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Co-Sleeping. I need back up and encouragment!

(21 Posts)
twinklingfairy Fri 05-Jun-09 21:47:54

My Mum is convinced that my DS is as clingy, to me, as he is because he is co sleeping.
I have tried to fight my corner and say that this just isn't strictly true, but I am beginning to be beaten back again.
Am now starting to question myself.
Maybe he will be an easier baby if he gets into his own bed.
(Though his own bed will have to be in with DD, which will be a whole other thread! How the heck do you combine a perfectly good sleeper with a rubbish one?)
She and Dad also believe that I need to get him into his own bed in order that he will sleep through, which he is not doing yet at 7 months.

Help me, I need some encouragement and wonderful stories of perfect sleeping/confident toddlers.grin

luxlisbon Fri 05-Jun-09 21:57:36

I think you just have to do what you are happy with. I'm a routine non-co-sleeper but thats what suits me and sod anyone who thinks I should be otherwise.
I think you need to tell your parents that it is your decision and you will do what you think is right for your DS (whatever that may be).

justlookatthatbooty Sat 06-Jun-09 06:12:54

our experiences with a clingy DS were quite the opposite....he became much more clingy when we tried to put him in his own bed...and we perservered for 14 months! in the end we gave up and accepted that for him, the co-sleeping was his way of feeling secure and safe and we are happier with that than some applied notion that we'll all be better off if we force independence on him. Different strokes for different kids I think. The older generations also have their conditioning to deal with so I can understand where your parents are coming from....but stick to your own instincts, don't doubt yourself and enjoy as it will all be over in a flash and he'll be refusing to get close to you in a few years when he's far too cool for all that!

Good luck!

iris66 Sat 06-Jun-09 06:37:52

justlookatthatbooty - my experience is similar to yours. DS1 and DS2 both co-slept but DS1 needed much more reassurance and didn't sleep through a whole night 8-6 without a cuddle/bf until 14mths (DS2 was about 10mths). Both are now a great sleepers in their own beds and are very confident, independant little boys (3 & 19mths).

twinklingfairy - I questioned myself constantly during my mum's assertions that they "should" be in a cot / left to cry / were taking me for a fool and "playing me" from birth shock. It made me feel such a failure at the time (both as a mother, and as a daughter - for not doing what I was told!!! - I'm 42 FGS!! hmm) It's really hard to trust your instincts sometimes but persevere. You know your child, what he needs and how to comfort him. Sounds like you're doing brilliantly - he'll go into his own bed when he (and you) are ready. Don't worry and good luck smile

Tambajam Sat 06-Jun-09 07:03:53

I know this is easier said than done but I actually feel that you don't need more ammunition about co-sleeping in order to fuel this fight. You need to stop the fight. This is your child and your mothering and I don't think it's healthy for your parents to have this much affect on how you feel about your decisions. As I say, easier said than done.
Babies are supposed to be 'attached to us'. For the majority of human history up until today, co-sleeping has been the natural state of affairs. It's only been devalued in modern Western industrialized society and it doesn't appear we are all better off for it. Instead we value a baby's 'independence' and 'self-reliance' against our natural instincts. If you read 'Our Babies Ourselves' by Meredith Small you can gain perspective on just how bizarre the parenting attitudes of our culture are.
I co-slept with both my children (still do with my 18th month old). My eldest was quite clingy but my youngest is incredibly independent and confident and sleeps well.

But as I say I think the bigger picture here is to set up a relationship with your parents where they respect that YOU are the parent and your choices will be different. It's simply exhausting to imagine them having such an influence over the next few decades of choices. I think a bigger conversation needs to be had here where you explain that your choices won't always fit theirs and you are not going to welcome a constant disrespect for your desire to follow your parenting instincts.

puddock Sat 06-Jun-09 07:36:01

For a 7 month old, not sleeping through the night is absolutely normal. Being clingy as separation/stranger anxiety kicks in at the same sort of age is also absolutely normal.
It sounds to me like you're doing fine, I hope your parents can learn to respect your choices, or failing that, that you can learn to let their negative comments wash over you and not dent your confidence.

PresidentTaylor Sat 06-Jun-09 08:30:37

None of mine were sleeping through at that age - it is still quite little so I wouldn't worry about that yet. I sort of co-slept with DC1 and mainly co-slept with DC2, and totally co-slept with DC3!

By about 10 months they were all in their own cots in their own room and sleeping pretty well. DC3 is only 11 months and had been sleeping ok for the last month or so (from about 8-6 most nights), and of the 3 was the least happy to sleep in her cot when tiny. At 7 months she was completely attached to me all night and woke if I moved an inch away from her! I thought it was going to be more difficult to get her into her cot when older but it has just evolved that way and I think she is now happy in her cot because I waited until she was older and ready for it.

Not saying that co-sleeping is for everyine, but it suited me and my babies.

One of my DCs has been a mega clingy baby but I think that is more personality than anything to do with co-sleeping.

Agree with Tambajam though. This level of interference from parents is not on. You shouldn't have to defend what you are doing. Must be very annoying to have to justify why you are doing things a certain way.

twinklingfairy Sat 06-Jun-09 11:43:12

Oh Thank you everybody!
iris66 that is exactly how I was feeling last night, like I was letting my mum down by 'doing it wrong' when I had done so well with my DD. Totally non co sleeping and slept through from 12 weeksshock

But I keep trying to tell her that this is just the way DS is and that co sleeping or not I doubt it will make any difference to either his clingy temprament or his lack of sleeping through.

She tells me he will get better if he is left to cry it out for a few days and that, once he has been given his independance, he will be a much more pleasant baby.
I was weakening, thinking that perhaps it was about time, anyway, that he was in his own cot.
I have arranged DDs old cot as a bedside cot, DS slept ok in that for a few nights but now insists on being close to me again so it lies empty.
I also tried CC last night, cos he is calling me upstairs too early (left to cry for 10, calmed, 10 more mins crying then 20 mins sleep and the whole thing began again!). 1.5hrs later and I was knackered and wanted my bed so he 'won' in the end anyway.

I just don't want the upset.
She tells me I will have to in the end and all the while I don't I am making it harder for myself, and him.

Do any of you have to have DCs sharing a room
How on earth will I do that!!

twinklingfairy Tue 09-Jun-09 22:02:11

president how did you get your DD into her own cot, you say it 'evolved'??hmm

Shooflypie Wed 10-Jun-09 01:07:42

TF, Dr Sears books/website will give you the reassurance to trust your instincts about what's right for your DS.
(And I think it's perfectly normal for all babies to go through a clingy phase at this age, isn't it?)

DS is 14 mo and is currently in the process of graduating to his cot. We co-slept with him blissfully happily for the first year but recently noticed that the quality of everyone's sleep was becoming less good. DS having got that much bigger, the bed was becoming rather cramped for three and we were waking each other up.
So now DS sleeps in his cot in our room. If he wakes up in the night I either a) take him into our bed, cuddle him back to sleep and put him back in his cot b)fall back to sleep so quickly myself that he just stays in with us.
He is now spending most of the night in the cot, and it's proving to be a very mellow transition.
(I had somehow envisaged that you'd need to go 'cold turkey' re stopping co sleeping but in practice it's more of an evolution, as President said.)

MoominMymbleandMy Wed 10-Jun-09 02:21:13

We co-slept with a now 10-year-old until she was two or three, and she was, and is a very confident, independent child.

As others have said it is much easier to make a gradual transition to a separate bed, and she always knew she was welcome to pop back if she wanted.

I thoroughly recommend Deborah Jackson's Three in a Bed for co-sleeping advice.

TooTicky Wed 10-Jun-09 04:57:27

Only 7 months? Blimey. It is perfectly natural for 7 month olds to be clingy. It is an innate survival instinct.

I have co-slept with all 4 of mine and have found that the longer they co-sleep, the more confident they are.

It really is an excellent start in life and only in our culture is it questioned.

Have you read Three in a Bed by Deborah Jackson?

brightongirldownunder Wed 10-Jun-09 05:03:44

No way does it make them too clingy!
At 7 months he's a tiny baby and will still want to be close to his mum.
My DD not only refuses to co-sleep with us now (stopped by herself at 11 months) but she happily runs out of the house in the morning to the childminder's car, without even saying goodbye sad. Thats an independent child in my books!
Don't worry about what anyone else thinks - you know your son and it sounds like you're doing brilliantly.

brightongirldownunder Wed 10-Jun-09 05:04:33

Hi TooT x

TooTicky Wed 10-Jun-09 05:16:38

bgdu smile

brightongirldownunder Wed 10-Jun-09 05:17:52

go to bed x

TooTicky Wed 10-Jun-09 05:21:30

no point now

sorry for hijack blush

brightongirldownunder Wed 10-Jun-09 05:26:25

My fault - sorry twinklingfairy.

twinklingfairy Thu 11-Jun-09 20:18:43

I have ordered the Three in a bed book and have read the page on co sleeping on the Dr Sears website.
Cheers for both those suggestions ladies.
I am feeling much happier with my decision and, funnily enough, DS and I had a pretty good nights sleep last night toosmile
PMA, what a great thing!
I think it had a bit to do with turning the clock on it's face too. We had a wee power cut last night so the time was well out. Knowing that is wasn't there to look at, I didn't, and I think it made me worry less about what time of night it was, how much sleep I had managed to get or how long I was up feeding.
I think I will try putting it away again tonight.

I am so tempted to send my mum a link to the Dr Sears website but I think I will have to pre warn her first.

TooTicky Thu 11-Jun-09 22:33:33

smile

MoominMymbleandMy Fri 12-Jun-09 17:13:44

I'm so glad things are working out for you.

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