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polite replies please

(81 Posts)
mogwai Mon 25-Apr-05 19:14:00

A little while ago, I started a thread asking whether it was ok to put a new baby in a full sized cot. I am thinking of putting the baby in it's own room, but wasn't asking for an opinion on that at the time, just asking about the cot.

Unfortunately, the thread turned a bit weird and I was slated by some mumsnetters and actually called "cruel" by one mother because I am planning for my baby to be in it's own bedroom as soon as possible. It was even suggested that there was an increased risk of cot death if my baby couldn't smell me and rather than being supported by more experienced mothers, I felt there was a tone of "huh, we know better than you, don't be ridiculous"..

I'm still interested in the topic and would like to hear from anyone whose baby has slept in their own room. Did you put them into a cot from the early days and how did it work out for you?

I do not want to get involved in further debate about whether this makes me a cruel mother, thanks all the same, so please don't post if this is your agenda. I am by no means a cruel mother, just a pragmatist and light sleeper with a husband who works long hours and also needs his rest. Interested in your experiences.

mogwai Mon 25-Apr-05 19:16:19

oh yeah, and I'm still intrigued about why it's ok for baby to nap where he can't smell me during the day, yet the same practice would risk cot death during the night. At what point can the baby live without being able to smell me?

Hulababy Mon 25-Apr-05 19:17:24

My DD went ina cot from about 2 weeks. I t was a bedside cot - full size. She hated her rocking brib (which luckily we'd only borrowed) and much prefered the space the big provided her with.Ahe wore sleeping bags in bed too, so didn't have the covers worry.

Whilst the cod death/sids provention advice does recommend keepigng the baby in your room with you for the first 6 months, only you can decide what works best for you. However, as I am sure you realise anyway, sleepless nights for all three of you are order of the day for the first few weeks/months regardless of where baby sleeps!

Good luck.

Hulababy Mon 25-Apr-05 19:18:00

cot - not cod.

I have no idea about the smell issue at all.

charleepeters Mon 25-Apr-05 19:20:24

Hi sorr yyou had some problems with past threads i dint read it so cant say much about it, we put ds in his own room in his cot at about 3 months basicly because our room isnt big enough for his cot and he didnt like to sleep i a moses basket, we didnt need a baby monitor because we live i a small flat so we could alway hear him, he slept through at 6 months fine, we never had any problems with him, i know health visitors say dont put baby in there own room untill 6 months but if thats not working for you then as long as your carefull and check on baby regualy then im sure everything will be fine, im not a proffesional so i cant say for sure but ds is not 8 months and sleeping fine in his room in his cot, he was only in a moses basket for about 4 wweks he seemed to prefer a cot dnt know why i think its because he can see more in the cot. anyway do what you feel is right i always say as a parent you knwow hats best for your baby, and aslong as your being safe then its fine im sure.

crunchie Mon 25-Apr-05 19:21:03

wow mogwai I am sorry that there was a thread like that it I missed it, and I woul dhave supported you. I didn't sleep well (nor did d) until she was in her own room at about 8 weeks

However cot wise - I don't see why not, ust remeber the 'feet to foot' rule, where you make up the cot right at the bottom, so the baby canot wriggle down and under the covers IYKWIM. No pillow and no cot bumper at this stage either. Sheets and lightweight blankets are OK.

BTW my only comment will be you don't know how you will feel when the baby comes, you never know you might chage your mind and end up co-sleeping into toddlerhood

Merlin Mon 25-Apr-05 19:21:15

My DS1 was in his own room from 4 weeks, no problems at all. Planning to do the same with DS2 (2 weeks old at present). Sorry don't know about the smell issue either and I agree with your point about the daytime sleeping - why is nighttime different? Perhaps someone can enlighten us? At the end of the day, I think you should do what you are happy with and is best for your circumstances.

marne Mon 25-Apr-05 19:22:10

Not cruel at all, i put my dd in her own room, in a cot when she was 2 weeks old, she slept alot better than she did in our room, the health visiter told me to try her in the cot as she wouldnt sleep for more than an hour in her moses basket.AS long as you use a baby monitor i cant see that there is anything wrong with puting your baby in its own room.
Good luck, hope it works for you.

carras Mon 25-Apr-05 19:22:21

mogwai, my DS2 went straight into a big cot with blankets at first, then a grobag and was absolutely fine! we did keep him in our room until he was about 5 months, then he went into his own room.

Merlin Mon 25-Apr-05 19:22:44

Should add that we have monitor with the sensor pad that goes under the mattress so that helps me to be more relaxed about him being in another room.

WigWamBam Mon 25-Apr-05 19:26:03

My dd has slept in her own room from the first day home. I was called cruel, too, but she slept well on her own, we could hear her when she cried and went to her when she needed us, so I don't believe it was/is cruel at all. Certainly I now have an almost 4 year old who sleeps well and is secure and happy in her own bedroom. We haven't had any problems with her wanting to sleep in our bed, and transition to a bed from a cot was easy because she was used to sleeping in her own room.

With regard to a newborn sleeping in a big cot, we found it easier to put her in her carry cot inside the big cot, so that she didn't roll around and hurt herself (she was rolling over and over from about two months). She slept in the carry cot until she was 6 months.

If you felt that the baby would benefit from being able to smell you then you could always put something in the cot that smells of you. You could sleep with a muslin square for a few nights then put it into the cot, although we didn't find that our dd needed to smell us to sleep. I honestly can't see why being able to smell you would lessen the risk of cot death.

The one thing that I would say, though, is to be prepared to feel differently about it once a baby is born. I didn't, but I know of people who did. Go with the way you feel, and don't let anyone else make you feel bad for making the choices that you make.

SenoraPostrophe Mon 25-Apr-05 19:26:20

dd was in a cot in her own room from about 2 months (when she started sleeping more than about 6 hours).

Do you have your baby yet? If not it might be better to just wait and see. dd and ds both slept in our room initially mostly because it was easier to get to them quickly that way.

Dd also slept in a big cot from about 3 weeks (but in a room with me - dh rubbish at broken nights). no problems with that at all.

Re the cot death argument - I have seen cot death prevention sites which mention it, but really the important things are that you lie baby on his/her back and don't smoke. I just thought I'd mention this to show that a) I don't think you're cruel but b) I think the person who originally posted the comment meant well.

SenoraPostrophe Mon 25-Apr-05 19:27:37

merlin - those sensor pads don't work under big cot matresses.

mogwai Mon 25-Apr-05 19:28:39

the sensor pad thing would also make me feel a bit more relaxed, but I'll bet my husband would say the opposite about me.

A friend of mine used one, but she has obsessive compulsive disroder and bought it to stop herself "checking" the baby constantly. How do they work? What are they sensing?

Mud Mon 25-Apr-05 19:32:10

I saw that thread and actually posted to you on it. I think you are being unfair to the poster in question who actually posted an apology to you which seemed quite reasonable to me. I also don't think it turned especially weird although you might not have been reading what you wanted to read

Unfortunately when you post for advice from 'more experienced mothers', you get advice from 'more experienced mothers'. You also got quoted information from SIDS regarding sleeping in their own room.

As I said on the other thread, try not to take it personally when people offer advice you disagree with, it'll get a whole lot worse when the baby is born

mogwai Mon 25-Apr-05 19:32:42

oh thanks for all your constructive ideas. I knew MNetters were a good bunch really, it just throws you when you have a bad thread!!

I think you are all saying the same thing about waiting to see how you feel. I know some people say they can't bear for their new baby to be out of their sight, I guess I just haven't experienced that yet.

I do feel sure I want the baby to be in it's own room as soon as we are all comfortable with the idea, for all the reasons given here. I really can't stress too much how lightly I sleep, but then again, perhaps I'd be worse if baby was across the hall!

tigi Mon 25-Apr-05 19:33:44

my baby made such a noise in his sleep, that i moved him into his own room after a couple of weeks. I used a monitor, but he still sounded like he was next to me, so turned it off. I was very tuned into the sounds he made, and was always awake in an instant if he made a different sound anyway. It did him no harm. I've never heard about the smell issue before, except when during a feed. He slept in a moses basket though- not a cot.

mogwai Mon 25-Apr-05 19:33:59

thankyou for posting mud, you are so, so, so right

mogwai Mon 25-Apr-05 19:35:49

the reason it turned weird, by the way, was because I was asking a question about the cot, nothing about the room. The cot issue was kind of ignored a bit in favour of the issue about the room, which I hadn't asked for advice about.

Mud Mon 25-Apr-05 19:37:06

they are kind of organic that way are threads, they tend to encompass wider remits than the actual post and sometimes go off on complete tangents

aloha Mon 25-Apr-05 19:40:00

This is from the charity The Foundation for the Study of Infant deaths. It seems nobody is quite sure why sharing a room cuts cot death, but it does. Obviously you are free to make choices about where your baby sleeps, and lots and lots of people do sleep separately from their baby and aren't in the least bit cruel, but I think it's worth having all the info before you decide. BTw my own ds didn't sleep in the same room for six months, but having found this out, dd will. A cot is a great place for a baby to sleep!
Sleep safe, sleep sound, share a room with me”

The Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths and Babies R Us have joined forces to promote the important health message that “the safest place for a baby to sleep is in a cot in the parents’ room for the first six months”.  This is known to substantially reduce the risk of cot death.  In the largest ever cot death study, it was found that over half the deaths (52%) might have been prevented if the baby had slept in the parents’ room but not in their bed (1).


crunchie Mon 25-Apr-05 19:40:45

BTW mogwai you will sleep very differently once the baby is born, even now I can be in the deepest sleep, but if one of my girls (they are 4 and 6) makes a squeak that is not normal I am awake in a flash and by their beds DH sleeps right on through It is a skill that never leaves a mother they seem to sleep with one ear open (well that is what it was like for me)

aloha Mon 25-Apr-05 19:42:06

The reason for the reduced level of cot death may be because you both sleep a bit more lightly. Dummies also cut the risk, possibly because they also keep the baby slightly more aroused in sleep.

motherinferior Mon 25-Apr-05 19:42:28

I think DD2 went into a cot very early, and shared a room with her sister from around four months; I just couldn't sleep at all with her around, and could never work out the SIDS issue either.

mogwai Mon 25-Apr-05 19:45:32

so what's the thing about the monitor again? What does it sense?

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