Confused and upset about bedtime and not a clue what to do.

[poshsinglemum]

I have posted about dds sleep issues before but things are still bad.

DD is 20 months old and we have been cosleeping since birth and I still bf her to sleep.

I am fed up and want my evenings back and I want her to sleep in her own room. I recently changed her cot into a bed which she likes better than her cot. A stair gate won't fit across the bedroom door but we have one across the landing which stops her from wondering into the bathroom but she can get into my room.

I have got her to sleep in her cot once but I do bring her into bed with me in the end as we are used to it.

Tonight I went downstairs after bath, bed and story and she just howled at teh top of the stairs by the gate in distress. It sounded more like hurt than anger. I am trying to do cc but for some reason I keep caving in and I get upset and confused.It's very hard to be consistent when you don't know what the fuck to do for the best. If I continue with cc dd will learn to self-settle but I feel so guilty. If I nurse her to sleep it's lovely and cosy but she will need me to get her to sleep which can take hours.

I am starting to really resent my dd even though it is my fault for not teaching her to self- settle. But I really didn't want to do cc when she was a baby.

Why is she crying? She nows I am downstairs and why does it seem to take forever to break a habit. I just want my sodding evenings back. I can't even go to the sodding toilet nowadays.

[poshsinglemum]

I know why the poor little sauasage is crying- because I am a shit mum and I have messed up bedtimes with my inconsistent indecisivenes but like I said I don't know whta to do for the best.

Part of me feels sad about the prospect of stopping co-sleeping even though I want my evenings back.

I guess I am torn.

[tummytime]

You poor thing. Have you thought about something like gradual retreat on the Millpond book when you start by bf and putting her in bed while you sit next to her. You gradually move further away and reduce the time you sit there. Might be worth a go and YOU'RE NOT A CRAP MUM

[rubyslippers]

you aren't a shit mum

you are knackered

i posted on your last thread about the sears book = it is really nice and has lots of ideas as to how to deal with stuff like this

google a method called gradual retreat/withdrawal - very gentle

you have been co-sleeping/feeding to sleep for a while so it won't change over night

also, stopping both at once is a big step

how about getting her used to going to bed and feeding her to sleep there, then gradually reducing that?

[Galena]

She is crying because you have taught her that the way to get what she wants is to cry. If you let her cry for a while and then give in, she learns that she still gets her own way so if she perseveres with crying you'll give in. If you really want to do CC, (and it's not the way forward for many people), you need to a) be consistent, and b) be prepared for some very hard nights. Alternatively there are books which might help you try a less traumatic method.

Perhaps a gradual withdrawal method would suit you better? You could start by nursung her to sleep in her bed, then nurse her and then get her to fall asleep with you lying on her bed next to her. Once she can do that, nurse her and get her to fall asleep with you sitting next to the bed, then gradually move away from the bed night by night till you're sitting by the door. THen outside the door, etc.

It takes a long time, but is less traumatic, and if at any stage she gets really stressy, you go back to the stage before.

The best idea is to have a plan, write it down and put it up somewhere, and make sure you STICK TO IT!

Hope this helps!

[rubyslippers]

x post with tummytime

[poshsinglemum]

Hi there,

thanks for the replies. I think I do need to write a plan.

I have tried gradual retreat but sometimes she will breastfeed for at least and hour but will still not sleep.

So I tried cc because I was at the end of my tether.

She is now shouting bed, bed. She means my bed, not hers.

[rubyslippers]

ok - what about you sleep with her and nurse her as usual

then on Friday night - so you have the weekend, you bite the bullet?

do you have anyone that can be with you to hold your hand through the process?

also, how about you make her room a nice place? Pick some bedding out, a new teddy and really big it up? Keep preparing her gently for the weekend when she wll sleep in her big girl bed

reassure her than mummy will be next door ...

maybe a night light?

[ampster]

Marking my place - I could have written your post, OP.

[poshsinglemum]

Hi again,

Ampster- I think that it's the conflict between wanting my evenings to myself but wanting dd to feel reassured.

CC works but I don't think d dfeels particularly reassured. Whenever I start cc I think of all the bad press it gets but whenevr I cave in I think that I am being too soft and inconsistent. You can't win in this mothering milarky I tell thee.

[poshsinglemum]

Just went and sng her some silly songs that cheered her up but did little to settle her.

[dorisbonkers]

Poshsinglemum. I'm in the same boat. I hugely vacillate between wanting my time (I've gone back to work three days a week so REALLY want some time, and not wanting to disrupt my daughter and to spend time connecting with her

My DD is 16 month and can on a bad night take 2 hours of bf to sleep and can wake frequently.

Then, sometimes she sleeps well and I'm just on edge and insomniac to the point of absolutely no sleep at all.

I'm about to try attempt 3 to get her to bed then will post my question -- how to move her to a bed. Or try Jay Gordon.

I feel your pain. Sometimes I really feel like a mug, other times that I'm only doing what feels good for her.

But yes, I want her to go to bed at 8 or so so I can get at least a couple of hours. I don't think I'm being heartless or selfish for wanting that!

[kentDee]

Hi

Im am in the same boat too, and im glad its not just me who is going through this every night!

I will be watching this thread very closely as I have run out of ideas, more like too tired to think anymore!

[moaningminniewhingesagain]

Poshsinglemum - I have a copy of the sears book, if you mean Night time parenting - that you can have FFP if you want it? Tis a bit stained/from ebay but very much aimed at cosleepers and I am not, still BF a 14mo back to sleep 3 times a night though so every sympathy.

CAT me if you would like it. I am also a bit end of tether-ish with the sleeping situation but don't know how to settle without BF frankly

[gingertoo]

You are not a crap mum - you are very, very tired and need some rest.

Ds3 was very difficult to settle for a long time - we also co-slept and breast fed - but he does settle well in his own bed now. This is what we do...

After his bath I get him dry and put on his PJs. We then go to the 'story box' and choose 3 books. We take the books to his bed, where we lie down and he had his breastfeed (knowing that he has got stories to come)
When he has finished his feed, we cuddle up on his bed and read the stories. I then tuck him into his bed (I now sit at the side) and I sing him Twinkle Twinkle and a couple of other lullabies while stroking his hair etc.
By this time, he is nodding but still awake so I say goodnight, give him a kiss and leave his room. He then (most nights!) goes to sleep!

By adopting this 'routine' we stopped the breast feed from being the thing that made him go to sleep. It became instead, a drink before bedtime. And it also made his bed the focus of bedtime rather than mine!

When we first tried it this way, he didn't like it when I left the room so I used to go out of the room but stay upstairs and potter arounf tidying the bathroom / sorting washing so that he could still hear me which seemed to help him settle.

Sorry for the long post, but I really know how you feel and hope that some of what I've said helps

Good luck

[osjo]

Hi you are not crap mum, just stressed and tired, it's hard not having the evenings to yourself and then being up on your own with a little one. My job is to help parents in the night get their babies and children to sleep all night in their beds till morning. It helps if you can get someone to help you through it. I would also suggest you set a week where you are prepared for at least 3 really tough nights and then things should be a bit better and you will see some improvement and to know what you are doing works and it will give you a positive to carry on, these things take up to 2 weeks to solve which isn't a very long time in the grand scheme of things, it will feel like much longer when you are going through it but well worth the effort. There are two key things to establish and they are getting your little one to learn how to fall asleep on their own, not on a breast or by rocking or you lying in bed with her, I would stick to a dinner, bath, story, feed routine then into bed and say good night, leave for only two mins and go back in or put her back into bed, just say night night, love you and leave the room again for another 2-3 mins, continue till she's asleep, this can take hours!!! (sorry) Then when she wakes again continue the same process and every time she wakes. The time it takes for her to settle will get less. For any sleep training to work you must be consistent, same thing every night and every time she wakes. This has work for me as a mum of three and with my clients. Good luck.

[poshsinglemum]

moaningminnie. It's very kind of you to offer me that book. I would really like it please. How do I cat you? Not sure what you mean.

DD is with me in bed now all snuggly. Yesterday she went to sleep in her own bed at 7.00 as had an early nap. Today she had a late nap so got distressed when I went downstairs, pulled her nappy off and did a poo on the floor. Seems arbitary to me.
Next week I'm going with cc again. I want to sort it. I know this is sooo selfish but I'm going away for the wknd in June and I want her to sleep well so mum can cope with abbysitting better.

[poshsinglemum]

Thanks also osjo for the advice. i'm going to start sunday night.

[moaningminniewhingesagain]

If you have paid for CAT you will probably know! Email me on puddleduckplusone at yahoo dot com if you prefer x

[IsItMeOr]

poshsinglemum - best of luck with your plan. If you're going for controlled crying, we have a plan that we put together for when we tried it with DS which I would be happy to share with you if you email me at isitmeor49 @ googlemail . com (without spaces of course).

The thing I found helpful to remind myself of while in the thick of it was something from the Ferber book - you are letting your child fall asleep by themselves, not letting them cry. If you let them cry for an hour and then go and get them up again, then you have just let them cry. Does that make sense?

[bbcwomen]

Hi there,

I'm working for Channel 4 and we are looking for families who are having difficulty getting their unders 4s to sleep to take part in a new series.

The families would get the opportunity to work with a top child sleep expert on a one-to-one basis. The expert believes that they can deal with most sleep issues within a 4 week period, and that sleepless nights will be a thing of the past.

If you want to know more please contact me/respond to this post or see our ad in the media requests forum

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/media_nonmember_requests/923567-Are-you-a-sleep-deprived-Parent-A-new-Channel-4

I have permission to put this post up by Mumsnet HQ.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Nastasia
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