)into the class, who would then have to lock the door to prevent him getting out again.
His behaviour within school was apparently within normal range, he had a behviour chart, but so did about 5 other children.
coming out of school was a nightmare, he would throw his things down, start shouting/being rude and bolt out the grounds-he was nrly run over twice. going home hed be rude, uncoperative, physically aggressive and threatening(glass or anything else picked from the ground). The end result would be time out once home, where he would trash his room then fall asleep exhausted for up to an hour.
before school hed be very uncooperative, resisting getting dressed/washed/into car.
He used to persistantly take stuff from school-mostly girls stuff, hairbands/clips, plastic jelewry, plasic coins/counters etc.
He put his hands down his throat on several occassions, was sick and school sent him home. i sent a "social story" about this into school, it never happened again.
reception yr nativity-walked in with the others then didnt participate, stood behind the stage pulling at the other childrens clothes.
started swimming lessons outside school(group of about 6)wouldnt do as told unless instructor talking to him 1-2-1. rest of lessons spent spinning around in the water and going underwater. stopped swimming after about 1 yr as no progress and he was beginning to spend more time on the side of the pool than in it because of his behaviour.
in reception yr a conners scale was done, it was inconsistant-parrarell to his coping at school.
The only significant incidents at school were stamping ink on the wall of the cloakroom and emptying the contents of the staff sanitary bin.
At home was like a fortress, doors had to be locked behind me (eg if i went to hang out washing or something id have to lock the kitchen and bathroom doors otherwise hed go in and mess about with something dangerous like the cooker/knife block/ or hed take food.i had to also lock the front and back doors to stop him bolting out and lock them behind people when other peolple came into the house. if i forgot to lock the back door he would climb onto the wall in our garden, climb onto the shed and carry a toy up there, stand on it and jump over the garden wall-approx 10foot high drop.

school-yr one
still resisting getting dressed/going into school/running off, slightly less so than reception yr. still coming out of school and exploding at me.
In may 2010 there was a serious incident at home where him and his brother had gone to bed, we heard screaming, ran in and ds1 was sat on/over ds2 and ds was sobbing and had a red, wet face where ds1 had held the pillow over his head. it was a very concerning incident and especially so becuase he constantly says "i want ds2 to die/I wish ds2 wasnt my brother" etc(probably normalish sibling rivalry?)
In the easter before this happened he suddenly started urinating in inappropriate places(after being toilet trained with no accidents since 3yrs) behind the sofa,against the radiator, in the cat litter tray, on the carpet in the corner of his room.

He finds other peoples bdays/xmas hard,seems to trigger lots of outbursts and bad behaviour.
he cant cope with being teased/joked with(children and adults)-ends up having a meltdown.
Over reacts at small things eg piece of his model broke, but before you have a chance to suggest gluing it etc hes already in full blown sobbing/hysteria.

Back to school-yr two
On returning to school last sept, he couldnt enter school the way he used to due to the entrance being temp blocked off, so we persist trying to get him in through reception for one week-it doesnt work. we try another entrance and earlier than the other children again, this seems to work.
during the first week back he ran out of school(after i handed him over to their care) he got a reasonable distance away from the school before he was caught and taken back.
The second week at school he was being very agressive and violent upon entering, school started restraining him on the floor. At the end of the week hed been restrained numerous times and on the friday we found adult finger bruise marks round his arms and armpits(we took photos and informed the school we thought it was appauling)
after this i met with the head and asked that ds wasnt restrained as it serves no purpose other than to make him more agressive/anxious, she said sorry theres no other way. a few days later my partner went in to speak to her again and she agreed they wouldnt restrain him!!

since this sept weve had more involvement with ed psych than recpt+yr1, but the same ed psych observed him in the classroom in yr1 for 25mins and concluded that there was nothing wrong with him and his interactions etc are normal.
the ed psych has tried lots of statergies with him but ideas have only worked for a day or two before having no impact. Im not sure how good school are at implementing them -theres been at least one occasion when they havent implemented what she has suggested.

There was an incident at school in oct approx. the teacher found him in the cloakroom staringat his coatpeg shouting "look at my peg" "im evil" he was apparently quite distressed/angry/agitated and his teacher tried tocalm him, in the process she ended up being headbutted in the stomach and sustained a wrist injury. on collection i was asked by the head to keep him off until further notice(unofficial/illegal exclusion) and he ended up being home for 3 days before being allowed back.The day after the incident he was not himself, he was quiet, withdrawn and wet himself.
At about the same time he started saying things like"you dont love me", "you dont care about me" im puzzled by this, we say i love you to our children at random points throughout the day, and hugs if theyre on ds1 terms. weve just tried to reassure him and make a concious effort to say it more than we do and also when hes had a meltdown or something we try and adapt it such as "we love you lots, but we dont like your behaviour" etc
He was exluded(fomally this time) again in november.This time the reason was persistant distruption in class.

ok so thats about ds1 but heres what proffessional help weve had(or havent)-
been to see paeds twice since starting school, took early yrs history both times, nothing else done other than reistrar checking him eg reflexes, discharged from them. told to go to camhs if continue having problems.
spoke to a different paed in may when the suffocation incident occured, he was very concerned and made an urgent refferal to camhs, he agreed with my concerns and said he was concerned about PDA and the possibility of bipolar.
We saw camhs just before school holidays 2010 explained our concerns, saw them once with ds1, ds1 just sat in the corner playing with the toys. They concluded that although hes challenging again the scores of another conners scale dont add up to adhd(which i dont think he has anyway!) and that we are managing him well and come back if any more probs.

I spoke to camhs again finally before xmas (after leaving about 20messages and noone getting back to me) camhs said they wanted to talk to school so rang them and thenrang me back, they then said that school had said that they think ds1 has an attatchment disorder!! thats the first time ive heard that! so camhs said they wouldnt get involved and that i should do triple p course as school have suggested.

ds1 has been on school action since reception, also nuture groupand they are currently "building a case" for school action plus. they told me this will take 6months and wont be in place for the remainder of the time hes at that school.

There are more indecrepencies/covering up and lying from school but I cant go into any more detail on here so pm me if you want to read that part.

Im really worried about his transition up to the next school, i dont know which school he'll be going to. Ive spoken to the head at the next school up in our town and he told me straight that if ds1 behaves the way he does at his present school, at his school, then he will perm exclude him. he also said "ive been a teacher and a head many years now and im nearing the end of career and i wont have anyone spoil that"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had to pick my jaw from off the floor after that comment! suffice to say he will not be going to that school so now i also have to find an alternative.



well done if youve got this far, thankyou so much for taking the time to read it.
any comments/input etc very gratefully received!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would cut and paste your post into the Special Needs; children part of this website as this gets far more traffic daily than this particular forum. You will get more assistance there.

I think both you and your son have been badly let down by school and the various agencies to date - and continue to be so.

The very fact that outside agencies have been involved to date means that your DS should already be on School Action Plus - how they can say that this would take six months (unless of course they are talking about getting him a Statement of special needs)is beyond belief.

[worriedaboutmyson]

Thanks, I asked that question the other week, I thought it sounded far fetched when she said it but I assumed it was because of the funding/money involved. She also said it was becuase theyve only just (since sept) started seeing the behaviour at school.-which for me reinforces the fact that they didnt believe what was happening outside school for the past two yrs

[rpt53]

worriedmum,

ouch, ouch and ouch again!! I have been round the track a few times on various issues with my kids and I think your school sounds appaling - in fact I woudl be writing to the govenors in your position. From my experience, I would suggest you go for a thorough assessment - which we did and are VERY grateful for, but we did it privately. The place we went to, which is brilliant, is the learning assessment and neurocare centre in Horsham. They also do clinics in the midlands. Dr Geoff Kewley specialises in the whole cluster of behavioural issues for able kids. It costs - but it was very worthwhile for us.

I would also say that whilst this is dreadful - it can get better - it doesn't have to be this bad. there is hope.

Good luck - will check back for a reply.

[walesblackbird]

Other than the fact that my son is adopted your situation sounds very similar to ours. My son has been diagnosed with ADHD, has been involved with Ed Psych, Behaviour Support, Cahms and now has a Post Adoption Social Worker.

All the behaviours you've described we've experienced. Our school has been pretty clueless despite all the literature I've given them.

Are you aware of developmental trauma? If a baby has a very difficult time at or around birth then it can affect the way the brain develops. Basically it means that their brains are wired differently to 'normal' children and therefore normal parenting methods simply won't work. If you're interested then I would recommend Margot Sunderland's book - What Every Parent Should Know. It describes it far better than I can.

Additionally I would have a look at a book called Inside I'm Hurting by Louise Bomber. It's written for children who are experiencing similar difficulties to your child and explains why and gives strategies for school in how to deal with behaviours.

Developmental Trauma presents in a similar manner to ADHD, Aspergers and can and does look very much like the traits of autism. The brain is affected in the same way.

Important to realise that your child can't help it. The way it was explained to me is that a child suffering from early trauma has a very high level of cortisol (the stress hormone) in their systems. For a normal person it can take sometime to reach their stress limits before exploding - for a child with trauma then it takes something pretty minor for him to become overloaded and blow.

There is help available but generally you will have to fight and fight hard for it.