Supporters of CC please slap me down(22 Posts)
Went round to see a friend this evening. She has a 5 wk DS who she said would be in bed by 7 so we could have a drink and a natter. He wouldn't settle so she left him to cry - she says she doesn't want him to learn she'll respond to every cry and would only leave him 10-20 min at the most. Now the thought of CC makes me feel a bit sick, that's just not my style (she prob thinks I'm a sap for never putting DS down lol ). I know it's none of my business and I shouldn't say anything, right?
I know, I'm just posting because I found it so so sad and she's really not a nasty person so I was very surprised. But I know I shouldn't interfere so would like fans of CC to tell me that this isn't harmful so I can stop fretting about it
If it was me I may anonymously email her this and also buy her a copy of the no cry sleep solution as a gift.
I've read that before, just makes me feel worse She says you can find stuff to support any pov ... Need to go to bed and sleep off the wine and keep reminding myself that it's her baby her choice and there's "no evidence of harm" ...
When my dd was 3 weeks old a friend of DH's and his wife came to visit with their 9 month old. I remember dd crying and the wife telling me to leave her, she was "trying it on". She said that if she knew that her dd was fed, changed and not ill then she'd always just left her to cry.
Who could possibly think a 3 week old could be manipulative?
NO fan of CC would agree with the methods your friend is using. This is NOT CC. You friend might not be nasty but she is misguided.
Yes, there is evidence of harm done by CC actually. Get her What Every Parent Needs to Know by Margot Sutherland. There is actual good science saying how harmful it can be to the brain's development.
I don't know what I'd do you in your situation as you may well lose a friend over something like that - I guess I'd need to weigh up potential benefits to infants mental health vs. potential risk to friendship...
Thanks for the replies. I think she is following <whisper it> TCLBB - I had a quick flick through last night in my drunken haze (got it in a charity shop and that's the first time I've opened it!) and it says things like "leave baby to settle himself for 20 min" which I guess could be interpreted as leaving to cry for 20 min. Should also make clear that it wasn't full out hysterical screaming (but not just grizzling either). Ugh so every time I think about it. Still not sure what to do
Not heard of that book before flamingo, but if i was you HP I'd buy her a copy of that and also the NCSS. Just say something like oh someone bought me these and I thought they were really good/interesting so I've got you the same ones. Hope you like them.
agree with libra, this is not CC - it is merely leaving a baby to cry. no "control" about it and anyone who follows CC would tell you that they wouldn't dream of doing it with such a tiny baby.
I have a friend who did the same, whenever her baby was put down for a nap she left him crying for 20 mins before going to check on him, and if he wakes up during the night he is still left for 20 mins. made me very . and I am a CC fan, used it with DS when he was over 6 months and NEVER left him for as long as 20 mins to cry.
Sorry, I know it isn't really CC but didn't think I'd find many CIO fans.
Don't know if she'd read anything I gave her - think she'd just see it as an opposing argument but not necessarily the right one. I know I need to accept that we have very different parenting styles (and she has never criticised mine).
Your friend isn't using CC. CC is about reassuring the baby/child that you will come back, and isn't about leaving the child for 20 minutes. It is a process carried out over a period of days/weeks. And it certainly isn't suitable for small babies!
Personally I think your friend is mad and is missing out on some precious time with her new baby.
All the information about CC is clear that there's no point trying with a tiny baby. For your friend, I would try not to make it an emotional issue, keep your sadness for her baby to yourself and just say you're surprised as all the CC information you've read (as if you are a huge CC fan) says that babies are incapable of 'learning' until they're at least 6mths, so it wouldn't have any effect. Try to be gentle on her, and remember how traumatic life with a newborn can be. Appearing to criticise her is likely to kill your friendship without helping either her or her baby.
I know, I really don't want to upset or criticise her. Good idea to say (if it comes up) that we are planning to use it when our DS is older but no point now.
Thanks for the replies and letting me get it out rather than putting our friendship in jeopardy
I did gradual withdrawal because I am a wuss, not because of any ethical reasons
however a friend of mine has three children all of whom slept right through from several weeks old, she said that they never cried
once we went on holiday with them in a cottage and we heard two of her children crying in bed during the night; and she realised that maybe because her home was so damn big with big thick walls and doors that they had cried, she had just not heard them
all three kids are older now, and they are fine; very bright, well adjusted, loving happy children
TCLBB does say "give baby up to 20 mins to settle itself" - we follow GF but I thought that part was a load of rubbish - and I think she means leave them if they are just grumbling but she's not very clear. I do agree with leaving a baby to see if they will settle themselves back to sleep but at that age I think I left DS for 2 mins at a time max.
I must say, I love GF as the book really helped me understand what DS needed (sleep/feed times) but you do also need to use your common sense to ignore some parts.
As other have said this is not CC
but Gina's latest invention: 'Crying down',
aka good old CIO.
(as far as I remember from reading the latest edition of her book in the shop)
Best option for you is to remain supportive
and be ready to offer her alternatives IF she asks for help.
Personally, even when I left DS1 to cry when he was over 6months old it killed me! I would break down crying myself because I so badly wanted to go to him. However I now have a well balenced son who sleeps through every night unless he is ill so was definatly worth it IMO. He even sleeps through DS2 waking up and they share a bedroom.
DS2 is now 12weeks old and I wouldn't dream of leaving him to cry deliberatly. It must be very stressful for your friend to wait 20minutes as maternal instict in most people would make you want to comfort your poor baby.
Can only echo, let her do it her way but offer support, advice, alternatives if and when she needs it.
Thanks ReallyReally - that's the kind of thing I need to hear.
belly I think she must have nerves of steel - it usually doesn't bother me if it isn't my DC but I did find it hard to take She did eventually go and get him though.
To be fair I don't know if this was usual or if he was unsettled because of me being there etc.
Anyway, her baby her choice, her baby her choice her baby her choice ... Thanks for letting me vent.
Possibly not nerves of steel, she might have been desperate to appear on top of everything and not wanting to come across as some kind of neurotic new mother stereotype.
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