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Ok, so it feels like EVERYONE in rl is telling me that I should leave ds to cry, it will be horrible, but I'll get over it and he'll sleep much better. Can I have some reassurance that I'm not 'spoiling' him by feeding at night when he wakes, always going to him etc?

(70 Posts)
nolongerchunkybutstillapudding Thu 28-Aug-08 10:09:44

Whew, long post title, sorry!

This is doing my head in a bit. Ds is 7.5mo and not a brill sleeper, I am naturally not a cc or cio mummy but am getting advice from everyone that I should try it. They all mean well, I'm knackered and they are saying what worked for them but I think if it feels really uncomfortable to me surely its not right for us?

I have let him cry for about 10 mins a couple of times, it was horrible, he got really distressed and I felt like a witch.

I know that cio and cc have been brilliant for some (believe me I've been told it enough) but would like to hear stories/reassurance from super-soft headed mums like myself who have found that things really do settle down without having to follow that route?

and how do you deal with helpful 'advice' when you are starting to really doubt yourself and these people have all been there and sorted it?

ta lovelies for any wise words

xx

Oliveoil Thu 28-Aug-08 10:12:23

dd1 was a fab sleeper

dd2 was rubbish!

with dd1 when she cried I kind of sensed it was a whinge and she would settle if I left her

with dd2 she would get distraught and my gut would screech PICK HER UP YOU MUPPET

if it feels wrong then to with what you think is best

personally I couldn't leave either of mine to cry

dd2 was still feeding in the night - one bottle - until about 12 months iirc

theangelshavethephonebox Thu 28-Aug-08 10:15:04

I got all this and my way of dealing with it eventually was to lie and say ds was sleeping fine - and I wouldn't be drawn into further conversations about it. I also found a "gradual withdrawal" approach worked really well for me - going in, reassuring, staying by his side etc (if I was sure he wasn't hungry and just wanted reassurance). If I thought he was hungry I fed him.

I will admit though, that it took a long time for him to improve to the point of sleeping 11 hours without any waking at all - we are finally there at 2 years old. However, at about 18 months he was only waking once for a drink of water and going straight back to sleep so it wasn't really a problem.

policywonk Thu 28-Aug-08 10:17:09

Have you thought about co-sleeping? If you're sleeping separately but don't want to leave DS to cry, then you're going to have a lot of broken nights. If he's in the bed with you, it's a lot easier for you both to get back to sleep.

There are some posters on here who will tell you that leaving 7-mo-old babies to cry is fine, but personally I think it's a shame, to put it mildly.

As for starting to doubt yourself - the best remedy I've found for that was to post on here and get a lot of like-minded responses smile

TheBlonde Thu 28-Aug-08 10:19:45

I always fed mine, they went back to sleep much quicker that way

Now at 18 mths DD will resettle with just a cuddle but previously I've always given her milk

mum2jakeyroo Thu 28-Aug-08 10:20:22

I could never let either of my 2 cio etc but am paying for it now. He is nearly 2 and ends up in our bed every night when he wakes up but i like the cuddles

Oliveoil Thu 28-Aug-08 10:22:57

I posted this once before:

-------------------------------------

as with any parenting stuff, my only tip is:

what does your gut say?

if is is screaming PICK YOUR BABY UP YOU NUMPTY then pick him up

if it is saying OH HE SEEMS TIRED, GIVE IT A MINUTE then do that

do not follow any books or well meaning 'advice' from anyone else

you.
know.
best.

----------------------------------

CashmereKate Thu 28-Aug-08 10:24:21

I agree - tell lies and say he's sleeping well!

7.5 months is still so so young and so tiny. I could never leave mine to cry. We got there in the end - ds1 was 15 months and ds2 was 20 months before they slept through. When we started the process of cutting back on night feeds we knew it would take a while but that's how we wanted to do it. They are both good sleepers now (although very early risers hmm) and I'm so glad we did it the way we did. It took longer but it's only a short time in the scheme of things imho.

Some people can leave their children to cry, some people can't. If leaving them to cry feels wrong then it is wrong for you.

Oliveoil Thu 28-Aug-08 10:24:40

can you tell us how he feeds in the day? with dd2 I tried to fill her up more in the day and then she went down from 2 feeds to 1 in the night

LaTrucha Thu 28-Aug-08 10:30:38

I'm trying to fill DD up suring the day. She's the same age. But be warned - I went OTT at first and it put her off. I can't say it's had any major effect on her sleeping, which is very erratic.

AS the others say, you have to do what feels right for you. DH once left DD to sry and she did sleep until 5am but he does say he felt guilty for the next month and wouldn't do it again.

If you look here there's a variety of mums wrangling with similar problems with babies of a very similar age(although we are or were mostly bf and co-sleeping). The thread's been going for a while so you can see how we've progressed with our various methods. Feel free to join if it strikes a chord.

LaTrucha Thu 28-Aug-08 10:31:31

p.s. I think a lot of people lie too. I think it's because it's always the first question that strangers ask and you get fed up of answering honestly!

StarlightMcKenzie Thu 28-Aug-08 10:33:07

Message withdrawn

Sawyer64 Thu 28-Aug-08 10:34:46

I think IME CC is good for older babies really,even Toddlers.

The parents who come to this "stage",whereby they will try anything to get some sleep are prepared to "ignore" their gut instincts,and support each other through some hellish nights of feeling wretched and a lousy parent etc etc.

It sounds like you haven't and maybe never will reach this level of desperation.

So like the other posts are saying go with whats right for you....

Thats not trying to make light of your desperate need for an unbroken night etc.but your baby's need for comfort at the moment is the stronger pull,than your (selfish hmm) needs.

There are lots of "degrees" of CC that you may feel happier with,as has been suggested.
But definitely dont rush in,sometimes they just cry a little and settle themselves which is ultimately what you want to encourage.

Hopefully,most of the times this will start to happen,and occasionally you start to hear a real difference in the cry with the one you need to respond to.

beansprout Thu 28-Aug-08 10:35:22

Babies need cuddles, milk and clean bums and that's about it. Ds2 is also 7mo and "still" waking up in the night but that's because he is supposed to!! He is in a cot in our room and sometimes is in bed with me. I don't think I am spoiling him, just meeting his needs. In doing this I think I am raising a secure, happy baby who knows the world is a safe place, not one who is left feeling scared in the night as I won't go to him when he needs me. They are too young at this age to manipulate, plot, control etc, or any of the ridiculous, negative qualities that are often attributed to babies.

Do what you need to do as it sounds like you are doing fine.

Also, I just read "Three in a Bed". I am not co-sleeping all the time with ds2 but the book is brilliant as it reminded me of what babies really need. I would highly recommend it as I have gone from fretting a bit about what I am doing to feeling very comfortable and confident that ds2 is getting what he needs. smile

LaTrucha Thu 28-Aug-08 10:35:36

I think this is a good rule. We started it recently and it's much easier to get her off. She's in our room though, so it's slightly different.

LaTrucha Thu 28-Aug-08 10:36:26

Oh lord! I missed your name at first Chunky! Scratch the direction to the post and everything I said because you already know it. Sorry!

beansprout Thu 28-Aug-08 10:37:30

Starlight - we did that with ds1 - he always stayed in his room after bedtime, to avoid confusion! smile

Jacanne Thu 28-Aug-08 10:43:51

Both my children sleep through the night and have done since they were about 18 months old. One needed to be BF to sleep but was pretty good at staying asleep. The other "self-settled" but was crap at staying asleep - I saw no evidence that her ability to self-settle at bedtime helped her to go back to sleep during the night. It may seem like 18 months is forever away but it got better on the way - 4 hour stretches going to 6 hours to only one wake a night. A couple of times I tried to get them back off to sleep without feeding but then I was just awake for ages trying to settle them - BF them was so much easier. I also bought them into my bed when I needed to. Both of them sleep in their own beds now and have done so for a long time.

I got told lots of "rod for your own back" type stories but they didn't turn out to be true. The "No cry Sleep Solution" is a great book, if only because it reassures you that sleep problems are completely normal and that you shouldn't listen to anyone else.

So my advice is... Don't do CC or CIO...I personally don't think it's natural to ignore your child when it is crying and it doesn't sound like you do either, like you I tried it once and my DD, once she finally went to sleep (after I gave in and fed her) sobbed in her sleep for an hour and I felt like a monster.

annmar Thu 28-Aug-08 10:48:21

If its any consolation, DD2 is still feeding through the night at 16mths.

When we tried CC, she just cried until she was sick.

She goes down about 7-7.30 ish wakes up between 10.30 and 11.30, has milk, goes back down for an hour or two, then wakes up and comes and co-sleeps.

I would never tell anyone in RL this, because sleep seems to be a competition, but I laugh quietly to myself when people say that their baby doesn't sleep and then proceed to say they went down at 7 and woke up at 4.

DD1 still doesn't sleep well, she is 4 now and goes through phases of waking 4 or 5 times a night.

I have just accepted that my DDs don't sleep well, but then I never have either.

Just do what feels right to you, and as long as you are happy with the situation, tell everyone else to butt out.

mamadoc Thu 28-Aug-08 10:52:05

It can be done with no crying but it does take longer is my experience and it seems others have had similar.

Always bf DD on demand and never left her to cry and she started to sleep 7-6 most nights at 15mo.

In the meantime I found not feeling guilty about napping in the day, taking her into our bed after 1st wake up and trying to avoid the unsympathetic advice worked for us. (It does mean that you don't get to moan about being tired though!)

Now that she does sleep all the sleepless nights are fading from my memory (like childbirth really) and I'm glad that I never did anything I felt uncomfortable with.

mamadoc Thu 28-Aug-08 10:57:37

I've realised that sounds a bit smug and unsympathetic now...There were some horrible, horrible times on the way and dh and I discussed cc many times but just pulled back from it but I meant to say that there is a ray of hope at the end of the dark see deprived tunnel.

nolongerchunkybutstillapudding Thu 28-Aug-08 11:02:17

thanks for all the replies!

poloicywonk, yeah think thats what I'm doing, can't find any like-minded people out here so hooray for you lot!

Oliveoil, try to feed him lots in the day (am bf btw) but its generally up to him, he's a good eater, loves his milk but is easily distracted. quite into solids now tho not too keen on having them shovelled in, prefers to do it himself.

is also incredibly active, has been crawling since about 6.5 mo and it getting scarily good now, and has been pulling up to standing since about 7mo maybe just before. he just wants to DO STUFF!!! ALL THE TIME! which means hes bright n fun n lovely but blardy exhausting. have a cold at the mo so my desire to sleep even greater than ever, but he wants to climb the sofa.... grin

hi latrucha!!!

nolongerchunkybutstillapudding Thu 28-Aug-08 13:04:09

oh ps we don't co sleep but will bring ds into bed with us if we're having a rough night, especially over past few days as he took a temporary dislike to spending the wee small hours in his cot and i have been feeling really poorly.

last night stayed in cot til 5.30am then through to our room for a feed and snooze til 7.30... more feeding than snoozing tho grin

so that was a plus. the minus was that after the first 3.5 hr stretch he only went 1.5-2 hrs at a time without a feed...

his daytime napping has been shit lately but the past couple of days have been better, maybe this will help???

MrsMattie Thu 28-Aug-08 13:10:00

I could never really get on with leaving my son to cry. He'd cry so violently and for so long that it was just too distressing for everyone. He didn't sleep through the night completely (7pm-7am-ish) until he was 2.5 yrs old, but when he did, it was nothing I did or didn't do. He just did it.

Sorry, i know that's no help, is it? grin

MrsMattie Thu 28-Aug-08 13:11:09

p.s. I didn't listen to a word of advice from well meaning others. I read a few parenting guides in desperation, but frankly, they were a load of shite and I learned the hard way that family life runs so much more smoothly if you go with your instincts and ignore everyone else!

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