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I think its time to start controlled crying.

(17 Posts)
poshsinglemum Tue 13-Oct-09 22:03:15

DD is 15 months old and bedtime is playtime. I have fed her to sleep and co-slept but now I am knackered.
I always cave in as I can't bear to leave her crying in her cot but I can't go on like this. It's 10 o clock and she is playing in the living room with me. sad Is controlled crying the way foward then?
Both sides of the story please.

flibertygibet Tue 13-Oct-09 22:27:08

DS is 6.5. I fed him to sleep, rocked him, co-slept (okay, admit it, I still do!). At one point - probably about the same age as yours, I couldn't take it anymore. Thought I should try 'controlled crying'. I put him down, said night night, put music on, left the room.

TWO HOURS LATER...he was still crying, by this time screaming, hyperventilating. He'd taken all his clothes off, was covered in sweat and by this time was whimpering. I just picked him up and he completely crashed.

I never tried controlled crying again. It just felt so cruel and so wrong.

I never 'cracked' the sleeping thing and I have never figured out whether it something you have to start from day 1, or whether some children just need to be with their parent/s to sleep.

So I'm sorry, I'm not much help with this one. All I can say is I feel your pain. But this phase goes SO quickly and I can now tell you that my ds is going to sleep on his own, he's a lovely, well-adjusted, confident little thing.

Hang in there.

thisisyesterday Tue 13-Oct-09 22:31:39

ds2 was like that.
he is now 2 and sleeps beautifully (most of the time)

if she is still wide awake at this time then i would maybe re-evaluate the whole day.

what are her naps like?
is she sleeping a lot during the day so is awake now?
or does she not nap much, and then get overtired and find it very difficult to sleep?

tbh i have always gone with get them to sleep whatever way i can and it seems to ahve worked lol

colditz Tue 13-Oct-09 22:34:03

Lie down in her room and completely ignore her. Pretend to be asleep. Half heartedly shush and pat - nothing interesting.

I've always thought of controlled crying as an absolute last resort (like when ds1 decided age 1 that 2 am was morning)

bibbitybobbityCAT Tue 13-Oct-09 22:39:55

Does she have a nap at home in in her cot during the day?

I'd start with the daytime nap if you can. Be 100% patient with her. Each time you go in whisper "its time to sleep now dd" and touch her gently but briefly. No other words at all.

Try giving her a tshirt you've worn to cuddle up to.

Our lives were transformed after our babies learned to settle back to sleep in the night. Controlled crying took 3 nights, for both of them (at about 9 or 10 months) - the longest time we ever spent going in and out of the room was 45 minutes.

rosieposey Tue 13-Oct-09 22:46:01

I'm on night 4 of CC for my DS, it was a bit of a last resort too. He is a nightmare for going to sleep, fights it to the last but if he is stimulated too much he just wont sleep at all and gets really grumpy.

He also is rubbish at sleeping during the day, its our fault i think because my older girls cuddle him to sleep most of the time and if it wasn't them it was my DH (this is his first baby). Given that it was so long since my last i went along with this but as he is 8 months now i really really want my evenings back, added to that its not fair on him and he needs his sleep.

I didn't think that there would be any way that he would settle himself and i'm with the other posters here when i say that i think CC is only for some babies not all. There is no way i would leave him to cry for say more than 20/25 minutes, its pointless and feels really cruel. That said he tested me well and truly on Saturday night and screamed solidly till he fell asleep, this made me very and i didn't want to do it again the next night but i had read on here where people had has success in just a few nights so i thought it was worth persevering with.

Sunday night he cried too but only for about 5/10 mins and last night he didn't cry at all, he realised what was going on when the light was off, his back was stroked and we said goodnight i think - he grumbled a little and tossed around for about 5 minutes then conked out. Tonight he just laid there for about 2 minutes getting himself comfortable then went straight to sleep no crying or anything.

I don't want to tempt fate by saying that we have cracked it in just 4 days and i would honestly say that we don't have an absolute bedtime - it can vary by up to an hour as i want him to go to bed when he is tired rather than lay awake and get upset. Just do what your instincts tell you with your lo and see if you can manage just 20 mins to start with. If you aren't comfortable with it though don't do it as i don't think that it will do either you or her any good at all. HTH's and good luck!

poshsinglemum Wed 14-Oct-09 05:48:14

Thanks all. One reason why I cave in and bring her downstairs is because there's always something on tv and I don't want to be in the nursery for hours on end singing lulabies. I want to chill.

What I might do is a gradual retreat. Sit in the nursery the first night or go next door to my room and pop back in every 5 minutes. I will resist temptation to bring her to the lounge.

I long to have me time and get on with some hobbies. sad
I have made a rod. sad for my own back

Knickers0nMaHead Wed 14-Oct-09 05:54:28

we are on our 3rd week of cc with 11mo old ds. It isnt going that gond although he settled off to sleep straight away last night and seems to be going longer between waking.

Shells Wed 14-Oct-09 05:55:11

No you haven't made a rod etc. etc. Some babies are just not easy sleepers. Easily fixed though. And you do need a few nights set aside with no time for you. Just keep thinking of the lovely evenings ahead of you when she's asleep by 7 every evening.

Make a plan and stick to it. There are loads of methods (not all controlled crying), but all of them basically insisting that she goes to bed and goes to sleep. MN is full of them.

Just remember it will take a several times to get there.

Good luck!

"Thought I should try 'controlled crying'. I put him down, said night night, put music on, left the room.

TWO HOURS LATER...he was still crying"

I would like to state that this is not controlled crying. I would like to see the book that recommends you leave your child crying for 2 hours without going in.

Poshsinglemum if you would like to try controlled crying I recommend you buy the book and read about it, and remember you can always amend it slightly for example never leave them for more than 5minutes before going back in instead of the slightly longer periods.

Saying that you really should only do it if you think you can a) stick with it (no point if you give up the first night) and b) suits your style of parenting.

Whilst I understand why you want your evenings back and I also understand how boring it is sitting in a black nursery I think doing gradual retreat and see if that works might be the best plan. Do you have an ipod? If so load up an audio book (make sure back lighting is on dim) and just listen to that whilst you are sitting there. Good Luck.

FlightAttendant Wed 14-Oct-09 06:45:54

Libra that's very true - leaving a child to scream for two hours is very likely to cause actual damage sad

I don't know much about CC and the 'proper methods' but I think yes, it does feel like you can't go on sometimes whent hey are toddlers and still up at night, but honestly, babies just are not predictable and I don't believe they are trainable.

I think the only thing leaving them engenders is a sense of giving up.

I'm sorry but reading some of these stories makes me cry.

So what if they are awake at odd times? It doesn't last forever. Do whatever it takes for you to relax - just keep her with you, whatever - but don't leave her to cry if you can avoid it, certainly not for 2 hours.

izzybiz Wed 14-Oct-09 07:14:08

Cc dosen't have to be harsh, you can tweak it to suit you and your child.

With my Dd we did it by the book, 1st night leaving her for 5, 10, then 15 mins and kept gooing back every 15 mins.
Next night was 10, 15, and 20 mins, and so on.
You get to a stretch of 45 mins in the end, NEVER any longer, we never got that far, it took 3 nights.

With my Ds we have recently done it again, we had to be a little different with him because of Dd being asleep!!

I never left him any longer than 10-15 mins, was just silent, lay him back down and leave, repeat as neccesary! grin
He was sleeping through within 3 weeks.

I will just say, once you have made the decision and started CC it would be cruel to stop, all the crying would have been for nothing, good luck!! smile

skinsl Wed 14-Oct-09 19:29:48

I bf DS to sleep, then cuddled him to sleep then co-slept. tried cc at 8months but didnt work, however it was half-hearted. Did it again when he was about 15month, stuck to my guns and it worked after 7 nights.
Have to re-iterate, leaving them crying for 2 hours is not cc. CC is very specific and only works if you do not falter. and agree with izzybiz, if you stop, then all the crying will have been for nothing.
I did 5 mins, then 7,9,and every 2 mins. The longest he cried for was 1/2 hour.
the expert advice, I found a little confusing, cos it differs slightly, but basically you dont leave them for ages, and you go back in to reassure them at set intervals, not saying much, but it makes them feel reassured.

I would recommend it , but I can completely understand that it could just be too upsetting.

nosferartifartu Wed 14-Oct-09 19:42:35

Hi poshsinglemum - I am popping over from the other 'bedtime is playtime' thread to see how it's going. I have been doing a sort of gradual withdrawal and I stuck to what I did last night and tonight was a bit better. I am sitting just outside his room (a week ago I had to be in the room) and as long as he is just chattering etc I leave him to it but as soon as he stands up, I go and lie him gently back down. Last night was 31 times and 1 hour; tonight was 11 times and 25 minutes. Of course, tomorrow night could be worse than ever!

How is your night tonight? Better, I hope.

flibertygibet Fri 16-Oct-09 19:36:21

Can I just clarify that I didn't leave ds to cry on his own for 2 hours! I went in every 5 minutes/10 minutes to reassure him. I tried it over several nights, attempting to follow the 'rules', with a trusted friend on the phone talking me through it. The longest I left him was probably 12 minutes.

After 2 hours of this, we were both shattered and I gave up.

He's 6 now, I have forgotten some of the details!

Having re-read my post I can see how that must have sounded.

flibertygibet Fri 16-Oct-09 19:40:17

And fwiw, I would never recommend controlled crying for longterm breastfed babies.

If I had a second dc, I would start from day 1 and put them down to sleep on his/her own. While it was lovely to bf/rock/cuddle him to sleep, I don't think I'd have the time to do it again.

bloss Fri 16-Oct-09 20:20:03

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