I finally lost my rag

(28 Posts)
Itsahardknocklife18 Tue 16-Feb-21 10:43:05

I feel awful, I think after 9 months I have resigned myself to the theory that I probably have quite bad post natal depression. I’m also sleep deprived. I’ve had enough, and no body seems to want to help.

A few weeks ago I posted a bit about my DD and her sleeping problems mixed with my previous cancer diagnosis and how I was getting literally NO sleep at times, but today, I finally lost it, the poor dog got the brunt of it as bless him he’s so enormous that he’s always in the way and when I’m holding baby he gets under my feet and I’m afraid one day I’m going to trip.

My immunity is starting to pack up now, after chemo it’s pretty fragile at the best of times, but at the moment it’s just plain non existent, let’s hope I don’t get c0vid 😂😭

I have to be so overwhelmed that in the end I end up asking family to help but I hate doing it as DD is my responsibility and don’t like to burden other people. My mother is pretty useless and doesn’t really want to help, and when she does it’s because I have no ability to carry on and she obliges begrudgingly.

Hubby is also just as useless as he refuses to get up in the night in the week and when he does (rarely) he throws a wobbly for having to get up, I get it, he’s tired, but hey, join the damn club!! My SIL was having her to help me out now and again but that has become less frequent as she is now working a lot more, my MIL is also useless and I don’t trust her with DD.

Frankly, I’m at a loss, Ive tried everything and don’t know what else to do. I’m not really looking for answers, just ranting and hoping for some moral support.

OP’s posts: |
DearTeddyRobinson Tue 16-Feb-21 10:51:35

Wtf - your husband throws a wobbly when he has to PARENT HIS OWN CHILD? And you have cancer and PND? Jesus what a useless fucker. Sorry your mum is crap too. My only suggestion might be, if you can afford it, is a night nanny for a couple of nights. Will give you a solid 10 hours kip at least. And your husband can bloody well pay for it. Sorry OP but I'm livid on your behalf b

ChakaDakotaRegina Tue 16-Feb-21 10:52:18

I’m sorry OP that sounds rough. Sending flowers

Night nurse so you can try to get a nights sleep?

BunnyRuddington Tue 16-Feb-21 10:56:37

You poor, poor thing. That sounds like so much to cope with. Are you getting any help from your local hospice or the Macmillan charity?

Have you spoken to your GP about possibly having PNI too? PANDAS have an excellent helpline. Could you give them a call and see what they suggest?

Nine months is really tough, there's a massive sleep regression. Could you tell your partner how you are feeling and get him to take some time off so you can rest? If not, could he get up with LO and give her breakfast and change her so that you can get a lie in?

If she's waking every 2 hours are you going to bed early too and is he dealing with the first few wake ups?

BabyMoonPie Tue 16-Feb-21 10:57:10

First, a virtual hug - sleep deprivation is shit. Have you spoken to your GP / Health Visitor? Do you have HomeStart in your area? I'm not sure how much they are doing in the pandemic but they may be able to help. Your husband appears to be an arse but he needs to step up. Parenthood means less sleep and it's not fair that you're the only one suffering.

Kate3150 Tue 16-Feb-21 11:23:44

It’s not surprised you’re feeling like you are sweetheart, I’m so sorry those closest to you cannot see you need some support.
Gosh, I don’t even know you and I’d offer to help you out if I could!
Is there anyway you could have a serious sit down chat with your Husband and explain how you’re feeling? Talk to him about your worries and concerns. Even if he could look after little one on his days off in the day and you could get some rest or in the evening so you could have a relaxing bath or whatever you need.
I think it might not be a bad idea speaking to your GP but I think you’d notice a world of difference if you got more help and support at home xx

Dillybear Tue 16-Feb-21 12:32:44

Hi OP, I remember your last thread. I’m sorry things haven’t gotten any better for you. You’ve listed lots of reasons why people can’t help or they’re not reliable, but your DH seems to be getting off lightly. I understand why the majority of night wakings fall to you if you’re off with the baby BUT you can’t function like this. He needs to do his bit here. He would be doing all of it if you walked out the front door and didn’t come back - he is just as responsible as you. Can he take one night a week? Can he take all the wakings up til 12am every night so you can get a chunk of sleep? Can he take time off and do a few nights in a row so you can get some rest? If he does this, can you sleep with earplugs in so you don’t even hear the baby?

I also just wanted to tell you that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I did a bit of controlled crying with my DD around 8.5m and it’s been life changing. She sleeps through most nights, and she is a happy, content, confident, joyful little soul who lets me know about it if anything is wrong! If you’re really at your wit’s end you might consider some sleep training? This doesn’t seem like a situation that can continue as it is. Sleep training is a few tough nights but if done correctly can make a big difference.

However, if that’s not for you, I have also noticed that my DD sleeps more deeply and more predictably, day and night. This seems to be developmental rather than a consequence of sleep training. I’ve seen a huge improvement in her sleep in the last 3 months (she’s one now). So even if you don’t want to sleep train, things might start to get better as your little one starts to get a little older.

I really hope things improve for you.

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Itsahardknocklife18 Tue 16-Feb-21 13:09:46

Afternoon ladies, although I can’t say I feel completely human, I can say I feel a little less alien now I have had an extra hour nap while missy went down.

I should have been more clear, I am not suffering with cancer at the moment, I was discharged from the oncology team before becoming pregnant with DD, not to down play my waking nightmare 😂

DH is a much the ogre as is perceived, he did come out of work and look after me when I was ill, but yes, I have been left to do the majority of the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting, I guess it’s a misogynist thing?

However, Mother I cannot say the same for.... a witch in angels clothing, very manipulative and lots of victim complex issues... a story for another day.

@Dillybear Thanks for your reply, I have tried controlled crying, and it seemed to be working for a few weeks, but has now gone backwards again, you’re right, I couldn’t keep it up and iI had to do something.

Changing whole routine now I have decided, I’m going to have to be in bed by 8pm, so no life now... but maybe hopefully I can train myself to sleep earlier and try and get a decent night, keep your fingers crossed for me 🤞🏻

OP’s posts: |
Itsahardknocklife18 Tue 16-Feb-21 13:10:22

*isn’t as much the ogre

OP’s posts: |
Dillybear Tue 16-Feb-21 13:45:37

I totally relate to the issue with DH leaving you to do most of the night stuff. For me, I haven’t accepted help from him very much (it’s just easier to do it myself etc etc). Just wondering if this is part of it??

What happened with the CC? What happened when it was going well? What changed?

Glad you got some sleep in the day. It’s always tempting to do something else while you have a minute but your rest has to be the priority.

mimichou Wed 17-Feb-21 05:08:22

Ugh your story is literally my story sans the cancer (but have severe health issues) and hsuband. I wish I could help you ! What kind of s**t husband is this. He doesn’t want to wake up? Like what is the reason? That he has work? Is parenting NOT work in it’s own?

I have a couple of chronic illnesses myself so I can completely relate. DH has been helpful because I didn’t want to have kids and he wanted them. I literally had to go through so many losses on my own as my health issues won’t let me conceive easily. At one of the losses it was literally a termination because of non viability. It was so traumatic that I didn’t want to even try.

I love my kid but I told him I’m not able to do the bulk of parenting on my own give my health.

Itsahardknocklife18 Fri 19-Feb-21 05:31:40

I’ve had enough at this point.

Even with DH helping me more as I had a mental breakdown yesterday morning, MIL took her for the day and I had a bit of rest.

Finally got to sleep at 10 after being in bed from 9- she woke at 2am, the I had just started to drop off at 3.45, DH kicked me and woke me, then decided to make a tea and chill before I seriously lost my temper, it’s now 5.30am and I have had 3 hrs sleep and DHs alarm will go off in 30 mins, then DD will be up at 6.30-7 not much point in trying to sleep.

I don’t want to live like this anymore...

Tired of life.

OP’s posts: |
OnlyFoolsnMothers Fri 19-Feb-21 05:37:02

So if you werent woken up your 9 month old slept at 9- woke at 2am and then will wake again at 5.30?

DarkMutterings Fri 19-Feb-21 05:42:05

It's utterly shit, DS didn't sleep for 1.5 years, he's now 14 and I get a wicked delight from waking him out of his teenage slumber! wink

During that time I was like a zombie, but I got militant about if the baby is in bed so am I. Sod the house, sod family it was all about sleep. I used hypno tapes to get me to sleep quickly when he went down - there's loads of apps with same and I found they got me to sleep but not so deep I didn't wake for the baby. Black out curtains in mine and babies room sometimes I even slept in DS's room so I could sleep without being disturbed by anyone but him. And weekends DH had to step up - he wasn't useless as much as travelled a lot so just not there during the week.

My heart goes out to you, it's such a relentless feeling. My only saving grave was when DD was born she slept from 6 weeks.

DarkMutterings Fri 19-Feb-21 05:42:57

Saving grave --- grace

Crikeycroc Fri 19-Feb-21 05:51:02

Not being able to sleep when your baby sleeps is a classic sign of postnatal depression. Have you seen your GP about your mental health?

Itsahardknocklife18 Fri 19-Feb-21 06:02:38

@OnlyFoolsnMothers No, got into bed at 9pm, fell asleep at (that was supposed to be) 11pm, DD woke at 2am, she went back to sleep, I am still awake.

@Crikeycroc
Yes, called and spoke to GP yesterday after having a mental breakdown in the morning after ANOTHER night of no sleep, put me on antidepressants and referred to perrinatal mental health.

OP’s posts: |
CheddarGorgeous Fri 19-Feb-21 06:06:09

Your DH is an arsehole of the highest order.

I hope you get the help and support you need. flowers

Itsahardknocklife18 Fri 19-Feb-21 06:12:41

@CheddarGorgeous Thanks for the well wishes, but with the greatest of respect, that comment about my husband was neither fair nor helpful.

OP’s posts: |
Goingtogetflamed Fri 19-Feb-21 06:23:38

I think pp are picking up on the fact that your husband doesn’t seem to be doing anything to share the burden of parenting his child. Leaving everything to you isn’t workable and (understandably) you’re struggling. Even given your diagnosis and treatment he still didn’t cover last nights wakings. That seems the mark of a pretty poor husband.

I hope you find a solution and get through this. It will get better.

MaMaD1990 Fri 19-Feb-21 06:25:54

Sorry to hear all of this OP, it sounds really hard - having a baby is tough! Have you thought about nursery for your DD for some of the week? It'll give you some time to yourself and a chance to sleep and maybe feel a little better? The GP will also be able to help in terms of PND so please do get help there. You shouldn't need to carry everything on your own and I hope your DH helps a little more now he knows you're struggling a bit.

CheddarGorgeous Fri 19-Feb-21 06:46:15

Itsahardknocklife18

*@CheddarGorgeous* Thanks for the well wishes, but with the greatest of respect, that comment about my husband was neither fair nor helpful.



I have no wish to make your life harder than it is but your DH is prioritising his sleep over your health. You're very, very unwell at the moment and he's not stepping up.

Itsahardknocklife18 Fri 19-Feb-21 06:56:04

Well I’m still up, didn’t manage to get anymore sleep so finally got out of bed and decided I’d had enough of sitting there Angry at myself and my husband for snoring there beside me.

He did get up to her last night at 2 but unfortunately her crying wakes me and once I’m awake, I’m awake. He has started making more effort to give me some more support so I think we need to be a little careful when we proclaim that each other’s husbands are TOTAL tools.

I agree my man is not perfect, but he’s not a bastard either. I’m not backward in coming forward, if he was a twat, Id tell you, HES A TWAT!

I want to run away.

OP’s posts: |
Itsahardknocklife18 Fri 19-Feb-21 06:58:10

@MaMaD1990
Is nursery allowed for non key workers? If it is... I think this is the first job on the list for today. Want to crawl back into bed but as baby will be up in approx 3 mins, my soul is crying as I know there’s no point. sigh

Oh well.

OP’s posts: |
Chicchicchicchiclana Fri 19-Feb-21 07:06:47

Your insomnia is the major factor here. It's horrible but there's a lot that can be done to help with it. There are some great insomnia tips and suggestions on Mumsnet too. Your GP can also help by prescribing a short course of sleeping tablets.

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